cucumbernub Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 So the story goes like this.. My ex girlfriend and I were together for over a year when in July she suddenly wanted a break with me, saying that she felt confused and that she couldn't love me as much as I loved her. Basically she also took me for granted. I found out that one of our mutual friends had been trying to hit on her and throughout the break, I had to give her the space she wanted yet this guy was constantly by her side. Eventually, I couldn't take it so I just told her I wanted everything to end. We have been NC from late July with a few text messages here and there, mostly of me trying to get closure and her refusing. Before we went NC, I told her to tell me if she is dating anyone but I found out in mid August that she got together with the guy, but it was something I suspected all along so it didn't really come as a shock. Just today, she suddenly texted me saying she really wanted to talk to me. At first I was reluctant to, but I just felt like I wanted to hear what she had to say. She then called me and was stuttering and stammering a lot. Eventually she told me about that she was seeing him, to which I replied I had already known about it a month ago. She said that it took her a long time to come up with the courage to tell me and also to reflect on what happened. Basically, she treated me quite badly during our 'break' and at the first sign of trouble in our relationship (things got a bit stale, mostly because I was having final exams for medical school and she was out having fun with friends, the guy being one of them), she jumped ship. At that time, I tried to get her to change her mind and work on our relationship but she steadfastly refused to do it. I had told her that her way of dealing with things were not very mature as she expected sparks to be in a relationship at all times. She retorted to my remark about her being immature, and now, she's telling me that her way of handling things then was not mature at all! Basically she told me she was sorry for what she did, and that she did not know why she made the decisions she did then but that she knew she was at fault for everything during the 'break'/break up. But she said that she made a decision then so she has to stick with it. The whole time, I could hear her crying and choking on tears. It ended with me telling her that I don't hate her (she didn't ask but I volunteered the information) because it was truly how I felt. Anger and disappointment, yes. But not hatred. She kept on reiterating that the relationship was real to her and she really wanted to build our dreams together but towards the end she lost that determination and felt that because she couldn't reciprocate my love, there was a flaw in our relationship and she decided to start anew because she couldn't bear to be in an imperfect relationship. She also said that her friends and family were disappointed with what she did, and it seemed to me like she felt she had made a mistake and didn't seem really happy, although I never explicitly asked her that. Having her tell me this made me a bit confused, because yes, despite her immaturity and naivety, I still loved her and was prepared to be commited to her. I was according to her, the perfect boyfriend, just not for her. I never wronged her in any way and had always given her 100% despite me being bogged down with studies. It seemed that her call was sincere but also to justify her actions in a way. We never mentioned reconcilation, but she got the impression that I have moved on, although I wouldn't say that I have moved on 100%. I just don't know why she would suddenly want to call me, but I presume it was to check up on me in a way, although she was more concerned about talking about the relationship than to ask how I was.
ohno89 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) Having her tell me this made me a bit confused, because yes, despite her immaturity and naivety, I still loved her and was prepared to be commited to her. I was according to her, the perfect boyfriend, just not for her. I never wronged her in any way and had always given her 100% despite me being bogged down with studies. It seemed that her call was sincere but also to justify her actions in a way. We never mentioned reconcilation, but she got the impression that I have moved on, although I wouldn't say that I have moved on 100%. I just don't know why she would suddenly want to call me, but I presume it was to check up on me in a way, although she was more concerned about talking about the relationship than to ask how I was. Cucumbernub - I'm sorry for what happened to you, I was in a very similar situation to you so it's hurts but at least I can relate. My ex also suddenly called a break after nothing (but a break that only he was allowed to treat as a break!) and I don't know if it was because of the girl he was spending time with in that time and then cheated on me with (and is now with), or if she happened to be in the right place, at the right time and could offer him things that I couldn't as well as a nice little rebound, but either way, it happened and he tried to make me out to be the bad person the whole time. You seem in a very good place considring your circumstances and you have a very healthy approach towards her - although of course, it's completely normal if you hated her at first! Personally in my opinion - and sorry if this isn't what you wanna hear - but her calling you up was probably a completely selfish act; she wanted to try and alleviate her guilt, explain why she did what she did and gain closure for herself, which is unfair considering you were the one who needed closure more and she refused to give it to you in the begining. However, what's done is done and if that has made you feel better and gain a little closure, then so be it. I would love to say that - despite the amount of times I wished my ex would apologise and say he made a mistake - I would love to never give him that closure if he really needed it, but that's me being petty and tbh, like with you, I'd probably find it difficult to not hear him out, you'd always wonder what they had to say... so, what's done is done. People make mistakes, do things that can't take back but I hope you come out stronger from this, having learnt lessons that you literally couldn't have paid for! You've had time to mourn, dwell, learn....she jumped straight into another relationship and now, like she said, feels she "has to stick to it." Her decision clearly still makes her emotional in some ways so take that as you will. I hope you're doing okay... Edited September 27, 2010 by ohno89
Author cucumbernub Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Thanks ohno89. I suppose talking to her has given me a bit of closure, and she basically admitted her stupid and hasty mistake. We ended on a semi-friendly note. The fact is that she's still with the guy, so I'm keeping NC all the way.
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