fairytale02 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Does anyone else find themselves in a war with your emotions while trying to deal with their long distance relationship? Of course there are some positives to LDRs, but forgive me while I vent a bit about the negativity I have been feeling. I love my boyfriend deeply. I fell head over heels for him the day I met him over 2 years ago. It was magical that we were in the same place at the same time because it was only temporary for both of us. Although we didn't have much time until school/jobs would start and we would be thousands of miles away, that didn't matter... we fell SO in love. They were the best few months of my life. Then the time came for the distance to begin. It has been hard, so very hard to hold on. Like I said, there has been good times of course and each visit reminds me that what we have has not faded and I am still so in love with him. I think he feels just the same, although there have been some rough patches. But I am just stuck with some very heavy emotions that I cannot seem to shake. As much as I love him, I am in a war with my own mind and heart. I carry a lot of resentment, anger, jealousy and bitterness towards him. He could have ended the distance, and in fact we had plans to do just that, twice now.... and twice now they have been broken. When his contract was up spring 09' he was going to relocate his work to my area. Literally within weeks of him moving to me, a rare opportunity for a temporary job overseas struck and all at once our plans changed. As some of you may know, an overseas LDR is even more challenging.. but I hold on. Just when I think the year overseas is over, spring 10', he tells me he has been offered an extension of his contract for another year. He is thinking of taking it... He takes it. Another year of distance stands in front of us - supposedly the last time. I'm tired, skeptical, and filled with those heavy emotions I mentioned earlier. On top of that, I feel guilty for feeling this negativity. Like, I am suppose to embrace life and taking advantage of opportunities - instead I feel somewhat betrayed. Reverse the story - I would not have taken the job overseas. I was ready to be happy. I feel like we have missed out on so many holidays together, memories, and of course just the general cuddling/holding hands/etc. As much as I understood why he chose to take advantage - I still carry heartbreak. It is almost like something inside of me snapped, and I have never quite healed from it.
Romance Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I feel similar honestly. I am filled with a lot of anger and resentment at times, especially on friday and saturday nights. I do go out and try to be happy on my own, but it's always like something is missing and I am always longing for someone. and sometimes I think how stupid it is to spend so much money and time traveling to a SOs house when most people just drive to theirs in ten minutes anytime they want, and all of us have to fly or drive hundreds of miles to see ours? So unfair. as negative as I sound, I do love my SO and there are also some positives, but I have a VERY hard time being alone.
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Well fairytale I'd carry some resentment myself if I were in that situation. I mean yeah it was good for him to take the opportunity maybe once, but twice and I'd start wondering which was more important: the relationship or his career? Have you talked to him about this any or told him how his decisions made you feel? What's more did he ask for your input on these decisions because if he didn't that could be a minor red flag in your relationship. My boyfriend and I want to be together as soon as we can and I know nothing in this world will stand between us and that goal because we both want it so badly. The only resentment I feel at this point is toward fate. Why it had to put the one guy who is pretty much the epitome of what I've always wanted and needed (whether knowing or unknowingly) in another country I don't understand. I'm pissed about that, but I harbour no bad feelings towards my boyfriend. Granted I get sick of this distance and the fact he's not here, but that's not his fault. It's just how life panned out for us.
pandagirl Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Well fairytale I'd carry some resentment myself if I were in that situation. I mean yeah it was good for him to take the opportunity maybe once, but twice and I'd start wondering which was more important: the relationship or his career? Have you talked to him about this any or told him how his decisions made you feel? What's more did he ask for your input on these decisions because if he didn't that could be a minor red flag in your relationship. It's seems like this is the case. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you -- I'm sure he does -- but perhaps his career is his number one priority right now. If it is, then it is, and it's up to you to decide if you're ok with that or not.
VeveCakes Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 How often do you see each other?? I don't blame you, honestly I think at some point you have to become the priority and it sounds like his job is at the moment.
Author fairytale02 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 (edited) Thanks for your replies. Before he was overseas we were able to see each other on a monthly basis. Now we see each other in clusters, we have been able to spend the last two summers together and after that its once every 3 or 4 months. Adjusting to this change in frequency on top of the "broken" plans has been really challenging. He did ask for my input both of the times the plans changed. However, I pretty much backed myself into a corner because I reacted negatively to the additional distance that the job required and he took this as me not being supportive. My input did not help the situation and is another thing I carry guilt for. I guess it was selfish for me wanting him to choose me over a job - but that is the reality of what I felt... and what I still struggle with feeling. Edited September 28, 2010 by fairytale02
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Before he was overseas we were able to see each other on a monthly basis. Now we see each other in clusters, we have been able to spend the last two summers together and after that its once every 3 or 4 months. Adjusting to this change in frequency on top of the "broken" plans has been really challenging. He did ask for my input both of the times the plans changed. However, I pretty much backed myself into a corner because I reacted negatively to the additional distance that the job required and he took this as me not being supportive. My input did not help the situation and is another thing I carry guilt for. I guess it was selfish for me wanting him to choose me over a job - but that is the reality of what I felt... and what I still struggle with feeling. That was not selfish of you. That was you looking out for your best interests because if you won't do it no one else will do it for you. And what did he expect you to do when he told you he was thinking of taking a job overseas? Jump for joy? Come on, had you told him this he probably would've felt and done the same. I think his career is more important to him than you and the relationship at this point, which is fine for him. But is it fine for you? Remember you gotta look out for yourself like he's looking out for himself and if you're not happy about how things are going and he's not willing to make some adjustments to end the distance as soon as possible, then you're gonna have to do what is best for you.
pandagirl Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 It seems like your boyfriend is fine with the way things are, because he is getting what he wants out of it. I faced a similar problem with my recent ex who I was in a LDR with. He moved initially because of work, our trips were planned around his work schedule, but he was honest with me and told me his career was his number one priority. I respected that, because my career is important to me too, but I didn't realize that he REALLY meant it. I knew I was always important to him and I know he loved me, but his needs and ambitions would always come before the relationship. I'm not saying your boyfriend is a bad guy at all. It's just a matter of the individual and what is important to them at that time in their life. Right now, it's his career. He loves and you and you are important to him, but he probably won't sacrifice his own ambitions to please you. If that is OK with you, then that's cool. But if you find yourself becoming more and more frustrated, espcially if he is unwilling to compromise, then you're going to have to think about it and make a decision.
Els Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Thanks for your replies. Before he was overseas we were able to see each other on a monthly basis. Now we see each other in clusters, we have been able to spend the last two summers together and after that its once every 3 or 4 months. Adjusting to this change in frequency on top of the "broken" plans has been really challenging. He did ask for my input both of the times the plans changed. However, I pretty much backed myself into a corner because I reacted negatively to the additional distance that the job required and he took this as me not being supportive. My input did not help the situation and is another thing I carry guilt for. I guess it was selfish for me wanting him to choose me over a job - but that is the reality of what I felt... and what I still struggle with feeling. I don't understand this part. He asked for your input, the input was negative, and he took this as you not being supportive? What were you supposed to do then, fake a positive input? I truly sympathize with how things are for you. I have told myself many times that if this situation happens to me - ie my guy has a chance to choose to be near me without seriously jeopardizing his career, but instead chooses to be far away because of a 'better' offer... I should leave, because it isn't fair to me. However, it is easy to say things in advance, and not nearly easy enough to do them. Sometimes you feel that despite all this, this person is so special that an LDR with them is better than an ITR with anyone else, and that is what makes us stick to it. Good luck, whichever way you decide.
Author fairytale02 Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Thanks Aero, Panda and Els... I replay the time when he told me about the job offer overseas in my head over and over again, and I come to the same conclusions - he wanted me to be happy for him. Which I was, I thought it was such a rare and amazing opportunity that would surely provide professional and personal growth... but I couldn't help but to focus on the fact that this growth would come at a cost to our relationship. And it has. If he had fulfilled his time there and declined to extend the contract another year, we would have made it... Of course there were many bumps, many long tearful nights and plenty of arguments that I am almost positive were the result of my anger and resentment... but we would have finally moved in together this past spring and I could have put it behind me. But now that I must go through this again, the anger and resentment continue to build inside of me. Also, not all of the resentment is toward him, some of it is just toward the situation in itself because he really is an amazing guy who has always treated me so good, and the rest of the resentment is with my own self. Am I needy? Am I selfish? You girls have made me feel a little better of course so thank you I think that most people in an LDR want to believe that given the opportunity, our SO would end the distance as soon as possible. The shock wave that goes through you when they choose otherwise can really mess with your faith and trust in the relationship. You are so in love with someone and you have spent so much time dreaming about the day the distance would end that it hinders your view of the big picture. You want to be supportive and encourage your SO to truly reach their potential but I will tell you from first hand experience that it is VERY difficult to battle your desire to be near them and your desire for their growth. You are right Els, we all think about what we would or should do - and I felt the same way as you - that if he was to take the job that I would leave the relationship. I have told myself this both times around, yet I still find myself holding on. It has been one hell of a rollercoaster.
Els Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I guess it's just a different way of seeing things. If he were coming home and you suddenly had an amazing opportunity overseas, don't you think he would encourage you to go? Probably because distance isn't as hard on him as it is on you, and to him opportunities for personal growth and advancement shouldn't be passed up.
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Elswyth that's an interesting question, would he encourage her to go overseas if she got a great opportunity there? If the answer is yes, then yes he may just be able to handle the distance better. But if it's no, which it probably is, then she has some things to think about I think. Honestly as much as I love my boyfriend if that were to happen with us, I'd end things. I'm a much more patient person now, but I refuse to be put on the backburner for someone's career. Maybe I'm more selfish in that way, but if I'm in a serious relationship then I'm number one to my partner as he is to me.
pandagirl Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Elswyth that's an interesting question, would he encourage her to go overseas if she got a great opportunity there? If the answer is yes, then yes he may just be able to handle the distance better. But if it's no, which it probably is, then she has some things to think about I think. Honestly as much as I love my boyfriend if that were to happen with us, I'd end things. I'm a much more patient person now, but I refuse to be put on the backburner for someone's career. Maybe I'm more selfish in that way, but if I'm in a serious relationship then I'm number one to my partner as he is to me. My boyfriend definitely would have and did encourage me to do whatever I wanted. He always told me that it was important to do what made me happy, and that he would never stop me. And yes, he was the one who dealt with the distance a lot better. I got tired of not feeling like a priority, etc.
aerogurl87 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 My boyfriend definitely would have and did encourage me to do whatever I wanted. He always told me that it was important to do what made me happy, and that he would never stop me. And yes, he was the one who dealt with the distance a lot better. I got tired of not feeling like a priority, etc. I understand how you feel. I would feel the same way if put in that position.
pandagirl Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I understand how you feel. I would feel the same way if put in that position. If it was just sometimes, it'd be fine, but it became obviously that his needs were more important than mine. And that's why we're not together anymore!
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