Lovezen_30 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 ...does this mean you will always be in love with them? I mean if the person died and you were extremely happy until that point, so you didn't break up. Will you always be in love then? And if not, why not, what could possibly change it?
mickleb Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 ...does this mean you will always be in love with them? I mean if the person died and you were extremely happy until that point, so you didn't break up. Will you always be in love then? And if not, why not, what could possibly change it? Plain old desire for somebody else and the acceptance that the one you lost would have wanted you to live a full life. This will come later, Lovezen but in the meantime, try to deal with all that is on today's plate and worry less about the future, if you can. x
collegeguy_24 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 am actually in that situation, I was very much in love with my ex, in fact we even talked about our future together, until she left me. I still love her, she made my life complete and happy. I am trying to move on, cause in the end you have no choice, but its hard. Sometimes, the choice is taken out of your hands, whether it be the death of a loved one or them leaving you. The only choice you have is whether or not you can move on, or stay focused on the past.
carhill Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 OP, IMO, the 'in love' with a departed (by death) lover is a positive memory of who you were when they were alive and you loved them. Accepting that positive memory as part of who you are allows you to grieve the loss and move on. Each love is unique and different and valuable. Loss, through death, divorce, or plain breakup, is a part of life. Life, and love, go on. Good luck
Author Lovezen_30 Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 Plain old desire for somebody else and the acceptance that the one you lost would have wanted you to live a full life. This will come later, Lovezen but in the meantime, try to deal with all that is on today's plate and worry less about the future, if you can. x I know, it's just I'd been thinking about what you said on how, because it's not as though we fell our or break up etc, I'll not going to gain closure. I'm trying to, but other thoughts do come in to my mind, and once they're there it's difficult pushing them back out again.
Confused9 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I think breaking up with someone and losing someone to death is different. I think either way you move forward, but the way you move forward is different. I was in love with my ex and now I'm not. But, that's due to my getting over the relationship and him. There is stages of this and I think when you are finally over everything, indifference kicks in. Can't say I am there yet, completely, but I am not in love with him anymore. I am still pizzed that I have debt with him and he is getting off without having that and therefore not struggling like me. I don't think you ever become indifferent after a death...I think it's two very different things.
Crusoe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 ...does this mean you will always be in love with them? I mean if the person died and you were extremely happy until that point, so you didn't break up. Will you always be in love then? And if not, why not, what could possibly change it? The pain and sadness will go away and you will love what is left, the memories. My wife died 20 years ago, shortly after our 1st anniversary, she is still a part of me and I think of her most days but it's a good thing and it never stopped me from finding love again. Am I still in love with her? No, she exists only in my head, but I am damned happy to have those memories.
Confused9 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I also wanted to say how sorry for your loss I am. I hope you find peace in your memories.
mickleb Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I know, it's just I'd been thinking about what you said on how, because it's not as though we fell our or break up etc, I'll not going to gain closure. I'm trying to, but other thoughts do come in to my mind, and once they're there it's difficult pushing them back out again. I suppose I'm wondering what closure means for you in this situation, Lovezen. To me, the 'closure' required after a break-up is the 'Why?' And this question can only, ultimately, be answered by ourselves. (Questioning the one who dumped you only leads to more questions.) Once we have some inkling of why a relationship had to end, it becomes easier to accept it and let it go. There is no 'Why?', as such, in your case. Your partner did not choose to leave you. You do not need 'closure' - you can hold onto your memories and they will not hold you back but will enrich your life. This does not mean that acceptance comes easily for you, however: far from it. The 'Why?' you ask is as great as the question 'What is the meaning of life?' and, sadly, no-one here can answer it for you. But, one day, you will gain meaning from this terrible event, I am sure. I don't think you can force it, or 'try', as you say, to speed this process up. However, you can delay the healing process by not helping yourself to get well. That is different: not eating well or avoiding life as much as possible, for as long as possible, for example. I can imagine you wanting to push out the painful memories just to get a break from the persistent sadness but, unless you have something really important to do, or something wonderful to focus on, this can be hard. The advice I give to you is very different to the advice I give to those dealing with rejection. It is not good to hold onto those who have deeply hurt us. You have not been rejected and you can hold on to the love you had. I hope you find some comfort in the warm words below. The pain and sadness will go away and you will love what is left, the memories. My wife died 20 years ago, shortly after our 1st anniversary, she is still a part of me and I think of her most days but it's a good thing and it never stopped me from finding love again. Am I still in love with her? No, she exists only in my head, but I am damned happy to have those memories. x
Author Lovezen_30 Posted September 30, 2010 Author Posted September 30, 2010 The pain and sadness will go away and you will love what is left, the memories. My wife died 20 years ago, shortly after our 1st anniversary, she is still a part of me and I think of her most days but it's a good thing and it never stopped me from finding love again. Am I still in love with her? No, she exists only in my head, but I am damned happy to have those memories. Thank you for this reply I still don't understand how you can fall out of love with someone who dies(maybe because I lack the experience of the future, I don't know), surely the person you were then will always love them. The reasons for falling out of love with someone don't apply, it's confusing. But it's encouraging to know you are so positive about the memories you have with her now
Crusoe Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 You don't fall out of love, it just becomes past tense, you loved. Yes, the person you were will always love them, the person you are now will miss them, the person you are going to be will cherish the memories, but you can't be in love with what doesn't exist. Understanding comes with experience and once experienced you realize it really doesn't matter if you understand or not, it changes nothing. You can spend years looking for answers but all you are doing is chasing your own tail. The only place you end up is staring at your own backside, but it's a process we all go through. You're going to be OK, life will be good again, time faith and patience will see to that. Take care.
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