A Women wants a Man who's better then her

[SteveC80]

http://www.takeninhand.com/node/291

 

I kinda of agree with this article women respect power and dominance in a Man the minute they see their Man as a equal they are turned off

 

Why do you think women want to "look up" to their Man? and want him to lead in the relationship and make the decisions

Edited September 28, 2010 by SteveC80

[carhill]

The dynamic of my marriage and divorce taught me that, IME, once a woman sees her man as an equal and, especially when she sees him as weak and/or lose his confidence, his regaining those qualities has no apparent impact on her attraction to or desire to be with him. He becomes forever a loser in her mind. Well, that's one marital experience anyway. One datapoint.

 

In MC, when we were in the process of buying what was to become our new house and I, being far more conversant with certain aspects of the process, assumed a leadership role and expressed it, that was the point when I saw this dynamic most clearly. MC ended and my ex filed for divorce. She is happily living in that new house, benefiting from the fruits of my prior leadership. This makes me happy. She is gone

[GorillaTheater]

In my experience, most women want the man to lead the relationship, and are uncomfortable with trying to fill that role themselves. When the chips are down, they want their man to be the rock of stability and as Carhill points out, woe be unto him who shows weakness in those circumstances.

 

But I think we need to watch our terminology. "Better" has nothing to do with it. Between the two of us, I think my wife is the better person for several reasons. Also, "leadership" does not necessarily equate to dominance, although at times dominance may be called for.

 

But yeah, by and large a woman, who likely will list safety and security among her primary emotional needs, wants the man to lead the relationship.

 

My opinion only. As Carhill says, YMMV.

[SteveC80]

In my experience, most women want the man to lead the relationship, and are uncomfortable with trying to fill that role themselves. When the chips are down, they want their man to be the rock of stability and as Carhill points out, woe be unto him who shows weakness in those circumstances.

 

But I think we need to watch our terminology. "Better" has nothing to do with it. Between the two of us, I think my wife is the better person for several reasons. Also, "leadership" does not necessarily equate to dominance, although at times dominance may be called for.

 

But yeah, by and large a woman, who likely will list safety and security among her primary emotional needs, wants the man to lead the relationship.

 

My opinion only. As Carhill says, YMMV.

 

We are not that far off from being animals women deep down want to be dominated and protected

 

They want a Man they can look up to aka a Man whos better then them

[Knittress]

I don't know why, I just know that it's true for me.

 

And it's not so much power or dominance, but displaying competence in an area that the woman values. Historically, I've had a thing for math nerds and computer programmers because they were good at something I was clueless at. I don't expect to be lead, but nothing turned me off more than when my ex acted super-passive (such as asking "what should I eat?" or when he'd whine instead of converse directly).

Edited September 28, 2010 by Knittress

[espec10001]

It's not that simple. Women will yield to a variety of different characteristics.

 

Some will yield to money, some to status, some to physical strength, some to intelligence, some to appearance, some to skills, some to humor, some to flattery.

 

Do you think simply being rich would work on an heiress? Or that being very handsome would work on a woman used to large amounts of attention? Every situation and woman is different, and what works for one does not always work for another.

 

That is why, as a man, focus on your strengths, and look for the woman who will appreciate those strengths. Or change your strengths to match whatever the woman will yield to, which is infinitely more difficult!

[GorillaTheater]

We are not that far off from being animals women deep down want to be dominated and protected

 

They want a Man they can look up to aka a Man whos better then them

 

We may be on the same page, but I want to point out that dominance has to be done calmly and lovingly. Otherwise you're not much more than a bully and most women DON'T want that precisely because, as I mentioned, it makes them feel less safe and less secure.

[carhill]

Why do you think women want to "look up" to their Man?

 

Electra dynamic fallout? IDK. I've always wondered about that, having always seen women as and respected them as equals. That's how I was socialized. Obviously, that socialization was/is wrong, at least with my peer group. I wrongly expected, just as I supported, empathized and cared for the woman I loved when she faced life challenges, she would do the same for me. I've also seen this dynamic with platonic female friends. It seems to permeate nearly all aspects of female/male relationships IME. It's only been a very select few women IME who still obviously show care and respect for a man when he's facing tough situations and appears uncertain and/or 'weak'. This tells me, if my experience is contrary to those datapoints offered by others, that my people-picker needs further work, and that is continuing.

[PJKino]

Are women all this crazy that they want to be "dominated" and lead like a child? I would hope not

 

It seems like they expect Men to be emotionless robots who never show weakness or emotion,you know what those are called? sociopaths

 

Is it because some women are so insecure and self conscious all the time that they expect the Man to provide what they dont have?

 

In a laid back easy going guy who tries to avoid arguments and conflicts unless its something worth fighting for and by reading forusm and articles like these i feel like women would think im not Man enough becasue im not arguing enough with them or leading em by a leash telling what to do and when to do it..

[theBrokenMuse]

It's quite simple guys... there is a clash between the dynamic of our current culture and our evolutionary programming.

[that girl]

The link is ridiculous. Those people are practicing a Christian version of BDSM. It is hardly generalizable.

 

I do think a lot of women like a more dominate kind of guy. Personally, that isn't my type at all, but different strokes for different folks.

 

It's only been a very select few women IME who still obviously show care and respect for a man when he's facing tough situations and appears uncertain and/or 'weak'.

I have not found this true at all. The one angle I can think of is that when some men are down, they just let everything go. Like men who lose their job and rather than upping the time they spend with their kids or doing housework, they completely stop doing their share and sit around and play xbox all day. The reason some men act like this is depression, but the reason that kind of behavior is so damaging to a marriage isn't that it is weak, it is that it is selfish.

[hydorclops]

Broken muse is right.

 

I'll assert that evolution led to the survival of women that were attracted to competent men. It is because of the investment that women make in pregnancy that they need/needed a man that could take care of them when they were vulnerable.

 

It's so simple. And guys, don't expect women to "get over it". It's normal and inherent and deep.

[durkadurka]

Broken muse is right.

 

I'll assert that evolution led to the survival of women that were attracted to competent men. It is because of the investment that women make in pregnancy that they need/needed a man that could take care of them when they were vulnerable.

 

It's so simple. And guys, don't expect women to "get over it". It's normal and inherent and deep.

 

Sure, and this article is largely accurate so far as it compares to all of my experience.

 

The onyl thing it makes me realize though, which pisses me off, is that my ex is a dominant female, and I'm a dominant male.. and she dominated me into submission.

[that girl]

I'll assert that evolution led to the survival of women that were attracted to competent men. It is because of the investment that women make in pregnancy that they need/needed a man that could take care of them when they were vulnerable.

 

It's so simple. And guys, don't expect women to "get over it". It's normal and inherent and deep.

It is really tricky to apply evolution to human behavior, but even if we go with the "women need men to protect them during pregnancy" that wouldn't negate equality or this idea that a man can never show weakness.

 

A guy who is say, an excellent hunter would be able to provide for his partner, but it doesn't mean she can't be an equally good hunter herself. Or that she couldn't be equal to him in skill overall.

[Taramere]

Are women all this crazy that they want to be "dominated" and lead like a child? I would hope not

 

It seems like they expect Men to be emotionless robots who never show weakness or emotion,you know what those are called? sociopaths

 

Yeah...if you listen to men telling other men what women like. Meantime in the real world women like real men. By which I don't mean some brain dead, cliché of a power-chest-beating Neanderthal who eats raw steak three times a day, stripped from the bones of an animal that he hunted, killed and skinned with his bare hands.

 

I mean normal men with interesting quirks and a good sense of humour that make them appealing and memorable....as opposed to personality-free zones who think their only obstacle in life is that they haven't found the right How To Be A Man book yet.

[carhill]

The one angle I can think of is that when some men are down, they just let everything go.

 

Yes, I've seen some who do that. When I was down, I asked for help and support, clearly, in words. I continued to be loving and supportive, perhaps to my own detriment. This process taught me that I had picked wrong, in that I had married a good time wife instead of a life partner. It happens. Lesson learned. I'll pick better next time and will leave sooner if such signals of incompatibility present themselves.

 

FWIW, my ex continues to attempt to use my 'better' qualities under the guise of being friends. That's really telling, IMO. I love good information

[Tiberius]

It might be true most of the times, but there are exceptions to the rule. I do mostly yoga and running, she weightlifts is taller than me and weighs a lot more although her bodfat is not high. She is a black belt in judo/jiujitsu too. Rather than looking up to me, she is more trying to impress I think.

[AD1980]

Ive seen this dynamic and its pretty strong and broken up marriages..

 

My friend is a great guy but laid back submissive guy who doesnt like arguments his wife at the time was a controlling loud alpha female if you will..It seemed to be the perfect match..

 

Another friend of ours is this alpha Male sucessful dominate guy,my friends wife would always talk bad about him behind his back saying shes tired of his ego and macho alpha male bs but then months later she hit on him and wanted to sleep with him..

 

She wanted to feel feminine and be put in her place so to speak by this guy and make her feel like a women would be my guess..

 

I dont know if she used to talk bad about him because she wanted to hide the lust she really had for him or if the same thing that disgusted her about him also ended up turning her on.

[Stung]

It seems to permeate nearly all aspects of female/male relationships IME. It's only been a very select few women IME who still obviously show care and respect for a man when he's facing tough situations and appears uncertain and/or 'weak'. This tells me, if my experience is contrary to those datapoints offered by others, that my people-picker needs further work, and that is continuing.

 

Your experience is contrary to my own. Most of the women with whom I am close expect a partnership which includes buoying of each by the other, at times. I don't closely associate with any women who expect their men to be constant pillars of strength, or who would shy from comforting and caring for them when ill or grieving or beset by troubles--and would expect the same in return, of course. It's reality, everybody is uncertain and 'weak' sometimes, and hopefully they are also strong and purposeful and joyful at other times.

[Stung]

Are women all this crazy that they want to be "dominated" and lead like a child?.

 

 

No.

 

 

 

Ten characters.

[theBrokenMuse]

It is really tricky to apply evolution to human behavior

Not really as our psychology is a product of evolution.

 

but even if we go with the "women need men to protect them during pregnancy" that wouldn't negate equality or this idea that a man can never show weakness.

 

I'd imagine the more vulnerable or incapable a male would appear, the less desirable he would be in the context of a protector and provider for our ancestral females who spent a good chunk of their short lives pregnant or caring for the young. Our ancestors struggled to survive back in Africa. The wilds were harsh and unyielding for them and their drive to pass on their genes meant striving to pick the best partner to see this to fruition.

 

Of course this doesn't negate the desire for equality but it does offer context to why women are often attracted to that sort of attribute in a man.

[Woggle]

From what I see this is true. For all the talk about equality and feminism women tend to be attracted to men who can lead them. Most men actually would love an equal partnership but the minute you have that a woman tends to lose attraction.

[ConflictedGuy27]

this discussion has been an interesting read, to say the least.

 

I agree that at the crux of this issue is primal instinct.

I saw this phenomenon take place first hand and after me (in a more extreme context) I see it happening, in real time, to my brother - who's wife has lost tremendous respect for him following his job loss and choosing (as the leader) to move himself, his wife and two young kids back home with my mother.

 

in his situation, my brother's wife concluded that he would not be a suitable provider and she split, with the kids, back to her parents in a different state. again, this is an extreme case where other personality abnormalities are likely present; nonetheless, a woman's loss of respect for her man spells DOOM.

 

I believe this is why young women are (statistically speaking) more attracted to substantially older men, when compared to the opposite. it has to do with resources and experience, which may often translate into an older man having more power than a younger one.

 

it's the reason why increased money/power is such a powerful substitute for better looks.

[hydorclops]

Broken Muse made a useful point about the disjunction of our primal nature vs. our modern circumstances. Right now in the US, women really don't need the protection of men.

 

Yet an individual woman will still look to find their unique idea of a good man. Some women see dangerous outlaws as strong, others value the problem solving ability of intellectuals, some figure that tall men can protect them...from short men?

 

Anyway, what women find attractive about men, which seems to be different from what men find attractive about women, is understandable, and men should use their imagination to sympathize.

 

It is really tricky to apply evolution to human behavior, but even if we go with the "women need men to protect them during pregnancy" that wouldn't negate equality or this idea that a man can never show weakness.

 

A guy who is say, an excellent hunter would be able to provide for his partner, but it doesn't mean she can't be an equally good hunter herself. Or that she couldn't be equal to him in skill overall.

I agree with the above too. It's a good addition to these ideas.

[Stung]

Note: I do agree that on the whole women find men who do not appear overall weak, vulnerable and incapable to be attractive, and IMO that's pretty sensible. Most women also find a protective, and emotionally resilient man attractive--also not so weird. That is very different from what some posters are postulating, that women en masse want to be led, dominated and bossed around like confused children, find any moment of human weakness to be repellent, are unwilling and incapable of helping and nurturing male partners, and that men who are dominant are objectively better than woman who are not . Give me a break.