Jealousy Is Eating Away At Me

[Zev]

Background:

 

I'm 29, she's 24. We first met for dinner about 2 months ago, on a whim after meeting online. She was going to Italy for a year for a master's degree program and we both knew it, but decided to meet up anyway. Much to our dismay, we hit it off pretty spectacularly... We only had about 2 weeks together before she left for Spain for a week and a half for a little vacation and then one amazing weekend when she came back before she left for Italy, where she's been for the last month. When she left, we hadn't really established what the relationship was but we both knew we were crazy about the other. After about a week and a half out there, we decided that we wanted to be exclusive with one another. We've spoken every day since she's been out there for several hours each day, whether by IM or video chat. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her, but haven't told her yet because I'd rather say it to her in person when I go visit her in 3 weeks. I'm also pretty sure she feels the same way about me.

 

 

A little bit about me:

 

I get jealous. I'm not insecure about myself, and in fact most people think I can be pretty over confident at times. But when I'm in a relationship, I have this strong, strong desire to love and be loved by my partner in a very monogamous and special way. Flirting bothers me because it indicates, to me, that there's something I can't provide to my girlfriend that she has to find outside the relationship. I like to go out and have fun, but I'm also perfectly content to just hang around with a couple friends or do my own thing alone. I'm not much into going out to bars and definitely not into clubs. I'm living in a city where I've been for a year now and don't really have an established circle of friends yet, which is OK with me for the most part. But being as such, opportunities for going out are few and far between, which again - I'm perfectly OK with. But that means I spend more time in my head than most people.

 

 

A little bit about her:

 

She's gorgeous. She's also very social and outgoing and loves her alcohol and is a self-proclaimed flirt. She's admitted that when she drinks liquor, she becomes even more uninhibited, but she doesn't believe being drunk is any excuse for one's actions. She's a burgeoning polyglot and loves people and all things social and learning new languages. This is something I admire about her. It's also something which makes me anxious when she's 4500 miles away in a foreign country...

 

 

So here's the situation:

 

Since day 1 practically, I've been in a near-constant state of anxiousness due to jealous thoughts I can't get out of my head. We've had several discussions about this, where I've told her that I get really jealous when I think of her going out to a bar with her classmates or her getting drinks with an Italian guy for a language exchange. She tells me not to worry and that she's interested in me and that if that weren't the case, she would just tell me so because there would be no point in us carrying on with the LDR thing. I realize that a lot of my thoughts are irrational and that they are my own issues to deal with, but I've asked her for her help with this. After one of our more serious talks on the subject where I really opened up to her about what bothers me, not more than 24 hours later, she tells me this:

 

Her: i have to be honest, i might be developing a serious crush on my professor from today

Me: ...

Her: Igor

Her: cant be over like, 30

Her: hes slovenian

Me: oh

Me: awesome

Her:

Her: a genius expert on eu lobbying

Her: it would never work out i would feel too inferior

Her: but it makes class interesting..

Her: im not the only one with a crush

Me: this teasing for a healthy me does not make

Her: heheh sorry

Her: i will stop

Her: every girl is in love with him tho

Her: so it just means im normal

 

So we had a conversation after that whereby I told her that I was more upset at the fact that after explicitly telling her about how uncomfortable and anxious and jealous I felt and asking her for her help in dealing with this, she tells me about her amazing professor. She rationalized it by saying that it meant nothing and that he was her professor and equated it to saying that a celebrity was hot. My response was that many male professors have slept with their female grad students and that whether or not that would happen is irrelevant to the fact that now I would constantly be thinking about this. And that it wasn't at all the same as saying a male celebrity was hot, since she sees the guy on a weekly basis.

 

Since then, this is what else I've been thinking about based on what she's told me:

 

1) One of her classmates has a crush on her and he is a guy whom she spends the most time with compared to any of her other male classmates. He also likes to get drunk and hit up the bars and clubs with her.

2) Another one of her male classmates stares at her in class and has invited her to his room to watch TV (there may have been other people there - I don't know)

3) She goes out to bars and clubs during the week and on the weekends, drinks a bunch and is constantly getting hit on by Italians, Americans, Brits, Aussies and all sorts of other men.

4) When she's at clubs, she dances with other guys, including her classmates. She claims it's just innocent fun and that she has no desire to grind with another guy but just tonight she told me about some Aussie who came up behind her and started dry-humping her on the dance floor. She did say that she asked a friend to get one of her guy classmates, who she then started dancing with instead. As she was leaving the club, an Italian guy started hitting on her pretty aggressively.

5) There's an Italian waiter she told me about who has asked her to come to his restaurant every day and he will give her Italian lessons.

6) A visiting professor staying in a room across the courtyard saw her completely naked through her window while she was changing the other day.

7) She wants to go on language exchanges with Italian men because, she says, she has more fun doing them with men than women.

 

 

A lot of these actions are harmless and most none of these are within her control. She can't help it if men crush on her or hit on her. And I don't believe she left the window open so some other guy could see her naked. I also don't believe she initiated the dry-humping with the Aussie. And I don't believe she has any intention in seeking out a relationship with the Italian waiter. But the culmination of all these things over the last 4 weeks is beginning to become more than I can handle.

 

I need help.

 

Several questions:

 

1) She has said multiple times that she wants to be with me and that I have nothing to worry about. I do believe her when she says this. Am I being naive? Should I be showing more self-interest in not having my heart crushed if/when something happens?

 

2) What can I do to get over my jealous thoughts? I've been trying to keep busy, but I can't stop thinking about her. Not because of the jealous thoughts, but because I've fallen that much for her. She's in my thoughts almost the entire day, and when our most recent encounter is a happy, innocent conversation, I'm great. But if she's out at a bar or she's just told me about some other guy who has a crush on her, then I can't get the jealous thoughts out of my head no matter what I do. I literally have a physical reaction where it feels like my chest is hollow and is being crushed under an immense weight.

 

3) I don't want to control her and tell her to stop doing things. My thoughts have been that if I tell her what is bothering me and she's really interested in forming a relationship between the two of us, that she'll stop doing the things that bother me...like dancing with other guys. Well, I told her that the thought of her grinding with another guy made me jealous/angry/anxious/uncomfortable beyond words. That was 2 days ago. And tonight she tells me that there was another guy grinding with her... Without explicitly limiting what she does (because I don't want to be controlling and I don't want her resenting me), what exactly can I ask her to do to help with this? I'm not sure if I should tell her to tell me about all these things or keep them from me. Neither sounds like a good option to me.

 

 

I'm going to visit her in 3 weeks. After that, we'll be apart again for 2 months until she comes home for Christmas. Then we'll have 3 weeks before she heads back to Italy for 7 more months. I have no problem waiting that long, because I think she's worth it. She's told me the exact same thing. I want to make this work and I think we can make this work, as long as we can work past these issues. But I'm not sure where to begin. Please, if you have some advice - I'd love to hear it.

Edited September 28, 2010 by Zev

[USMCHokie]

In your original unedited post, you said we could ask you questions...so I have a question...

 

Could you make your first post shorter...? Perhaps summarize the situation and your questions in a short paragraph...?

[Zev]

Sure.

 

 

BLUF:

 

I'm 29, she's 24. We've only spent ~2 weeks together in person before she left for Italy for a year for a graduate program, where she's been for the last month. We decided to enter into an exclusive relationship because we're both really into one another. I'm an introvert without a large circle of friends. She's social and flirty and likes to go out to bars and clubs and drink and dance and she's in a foreign country. I've explained to her that I get jealous. She's told me not to worry, that she's into me and if she weren't, we wouldn't be pursuing the LDR. She's also told me several things which have made me even more jealous (justifiably so or not, I don't know). I need some advice as to whether I'm being irrational, how to deal with my jealous feelings and what, if anything, I can ask of her to help this work between us. I really want this work and I think she does to.

[USMCHokie]

THANK YOU SO MUCH...

 

That's exactly how long your first post should have been...I honestly did not even bother reading the first one because it was so f'in long and probably full of relatively irrelevant stuff...take this as a tip for future use...people are less likely to respond to your threads if your first post is a small novel...

 

That being said, this is something you have to deal with yourself. You can't ask her to be someone she isn't or tell her not to do certain things while she's abroad. LDRs are hard work, and both people have to have complete trust in each other. You certainly can't control her behavior from a distance, so it's something you just have to man up and deal with. If you are able to trust her and not get anxious and jealous every moment of your life without her, then continue in your relationship with her. If you feel that your life is going to turn into a living hell because you'll spend every waking hour wondering what she's doing across the pond, perhaps it's best to put the relationship on hiatus, either temporarily or permanently. That way you can focus on you until she returns or you can find someone local to date.

 

LDRs are not for the jealous or untrusting...

[Romance]

Jeeze, it seems like she is rubbing it in your face that all of these men find her desirable. Does she ever say things like "I miss you!" I wish you were here with me" like, you know..things saying that she wishes she could be with you and without all of this male attention? ..She could simply ignore it. Or dance innocently with these men and not tell you about it. It just sounds like she wants you to be jealous of how much fun she's having or something..

[Zev]

USMCHokie: Thanks for your response. I do tend to be verbose... Your words have been something that I've been considering, it's just that I'm really, really, really into this chick. I want to deal with this - just not sure exactly how.

 

 

Romance: She does tell me she misses me quite often and she does say she wishes I were there. She's never downplayed the other male attention, however. And I do believe she's trying to ignore it. But it does also seem like she's flaunting it to me at times. I do also ask her a lot of questions. Do you think I should tell her to stop telling me all this stuff? I think that might drive me crazier as then my imagination would be getting the better of me even more than it is now.

[aerogurl87]

I wouldn't be comfortable with someone who sought out so much attention from the opposite sex. She's a party girl and yes her intentions may be good, but party girls don't make for good girlfriends. She's also apparently not considerate of your feelings. I'd never tell my boyfriend that I was crushing on a professor if he told me my being overly flirtatious caused some insecurities with him. I don't know what to tell you, but the outlook on this relationship doesn't look well given her personality.

[D-Lish]

I'd never, ever mention to my bf thousands of miles away (or across the street for that matter) that I found someone else I met attractive- nor would I dangle that other men found me attractive and I had "options".

 

You might think you know this girl, but you don't yet, it's too soon.

IMO, you are dating an attention whore. What purpose does it serve to alert someone with an admitted jealousy issue that you have interests and options where you are...? I think the things she "let's slip" to you are actually calculated- and mean.

 

You've admitted your vulnerability to her, and now she's exploiting it.

You have insight into your own character- would you ever in a million years tell the woman you love that you are lusting after your hot cougar professor? Of course you wouldn't!

 

All I am cautioning is that this girl probably isn't everything you've cracked her up to be in your head. I'd be careful.

[Zev]

aerogurl87: Thanks for your response. She has admitted to being a party girl, but says that when she's in a relationship she usually calms down. Thing is, while we're "in a relationship", we're also 4500 miles apart and she's in a foreign country where she has every intention of having a good time. I don't want her to not have a good time but the thing is, for her, a good portion of having a good time is going out to bars and clubs and getting drunk. Which is precisely one of the things that makes me feel really anxious. :\ I want to NOT feel this way.

[Zev]

D-Lish: Thanks - I've thought of all of this as well. I want to believe that she doesn't really think it's a big deal because she really has her heart committed to me. It's tough to believe...and maybe even a bit foolish...but I think I do?

 

Though you may be 100% correct that I don't know her as well as I think I do. I hope that's not the case.

 

And no, I'd never tell the woman I loved anything of the sort. Some people express their love in different ways though, no? If you're comfortable and confident enough in your relationship, then what's the big deal in mentioning that another guy or girl is cute? I told her that my thing with that wasn't so much that she said it...but that she said it so soon after I opened up to her fully about how I was feeling.

 

And just to clarify, she hasn't expressed interest in any other guy she's met out there (with the exception of the professor, which she really didn't think was a big deal). In fact, she's told me several times that I have nothing to worry about and that she's not interested in Italian men because they're too macho and have mother-issues. She's also said several times that I'm leagues ahead of any of her male classmates. Though the one with a crush on her who goes bar-hopping and clubbing with her and likes to get equally trashed does concern me since they're going to be together for another 10 months...

Edited September 28, 2010 by Zev

[Zev]

D-Lish: One more thing - a lot of these things have been just things she dropped in general conversation. But more often, she tells me something after I've asked her a question. Like the thing with the dry-humping and getting hit on while at the club tonight. She said she went to a karaoke bar and had fun and that was it. Except she was there for 5 hours. Well I knew that the bar turned into a club after hours, so I began asking her specific questions about the night and what she did. I mean, who spends 5 hours doing karaoke except Japanese businessmen? She mentioned this really aggressive Aussie hitting on her and I asked her if she was dancing with him and she said he just came up behind her and started grinding. The comment about the Italian hitting on her did seem like she said it to intentionally hurt me. Though it could've been just as equal that she wanted to show me that even though some guy hit on her, she was laying in her bed talking to me on her computer.

[aerogurl87]

My question is why do you want to date someone who thinks a part of having a good time is getting drunk all the time?

[Zev]

My question is why do you want to date someone who thinks a part of having a good time is getting drunk all the time?

 

Honestly? Not at all. :[

 

My mom is an alcoholic and this disturbs me more than anything. 1) Because it brings back negative thoughts of my mom being drunk and 2) Because it makes me wonder why someone needs to drink so often in order to have a good time.

 

I've also shared this with her. Well, the first point. I didn't want to bring the second point up because then I'd sound judgmental and I'm trying to avoid that.

 

When she's not drunk and we're talking, it's awesome. And, far and away, the best times we've spent together have been when we were both sober (in my opinion).

 

As I said, I'm going to go visit her in 3 weeks. We'll see how the alcohol consumption goes during that time.

[lumenus]

She sounds like an ex GF of mine who I discovered playing 3 guys at the same time.

[aerogurl87]

Honestly? Not at all. :[

 

My mom is an alcoholic and this disturbs me more than anything. 1) Because it brings back negative thoughts of my mom being drunk and 2) Because it makes me wonder why someone needs to drink so often in order to have a good time.

 

I've also shared this with her. Well, the first point. I didn't want to bring the second point up because then I'd sound judgmental and I'm trying to avoid that.

 

When she's not drunk and we're talking, it's awesome. And, far and away, the best times we've spent together have been when we were both sober (in my opinion).

 

As I said, I'm going to go visit her in 3 weeks. We'll see how the alcohol consumption goes during that time.

 

Usually people who HAVE to drink to have a good time are very unstable in some way, shape, or form. I really don't see this as being a healthy relationship and for some reason I see trouble up ahead.

[Zev]

I truly appreciate the feedback and concern and recommendations, but my intention wasn't to come here and bash on my girlfriend or to feel vindicated. I recognize that a lot of my feelings are self-inflicted and my beef with her isn't so much what she does, but moreso that she hasn't seemed to help me overcome these issues, even after discussing it with her.

 

We had another talk the other day where I communicated how upset I was and specifically why. Her immediate reaction was that I was being silly and that transformed into defensiveness. She especially thought so on the issue of the professor seeing her naked. I tried to explain that I know it wasn't something she did on purpose, but she didn't seem to understand two things: 1) that any guy, upon hearing that another guy had seen his girlfriend naked would probably be a little upset and even more so if the boyfriend was the jealous type and 2) I was more upset that she told me this and that she wouldn't think this would be something that would upset me. Am I incorrect in assuming that the guys out there would NOT want to hear that another guy saw their girlfriend naked, even if it were an accident?

 

Then she had to go to class but before she left, I asked her if she could do 3 things for me:

 

1) Stop telling me about all the guys who hit on her or had crushes on her, etc.

2) Don't tell me if she thinks a guy is cute or hot or awesome or whatever unless she plans on leaving me for him.

3) If she goes out dancing, innocent dancing is fine - but I don't want any guys putting their hands or other body parts on her. If this happens, she's to make it very clear that she has a boyfriend and if they continue dancing in that way with her, she should just walk away.

 

I didn't present it as an ultimatum, but I said that if she couldn't do these things then we'd continue to have problems. Her response was that she didn't like rules, but I simply said these were requests and that if she had a problem with doing any of these things, we should talk about why. Then she left for class - when she got back, her first response was that she would do those things. I was glad.

 

After class, we resumed the conversation and she apologized for making me upset, intentionally or not. She also apologized for becoming defensive. We spoke at length and it became even more clear that she really does care for me a lot and wants to make this work. I don't feel like I'm being naive when I believe her when she tells me things because I'm pretty perceptive and she's easy to read and you can generally tell how much someone means something by what they say and how they say it. When she tells me she wants to be with me and has absolutely no intention of being with anyone else - I believe her. I asked her to put some of that in writing, which I can refer to when I get those jealous thoughts or anxious feelings - I think that will help me. I also think that with this clear understanding between us now, her efforts to not instigate these feelings in me, and my efforts to learn to let go of these feelings by trusting in her, we should get through this.

 

Having said all that, there's a maxim I still plan to adhere to...Trust, but verify...

 

I'll continue to update the thread as our LDR progresses because maybe someone out there is in a similar situation and would be interested in seeing how this turns out for us? YMMV.

Edited September 29, 2010 by Zev

[aerogurl87]

Zev I'm happy for you. You put down some boundaries for your relationship and that's good. I don't see why anyone would tell their SO that they found another person to be hot. My ex did that and honestly it made me feel hurt and insecure. My ex best friend's boyfriend does this constantly. One incident I remember is us all going to the grocery store over the summer and him pointing out how this one girl who was walking around in a bikini top, had a really nice rack right in front of her. He didn't apologize either and yet he tells her to suck it up when she says her self esteem is low. *sigh*

 

Anyway, boundaries are good and you've let her know what you will and will not accept in your relationship. Hope you two work out and keep us updated.

[Zev]

Soooo....everyone was right.

 

Just found out she made out with one of the guys in her class last night while walking home drunk from a bar. Not even one of the ones I was worried about, either...

 

Sucks, because I'm still going to Italy now...alone. Anyone have any friends over there?

[lizzibeth]

Soooo....everyone was right.

 

Just found out she made out with one of the guys in her class last night while walking home drunk from a bar. Not even one of the ones I was worried about, either...

 

Sucks, because I'm still going to Italy now...alone. Anyone have any friends over there?

I'm so sorry.

[Zev]

Ah, correction!

 

I just found out that she made out with the first guy I was worried about, as well!

 

Man...this is the stuff I know about. I'm wondering what I don't know about now?

 

What a slut. That thought alone is helping me get past this.

 

I guess the moral of the story is, trust your head and your gut over your heart? So sad...

[witabix]

The writing really was on the wall for that one Zev. Sorry to hear. Chalk it down to experience and move right along.

 

In the meantime try to get a handle on your jealousy issues. They will eat you up in time, try not to let this episode become a defining moment in your life, not all girls are like this.

 

Good luck in Italy, have fun, mend yourself and go home with a few good memories of a beautiful country. The women are stunning!