It's progressing... , no lectures. is welcome. (LONG post)

[carrie999]

So I posted here for advice, and I'm sure I got the right advice. I was ready to end things, and tried to. It didn't work out that way. We had made plans (as couples) and decided to continue with them to avoid looking suspicious. Of course, this left us with plenty of time alone together, and things have progressed between us.

 

And most of you can probably predict where we are now, and will laugh at me when I say this: what we have is incredible, and something I'll never find with anyone else. Our spouses are both amazing people, which is all that is holding us back from running away together.

 

We're talking every day, probably more than I've ever spoken with anyone, including my best friend and my husband. We keep the chat open all day every day, and usually chat at night after they're in bed, and never run out of things to say. This is compounded by the fact that since day one, we've finished eachother's sentences, and constantly say the same thing at the same time. In person, we communicate so much with our eyes that we have entire conversations without anyone knowing what we're saying.

 

Recently, we had an unexpectedly intense talk in which we were honest about how we felt, which led us to realize that we wanted to be together, and wished our spouses (who are similarly alike) would fall for eachother to make it easier on us. We agreed that if I got pregnant, we'd probably just decide to be together regardless. We admitted that we're in love, as opposed to just loving one another. This isn't just a "puppy love" thing where we are adrenalized by new love...we are so much alike that our spouses and respective friends jokingly describe us as "the twins." After our hundreds or thousands of hours of talking, I still probably know 1% what his wife does about his life, but nobody knows him better than me...and the same goes for my lifelong best friend...he knows ME better than anyone ever has.

 

I've always found adultery horrifying, quite honestly. I'm generally open-minded, but that was a deal-breaker for me...and I always silently judged my friends when they cheated or were involved with someone who was taken. I really abhorred literature that involved adultery, too. To me, you stick with one person, and if you change your mind, you let them know before you act on impulses.

 

This has changed my perception of who I am, and how love works. I'm not saying that what we're doing is okay at all, but I still think timing is key here. We're both young (not THAT young) and invested our lives probably prematurely. When we had our first lapse in judgment a few months back, I was taken aback and posted here. I rationalized it the other way...we were just exhilarated, or bored, or generally confused...

 

But that's not the case for us. We're truly perfect together. Nobody completes me the way he does. He's a match to me in soul, body, and mind...

 

It might be easier for us to make the transition if we were only invested in our own relationships. But we're close as couples now. We get together a lot, and it's hard for me to imagine that my husband isn't falling for his wife (and vice versa) given how much they are alike too, and how much they make eachother laugh. It would be so much easier if that were true. But that's not the case. We're in love, and our spouses are seemingly in love with us.

 

It's such an easy dynamic that it seems like a travesty to throw it away. We agreed that we're at the point where we are almost willing to do so, but we'd lose everything in terms of everyone else...our spouses, our families, and our friends. Everyone would hate us.

 

That's what makes it so much more complicated than the traditional affair, so to speak. Until our families accepted what we did, which would take a very long time, we'd be facing this alone, together...

 

I'm sure this isn't a unique situation. Can anyone comment, without telling me how terrible this is?

[BB07]

So.............what is your plan? Is it going to be you and him all alone against the world?

[carrie999]

Wouldn't that be something if you two are in love, and your spouses are in love and the only thing stopping each of you from being with the loves of your lives is the dishonesty?

 

Don't be so quick to pull the trigger on the idea that your spouses might be having their own thing...feeling just like you two do. It would be interesting to say the least. Your H doesn't suspect that you're not in love with him anymore right? What seems to be different for him where you feel he's still in love with you?

 

Pretty sure it's not true, and sad that I'm hoping it is...

[whichwayisup]

But that's not the case for us. We're truly perfect together. Nobody completes me the way he does. He's a match to me in soul, body, and mind...

 

It might be easier for us to make the transition if we were only invested in our own relationships. But we're close as couples now. We get together a lot, and it's hard for me to imagine that my husband isn't falling for his wife (and vice versa) given how much they are alike too, and how much they make eachother laugh. It would be so much easier if that were true. But that's not the case. We're in love, and our spouses are seemingly in love with us.

 

It's such an easy dynamic that it seems like a travesty to throw it away. We agreed that we're at the point where we are almost willing to do so, but we'd lose everything in terms of everyone else...our spouses, our families, and our friends. Everyone would hate us.

 

If you truly feel he is your soulmate and you are his, then get the courage to end your marriage and him end his marriage so you two can be together. If the love is THAT strong, and you two want to make a go of it then the consquence is, losing your husband, your family unit as one, the life you know now, as well as inlaws, various friends, neighbours.. You're giving up one life to start another.

 

Or, stop being so selfish and realize that you're both caught up in affairyland, where everything is perfect, noone's poo smells and it's all loveydovey, happy happy. LIFE is not like that and it seems you've lowered your own belief system, your morals, your values and justified this affair.

 

And no, I'm NOT judging you, I'm just giving you a harsh reality kick here. People ARE going to be crushed and lives are going to be turned upside down. But ,if this is what you both want, OWN it and just come clean to your spouses.

 

The longer you continue the affair, the higher chance you both are going to get busted.

[Circular]

It was eerie reading this, the first 7 paragraphs especially. My EA went on for nearly two years and I thought exactly the same, even the part about being anti-affair and judgmental about it. Over that two years we talked everyday, almost endlessly... then reality started breaking us apart and now we are no more. I'm still dealing with it, the aftermath is devastating with or without D-Day. I wound up losing someone I really loved and cared about, and it has become all so messy.

 

I know the feeling you are experiencing, it's indescribable at some level. People here say it's the affair fog, affairyland, etc... I'm not sure what it is, sometimes you just stumble into someone and you click on all levels, that's how it was with us and though people didn't call us twins, before anything even really started people would make comments about how we were around each other.

 

I don't have anything much to say except, be prepared, no matter what happens somebody is going to get hurt and there's a lot of emotional pain to deal with - you won't intend on hurting anyhow but that's just how it will play out. Even if you think your hubby will hook up with his wife, it's going to get ugly, messy, and you'll be heavily impacted by the loss of either of the two.

[BB07]

No lectures, no negativity wanted uh.

 

Too bad real life can't be the same.

[Chrome Barracuda]

So your having a fling at your husband's and family expense. WOW....

 

...Sigh,you know what guys dont feed the trolls and maybe they'll go away soon enough. Let's pat her on her back for cheating on her family! YAY!

[aerogurl87]

what we have is incredible, and something I'll never find with anyone else. Our spouses are both amazing people, which is all that is holding us back from running away together.

 

 

You sound like a 12 year old. Running away together? Come on this is not some fairytale. First off if you want to be together that badly tell your spouses. I'm sure once reality sinks in things won't be as peachy. So go tell your spouses and then run away and live happily ever after.

[woinlove]

Our spouses are both amazing people, which is all that is holding us back from running away together.

 

Your feelings for your spouse are likely to change more the longer this affair goes on. So, while you feel your spouse is amazing, perhaps it will help you decide what to do if you spend some time trying to put yourself in his shoes and ask how you would like to be treated if the tables were turned. The options seem to be to continue on as you are doing, end the affair and keep it a secret, confess and see where that takes all of you, decide to leave and carry through (which at that point might as well involve some kind of confession as your spouses will soon find out the reason.)

 

We agreed that if I got pregnant, we'd probably just decide to be together regardless.

 

Is this just fantasy thinking, i.e. how wonderful it would be to have a baby with someone you are in love with? Or is this a possibility, i.e. you are having unprotected sex and might get pregnant by your AP? If the latter, I think it is a big mistake to take chances without making an informed decision in this case. Don't leave something this important to chance.

 

 

It's such an easy dynamic that it seems like a travesty to throw it away. We agreed that we're at the point where we are almost willing to do so, but we'd lose everything in terms of everyone else...our spouses, our families, and our friends. Everyone would hate us.

 

That's what makes it so much more complicated than the traditional affair, so to speak. Until our families accepted what we did, which would take a very long time, we'd be facing this alone, together...

 

I'm sure this isn't a unique situation. Can anyone comment, without telling me how terrible this is?

 

You seem to be saying the current situation, of having your spouses and friends and your lover, is such an easy dynamic. Am I reading that correctly? If so, I don't think you are trying hard enough to see reality. Living this double life with both spouses and close friends will take its toll and should not remain "easy" for anyone capable of love and compassion.

 

At the moment, you still appear to have the option of ending things and not telling your spouses. This (not confiding in an "amazing" spouse) is not an option I would personally choose, but it is an option. That option may not be possible for much longer if you continue on with the affair. Once it closes, you will have much less control as your spouses will make their own decisions.

Edited September 28, 2010 by woinlove

[greengoddess]

you have no idea the pain you are about to bring his wife and your husband, you really are living in fantasyland if you want people to comment without saying how terrible this is.

 

Did you ever think that your husband and his wife are so alike because they are a perfect balance for your personalities? In fantasy you are so alike it is wonderful, a dream, twins, in real life it won't work. You are too alike for the day to day. There won't be a balancing counter personality. Unfortunately you will not discover this till you destry your marriages and forever change your spouses. You will forever change them. If they couldn't trust their spouse and friends they won't ever be able to trust anyone.

 

Enjoy the fun for now. You will have years of heartache to look back at this beautiful time in your life.

[bentnotbroken]

My first thought is if you need someone to complete you, then you are in bigger trouble than even you know. Then end it with your respective spouses so they can have the opportunity to have someone treat them with the "completeness":sick: that you enjoy.

[In_Repair]

Sounds like heaven to me... why on earth would you guys keep it a secret? You should go tell your husband right away...

 

Maybe your husband will do like I did and replace you with a younger and better looking version, actually finding happiness in the process. Then you can be like my STBX wife and enjoy a miserable life with your lying cheater.

 

Don't take my word for it though, because there are at least two or three affair "success" stories here, amongst the hundreds of failures, that you might find comfort in.

 

Sorry for being a prick. Your opening post just rubbed me the wrong way. Good luck, you will need it.

[Star_Bright]

I think this is the problem with affairs... if they are so good that both parties want more, then the other spouses are going to get hurt, not sure if there are kids involved but families can be torn apart, etc. So really you just have to make a choice. To go be with him since he is the love of your life and just deal with the fall-out together. Yes it will be bad but that is what you have to do to stay together. Or try to end it and that will be hard too and you will be the one hurt. I guess it comes down to whether you would rather hurt your husband or yourself?

[Owl]

OK, no lectures, and no judgements.

 

Just some straight up observations, and some advice.

 

First off, recognize you're deep in something called "the affair fog". Right now, your ability to make rational decisions/judgements about your situation is severely compromised. You're so deeply drawn into what you feel that you can't think.

 

As an example...what do you see as the outcome of this? The two of you fantasize about what it would be like if your respective SO's fell in love with each other...and avoid working through what's going to happen when this is all discovered.

 

You're focusing on the fun, and avoiding any responsibility for what you're doing or the pending doom that's incoming when this is all discovered by one or the other spouse.

 

Rational thinking is gone out the window here...its all about the fantasy, the feelings, the right now. NO REAL consideration for what's coming, what will happen, or the costs your spouses are going to suffer as a result of your fun time.

 

I agree with the recommendations you've been given to "out" this situation now. Tell your spouses, give them the chance to decide what they want out of all of this, and FACE the issues rather than irresponsibly sit there and focus on the fun and take no responsibility for the pain that's coming.

 

What do you think? Can you do the adult thing here, turn from the pleasure for a moment to actually do the responsible thing and end your existing relationships?

[fooled once]

So why aren't you both getting a divorce???