I have just left my abusive relationship..still scared.

[LadyCakes]

Hi everyone,

 

Well, its been about a year since i last wrote anything on here. Please feel free to read my other posts to get a full feel for my sistuation.

 

To sum up, i started posting on this site almost three years ago in the other woman section. After a really hard break up from a relationship i found myself involved with a man who was in a relationship with someone else and had a child. This is something that, if i hadnt been so messed up from my break up (my fiance left me a few months before our wedding for anoter woman) i would never have done, but, in my fragile state i embarked on a journey i know now i shouldnt have.

 

Anyway, the predictable thing happened and he and I fell in love. It was difficut as he was with someone else but after about half a year he decided to leave his gf and be with me. Obviouly i was happy (i know most men dont leave) but thats where all the probelems started. I had dreamed about our happily ever after, roses round the door I think I called it in old posts...he promised me the world...that when we were together it would just be about us (and of course his son).

 

Anyway, it didnt go like that. He was a nightmare after he left his gf. He put it down to feeling guilty about leaving his child and a person he had been with for a long time. He decided in his wisdom that I should be kept a secret.....i was a secret for over a year after they split (and even when she did find out it was my mistake). He had an emotional affair with another woman for about a year of our relationship (im seriously glossing over all this as all the nasty details are in my other posts), he didnt want to live with me for ages and in fact we only moved intogeter a few months ago (almost three years into our relationship), he did various other things like; he kissed another girl on a night out and kept in e-contact with her, joined dating sites etc etc.....to cut the story short...he treated me like dirt.

 

Coupled with the above he has serious anger management issues and he has emotionally and physically abused me for pretty much two years now. When i say abused i mean he has been emotionally abusive; slowly chipping away at my confidence, rude, shouting and physically abusive; throwing and smashing things, and on one ocasion he strangled me.

 

So you may ask...why have i stayed??? I know you will all know from your own experiences that abusers are two fold.....he was (when he wasnt in nasty mode)...very loving, sweet, charming, loving even. I guess noone would be in an abusive relationship if their partners were not, at least some of the time, what they wanted from a partner.

 

Things were going well with us. We were going to couples therapy and we hadnt rowed for a few weeks at all and things were really nice.

 

Then on Saturday we got into a row about something really silly...and he....flipped,,,,and flipped like never before. He had a massive row and it ended with him saying i should get out and that he wanted me out of his flat. So he goes out and i start packing. But....then he came back. What followed was the most terrifying hour of my life....he didnt hit me but he shouted so loudly (right in my face), said nasty things about me and made me repeat them in the first person about myself (god knows what he would have done if i didnt), he threw all my things around the flat and destroyed some of my property. Worst of all (in my opinin) he spat in my face three times whilst shouting at me. I cant descibe how awful it is to have a person you love spit in your face...is there anything worse to degrade a person???

 

So he left (drove off) and left me in the flat not knowing if he was going to come back...i was in tears, shaking. I had no where to go but knew i had to get out...and get out in a way that meant i wouldnt need to come back. So, i called my mum and asked if i could come and stay with her and she agreed. I packed up everything i own (that wasnt furniture) and put it all in my little car...and drove off, still shaking but in a massive way filled with relief that it was over at last.

 

He text me later various messages filled with hatred...i ignored them. Then he text me to ask if i had left the flat yet. I didnt reply and then he text again saying "oi i said have you left yet"...charming.

 

so that was saturday.....

 

on sunday the typical jeckle and hyde features of an abuser reared their head...he started texting me appologies! He said that he was so so sorry and that he didnt mean any of what he said, tht he was all alone and miserable and felt like a waste of space and loved me with all his heart and wanted me to not throw away our love.

 

I didnt reply to any of his messages on saturday apart from smply saying i needed to be left alone.

 

He kept texting for the next day but i didnt reply at all...it was really hard as despite what he has done i still care about him as we speant alot of time together and i really did love him. I also for some stupid reason feel guilty that he may be hurting...how messed up is that???

 

Anyway, he hasnt text me now for two days. In a way i think that is good but in a way it makes me nervous. I am so scared, my heart is still racing and i just dont know what to do next. Im scared he is going to come after me, that he wont let me go.

 

I cant stay at my mum's forever im going to hve to get my own place but what should i do regarding that? I dont really want to move away as i love the area i live in my how can i stay here when i would be looking over my shoulder all the time. I dont want him to find me when i move so should i move away to a different area altogether? Plus if i ever meet anyone else then i cant risk him finding out/seeing us together and flipping out.

 

Also can i really carry on ignoring all his messages if he send anymore? I have stuff at his house (furniture) i dont really want to let him have but im scared to ask for it as i dont want to put myself in danger or risk getting sucked into his charms and going back to him..either because i get sucked in or i do it out of guilt for him being sad!

 

I thought that when women left abusive relationships they were suddenly free...i still feel trapped and scared. Can he really hurt me anymore??

 

Any advice would be great...i know i am probably waffeling....im just very scared.

 

LC

[TaraMaiden]

You contact the Police.

you show them evidence of what he sent you in texts, and you tell them you need to get the rest of your stuff from the flat, you need help and you need some kind of security.

 

What can you do?

You can contact a women's crisis line and seek advice from those who have been through it.

And you tell everyone possible, who knows you and him, what has gone on.

You protect yourself by broadcasting, and helping yourself.

[nobmagnet]

Brilliant advice as always tara.

 

Any advice i can give you will more than likely be ignored until you see him for what he is.

 

There is no excuse on this planet that would wash his digusting behaviour.

When i was in an emotional/physical abusive relationship it was very hard to get a sensible grip on my emotions and i agree that if you see him or talk to him your feelings will go back to square one (and back to his bullying arms too)

 

Tell everyone.......then you will have to explain your reasoning to return to him. However your relationship started is not part of this issue.

 

You may not feel set free now but I promice you will see it one day. Stay strong, stay away, contact the police to collect your belongings and get a restraining order on him. Your neighbours must have heard what happened so tell the police to ask them. Write down all the incidents you can recall with dates if possible to justify your restraining order.

 

(hugs))

 

Nobby xx PM me if you would like to chat xx

[LadyCakes]

Thank you for your replies. Thanks Nobby for saying that i will obe day see it and be free...i cant wait for that day to come.

 

Its been one week now and just to update you for the past week he has been trying to appologise and make me feel guilty that he cant cope without me, that he has started drinking and that he doesnt know if he can cope witjout me.

 

Then...today he texts me to tell me that all my stuff is in the garage and I can collect it when i want as long as he is not there! The text is short and stroppy in tone. I queryed the changed tone and he haid there was no point speaking again if i want coming back. He sort of made me feel like its my fault we are over.....its twisyed and i dont get it! Im the one that has been abused! Sigh!

 

So i guess thats it then......or is it...still worried and not sure if i need to move out of the area.

 

LC