i think she gave me closure

[thatsonlyme]

tonight I stopped by my old apartment to pick up my mail from the mailbox and bumped into my ex who was coming home from work.

She invited me in to give me some clothes and rest of my mail. It felt weird being in a place I once called home again after over a month. Almost nothing changed except for her roommate's stuff being all over the place. She made us a dinner and we went to the gym together.

We had a conversation about what's going on in our lives, she even asked me if I have a gf but I dind't give her a straight answer. inevitably we got to the point of discussing what happened. I told her that I'm doing good but I need closure from her because she said that she doesn't think we could get back together. All she sees in me is a friend and when I asked her how it feels doing all this stuff together (cooking, going to the gym) when actually we're not together anymore, she said it just brings back good memories. apparently no feelings from her side.

I told her that I know a lot more than she thinks and there is no reason to lie anymore. I admitted checking her text messages and knowing that she found somebody else. She explained that about half a year ago she discussed with her best friend our situation and told him that she feels things are going down in our relationship. She had plenty of time to get over me and it made it easier for her. She admitted though that she wasn't sure that she wanted a break up until recently, obviously meeting this new guy helped her make up her mind.

She seemed truly surprised when I told her how much she hurt me and said I'm just to emotional. I asked if she had ever been dumped before and she said NO! she was always a dumper! it made everything make even more sense. How can you appreciate love if you'd never been heartbroken? I told her that and she agreed that it does make sense.

Thorough our conversation I told her almost everything I wanted to say, everything that was on my heart and I've heard everything I needed to hear although not necessarily what I wanted to hear. I do feel relieved at least momentarily because she's obviously not coming back and my hope is gone. well, almost gone. There is always a little hope that things will change with the time but it may take years and by then our special bond will be lost.

She was happy that we can talk and I'm not avoiding her anymore and I told her we can try being friends but if my feelings become overwhelming I'll have to cut her out of my life. She really didn't seem to understand why is that but I told her it's just the way it is and I have to take care of myself.

It's definitely time for me to move on. She's obviously immature and unable to understand real love, commitment and deeper feelings. It seems that all she's able to experience is a honeymoon phase and that's why she keeps looking for it. I was my bad luck that our honeymoon lasted for almost five years.

[Jeff M Stevens]

Please understand that what I'm writing below is meant to help you and give you my take on things. NONE of it is meant to hammer you but I had to keep it real. I feel for your situation and hope you get a great girl someday

 

tonight I stopped by my old apartment to pick up my mail from the mailbox and bumped into my ex who was coming home from work.

She invited me in to give me some clothes and rest of my mail. It felt weird being in a place I once called home again after over a month. Almost nothing changed except for her roommate's stuff being all over the place. She made us a dinner and we went to the gym together.

We had a conversation about what's going on in our lives, she even asked me if I have a gf but I dind't give her a straight answer. inevitably we got to the point of discussing what happened. I told her that I'm doing good but I need closure from her because she said that she doesn't think we could get back together. All she sees in me is a friend and when I asked her how it feels doing all this stuff together (cooking, going to the gym) when actually we're not together anymore, she said it just brings back good memories. apparently no feelings from her side.

It's good that you were evasive about having a girlfriend but you don't actually need closure from her. If she just sees you as a friend then it is for sure over and you need to move on. You should not have any further contact with her. It sounds like she's moved on long ago and you need to do the same, if only for your own sanity.

I told her that I know a lot more than she thinks and there is no reason to lie anymore. I admitted checking her text messages and knowing that she found somebody else. She explained that about half a year ago she discussed with her best friend our situation and told him that she feels things are going down in our relationship. She had plenty of time to get over me and it made it easier for her. She admitted though that she wasn't sure that she wanted a break up until recently, obviously meeting this new guy helped her make up her mind.

This is typical behavior from a woman. I'm NOT hammering women when I say this but they are more in-tune with relationship stuff (actually I'm complimenting them). When a relationship starts going south, they generally see it coming much sooner than men and they spend time evaluating and building up resentment so that when they do leave, they are sure. The new guy was a SYMPTOM of this but make no mistake, your ex girlfriend knew WAY IN ADVANCE of the break up that it was going to occur

She seemed truly surprised when I told her how much she hurt me and said I'm just to emotional. I asked if she had ever been dumped before and she said NO! she was always a dumper! it made everything make even more sense. How can you appreciate love if you'd never been heartbroken? I told her that and she agreed that it does make sense.

First of all, she does NOT CARE about your feelings in this matter. She spent months knowing she was going to leave and when she left, you were an afterthought. It does not surprise me that she was the dumper because most of the time women do dump us. We never see it coming either because we generally don't pay attention that she is kissing us a little less, throwing more and more zingers, and seeing us less and less. We "rationalize" her behavior as the relationship just going into a different stage when its truly her interest level plummeting.

Thorough our conversation I told her almost everything I wanted to say, everything that was on my heart and I've heard everything I needed to hear although not necessarily what I wanted to hear. I do feel relieved at least momentarily because she's obviously not coming back and my hope is gone. well, almost gone. There is always a little hope that things will change with the time but it may take years and by then our special bond will be lost.

Don't fool yourself...you get one chance, per woman, per lifetime. If she ever does come back, heaven help you because it means that you are the last man standing and not because she's truly interested.

She was happy that we can talk and I'm not avoiding her anymore and I told her we can try being friends but if my feelings become overwhelming I'll have to cut her out of my life. She really didn't seem to understand why is that but I told her it's just the way it is and I have to take care of myself.

It's definitely time for me to move on.

That's healthy that you are going to move on but WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU KEEPING HER IN YOUR LIFE AS YOUR FRIEND? What is she adding to your life except frustration? Unless she has a ton of friends that she is actively hooking you up with, she is serving no purpose in your life. You are talking about being "friends" with a former lover who has secretly and purposely plotted the removal of your former loving relationship from her life. I don't see the point of staying friends here outside of you harboring false hope that you might get her back at some point.

She's obviously immature and unable to understand real love, commitment and deeper feelings. It seems that all she's able to experience is a honeymoon phase and that's why she keeps looking for it. I was my bad luck that our honeymoon lasted for almost five years.

5 years and she can't understand commitment? I'm not saying she is perfect here and she may very well be immature but I have to wonder why you would waste 5 years on someone like this. I look at this in 2 ways.

 

1. You had a girl that didn't understand real love, commitment, and deeper feelings but you still wasted 5 years of your life. If she is truly the person you claim she is above then you have only yourself to blame for pouring that much effort into a nowhere situation.

 

Or

 

2. She did understand those things but she fell out of love as many women do. You have to ask yourself if you did anything to make her fall out of love. A lot of times guys do this.

 

Good luck man

[thatsonlyme]

thanks jeff

 

It's good that you were evasive about having a girlfriend but you don't actually need closure from her. If she just sees you as a friend then it is for sure over and you need to move on. You should not have any further contact with her. It sounds like she's moved on long ago and you need to do the same, if only for your own sanity.

 

I think I needed to hear this from her and see how she feels because I was very convinced that she still has feelings for me. The way she behaves leaves no room for doubt: It's over and even if she regrets her decision in the future and realizes that she loves me, she will never show that or ask to get back together. She's just that kind of person.

As for the contact I don't see any reason why not to stay in touch if I can deal with it. With time my feelings will fade away completely, just like her feelings did and we can still have what we valued the most in our relationship: friendship. Of course if I really feel that I can't do it I will have to break off all further contact and I told her that. I think it's a very real possibility for this to happen but at least I can give it a shot.

 

First of all, she does NOT CARE about your feelings in this matter. She spent months knowing she was going to leave and when she left, you were an afterthought. It does not surprise me that she was the dumper because most of the time women do dump us. We never see it coming either because we generally don't pay attention that she is kissing us a little less, throwing more and more zingers, and seeing us less and less. We "rationalize" her behavior as the relationship just going into a different stage when its truly her interest level plummeting.

 

I know she doesn't care, but she could understand at least. I dumped my ex gf and although I didn't care about our relationship anymore I knew she was hurting and I did understand her feelings and wasn't expecting her to get over it overnight. I think my ex is just playing dumb, she knows me very well.

I did make a mistake rationalizing her behavior but our problem was not related to our relationship and it still makes no sense that she could lose her interest in me because of that. I mean she could get over me so easy but she couldn't get over that issue? I explained this in details in some other topic, it's a long and complicated story. This thing that happened made my bond for her even stronger, but it did totally opposite to her.

 

Don't fool yourself...you get one chance, per woman, per lifetime. If she ever does come back, heaven help you because it means that you are the last man standing and not because she's truly interested.

 

I believe every situation is different and our relationship was nearly perfect. She started having emotional issues because of all this that happened and instead of trying to talk and work on it she kept it for herself until it got out of control and she started losing interest in me. I don't think we'll have another chance because it's not going to happen anytime soon and I won't be waiting. She's very good looking and has outgoing personality, I'll definitely never be the last man standing.That's healthy that you are going to move on but WHY IN THE WORLD ARE YOU KEEPING HER IN YOUR LIFE AS YOUR FRIEND? What is she adding to your life except frustration? Unless she has a ton of friends that she is actively hooking you up with, she is serving no purpose in your life. You are talking about being "friends" with a former lover who has secretly and purposely plotted the removal of your former loving relationship from her life. I don't see the point of staying friends here outside of you harboring false hope that you might get her back at some point.

 

I see your point and I'm not sure if being friends is even possible but I'm ready to give it a shot. It may be to early for that and I know I'm playing with fire here but I have nothing bad to say about her as a person and I can't see her as a stranger. Besides most of our friends are mutual friends and I can't keep avoiding them forever. Her new bf doesn't live here and even when he comes they don't hang out with our mutual friends so we won't end up in an awkward situation.

Of course this is how I feel now, we'll see how it works out in real life.5 years and she can't understand commitment? I'm not saying she is perfect here and she may very well be immature but I have to wonder why you would waste 5 years on someone like this. I look at this in 2 ways.

 

1. You had a girl that didn't understand real love, commitment, and deeper feelings but you still wasted 5 years of your life. If she is truly the person you claim she is above then you have only yourself to blame for pouring that much effort into a nowhere situation.

 

Or

 

2. She did understand those things but she fell out of love as many women do. You have to ask yourself if you did anything to make her fall out of love. A lot of times guys do this.

 

It's most likely no 2. I didn't do anything to make her fall in love but I know what caused it, there was nothing I could have done about it.

As I said our realtionship was nearly perfect and truth to be told I'm not sure what I've learned from all this if anything. If I had a chance to go back in time armed with this knowledge I don't think I'd be able to change anything. It worries me though, because if our relationship failed ANY relationship can fail. Stupid human psychology, bad things in life can always trigger something in our brains and mess up everything!On that day when our problem started I remember the only thing I was scared of was losing her! This is like a never ending nightmare, I'm still working on solving the problem but I don't even care anymore!

[Jeff M Stevens]

I hope you find a girl that will really appreciate you guy. I will offer one more piece of advice. Staying "friends" has absolutely no purpose. You yourself even don't know if you can handle it. She wasn't your "friend," she was your "lover" and now that phase is over.

 

I don't know...I think this adds nothing but frustration to your life with no upside.

 

Besides, do you really want to be friends with someone that has known for weeks or even months that she was going to flush you down the toilet and has secretly planned for the day when it was going to happen? Is that a true friend?

 

Having said that, that's all I can really offer except to offer you my well wishes on finding happiness.

[thatsonlyme]

I know what you mean man and I'm not expecting being best friends with her. Still, she's a person I spent best time of my life with and I'm not sure I can pretend that she's dead either.

I try to understand her side as well and I don't think she secretly planned anything. Her feelings were fading away and I all really blame her for not trying to talk about it. I can't expect person to stay with me if she doesn't love me anymore, but she made it easier for herself, which is very selfish.

I know I'm just making it harder on myself for trying to stay friends with her but all I want is to give it a try. I can lie to you but I can't fool myself, I'm still hoping that somewhere down the road she may grow up and come back. Maybe it was just too early for us. She was 21 when we met.

[Jeff M Stevens]

I know what you mean man and I'm not expecting being best friends with her. Still, she's a person I spent best time of my life with and I'm not sure I can pretend that she's dead either.

I'm not saying that! I am saying that it serves no purpose for you outside of hanging around so that you can maybe get her back at some point (which would be terrible for you). You even admit as much that you harbor those feelings below. It's not uncommon to have those feelings but you are really shooting yourself in the foot by having them because all you are doing is having false hope for a now finished situation and you might miss a great girl because of staying bogged down with the old flame

I try to understand her side as well and I don't think she secretly planned anything. Her feelings were fading away and I all really blame her for not trying to talk about it. I can't expect person to stay with me if she doesn't love me anymore, but she made it easier for herself, which is very selfish.

She sure did secretly plan it. This is a clear cut case of a woman losing interest level and knowing she was going to bail out. Do you think the new guy magically appeared? She put herself out there and had a new guy lined up ready to take your place. She treated you as cold as a person could in a relationship and yet you defend her? Its very simple, she lost interest and then planned her exit strategy. It happens but you should not give her an ounce of your time or energy for life. You need to find a girl that deserves a good guy like you

I know I'm just making it harder on myself for trying to stay friends with her but all I want is to give it a try. I can lie to you but I can't fool myself, I'm still hoping that somewhere down the road she may grow up and come back. Maybe it was just too early for us. She was 21 when we met.

One chance, per woman, per lifetime. If she's 26 or 27 now, she knew damn well what she was doing. She's a woman, not a little girl. If she does come back to you someday, heaven help you because it just means that she couldn't find anyone or she got her butt beat in the dating scene and now its time to go with "old reliable" that's been hanging around hoping to get back with her. Please do not be that guy that hangs around! You sound like you have a lot to offer a woman. You need to stop rationalizing your Exes behavior and move on and find a girl that will really give you 100% of her time, affection and feelings. This other girl does not deserve you. Your problem is that you're super fired up over her and can't get her out of your head. I know where you're coming from but please believe me when I tell you that this situation is over and its time to move on to a new adventure!

[thatsonlyme]

You're absolutely right man and that's exactly what my logical part is telling me I should do, but I'm just emotionally too weak. I hate it, but I can't seem to change it at the moment. Due to my work schedule I can hang out with friends only one day a week, the rest of the week I'm so lonely

On top of that most of our friends were mutual friends and I try not to hang out with them. I made a big mistake by not making my own circle of friends while we were together, but she was one of the first people I met when I arrived in this country and my only girlfriend, best friend and a family member here. Every street, every place, everything reminds me on her and I can't seem to push those feelings away. Feels like I'm wasting my life but I don't know what to do.

When we just broke up I was very determined to move on, I was going out a lot more, meeting new people, even had a date, but it's just so forced on me, it's not what I really want! It's just getting worse, not better.

I know it will pass, I know I will find someone, but I'm afraid of thinking how much longer I have to wait! It's been almost two months and I can count on fingers of one hand how many times I really had fun and felt good. It's not really like depression I still have strength to work or just take a walk alone, but those feelings are holding me back. I had a great chance to meet two girls in a park the other day but I failed. It felt terrible. here is what happened if someone cares to read:

I'm an amateur photographer with a nice camera and people routinely ask me to take photos of them. so I went out to take some photos. First I thought it will clear my mind but quickly i realized that I'd been to all those places taking photos with her! Felt like I'm trying to redo those photos just without her this time. With that s**t in my head I started feeling bad again.

As I walked I saw two girls taking photos of each other and I though I could just approach them and offer to take photos of two of them, that would be very natural and open them up for conversation. They were standing near drinking water fountain so I approached the fountain, I looked at them, they looked back, I smiled they smiled back, but I just couldn't open my mouth! Damn water fountain saved me from potentially awkward moment, so I drank and went on my way.

See, all this s**t is holding me down so bad and I can't seem to find a way to fight it.

On the other hand, if she feels bad about anything, or if she misses the new guy (long distance) or even if she starts thinking about me occasionally, she can just go out, have fun and forget about everything. And that's exactly what she's been doing..

[Jeff M Stevens]

Man,

 

I know how you feel for sure....no doubt. First of all, you need time...I know that sounds trite but its the truth. Feelings are stubborn..they refuse to turn on and off for our convenience.

 

I would change things around if I were you. Do different things. Get into different hobbies. Have you always been interested in <you fill in here>, then go for it. You might throw yourself into a new class or hobby or activity and then start changing what you're feeling as you get busier.

 

What's going on now is called "anchoring," in psychology. You "anchor" certain sounds, sights, stimuli, etc with her and the relationship you just lost.

 

And the logical part of the brain is no match for the emotional part. You might KNOW she's no good for you but your brain is FEELING that "I want her back so bad"

 

But that is just you missing your old routine and you're overrating the good times and glossing over the bad times

 

Plus, she chose this path. She planned it. You got blindsided. Happens all the time. Your world was turned upside down and its tough to deal with.

 

Don't push anything but creating new "anchors" in your brain that don't include her and your now ended relationship is important.

 

That's why its so vital you cut off all contact with her. If you continue to hang around her, the anchors will fire off and you can't handle them now.

All they do is bring you down and make you miserable.

 

You just need to get into new activities and create a new life and get yourself out there dating other women when ready. It won't be easy at first but as you do it, it will get better and who knows, you may find a girl that makes you forget you ever had a relationship with the other one.

 

You just might thank your lucky stars that the ex-girlfriend did what she did because it allowed you to meet someone that was everything you wanted.

 

But first things first....

 

Cut off all contact with her and get busy creating new anchors in your life. You seem like a good guy and you deserve a good girl.

 

I wish you well man!

[thatsonlyme]

All I can do is agree with you man.

I've come to some conclusions about my "perfect" ex gf but I think I'll just make a new topic about it.