abust1 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 My mother died when I was 15 months old. I was raised by my stepmom since I was about 3, but I never really loved her. Looking back, all my relationships have been with females who had unhealthy male figures growing up, or quite simply didn't love their fathers, for whatever reason. Is this natural? From experience, I know it's unhealthy. It's like I'm trying to find mommy and they are trying to find daddy, but neither of us are ready for that kind of attachment, and we probably never will be. Can anyone elaborate to help me understand why this happens and what I can do to avoid this in the future?
carhill Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 How are your relationships with women in general? Do you find them satisfying and beneficial? Can you form attachments with other people in a healthy way? Our psychologist once offered the opinion that, if a behavior or dynamic inhibits the formation of healthy and satisfying interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. Do you think this dynamic bears scrutiny of the psychological type? Why? Let's say you're trying to find mommy. Do you want to explore what that means and learn how to accept that part of your psychology and grow from that place? Why? Anyway, some questions to ponder.
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 My mother died when I was 15 months old. I was raised by my stepmom since I was about 3, but I never really loved her. Looking back, all my relationships have been with females who had unhealthy male figures growing up, or quite simply didn't love their fathers, for whatever reason. Is this natural? From experience, I know it's unhealthy. It's like I'm trying to find mommy and they are trying to find daddy, but neither of us are ready for that kind of attachment, and we probably never will be. Can anyone elaborate to help me understand why this happens and what I can do to avoid this in the future? I'm going to be a bit blunt here. I think seeking answers in something that happened so long ago, is seeking to create a crutch or excuse for current self-defeating behaviour. There are countless thousands of people raised by step-parents who adore them, and countless thousands raised by natural parents who loathe them. Simply because you were raised by a woman who is not a blood relative, does not mean that this is the reason you are experiencing problems in your engaging with women now. The reason you are having difficulties engaging with women now, is because you're drawn to vulnerable women, with a problematic history. You fix broken wings. You're a bloke who won't let them down. It's a bad thing if we latch on to our past to justify current behaviour. As someone who used to do this, I know how hindering it can be. it stops you moving forward, but it's not genuine. because latching onto past behaviour, in the belief that "this is why I am the way I am" prevents us from fixing the real problem, and making efforts to move on and overcome what really 'ails us'. if that really was the problem, I believe you would have worked on it more by now. I think if you have been working on it, and not had any progress, then that's because you've been working on the wrong problem. It's like taking an engine to pieces to locate the funny noise, when all that's happened is that you're low on oil. Stop focussing on your step-mom and how you never loved her (so what?) And focus instead on why you seem to home in on women who need a reliable strong man they can love.
Author abust1 Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 (edited) How are your relationships with women in general? Do you find them satisfying and beneficial? Can you form attachments with other people in a healthy way? Our psychologist once offered the opinion that, if a behavior or dynamic inhibits the formation of healthy and satisfying interpersonal relationships, it bears scrutiny. Do you think this dynamic bears scrutiny of the psychological type? Why? Let's say you're trying to find mommy. Do you want to explore what that means and learn how to accept that part of your psychology and grow from that place? Why? Anyway, some questions to ponder. Thank you for the reply.. I have been thinking hard about your questions. Let me first explain a bit more history. I have been in 2 long term relationships since I was 18 (I'm 30 now), both with girls I met when I was about 15. Both ended when they wanted to get married but I wasn't ready. The latest one ended around March of this year. Throughout both relationships I felt like I was missing out on life. The only thing I really thought I was missing out on was being with multiple girls, so I cheated on both of them. What an idiot I was. I wanted to break up LONG before the relationships actually ended. When it came down to marriage or breaking up, I knew I was going to regret either decision I made, it was just a matter of regretting near-term or long-term. I know that if that's the way I felt, then breaking up was the right choice. The first one was very hard, but I basically had the next relationship already lined up. It took about 6 months into my second relationship to be over the first. I KNOW this is a paragraph full of mistakes I've made in my life. So back to your questions. I can't really tell you what my relationships with women in general are like, this is the first time I've REALLY been single for my entire adult life. My first 2 relationships were addictive. I think they were satisfying only to the point of fulfilling needs. They put a bandaid on my problems which inhibited my growth and now I'm paying the price with my depression, but I welcome the depression because it is making me dig deep within myself. I tried to sift through these problems before, but with the relationship bandaid in place, there wasn't enough pain to open my soul. Now it's opened up and I'm overwhelmed with the task of sorting through it and putting it back together in a better way. I seem to form ok friendships with guys, although it's tough to gauge that lately with the depression. My past behavior and feelings in relationships definitely indicates a lot of problems. I have difficulty loving. I'll never forget my first girlfriend's mother trying to teach me how to hug when I was like 19. I have some narcissitic traits. I was charming enough to get these girls "locked in", but once they were I would start resenting them because I was tied down, so I would retreat and start treating them poorly. If I ever felt like I was losing them.. the charm would come back strong. I was the avoider in the love addiction cycle. I wanted my girlfriend's love, I felt like I couldn't live without it, but I took it for granted unless I was losing them. I expected them to love me no matter what, I couldn't imagine them not loving me anymore. Kind of like the love I would expect from a mother. With their love in place I was confident in life, and without it I was weak. I know this is too much to ask from a relationship. I have learned a lot about myself through this. I need to find the answers to changing my behavior to kill this depression once and for all. Edited October 4, 2010 by abust1
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