STEFY Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Well, i have never posted anything before, but here it goes.... I am 25, my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for 3 years and live together, and he has twins that are 7 that we get every other weekend, mondays and wednesdays. He has been married before and was with her for 12 years. I think of his kids as my own, they are probably some of the reason i stay around. His daughter calls me her best friend. We do everything together when she is at our house. His son is attached to the hip of my boyfriend. I cook for them, buy them clothes, clean, and do all of those "stepmotherly" duties, yet he seems to not appreciate it. He never shows me what i feel like i need from him. when him and i go out, i am the one who always plans it, whether its a weekend trip or dinner and a movie. He never once makes our plans. He doesnt bring home flowers or cook for me, he shows me appreciation and i have gotten so tired of it, that i quit cooking, cleaning and i get off work and go lay on the couch. I have stopped buying things for his kids and helping out as much as i did with them. I am ready for marriage and he seems to think its a joke. He doesnt realize that if it werent for me, when his kids are at our house, we would do nothing but lay on hte couch because he has no motivation to do anything, plus he is cheap. When marriage is brought up, he freaks out...i am ready to pack up and just leave but i dont want to leave his kids. help me with this! i know its alot of different problems but i need some advice on what to do. I love him but i really dont feel like the feelings are returned no matter how much he says it is.
TaraMaiden Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 You're not supposed to be there for his kids. you're supposed to be there for him, and he for you. if something's not working, the kids don't come into the equation. This is 'you two' who aren't working. I'm afraid you have both settled into complacency, and you personally feel defeated, because this is going nowhere fast. You need to discuss this with him, and the kids (sorry) don't get a look-in. They have a mother. They have a father. You don't need to take them into account, because if you decide to call it quits, they have a mother, and they have a father. You're not part of their deal - and they are not part of yours.
BellaBellaBella Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Sounds like you have settled into domestic bliss already. Lots of marriages/relationships at this point work where the "wife" plans things and runs things. I think you should work on the relationship and figure out your emotional needs and his emotional needs. There is a great book on this, called His Needs/Your needs. However, I think you coming home and laying on the couch is a passive aggressive move, unless you have tried talking to him.
Stung Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 (edited) I am a stepmother and I do understand how serious the attachment can be, and how hard it can be to think about life without them, when you have no legal ties to them and could lose them irrevocably. You're in a hard position if you are really attached to these children. My stepdaughter is a huge part of my life, and I am a huge part of hers, I'm quite sympathetic to your story. That being said, you are NOT their mother--legally, you are not even their stepmother. They have a mother and it sounds as though they are with her the majority of the time and presumably adequately taken care of in her care, whatever you may think of her personally. In addition, your boyfriend is their father, and I he would not let their lives slide into complete hell if you were not around--honestly it sounds like he is using you because you taking care of them is easier than him doing it himself. If you are gone, he will either have to step up to the plate, or lose the time he has with them. The fact of the matter is that this man and his kids are not currently your family, and there are already two adults involved to take responsibility for the children. Meanwhile you are considering marriage with a man who thinks the idea of it is a joke, and who you describe as lazy and cheap and say you wish to leave. You don't seem to really\ understand what a commitment marriage is, what you would be doing to yourself, how negatively you could be impacting the rest of your life. You are only 25! Do NOT tie yourself legally and financially to a man you already resent and do not seem to particularly like or respect out of obligation to his offspring with another woman. You will be committing yourself to a living nightmare. It's a hard choice, but if I were you I would extricate myself from this situation before I got any deeper. I would find a place to live and go, after taking each child aside privately to say goodbye and give them my phone number and email address, telling them they could contact me anytime. If the kids are old enough, I would set up an email account for them if they didn't have one already, and after I was gone I would email them once a week to keep in touch, to give them continuity and make sure they know it wasn't them I was leaving. When I left the man, I would ask him to be rational about the effect my complete disappearance could have on them and try to arrange one afternoon a month when I could have them visit with me--but I wouldn't hold my breath on this guy agreeing to that, he doesn't have to and many wouldn't. This is important: if I actually objectively felt the kids were in some kind of danger without my presence, I would alert the mother of my concerns and agree to testify in a custody hearing if necessary, out of concern for their welfare...but your concern is that they will be couch potatoes. Then, so be it--their father is choosing to raise couch potatoes. Is that really so awful on the scale of things? You need to go and create a life of your own where you can be happy instead of withering into a miserable nag, aged before your time by obligation and resentment. Mark my words, eventually you will become a parent with a man you respect and love who treats you like a lover and partner rather than a domestic servant. Edited September 28, 2010 by Stung
Tiberius Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Try to get him to spend time with your parents more. If he sees how your father is happy in his own marriage, he might forget all about his divorce and feel the itch to get married again.
porter218 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Why do you want o marry him if you already have so many problems? Marriage will only magnify the issues you have now. You need to very clearly tell him how you feel and that he needs to shape up or you are out. Why does he freak out about marriage? Did he explain that?
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Why do you want o marry him if you already have so many problems? Marriage will only magnify the issues you have now. You need to very clearly tell him how you feel and that he needs to shape up or you are out. Why does he freak out about marriage? Did he explain that? I agree with porter218. If it's this bad now, it'll only get worse or at best stay the same, if you marry him. Marriage isn't a cure-all for a relationship.
camel's toe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 You are not being treated well. He doesn't deserve to have you as his wife - it seems like you are too good for him and you should leave. Don't waste your life. there is someone out there who will treat you well. The sacrifice you have to make to get this is to take a risk in order to get the reward. There will be pain. You will be alone for a time. But one day it will be worth it. I work in a mainly male environment so I know a lot of guys. I know the ones who are happily married and those guys were so excited about proposing to their wives they still go on about it now. I can tell straight away that these guys would never look at another woman - one guy goes red if you even joke about it. Its just not in him. What a great guy, I really like him in a brotherly way and have a lot of respect for him. They saw what they wanted and they put a ring on it cos they didn't want to lose it. Thats what good men are made of. If they want something they are more than capable of making the effort to get it. And we all deserve that kind of guy. On the other hand I know one guy whose girlfriend is holding out for the proposal. He has told us that he'll never marry her. In fact he looks around all the time for something better. He couldn't care less if he loses her - I think he knows he has the upper hand and shes far more into him so he has nothing to lose. 2
carhill Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Look for your own apartment this week. He'll get the memo
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