Time to end the relationship?

[disposition]

Ok, well I seriously need some advice from everyone and I just joined the site because I'm so confused. I'll try to be brief.

 

I'm 21 and she is 20, she is also my FIRST girlfriend and I am not her first (she has had several failed relationships before me). We started dating each other about 3 years ago, it started off with just hanging out then eventually we sort of casually moved into a bf/gf relationship. I don't ever remember being truly heads-over-heels in love with her. It just sorta happened, she told me she really liked me I was sort of interested in her: long story short, because of my lack of experience, we became a couple.

 

Fast forward: 3 years and I'm in a band and still with her. Band is looking for a singer, I find one on Craigslist (go figure, haha) and me and her start texting emailing each other about music and stuff. HERE'S WHERE I HAD THE REALIZATION. Talking with this new girl was a total rush that I hadn't felt in such a long time! We weren't even flirting mind you, just chit chat about stuff, she's new in town, etc etc. I loved the feeling of talking to a new girl, even if it isn't flirtatious. But of course, I can't do this regularly because I have a girlfriend. I now realize how much I yearn for my independence, how much I want to meet other women and how much less I feel for my girlfriend. Then, the day comes that me and the band meet this new girl and she is sexy and confident and new and mysterious and fun and exciting! I can't get enough of her, but of course, I haven't texted her much or pursued her because of my respect for my girl.

 

Past year or so me and my girl have started showing signs that the relationship might be growing stale. She comes over a lot and most of the time I don't really want her to...sometimes her company bores me and we each are so easily insulted by every stupid little thing we say. Every little annoying thing she says pisses me off and vice-versa. We hang out like an old married couple, movies or tv, no more dates or dinners. We fight over dumb stuff, constantly bicker over money, I don't wanna discuss our future together and frankly, and this is the hard one to admit ... I haven't really been sexually attracted to her in a long long time. She is by no means ugly, but I often find myself uninterested when I see her body or when she advances. The sexual spark isn't there and sex for me is something I easily pass up with her and when we do have it, its short and lacking passion. Bottom line is: aside from the lack of sexual attraction, we've both become hypercritical of each other and I always wonder what it would be like without having her as my girlfriend.

 

I feel in my heart that it is time to move on. I feel like I have been leading this girl on for too long and I don't see her in my future. It's hard for me though because I know she really cares about me and has been with me for 3 long years of good times and bad times. She has become the closest person I have ever had and it's not easy when I think about calling it quits with her. This will totally blindside her and devastate her. But I can't help yearning for my freedom and not to mention, meeting all types of new women.

 

Thanks for reading this, I appreciate it.

 

BTW, I have not cheated on her with this new band girl or anything. I don't have a secret life, but I do often go out with my buddies to the bars to pretend, haha. However, I mentioned this girl because of the pivotal role she had in shaping how I'm feeling right now by making me realize everything that I've been missing these years.

[Don Ho]

I think you owe it to your GF to talk to her in person like a man, be honest and explain it to her. She may think the same way. I don't think you have to tell her that you're not sexually attracted or anything negative, just that you don't think the two of you get along anymore and maybe it's best for you two to part ways.

[disposition]

Oh I agree, I would never do anything shady like just run off or call it quits at the drop of a hat. We've been together to long for me to do that.

[Don Ho]

You sound like a stand up guy. If you're not that happy, you'll have to tell her.

[disposition]

I've never done anything to really damage our relationship and neither has she. Its just that I don't really think we have any longevity and things are starting to pile up. It breaks my heart though because she basically lives in my town because of ME and she doesn't know too many people. If we separate, I know it will ruin her and she will be extremely lonely and might even have trust issues. I don't wanna betray her so badly...

[boltsfan17]

I think it is best for you two to sit down and talk. You need to share your feelings with her. Of course I would leave out the part that you're not sexually attracted to her anymore or that you want to go out an meet other women.

 

I'm sure she will be hurt, but ending things I don't think is betraying her. Bottom line, you're not happy. It's not fair to you to keep going feeling this way. The only other thing is maybe you two can try new things to try and bring the spark back to the relationship if you're on the fence about calling it quits.

 

For now, sit down and talk, share you feelings, see what she has to say, and go from there.

[bboy]

Think things through, let it sink in for a week what it means to be single. Don't count on the rebound, that might just be a distraction or a catalyst. How would you feel about your GF running away with a guy tomorrow. Indifferent?

 

If you decide to break up:

Sit down, ask first what she feels and ask her about those situations you feel are not comfortable anymore. Let her talk, vent and listen carefully. Once that is done, explain step by step what you feel. Let her interupt with questions and comments. Ask her what the conclusion should be and tell her about yours.

 

Don't give some stupid promises like being friends or talk about the future. Everything is about the present situation. That is what you're dealing with now. None of you knows what the future holds and fortune telling becomes silly.

[lebbis]

Came across this, and I want to share my story because I am going through the exact same thing you are, though you have acted more nobly than me.

 

I am 25 years old, and I am engaged to a girl who have dated for 3.5 years. I can say that overall our relationship has had a positive impact on my life, but yet I sit here prepared to break it off at any moment. For the past 9 months or so, since we got engaged, they negative aspects of our relationship grew. She has become very dependent on me financially, emotionally, socially, you name it. Her maturity level and her expectations in our relationship do not sync up with mine, and this has caused me to love her more like a little sister, daughter even, than a romantic partner. The fact that she moved in with me has pronounced this dynamic even more, and for awhile I have been emotionally, physically, and intellectually disconnected from her. Like you, my sexual attraction to her has dwindled, despite the fact she is very beautiful.

 

My problem was for all this time I never took a critical view of our relationship. I always chalked it up to compromise and the inevitable routine of being in a long term relationship. I never fully articulated exactly what I wanted in a girl, and because I got along with fiancee, laughed with her, and could still have deep conversations with her, I thought that this was good enough.

 

Two weeks ago, while she was visiting her mother downstate for a few weeks, I went to a bar with my friend. I always like to talk to girls, never crossed any lines or had any bad intentions, so this night was no different. The two of us engaged two girls sitting beside us, and before we knew it we were engrossed in a three hour long conversation. I was intrigued with the girl I was talking to. Fast forward to the four of us meeting the following day for college football to me forgetting my sunglasses in her purse, and me asking her to dinner to 'get them back'.

 

We went out to dinner, dinner led to drinks, and drinks led to an all nighter (I didn't sleep with her). I could never remember a time when I had so much fun on a 'date'.

 

After that night, the girl captivated my thoughts. I simply could not stop thinking about her, and it took strong will to play it cool. I met her a few days later to inform her that I was engaged but not happy. She said she was really into me, but I needed to take care of things between my fiancee and me. After that, we saw each other another night, and again had a fantastic time together.

 

My fiancee returned last Thursday. We went out and I started out by telling her I was happy when we had space between us and it would be a good idea if we had some separation. Last night, we got into a conversation, and before I knew it the words, "There's a girl" spilled out of my mouth. It completely devastated her, and we had a 6 hour long conversation about our relationship.

 

I told her everything I was unhappy about in our relationship, and she pleaded with me saying it was unfair of me to suddenly unload these grievances without giving her time to try to 'fix' things. She told me I had to make a decision to try to work out things with her for a bit, to see if we can improve things, or I need to break things off with her if I want to see the new girl. Which is right. I agreed to try to work things out with her to see if she 'fixes' her 'wrongs' in my eyes at the end of our conversation. I also agreed to stop seeing the new girl.

 

The next day the new girl asks me to go out on Wednesday. Still, all my thoughts on females are about is her and how badly I want to go out with her.

 

The point is that you and I both have to do the right thing and break it off. I know exactly how abrupt and surreal the whole thing is because you have been together for so long. Trust me, I'm engaged and I know I have to do it.

 

You know what you have to do, no matter how difficult it will be. Good luck.

[bboy]

Beware of GIGS.

[disposition]

Wow, we really are in a similar situation. Just about everything you listed resonated with my problems. Even down to me almost viewing her as a little sister. All the over dependence socially, emotionally, financially, is wearing on me. I believe i agree that I have to do the right thing and end this before it gets worse and more time is wasted. Don't get me wrong though, deciding to turn your back on the only persin who I feel really understands me is not easy. And I sometimes worry that i wont find anyone as similar in personality to me as she is.

[pandagirl]

Wow, we really are in a similar situation. Just about everything you listed resonated with my problems. Even down to me almost viewing her as a little sister. All the over dependence socially, emotionally, financially, is wearing on me. I believe i agree that I have to do the right thing and end this before it gets worse and more time is wasted. Don't get me wrong though, deciding to turn your back on the only persin who I feel really understands me is not easy. And I sometimes worry that i wont find anyone as similar in personality to me as she is.

 

I know this is hard, and you seems like a really good guy.

 

Maybe you should talk to her about how you're feeling first. Would you be willing to stay with her if she was willing to work on herself?

 

But if it's over in your mind, then it's over.

[BlueRidgeMTs]

And like another poster mentioned; be aware of the Grass Is Greener on the Other side' syndrome. It's one thing if you guys wanted to leave ONLY because you felt the relationship was just not 'there' anymore.

 

But, if a new person is the deciding factor, you should sit down and ask yourself if you would be so quick to leave if this new person were not in your life.

 

And remember, every 'new' person will eventually NOT be new anymore. There is ALWAYS excitement, etc at the beginning of a new relationship. But, that cools down after a while, and folks get all cozy and comfy with each other. So..whats gonna happen when these new girls lose their newness?

[Confused728]

So what do either of you plan on doing once you break up with these girls and they refuse to ever speak to u again. and they are 100 percent gone from your life? How would u feel? What if the grass isnt as green on the other side as you imagine it to be? For now we see through a glass darkly.. then face to face..

[disposition]

So what do either of you plan on doing once you break up with these girls and they refuse to ever speak to u again. and they are 100 percent gone from your life? How would u feel? What if the grass isnt as green on the other side as you imagine it to be? For now we see through a glass darkly.. then face to face..

 

Well, the idea of breaking up is because the relationship isnt going anywhere and we might only be wasting each others time. What you're talking about is part of the risk a person has to take if they (ME) decide that we need to call it quits. Its part of life i guess, nobody is certain if the grass is greener on the other side, but I'll never know unless I make the decision to look. And this is a decision that can't be taken back

[harmfulsweetz]

I agree with the above posters-you seem like a good guy, and you should definitely talk things through with her.

 

I'm 23, I got out of a three year relationship just shy of a year ago, it was tough. I did it for a lot of the same reasons you did- I wanted my independence, I wanted the freedom to go out and pursue and be pursued by other guys, I looked at single women with envy. You know what? The grass ain't greener, and it's so easy to say that, right? It's true though. You always want what you haven't got, never really seeing what you do have. I'm just trying to make you aware here before you do something you may regret.

 

Think long and hard about this, have you felt this way for a while or just since this chick came on the scene? Do you still love your girlfriend? Can the issues in your R be fixed?

 

In my R, we had various factors in our break up, my desire for freedom wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak, but I would say it was a major factor. Do I regret my decision? No, but it's not what I thought it would be. Being single means being alone, one, just you, and this by itself has fairly bad qualities, unless you like your alone time, like me. I do. Your R sounds like my old one-I used to stop wanting to spend time with him, he grated on me, I didn't want him anymore, etc, and there was always someone else more interesting than him. Yet, I gave up the one person that never stopped fighting for me, never stopped loving me, because I chose freedom. Just be aware of what you are losing as well as what you are gaining.

 

Sorry it's so long, but it reminded me of my old posts a year ago.

 

 

Good luck

[pandagirl]

It think the biggest factor here is that you are both young. Very young.

[Confused728]

What do you think of a guy that is 36 and has never been in a stable relationship?

[disposition]

I agree with the above posters-you seem like a good guy, and you should definitely talk things through with her.

 

I'm 23, I got out of a three year relationship just shy of a year ago, it was tough. I did it for a lot of the same reasons you did- I wanted my independence, I wanted the freedom to go out and pursue and be pursued by other guys, I looked at single women with envy. You know what? The grass ain't greener, and it's so easy to say that, right? It's true though. You always want what you haven't got, never really seeing what you do have. I'm just trying to make you aware here before you do something you may regret.

 

Think long and hard about this, have you felt this way for a while or just since this chick came on the scene? Do you still love your girlfriend? Can the issues in your R be fixed?

 

In my R, we had various factors in our break up, my desire for freedom wasn't the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak, but I would say it was a major factor. Do I regret my decision? No, but it's not what I thought it would be. Being single means being alone, one, just you, and this by itself has fairly bad qualities, unless you like your alone time, like me. I do. Your R sounds like my old one-I used to stop wanting to spend time with him, he grated on me, I didn't want him anymore, etc, and there was always someone else more interesting than him. Yet, I gave up the one person that never stopped fighting for me, never stopped loving me, because I chose freedom. Just be aware of what you are losing as well as what you are gaining.

 

Sorry it's so long, but it reminded me of my old posts a year ago.

 

 

Good luck

 

 

I understand where you're coming from, but we've had issues for a while now. Constant bickering over stupid ****, money problems that shouldn't be problems, and just a general disinterest in her problems... makes me feel like an ass. Not to mention the sexual dissatisfaction, that ones become sort of the elephant in the room for me. And trust me, our communication is good and we have gotten through various issues in our past. But it seems like something is constantly coming up and I'm getting tired of trying to mend things because of my growing...boredom I guess.... with her.

 

Bottom line is: I can see why salvaging this would be somewhat admirable. But, is it better to continue this relationship for another 3 years, CONSTANTLY trying to play damage control between us. It just doesn't seem worth it and feels like I'd be trying to force something that probably isn't meant to last...

[disposition]

It think the biggest factor here is that you are both young. Very young.

 

And yes, this is a big factor for me. The fact that we are so young, shes my FIRST GIRLFRIEND and I'm not sure this highschool sweetheart stuff will workout between us. I'm very aware of our age and trust me, it is a huge factor in why I may be thinking its time to nip this in the bud before it drags on any longer.

[harmfulsweetz]

I understand where you're coming from, but we've had issues for a while now. Constant bickering over stupid ****, money problems that shouldn't be problems, and just a general disinterest in her problems... makes me feel like an ass. Not to mention the sexual dissatisfaction, that ones become sort of the elephant in the room for me. And trust me, our communication is good and we have gotten through various issues in our past. But it seems like something is constantly coming up and I'm getting tired of trying to mend things because of my growing...boredom I guess.... with her.

 

Bottom line is: I can see why salvaging this would be somewhat admirable. But, is it better to continue this relationship for another 3 years, CONSTANTLY trying to play damage control between us. It just doesn't seem worth it and feels like I'd be trying to force something that probably isn't meant to last...

 

 

 

I don't believe anyone should stay in an R to make other people happy, so I do think it's best if you feel this way if you end it. In my R, it was pretty much the same way. We'd fight over anything at all, the sex was bad, etc. For a year, I stayed knowing it was over well before then, but trying to tiptoe around the issue, hoping to salvage something that just wasn't there. In the end, I broke up with him in a rather impulsive manner, we were debating something, and I just said it was over. It shocked me how relieved I felt at finally saying the words, but also how I then realized it was exactly what I wanted.

 

 

Staying for the sake of trying to make something work often is throwing good money away with the bad money, sometimes we all think because we're already so invested in relationships we owe it to the time already spent etc to stay, to force it to work. Often, the problems get shoved under the rug, but slowly creep up again later. In my experience, this happens. My ex and I broke up 3 times in our R, once every year for the exact same problems. It's scary to think we never really understood that sometimes it just won't work because the issues we had were incompatibilities. I'll never make the same mistake again.

 

Be honest, and end it as soon as you can.

[disposition]

I don't believe anyone should stay in an R to make other people happy, so I do think it's best if you feel this way if you end it. In my R, it was pretty much the same way. We'd fight over anything at all, the sex was bad, etc. For a year, I stayed knowing it was over well before then, but trying to tiptoe around the issue, hoping to salvage something that just wasn't there. In the end, I broke up with him in a rather impulsive manner, we were debating something, and I just said it was over. It shocked me how relieved I felt at finally saying the words, but also how I then realized it was exactly what I wanted.

 

 

Staying for the sake of trying to make something work often is throwing good money away with the bad money, sometimes we all think because we're already so invested in relationships we owe it to the time already spent etc to stay, to force it to work. Often, the problems get shoved under the rug, but slowly creep up again later. In my experience, this happens. My ex and I broke up 3 times in our R, once every year for the exact same problems. It's scary to think we never really understood that sometimes it just won't work

because the issues we had were incompatibilities. I'll never make the same mistake again.

 

Be honest, and end it as soon as you can.

 

Thanks, you're advice has been really helpful to me.

[Gigz3050]

What do you think of a guy that is 36 and has never been in a stable relationship?

 

My Biological maternal grandfather is in his 60's and has been divorced 4 times. He's manipulative, deceptive, has a temper problem and is abusive. There must be a reason why you are 36 and single. In my experience, it has always been the guy in my relationships that had issues that were bigger than mine. Not saying that is the same case with you. Just thought I'd throw that out there.