panda-panda Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 As LDRs go, this one is probably quite messed up, but I am sure it has happened many times before... my gf and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, the last 9 months (apart from 3 weeks we spent together on holiday) we've been apart. I had a feeling she had cheated on me about 7 months ago. I had approached her about it and she said nothing happened back then. It's just been confirmed that she did. She said it meant nothing and she stopped seeing this guy. She wants to work it out with me, if I can bear it. It was a long time ago and I've almost completely forgotten about it. But hearing it made me hurt. But this is where it becomes completely confusing.. A couple of months ago, I cheated on her, mainly because I felt ignored and hurt by what she did. It was the biggest mistake I've ever made, and I feel truly ashamed. She doesn't know. I'm about to move to a new counrty to be with her. I feel we are either completely dreadful for one another, or perfect for each other. I can't tell which... I'm about to move to a new country to be with her, and it's something we've both worked hard for months to attain. I love her, and she loves me. I just know it. LDRs are not easy and people make mistakes. My question is, should I tell her and us try to talk about it and work on it? Or should i let it be and not tell her. I feel bad that she feels horrid for having cheated, but i am not perfect.
Rashad Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Tell her... its best for you and her. It's never healthy to keep secrets, you will be nervous and guilty all the time and she will sense that, just tell her what you did, explain the situation you were in and how you feel about it now, let her know that you are truly sorry and that if you didn't love her you wouldn't have told her the truth. Most people appreciate and respect honesty.
SpillinItAll Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 If you decide to tell her make sure to do it before the move. Making a big move like that only to watch the relationship crumble afterwards could be horrible. Whatever will happen is best to find out before this big change in your life.
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Tell her. She was honest with you now you have to be honest with her. You can't hold her cheating over her head and go on pretending to be a saint when you're guilty of betraying her as well.
madjac74 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 You seem like a very genuine honest caring person so I don't think you are the type to keep this to yourself without having it constantly eat at you. I say for your own good you should tell her. And she did finally tell you which shows she really does care about you and your relationship. I feel honesty and trust are the key balance of any relationship. You both broke the trust but if you maintain your honesty then maybe the trust can be rebuilt.
Author panda-panda Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 Thank you for you replies and help! The story is long, and there have been rough times between now and then. It's been exhausting. The issue really lies where I had to dig deeper to find the truth about what happened - this will sound stupid, but I approached the guy who I suspected she was with. He was the one who told me it happened, not her She never wanted me to find out and let it be something of the past. I'm glad I got the truth, but at the same time I'm not, mainly because of the hurt. I think it's possibly ruined everything. I've told her the truth about me too. I really don't know what will happen and I feel quite lost, but I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to be, it will be. I love her with all my heart and am willing to work on this. She said she loves me, but is no longer in love with me... Not sure if that's a bad sign. It's at these hard times that I think true love and relationships will survive. I hope I am right. Am I being naive? Any words of advice?
HeavenOrHell Posted October 4, 2010 Posted October 4, 2010 If she's no longer in love with you it's not a good sign On the other hand my ex said that to me 10 years ago and left me twice but came back as he said he WAS still in love with me but had told himself he wasn't as it made it a bit easier to walk away cos we were in a rut, he couldn't bear to be without me, but after another 10 years he left me for a 3rd and final time 15 months ago. There was no cheating involved. People can fall back in love, or think they're not in love when they are, when things are clouding their feelings. Did she say this to you after you told her you cheated, I mean is that why she feels that way, or wasn't she in love with you anyway? If she's not in love with you though do you want to be with her? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is in love with you? She wasn't truthful about cheating on you You probably cheated because she did, not to get back at her, but because she betrayed your trust and you felt hurt? I think you may have ruined each others' trust, but you need to have a proper heart to heart and talk it all through. Thank you for you replies and help! The story is long, and there have been rough times between now and then. It's been exhausting. The issue really lies where I had to dig deeper to find the truth about what happened - this will sound stupid, but I approached the guy who I suspected she was with. He was the one who told me it happened, not her She never wanted me to find out and let it be something of the past. I'm glad I got the truth, but at the same time I'm not, mainly because of the hurt. I think it's possibly ruined everything. I've told her the truth about me too. I really don't know what will happen and I feel quite lost, but I'm a firm believer that if it's meant to be, it will be. I love her with all my heart and am willing to work on this. She said she loves me, but is no longer in love with me... Not sure if that's a bad sign. It's at these hard times that I think true love and relationships will survive. I hope I am right. Am I being naive? Any words of advice?
Author panda-panda Posted October 4, 2010 Author Posted October 4, 2010 You're right. It's not easy at the moment to express ourselves because we are apart and email is the only way we can communicate for now. She said she doesn't love me anymore, prior to me telling her I cheated on her. It hurt, but I can imagine she's frustrated too, and like you say, a lot of the past has perhaps caused her to become confused. She feels our relationship has become ugly, which I understand, because we've both reacted badly to these issues. To me, it can be fixed. I suppose it's up to her now... She was very curious to find out who it was and when it happened, and I have given her the truth, and will tell her everything if she wants more. I never did it to get back at her. If she's no longer in love with you it's not a good sign On the other hand my ex said that to me 10 years ago and left me twice but came back as he said he WAS still in love with me but had told himself he wasn't as it made it a bit easier to walk away cos we were in a rut, he couldn't bear to be without me, but after another 10 years he left me for a 3rd and final time 15 months ago. There was no cheating involved. People can fall back in love, or think they're not in love when they are, when things are clouding their feelings. Did she say this to you after you told her you cheated, I mean is that why she feels that way, or wasn't she in love with you anyway? If she's not in love with you though do you want to be with her? Wouldn't you rather be with someone who is in love with you? She wasn't truthful about cheating on you You probably cheated because she did, not to get back at her, but because she betrayed your trust and you felt hurt? I think you may have ruined each others' trust, but you need to have a proper heart to heart and talk it all through.
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