Lost interest in s*x

[iwanttolive]

I was about to post my thread when the thread by HowYouDoing caught my eyes. I'm playing the lousy lover role and I'm the one giving my fiance s*x only twice a week and at sundown. Am I happy? No.

 

I feel my interest in being intimate has been killed by some of his putting off behaviour. He used to suddenly appear in front of me, lean back and pull down his trousers and bounce his dick in my eyes. Uuurgghhh... I've told him that and he has stopped it but I still can't erase the image in my mind

 

Also, I hate it that when I wore a tight pyjammas, for fun he would flick my nipple. I can't describe that feeling. I felt like I was sexually assaulted. I really don't know how to react but I felt like hurting myself for being sexually "demeaned"? I talked to him about this and he did not think it's such a big deal although he does that less these days.

 

Also he's getting fatter because he can't stop snacking. He asked me why I don't give him a bj. That's because his sweat and the damp dick was smelly and nauseating!

 

How do I work things out with him? I don't want to just call it quit because I know he's a great guy

[Unsuccessful]

I hope some of the men on this forum will reply.

 

Men...How would you want your fiance to talk to you if your relationship had these issues?

 

A. He is snacking too much and getting fatter.

 

B. His sweat and his damp dick make BJ's smelly and nauseating

 

C. He seems to have no "bedside" manner. Waving his dick in her face & flicking her nipples don't seem very seductive or romantic.

[HowYouDoing]

Since I somewhat inspired you to post, I will respond.

 

I have never acted like that to my wife and if I did, she would have dumped me long ago.

 

Your fiance is being disrespectful. Flicking your nipple, how old is this guy?

 

Anyhow, yes. If i was letting myself go and it was turning my wife off, she should tell me and I would respond with effort.

 

If I wanted BJ and the only thing stopping was the smell and my "maintenance" of course I would want to know.

 

I dont think this is the same as my case, but I can completely understand why you would not want to have sex under those conditions.

[iwanttolive]

Hi HowYouDoing.. No, it wasn't because of you that I posted.. I was about to post when I saw your thread. And I realised that down the page, there are many others facing similar issues in different situations.

 

I'm not good with words and I don't know how to tell him without offending him. I asked him casually when we were on bed "Dear could you look hotter?" He replied "So I'm not good enough for you! You don't love me anymore! Go look for another guy!" Well, I clearly picked up the wrong time to tell him and maybe I wasn't tactful enough. How do I tell him nicely?

[whichwayisup]

How about start with this .. I'm in a giving mood. If you want that BJ, go have a shower first then come join me in bed.

[iwanttolive]

That's just a small part of the problem. I'm having this negative image in my head now that I can't get rid of... There was one morning, I was still half asleep and looking wasted, dragging myself to shower, removed my clothes and peed. I asked him to get me a towel and I held the bathroom door to cover my body. HE FLUNG THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN to annoy me!

 

Can you imagine how agitated I would be when I recalled all the incidents? It's all accummulated and I feel irked to sleep with him

 

He's 29 years old, the same age as me!

[Honorable_Venerable]

I'm not good with words and I don't know how to tell him without offending him. I asked him casually when we were on bed "Dear could you look hotter?" He replied "So I'm not good enough for you! You don't love me anymore! Go look for another guy!" Well, I clearly picked up the wrong time to tell him and maybe I wasn't tactful enough. How do I tell him nicely?

 

How would you prefer him to tell you things like this? There isn't a way (I guess) to tell someone that physically they aren't all you'd prefer, but how would you feel with your approach used on you? "Let's brush our teeth together" might work better than "your breath smells like a camel's fart" for instance.

HE FLUNG THE BATHROOM DOOR OPEN to annoy me!

 

Can you imagine how agitated I would be when I recalled all the incidents? It's all accummulated and I feel irked to sleep with him

 

YOU feel irked and ignore him so HE annoys you to pay you back so YOU get irked and ignore him so HE annoys you to pay you back so... ,

I'm taking a wild guess here, but neither one of you, under threat of death, could remember (truthfully) where this circle started being drawn and by whom. But you BOTH have to decide to stop. If one of you does unilaterally there's too much of a "winner / loser" dynamic created, and that won't help.

[shadowofman]

It just simply seems like you can't deal with his immature version of playfulness. My gf flicks me in the balls all the damn time. I hate it of course.

If my gf ever attempted to hide her naked body behind a door, I'd throw it open like your bf does. I often smack her in the face with my penis. She might not like it. I don't care, cause she flicks me in the balls. It's all in good fun.

 

He seems insensitive. You seem too sensitive. Keep feeling like a victim or decide that he is not a "great guy". One or the other.

[Pleco]

It just simply seems like you can't deal with his immature version of playfulness. My gf flicks me in the balls all the damn time. I hate it of course.

If my gf ever attempted to hide her naked body behind a door, I'd throw it open like your bf does. I often smack her in the face with my penis. She might not like it. I don't care, cause she flicks me in the balls. It's all in good fun.

 

He seems insensitive. You seem too sensitive. Keep feeling like a victim or decide that he is not a "great guy". One or the other.

 

This.

 

My boyfriend and I are the same way. I can't believe how sensitive other people are. He flicks his dick in my face, I smack his balls, he pinches my nipple, I pinch his, and on and on. Then we end up play fighting and falling off the bed, the dog starts barking, the bird screams, and we die out laughing. This is pretty much daily.

 

OP - you are WAY to sensitive about those things. The weight and smell issue, however, is serious. You need to talk to him about this asap.

[jmsclayton]

HI

 

sharing

 

It is hard for a woman to heal from a image that affects her emotionally and relationally. Women relate nonsexually and sexually in sex so-It takes time to heal from the emotions that were generated by the image. Maybe have you tried writing to him and take a day when he is in a good mood and to talk about sex. It is vital that one does?

 

What do you think?

 

JUdith

[aerogurl87]

Umm well if your like this now do you seriously want to marry this guy? I mean my boyfriend pinches my nipples sometimes and even walked into the bathroom and sat down in the freaking corner while I finished peeing. I was caught off guard by it but it won't stop me from wanting to have sex with him.

[luvstarved]

I don't know why people are calling the OP "too sensitive". There is nothing wrong with enjoying having your parts pinched, privacy violated, and just having a jolly good time with that, but there is also nothing wrong with disliking these things, either.

 

Maybe it is a mismatch but I think it is reasonable to ask him to stop things she does not like and reasonable to be annoyed when such simple requests are refused.

 

We all have things that turn us on and turn us off and we are all entitled to them. Unless this guy can't have any sexual joy without pinching nipples and swinging his sweaty parts in her face, then he'd be much better off cutting the crap.

 

Of course, there is such a thing as "too sensitive" but I don't think what the OP is talking about qualifies. I think there are really two issues here. The first is just the fact that certain things turn her off. This just is what it is...the second is the air of disrespect when you tell someone you don't like something and they persistently do it anyway. This makes it even more of a turn off.

 

I don't get why some people can't seem to absorb that we are all different and entitled to reasonable accomodation of those differences. I have gotten this at times, too...saying I don't like something and instead of what I would consider a rational respectful response: " I do not want to do something you dislike and therefore, I will stop doing it because you have asked me to", I get: aw, you are too sensitive, that should not bother you, I am only teasing, or worst of all, being expected to justify why it bothers me ("why don't you like X?", to which I usually respond "why don't you like Y?", c'mon! Really? It's like asking someone "why" they like certain foods, colors, music!!)....whatever. To me, the message then becomes, my behavior is not the issue, the issue is that you "incorrectly" dislike it.

 

I think that OP's husband needs to listen to and respect her, or find someone who enjoys the things he does...

[aerogurl87]

I don't know why people are calling the OP "too sensitive". There is nothing wrong with enjoying having your parts pinched, privacy violated, and just having a jolly good time with that, but there is also nothing wrong with disliking these things, either.

 

Maybe it is a mismatch but I think it is reasonable to ask him to stop things she does not like and reasonable to be annoyed when such simple requests are refused.

 

We all have things that turn us on and turn us off and we are all entitled to them. Unless this guy can't have any sexual joy without pinching nipples and swinging his sweaty parts in her face, then he'd be much better off cutting the crap.

 

Of course, there is such a thing as "too sensitive" but I don't think what the OP is talking about qualifies. I think there are really two issues here. The first is just the fact that certain things turn her off. This just is what it is...the second is the air of disrespect when you tell someone you don't like something and they persistently do it anyway. This makes it even more of a turn off.

 

I don't get why some people can't seem to absorb that we are all different and entitled to reasonable accomodation of those differences. I have gotten this at times, too...saying I don't like something and instead of what I would consider a rational respectful response: " I do not want to do something you dislike and therefore, I will stop doing it because you have asked me to", I get: aw, you are too sensitive, that should not bother you, I am only teasing, or worst of all, being expected to justify why it bothers me ("why don't you like X?", to which I usually respond "why don't you like Y?", c'mon! Really? It's like asking someone "why" they like certain foods, colors, music!!)....whatever. To me, the message then becomes, my behavior is not the issue, the issue is that you "incorrectly" dislike it.

 

I think that OP's husband needs to listen to and respect her, or find someone who enjoys the things he does...

 

Well it's not her husband, it's her fiance. So once again the question arises, if he's this bad now, why would she want to marry him? She doesn't even want to sleep with him as she's repulsed by his behaviour and body, so time isn't going to make things better if he's not going to put in an effort to make them better. And from the sounds of it he won't so maybe she should just leave the relationship now instead of marrying him. I certainly wouldn't want to marry someone who I don't want to have sex with and I wouldn't want my partner marrying me if they didn't want to have sex with me either.

[LittleTiger]

I think that OP's husband needs to listen to and respect her, or find someone who enjoys the things he does...

 

I agree 100% on this.

 

I would find the kind of behaviour described by the OP as juvenile. She's not oversensitive, she just doesn't find it funny, she finds it offensive and a turn off.

 

I wouldn't have an issue with the door thing (unless I had specifically asked for privacy) but I can understand that other people might. We're all different in what we consider acceptable behaviour and it's how the OP feels about what her fiance is doing that's important.

 

iwanttolive, if you feel that you're being sexually assaulted then you are and that is not a good sign for the future of your relationship.

 

If any guy did the other silly stuff to me, it would annoy the h*ll out of me and I'd make that very clear. I'd ask him not to do it and if he carried on I'd probably tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

 

Respect for each other is vital in any relationship. That includes respecting your partner's boundaries and their likes and dislikes.

 

I'm not sure what advice to offer iwanttolive, other than sitting down and having a good talk with your fiance. Make it clear how you feel about his behaviour and ask for a little more respect from him. I'm actually impressed that you have sex with him twice a week - I think I'd struggle to do it at all if I was in your shoes.

 

I know it might be difficult but I think you do need to bring up the subject of his personal hygiene too and request that he starts to look after himself physically -assuming that you're looking after yourself? (No offence intended but you can't ask him to do something you're not doing yourself). 'Letting himself go' is just another way of him being disrespectful in my opinion - unless there is some medical reason why he can't stay in good shape and keep himself clean. If it helps you can say that you're concerned about his health and tell him how hot you used to find him when he was slimmer/fitter.

 

If he isn't prepared to listen or at least meet you half way then he obviously has little respect for your feelings and I would think again about marrying him.

Edited October 1, 2010 by LittleTiger

[ladydesigner]

I agree I do not think the OP is being too sensitive. There is a time and place for everything. I also hate being flicked in the nipple and having a d*ck waving in my face. When my H and I are in the heat of the moment sure these things are okay, but out of the blue. I get super irritated myself. Not only do I get turned off by this behavior, but I find it extremely immature. The part about the smelly and damp penis, that is disgusting. It would take me a while to get over it too. I also hate being groped at all times of the day like I'm some kind of toy. I don't know I don't find this kind of a behavior a turn on at all. I've let my H know about all this crap and he has since stopped and we are having much better sex and sex more often.

[luvstarved]

Oooops, sorry I missed the fiance angle, they sure sounded married!

 

I definitely think that the air should be cleared on these things. I did

not get that she is simply not attracted to him that way, but turned

off by past/present behaviors and wishing he would practice more self-

care.

 

I would not fault him as much for letting himself go if nothing has been

said before about it...but think all the issues need to be put on the

table and yes, negotiated. That always sounds like too business-like a term to apply to love relationships...but ultimately it virtually always needs to happen to gain true intimacy and mutual respect.

 

The formula is so simple to describe and so hard to apply.

 

Person A: I dislike X, can you stop it...

Person B: (thinks) I need to decide if person A is more important than behavior X.

Person B: (says) I can/cannot stop it (but forgive an occasional slip if I say I will stop)

Person A: (if he cannot/will not stop) If he cannot stop, I need to decide if Person B is important enough to tolerate behavior X. If he will not stop, I need to rethink my expectations of care and respect from this person.

 

I think it is fair to have an opinion on whether someone might expect too much based on experience and wisdom...but I do not think it is fair to judge someone's boundaries. My H told me about a friend who was going to get married but that all bets were off if his fiancee did not quit smoking, and said he thought that was rather shallow and unfair. My opinion was that it was perfectly fair. He had a right to have this boundary. His fiancee had a right to reject it, either because she loved smoking more than him or perceived that if he could not accept her as a smoker then he does not love her enough...judging people's boundaries to me is what is unfair. All you can really do is respond to them in the context of your own

boundaries and needs...

[Jack & Coke]

The fact that you bleep out the word "sex" says a lot to me. I don't necessarily think your husband is a pig, you guys just seem mismatched in this regard.