DanY2J Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Hey guys, This is more of a vent more than anything else but advice is more than welcome. A bit of back story... I am in my 25, she is 32 and we work together but work on differant floors and she only works in my office no more than 3 times a week. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now. We go out for lunch everytime she is in the office. When we can we will go out after work for another hour or so and have a drink before she has to go home. We have also spent around 3 or 4 weekends together during that time. This will probably be a cliche but we really do have so much in common, same music tastes, tv, both like the same food and make each other laugh. We have both said we love each other. I have recently come back from a two week holiday with some friends and i missed her like crazy, but being away made me see loads of couples on holiday being very romantic and i really want that for us. Now i got back last week and she asked me out for lunch on my first day back, i said no as i wanted to see her in the evening so we could properly catch up. She was not happy as we always do lunch and she thought that i didnt want to see her. The truth is that when we see each other for lunch, the hour goes so quickly that i just fell horrible when its time to say goodbye and that feeling has grown bigger and bigger. The seems to never be enough for us- it flows by. So i said to her that i have been away for two weeks, you have said to me you missed me and love me yet you are only offering me two lunchbreaks this week and then you go back to him. She said its not always easy for her to get out after work which i do understand. She is not going to leave him, i know that much - he can offer her everything i cant at the moment. The trouble i have is that now we seem to be arguing daily about when we see each other and its like we just go round and round. I want to see her more than she can give - i just miss her so much when we are apart all the time and its killing me but i cant bare the thought of not talking to her every day. I am of the view that if you love someone, you do everything possible to see or be with that person and just lunchtimes dont cut it. I also dont know if this would even work if we got together knowing that she happily cheats and i know i deserve better but i dont know how to walk away from her. Thats all for now, thanks to anyone who got this far!
BB07 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 DanY2J said...... She is not going to leave him, i know that much - he can offer her everything i cant at the moment. Did she tell you she wouldn't leave him? If so what was the reason? I am of the view that if you love someone, you do everything possible to see or be with that person and just lunchtimes dont cut it. I also dont know if this would even work if we got together knowing that she happily cheats and i know i deserve better but i dont know how to walk away from her. You view of love is normal and what most people expect when in a relationship, but the difference is....an affair is NOT an normal relationship, it can't be. She can't spend time with you when she wants, she can't be part of your life like other couples, you can't be part of her life either. You are hidden, a secret. It sucks for you.......and from the sounds of it, she is calling the shots. So, what you've got to decide is........can you live with what you've getting right now and be OK with it? And if you can't, then you need to do something different, either walk away and/or tell her that things as they are aren't tolerable for you. It's really simple.......cost vs. benefits. Oh it's painful, I'm not minimizing that, but you are already in pain right?
lilbunny Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Hey guys, This is more of a vent more than anything else but advice is more than welcome. A bit of back story... I am in my 25, she is 32 and we work together but work on differant floors and she only works in my office no more than 3 times a week. I met mm at work too. We didn't work that closely together, but soon made excuses. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now. We go out for lunch everytime she is in the office. When we can we will go out after work for another hour or so and have a drink before she has to go home. We have also spent around 3 or 4 weekends together during that time. I can relate to this too. We ate together every day. He often came to my house after work, or in the afternoon if I was working from home. This will probably be a cliche but we really do have so much in common, same music tastes, tv, both like the same food and make each other laugh. We have both said we love each other. We shared an awful lot of things like this and many of the big things- view of the world, religion, politics etc. I have recently come back from a two week holiday with some friends and i missed her like crazy, but being away made me see loads of couples on holiday being very romantic and i really want that for us. Now i got back last week and she asked me out for lunch on my first day back, i said no as i wanted to see her in the evening so we could properly catch up. She was not happy as we always do lunch and she thought that i didnt want to see her. The truth is that when we see each other for lunch, the hour goes so quickly that i just fell horrible when its time to say goodbye and that feeling has grown bigger and bigger. The seems to never be enough for us- it flows by. So i said to her that i have been away for two weeks, you have said to me you missed me and love me yet you are only offering me two lunchbreaks this week and then you go back to him. She said its not always easy for her to get out after work which i do understand. I heard this too. It started to seem like work was only important when it suited him though, I started hearing these things as excuses. She is not going to leave him, i know that much - he can offer her everything i cant at the moment. I think I knew that deep down. No matter how many times he said he felt like he wanted to, or he had to think it through, I knew. Even when he turned up with his bags I knew it wasn't really what he wanted. The trouble i have is that now we seem to be arguing daily about when we see each other and its like we just go round and round. I want to see her more than she can give - i just miss her so much when we are apart all the time and its killing me but i cant bare the thought of not talking to her every day. We started to row in a similar way. I thought he didn't want to see me, or wasn't making enough effort. I felt like I was last after absolutely everything else was done and sorted, even down to hobbies etc. A lot of that came down to the insecurity I felt because I knew he was still in his m. When we did spend time together I would often cry after he left because I knew he was going home to someone else. I am of the view that if you love someone, you do everything possible to see or be with that person and just lunchtimes dont cut it. I also dont know if this would even work if we got together knowing that she happily cheats and i know i deserve better but i dont know how to walk away from her. I am there now. I see him on a daily basis and it breaks my heart every time I pass him and we don't speak. I know this will get better in time. I also know that if things had carried on as they were that feeling of devastation I got every time he left me wouldn't get any better and would probably only get worse. Thats all for now, thanks to anyone who got this far! I'm sorry you are feeling like this Dan. Every situation is different I know, but I could have written so much of your post. It all got too much for me and I had to get out, the hurt outweighed the happiness and even then it has been (and still is) tough. I am slowly starting to see improvements, have good days and bad and I have seen mm in a very different light since we went our separate ways. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear, but you do deserve better. The only way to get there is to be clear about what you want and if she can't give it to you be brave enough to get out. After all if she really loves you, she will do whatever it takes to be with you. Good luck, hun. I really do hope it works out for you, but I'm just a few steps further down the road if it doesn't.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I also dont know if this would even work if we got together knowing that she happily cheats well that would be the first sign of clear thinking on your part so far. and i know i deserve better if you are bedding down another man's wife, then this part is debatable.
pureinheart Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Hey guys, This is more of a vent more than anything else but advice is more than welcome. A bit of back story... I am in my 25, she is 32 and we work together but work on differant floors and she only works in my office no more than 3 times a week. We have been seeing each other for 6 months now. We go out for lunch everytime she is in the office. When we can we will go out after work for another hour or so and have a drink before she has to go home. We have also spent around 3 or 4 weekends together during that time. This will probably be a cliche but we really do have so much in common, same music tastes, tv, both like the same food and make each other laugh. We have both said we love each other. I have recently come back from a two week holiday with some friends and i missed her like crazy, but being away made me see loads of couples on holiday being very romantic and i really want that for us. Now i got back last week and she asked me out for lunch on my first day back, i said no as i wanted to see her in the evening so we could properly catch up. She was not happy as we always do lunch and she thought that i didnt want to see her. The truth is that when we see each other for lunch, the hour goes so quickly that i just fell horrible when its time to say goodbye and that feeling has grown bigger and bigger. The seems to never be enough for us- it flows by. So i said to her that i have been away for two weeks, you have said to me you missed me and love me yet you are only offering me two lunchbreaks this week and then you go back to him. She said its not always easy for her to get out after work which i do understand. She is not going to leave him, i know that much - he can offer her everything i cant at the moment. The trouble i have is that now we seem to be arguing daily about when we see each other and its like we just go round and round. I want to see her more than she can give - i just miss her so much when we are apart all the time and its killing me but i cant bare the thought of not talking to her every day. I am of the view that if you love someone, you do everything possible to see or be with that person and just lunchtimes dont cut it. I also dont know if this would even work if we got together knowing that she happily cheats and i know i deserve better but i dont know how to walk away from her. Thats all for now, thanks to anyone who got this far! In bold...your answer is right there, in your own words:)...this is the truth...and BTW welcome to LS:). It sounds like you are in deep my friend. I too met exDM at work, he was then MM. He had chased me for years and when I actually began to work with him I was completely intrigued by his talent and his amazing intellect. Based on your post, I don't believe you can handle a long term A, I don't think that will work for you...so with that, if it is true what I am saying, then change your mind. It is that simple. With the power of God I chose to change my mind and quit smoking, then caffeine and so on...you CAN do it. FTR, I was hard core addicted... I hope you stick around so that we can get to know you:)
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