enufdrama Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 why are these relationships so addictive and hard to break free from? even when we know they are bad for us and others involved?
BB07 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 why are these relationships so addictive and hard to break free from? even when we know they are bad for us and others involved? For me, I think, heck I know something is broken in me. Something inside of me causes my radar to be off, once my heart gets involved and I let my heart go ahead of my head at times. I'm tired of being broken either by my own doings or allowing someone else to do it to me because I don't use my brains. It's strange but in other dealings in my life, I've very intuitive and no dummy when it concerns strangers or allowing someone to get close to me, it's just the romantic stuff that I have trouble with. I know that my brokenness comes from my family background and I have struggled with it all my life. Uggggg! I think it's always going to be a difficult balance for me, now I'm afraid that I will be so cynical that I won't let anyone ever get a chance again or.........there won't be anyone that even wants a chance. I'm not sure which scenario is worse.
pureinheart Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 For me, I think, heck I know something is broken in me. Something inside of me causes my radar to be off, once my heart gets involved and I let my heart go ahead of my head at times. I'm tired of being broken either by my own doings or allowing someone else to do it to me because I don't use my brains. It's strange but in other dealings in my life, I've very intuitive and no dummy when it concerns strangers or allowing someone to get close to me, it's just the romantic stuff that I have trouble with. I know that my brokenness comes from my family background and I have struggled with it all my life. Uggggg! I think it's always going to be a difficult balance for me, now I'm afraid that I will be so cynical that I won't let anyone ever get a chance again or.........there won't be anyone that even wants a chance. I'm not sure which scenario is worse. BB, I think it's because you trust and don't expect others to lie or deceive you...there is little wrong with you and everything wrong with them. I am very R shy right now to, although breaking out of it...good luck BB...there is a cool guy out there for you:)
BB07 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 BB, I think it's because you trust and don't expect others to lie or deceive you...there is little wrong with you and everything wrong with them. I am very R shy right now to, although breaking out of it...good luck BB...there is a cool guy out there for you:) Ahhh thanks Pure, you are a sweetie pie. Guess it's about time I learned to be alone with myself and like it. Perhaps that will mend some of the broken parts of me and I'll be better for my next relationship........if that ever happens. You deserve someone wonderful too.
camel's toe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 (edited) For me, I think, heck I know something is broken in me. Something inside of me causes my radar to be off, once my heart gets involved and I let my heart go ahead of my head at times. I'm tired of being broken either by my own doings or allowing someone else to do it to me because I don't use my brains. It's strange but in other dealings in my life, I've very intuitive and no dummy when it concerns strangers or allowing someone to get close to me, it's just the romantic stuff that I have trouble with. I know that my brokenness comes from my family background and I have struggled with it all my life. Uggggg! I think it's always going to be a difficult balance for me, now I'm afraid that I will be so cynical that I won't let anyone ever get a chance again or.........there won't be anyone that even wants a chance. I'm not sure which scenario is worse. I totally know where you are coming from. I have thought the same. I bet, like me, you're probably nobody's fool, maybe people describe you as such. People are always telling me I'm a good judge of character and I am. I'm very intuitive, often I'll sense when someone is no good while others get sucked in by that person. I'm always very forthright but with romance, it is as if it were a different person. I felt for a long time that I was born like that maybe. Or spent ages trying to see what tipped me over and made me like it. But I think dwelling too much on the past doesn't really help. This is the path you have taken, for whatever reason. Spend time alone, no distractions and you can learn to love yourself and not need to get that from others. You may feel cynical now. Spend time alone and you will find the balance. Some cynicism, some devil may care. Spend time alone doing things you love. This summer I was at the height of my aloneness. It HURT. I decided to help my friend with her garden and also I started growing plants on my balcony. I became obsessed with those plants LOL with a fervour hitherto reserved for men. I credit those damned flowers with alot! Everyday I was out there checking "have you sprouted yet". I even said "oh I can't go on holiday cos I don't want to leave my plants"! They kept me sane. I think people need a focus. Mine was always "men". But I'm not afraid any more. I used to almost shiver with the fear of being left on the shelf. Now I just care a lot less. Being desperate makes you unhappy. Enjoy your life and you will get the reward. Edited September 29, 2010 by camel's toe added something
Dasha Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 This is exactly the question I have been asking myself lately. So glad I found this forum. It's so easy in my aloneness to really start telling myself I'm a bad person. But I come on here and read posts from others who feel the same way and I don't think you are bad people. It sucks to be ruled so much by emotion and feelings, including lust. Seems like the feelings always manage to overrule the intellect which knows better.
siuys Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 Well, for me, this is the first, and last affair I will have with an attached person. I didn't know what I was getting into, and should have used my brain more! For me, I think it was addictive because we never had a chance to do normal things, so despite the A having gone on for 8 months, we were still in the initially 'lust' stage (i.e. a bit addictive). I think it was hard to break free from in my case because I really saw potential with him - potential being the operative word. You simply can't bet on potential. He was very different when I first met him. Now he's a panicky, indecisive tw** so I stopped thinking about what could have been, what he was like coz right now, it sure ain't gonna work for me. I think I was delusional about the situation, and did not acknowledge the signs and thought I could just be there for him, love him, and would solve the commitment problem. How stupid. I also think I was very ready for a relationship and because of the chemistry with xMM, it was hard to resist. I tried to end it at the beginning. I should have. Oh well, s*** happens, live and learn.
Fieldsofgold Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 For me, I think, heck I know something is broken in me. Something inside of me causes my radar to be off, once my heart gets involved and I let my heart go ahead of my head at times. I'm tired of being broken either by my own doings or allowing someone else to do it to me because I don't use my brains. It's strange but in other dealings in my life, I've very intuitive and no dummy when it concerns strangers or allowing someone to get close to me, it's just the romantic stuff that I have trouble with. I know that my brokenness comes from my family background and I have struggled with it all my life. Uggggg! I think it's always going to be a difficult balance for me, now I'm afraid that I will be so cynical that I won't let anyone ever get a chance again or.........there won't be anyone that even wants a chance. I'm not sure which scenario is worse. I could have written this. We must be twins separated at birth.
pureinheart Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I totally know where you are coming from. I have thought the same. I bet, like me, you're probably nobody's fool, maybe people describe you as such. People are always telling me I'm a good judge of character and I am. I'm very intuitive, often I'll sense when someone is no good while others get sucked in by that person. I'm always very forthright but with romance, it is as if it were a different person. I felt for a long time that I was born like that maybe. Or spent ages trying to see what tipped me over and made me like it. But I think dwelling too much on the past doesn't really help. This is the path you have taken, for whatever reason. Spend time alone, no distractions and you can learn to love yourself and not need to get that from others. You may feel cynical now. Spend time alone and you will find the balance. Some cynicism, some devil may care. Spend time alone doing things you love. This summer I was at the height of my aloneness. It HURT. I decided to help my friend with her garden and also I started growing plants on my balcony. I became obsessed with those plants LOL with a fervour hitherto reserved for men. I credit those damned flowers with alot! Everyday I was out there checking "have you sprouted yet". I even said "oh I can't go on holiday cos I don't want to leave my plants"! They kept me sane. I think people need a focus. Mine was always "men". But I'm not afraid any more. I used to almost shiver with the fear of being left on the shelf. Now I just care a lot less. Being desperate makes you unhappy. Enjoy your life and you will get the reward. I know BB will find this to be a majorly cool response to her! In bold, mine was for a year, the first time ever...no kids, nothing. I hated it at first, but then began to enjoy it, bigtime. I have my big giant keepsake to work on (my home that I grew up in that my mom left me), although I needed "life"...mine turned out to be parakeets...well, it is very hard for them to reproduce, especially with someone who knew nothing about them to begin with....BUT, my parakeets had babies...I started with 2 rare white ones and the babies turned out white too...so I have 7 white little parakeets and they kept me sane also. They sing and play. BB, it was horrible to realise that I was really alone in my home, all of the time, but I wasn't paranoid or scared, ever, there was an unusual peace...oh and BTW, you are the sweetie!!!!!!
pureinheart Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 This is exactly the question I have been asking myself lately. So glad I found this forum. It's so easy in my aloneness to really start telling myself I'm a bad person. But I come on here and read posts from others who feel the same way and I don't think you are bad people. It sucks to be ruled so much by emotion and feelings, including lust. Seems like the feelings always manage to overrule the intellect which knows better. Ya but sometimes we have to own the emotions and forget rational intellect...lol...I'm glad too you found LS...most of the people are caring and warm. You are NOT a bad person, I am not sure what your story is, but you are right where your supposed to be right now...here, and I'm glad your here:)...tell us more about you:)
pureinheart Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I could have written this. We must be twins separated at birth. Wow, no way!!!! Guess you guys are "sis's" now:D...too cool actually...sisterhood, I love it!
Fieldsofgold Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 (edited) Wow, no way!!!! Guess you guys are "sis's" now:D...too cool actually...sisterhood, I love it! LOL, yeah, I think there is a giant sisterhood here. I used to have finches. They were my babies. They had babies, too. Shortly before my 40th birthday, I was TOTALLY alone. It occurred to me one day that i had never seen an egg of any kind hatch. On my 40th bday, the exact day, when I checked on my birds, one of the momas hopped off her nest and there was an egg, just starting to crack open. I watched a baby bird hatch for my 40th bday "present." It was very cool. That evening I decided to take myself out to dinner. Parked at the restaurant, opened the car door, and just as I started to step out, there lay a big red ribbon bookmark, right at my feet. In big gold letters it said, "Happy Birthday! God loves you!" I believe we are never truly alone. Edited September 29, 2010 by Fieldsofgold
BB07 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I totally know where you are coming from. I have thought the same. I bet, like me, you're probably nobody's fool, maybe people describe you as such. People are always telling me I'm a good judge of character and I am. I'm very intuitive, often I'll sense when someone is no good while others get sucked in by that person. I'm always very forthright but with romance, it is as if it were a different person. I felt for a long time that I was born like that maybe. Or spent ages trying to see what tipped me over and made me like it. But I think dwelling too much on the past doesn't really help. This is the path you have taken, for whatever reason. Spend time alone, no distractions and you can learn to love yourself and not need to get that from others. You may feel cynical now. Spend time alone and you will find the balance. Some cynicism, some devil may care. Spend time alone doing things you love. This summer I was at the height of my aloneness. It HURT. I decided to help my friend with her garden and also I started growing plants on my balcony. I became obsessed with those plants LOL with a fervour hitherto reserved for men. I credit those damned flowers with alot! Everyday I was out there checking "have you sprouted yet". I even said "oh I can't go on holiday cos I don't want to leave my plants"! They kept me sane. I think people need a focus. Mine was always "men". But I'm not afraid any more. I used to almost shiver with the fear of being left on the shelf. Now I just care a lot less. Being desperate makes you unhappy. Enjoy your life and you will get the reward. I'm working on me.....and I've got plenty of alone time, well without the influence of a man. I think that's great that you found solace and joy in growing things. I wish you peace and happiness in the future.
BB07 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I could have written this. We must be twins separated at birth. That could be a bad, bad thing........LOL
BB07 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 LOL, yeah, I think there is a giant sisterhood here. I used to have finches. They were my babies. They had babies, too. Shortly before my 40th birthday, I was TOTALLY alone. It occurred to me one day that i had never seen an egg of any kind hatch. On my 40th bday, the exact day, when I checked on my birds, one of the momas hopped off her nest and there was an egg, just starting to crack open. I watched a baby bird hatch for my 40th bday "present." It was very cool. That evening I decided to take myself out to dinner. Parked at the restaurant, opened the car door, and just as I started to step out, there lay a big red ribbon bookmark, right at my feet. In big gold letters it said, "Happy Birthday! God loves you!" I believe we are never truly alone. Oh I loved the story........it gave me goose bumps.
BB07 Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 I know BB will find this to be a majorly cool response to her! In bold, mine was for a year, the first time ever...no kids, nothing. I hated it at first, but then began to enjoy it, bigtime. I have my big giant keepsake to work on (my home that I grew up in that my mom left me), although I needed "life"...mine turned out to be parakeets...well, it is very hard for them to reproduce, especially with someone who knew nothing about them to begin with....BUT, my parakeets had babies...I started with 2 rare white ones and the babies turned out white too...so I have 7 white little parakeets and they kept me sane also. They sing and play. BB, it was horrible to realise that I was really alone in my home, all of the time, but I wasn't paranoid or scared, ever, there was an unusual peace...oh and BTW, you are the sweetie!!!!!! I know what I'm going to say is contradictory, but here goes anyway. I've been divorced for around 15 years, and since that time I've spent a lot of time alone, but yet most of the time I've been in a relationship but they weren't live in relationships. Actually I've had 3 relationships since my divorce but I've lived on my own so it wasn't like living with someone, anyway my point is. I like my alone time, I like not having to play the housewifey role, I like cooking when I want, what I want, and not cooking if I don't want to.......see where I'm going with this? Of course I have my youngest daughter with me and she requires a lot of care due to special needs, but yet taking care of my daughter is not anything like living with a SO. My point.......there are plenty of things I like about being alone, but yet there are things that I miss about having someone special and all that goes with that, but yet it's better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. Is there anyway to win??
camel's toe Posted September 29, 2010 Posted September 29, 2010 (edited) I know BB will find this to be a majorly cool response to her! In bold, mine was for a year, the first time ever...no kids, nothing. I hated it at first, but then began to enjoy it, bigtime. I have my big giant keepsake to work on (my home that I grew up in that my mom left me), although I needed "life"...mine turned out to be parakeets...well, it is very hard for them to reproduce, especially with someone who knew nothing about them to begin with....BUT, my parakeets had babies...I started with 2 rare white ones and the babies turned out white too...so I have 7 white little parakeets and they kept me sane also. They sing and play. BB, it was horrible to realise that I was really alone in my home, all of the time, but I wasn't paranoid or scared, ever, there was an unusual peace...oh and BTW, you are the sweetie!!!!!! Aw parakeets! Bless em. I live in a flat otherwise I would have gone right out and got a dog. I was considering getting a snake but somehow I don't think they are that great company I'm really glad to find that there are other people feeling the same. I have good friends but they are ALL married/attached. My only single female friend is emigrating and my other single friend is gay and all he wants to do is pull loads of men!!! Its all babies babies babies with my female friends and its tough being alone at this time. At the start I would have given anything to be them but now I actually feel grateful that I have freedom. I thought they all had the dream and I had the nightmare but not at all. In fact I know they are in some ways envious of me yet all the while I was doing all the envying. It is weird tho. What happened with me is that, at the end of last year I was talking with my Mum and she was the one to say "look you need to have no-one for a bit, just BE". And its awful at first isn't it? I would sit there and want to cry with feeling so DESPERATE. But now I have noticed a lot of changes in myself, not just with men but with how I am. I've become more assertive, less bothered about small things, miles less defensive and I just keep saying I DONT GIVE A ****. Have you noticed this in yourself too? Edited September 30, 2010 by camel's toe snakes
camel's toe Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 My point.......there are plenty of things I like about being alone, but yet there are things that I miss about having someone special and all that goes with that, but yet it's better to be alone than be in a bad relationship. Is there anyway to win?? I agree, I think there will be a win one day but then I get fed up with WAITING WAITING WAITING. Its like, why do I have to wait ages when other people seem to fall into it with no effort?! I feel like - look I'm eschewing all the bad stuff (or trying to) because I believe that I will win by doing this. What I would like most is to forget that I crave that love thing. I wish I could forget and just be at the point of not even caring. If only there were a sign that the reward (love) would come. Its like trying to have faith but it'd be nice to have a little sign that the reward would come. I wouldn't care if it was in a few years time but not knowing, that is hard. There was a time when I would have taken anyone, any relationship. I'm pleased to have moved on from that!
Dasha Posted September 30, 2010 Posted September 30, 2010 I so wish you all lived in my neighborhood! It would be so nice to have some friends who understand and are going through the same kind of struggles as I do. I go through periods of trying to "fill the hole inside myself" (do not go there, you did NOT go there) that makes me seek out fulfillment from others. Going along with the concept that the neediness can't be filled by anyone else and that until I can be whole in myself, I'll never be happy with or without a romantic partner. I look to self-help books and seek spiritual awareness and even ventured a few steps back toward organized religion for a while there. I teeter on the verge of feeling like I might be getting it... I say I don't need it, I say I've officially given up and will never have another sexual partner, and I mean it. I say I will fill that need for "romance" with fantasy and that will be enough. It's never what it's cracked up to be anyway, right? And then a guy showed some interest and it was just pathetic how quickly I succumbed to it. Fortunately I have been able to get my head together enough to find an outlet (thank you) and stop this before it turns into something really ugly. I have had a couple of affairs and they went pretty well - the new does wear off and Prince Charming turns out to be just a regular guy after all - but this man has young children and just seems careless and kind of a pig. I notice this now but was infatuated with him a couple of months ago. Today I uninstalled my Yahoo IM program so I can't do anymore online chatting with him - or think about it every time I come online. A step in the right direction. It really helps to have someone to talk to!
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