My wife is a lousy lover and is fine with it

[HowYouDoing]

So, I guess I shouldnt complain eh, she gives up sex 2 times a week, sometimes 3 if I get her drunk first.

 

But frankly, she has no passion, has no understanding of how to be sexy and really doesnt care to improve or do anything about it. her favourite saying is "thats not me." Like by saying that it absolves her of any responsibility to improve or even understand why.

 

Its almost like she wont let her guard down so that she can say to herself she is in control!

 

- Oral sex is a rare thing, giving and or getting.

- Touching her breasts or lady parts are by invitation only.

- She likes her vibe, so she climbs on top, closes her eyes and gets off on me while I lie there. Sounds hot, and she looks damn sexy, but its pretty boring now for me and makes me feel like its the only thing she needs for sex, the rest is an interuption on the road to her manual orgasm.

- She doesnt mind most positions, but whatever position we do is based on how she feels that night.

- Oh ya, no sex other then with lights off and sun down. Too bad if I wake up horny on a Saturday morning.

- Never mind sex, I rarely even get a cuddle. Sure, she likes it if I give her a foot massage, but dont get in her space! When I do get close to her, its not because she enjoyed it, its because she is biting her tongue and letting me close. I hate that! I want someone who wants to be touched and wants to touch back.

- The other day, we were doing some yard work and both of us ended up in the basement to get some tools. Kids were not around, I moved in to make out with her, and all I got was a peck. When I tried to do more (some tongue), I could feel her pulling away as if to say, back off I want to do yard work. Yard work over making out with her husband for a minute? She made me feel like a loser with that gesture.

- She works in the school system. Today her school is closed so she has the day off, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a day time date. Nope, she has plans to go volunteer at the kids school. All day. Give me a break, she works in a school all day, our kids dont want her there and yet thats what she prefers to do with her day off? That screams avoidance to me, yet when I mention it she tells me I should care more about the kids. Why couldnt she spend half the day at the school and use the other couple hours to go for a walk with me or for sushi. Nope, I am too needy I guess.

 

Sex to me isnt just about putting it in and out until its over. I like the build up of sexual tension over a period of time. I like the subtle and not so subtle sexual overtures. But if I use a sexual connotation, she either ignores me or tells me stop acting like a 15 year old.

 

I have told her that I am not a machine that you can just say, UP and I am ready to go. I hate TV! But there I have to sit and watch some mindless show until 10pm when she says its ok to have sex. I hate myself on those nights, I just want to say not tonight honey, but then she makes it an issue like I have done something wrong cuz I am not in the mood. Its all too much for her at that stage, like I am the one putting pressure on her to be who she isnt. Thats her best line, make me guilty for expressing my desires instead of looking in the mirror and doing her part.

 

Hey, Im not as young as I used to be. It takes me a good 45 minutes to get hard again because she doesnt know how to overcome this with her own skills. She has not imagination or effort to use that period for more play. Once I am off, sex is over. Now as a man, I can tell you that its easy to lose interest as well once the orgasm passes, I wish she would take some initative to keep the sex going until I am hard again. I cant remember the last time in 15 years that I had 2 orgasms in one night. I know I can, when I take care of my own business, I can cum 3 or 4 times in an hour. She doesnt care to do the work required, cuz frankly its work and not sexy for her!

 

I can be gone for a week on business and when I get home, I get a peck. If its not a Friday night, I dont count on sex.

 

When I say she is a lousy lover, I blame myself for not being able to induce those feelings from her.

 

She flirts, alot. Just not with me. My friends (and hers) think she is a dynamo. She looks hot, dresses hot and acts hot, but just not when she is alone with me.

 

So how can I feel its her, when it must be me?

 

Well to be fair, she has tried to send me "lover" texts, but they are so juvenile. Something you would expect from a shy inexperienced young girl, lacking in imagination. Funny though, the type of texts that would interest me she would classify as from a 15 year old.

 

Example of type of text I might get from her:

- I <3 U ...!

(comment, its not that I dont appreciate her telling she loves me, but ...)

Example of type of text I would like to get from her:

- I have been thinking of you all day and I am so wet, cant wait for you to get home!

 

I just feel empty, no passion. She loves me like a partner who is the father of her children, but not a lover.

 

I think she takes me for granted and when I tell her about some issues, she just tells me to get over it, that she is who she is and I should accept her.

 

Its true, but I dont know what to do about it.

 

This isnt a sexless marriage, but Im bored because there is no passion. There is no desire, just mechanics.

 

I keep myself in decent shape (no six pack, but I am not overweight), I am stylish, mind my grooming, I am an involved father and am in no way abusive and I just wish my desires weren't dismissed as juvenile and immature or worse, discounted as "you ask too much".

 

I make romantic gestures on a consistent basis, not because they are expected but because I enjoy expressing my love and I want to do my part in keeping the fire alive.

 

However the more I do and the less I get back, I do get resentful.

 

Examples of romantic gestures:

- I get her tea all ready for when she wakes up and I leave a little love note saying good morning.

- I took her away for a weekend of shopping of dancing.

- I went to an arts store and bought a bunch of girly scrapbooking stuff and 5 or 6 times a month I will make something to slip into her lunch, leave on her drivers seat or hide in her wallet so she gets a nice love surprise when she least expects it.

- I have come home during the day and prepared a lunch for her so that when she gets home, she has more time to relax on her break.

 

Do I deserve a medal or a parade?

 

Of course note, these are things you do for the lady who you love. But I feel like a chump for continuing to provide her the lifestyle she wants when she cant be bothered to do it in return.

 

If she told anyone I was a lousy lover, I would be so ashamed and would put 100% of my energy into understanding what it takes to be a good lover in her bed. If I were to tell her that, she would cut me off from the bed all together and tell me that since she is lousy, I wont miss it.

 

Is life perfect for anyone? Of course not, so I feel so petty about it and at the same time I am getting more and more depressed about this because I guess its the core of my self esteem. This lady knows me like no one else and if cant rev up her motor, maybe its not her fault.

 

Some days I want a divorce just so I can find the lover I think is out there and other days I think thats crazy, my wife is an awesome partner and I may find a better lover, but they will have a different set of faults, so am I better off?

 

I dont know if this is a rant or asking for advice or simply a pity party. But I just dont know where to turn.

 

Anyone have a comment if you read this far?

 

EDIT:just wanted to add that yes we have talked about a number of these issues and other then "thats not me or I am who I am" she says if it were up to her, she would have sex once a month, so the fact she has it 2 or 3 times a month IS her compromise. Is she naive or am I just not appreciating the effort this takes?

Edited September 27, 2010 by HowYouDoing

[Feelin Frisky]

FWIW, you have my sympathies. This usually never gets better. So, if you're gonna make a move it is better to do it sooner than later.

[aerogurl87]

I feel for you because honestly you sound like an excellent husband. Of course I don't have all the facts but from what you mentioned you sound great. Now as for your wife, the fact that you said she gives you sex 2 times a week is not a good sign. Sex should be something you do with your partner, not something they give you. Does she have any health issues or past issues with intimacy due to any trauma? Also was she like this when you first started dating or first got married?

[HowYouDoing]

Im sure I am not perfect, I am a human.

 

When my wife was 14, she had a bad experience with the male of a kid she was babysitting. I dont want to discount that it was traumatic, but I think she uses it as a crutch at times. That said, I am sure it has had an effect and I think thats where the control issues come from.

 

If she denies me certain aspects of her sexuality, she is in control and it fills the void of when she wasnt in control as a young lady. But I am not doctor and she has had therapy for this when she was much younger.

 

Yes, she gives me sex, I worded it like that on purpose.

 

She has always been like this and so for that I shouldnt be upset because its not like she bait and switched me.

 

Like I said, dont know what I was looking for with this post, advice? Pity? just get it off my chest? Dunno.

 

Part of me wants to show her this post and let her post her side of the story, but I am afraid it will make things worse, not better.

 

Other then sex, she is a great person and this is why I am so torn up. If she was a bitch in heals, I could easily make a decision on this. She isnt cold like in the sense that the kids live in a loving house and I dont want them to lose that. But I just need more and she is pretty clear she doesnt have more to give.

 

 

 

 

I feel for you because honestly you sound like an excellent husband. Of course I don't have all the facts but from what you mentioned you sound great. Now as for your wife, the fact that you said she gives you sex 2 times a week is not a good sign. Sex should be something you do with your partner, not something they give you. Does she have any health issues or past issues with intimacy due to any trauma? Also was she like this when you first started dating or first got married?

[mark982]

how you doing, damn i can relate about the texts. mine sends naked pics saying she can't wait till i get home. then a hour later texts saying she's going to bed.

[HowYouDoing]

how you doing, damn i can relate about the texts. mine sends naked pics saying she can't wait till i get home. then a hour later texts saying she's going to bed.

 

sounds like a tease ... my wife doesnt send naked pics ... her pics are far more juvenile, if anything at all.

 

would i like her to be vulgar? of course, I have a very dirty mind. but i do respect that she isnt that, however I would like her to make an effort to be more sexually oriented.

 

when i tell her that, i get the classic "thats not me".

 

i should stop doing romantic things for her and when she asks why, i will just says "thats not really me". of course, that will be turned around on me somehow.

 

I guess I am just feeling crappy today because I am home alone and she could have spend the day with me and decided spending time at school on her day off was better for her, sorry for the pity party.

 

I really want to turn off my romance and effort but in the end, what purpose will that serve? it wont make her have more sex with me and it wont make me feel better. i enjoy expressing my love and desire, but the more i do it, the more I resent it is not being returned in a manner that fulfills me. She thinks she is doing her part by giving me sex more than 1x per month and I should be happy with that and stop expecting her to be who she isnt.

 

Hard to argue with the bolded part, so it just pisses me off more.

[quankanne]

several times you've used the word "juvenile," and I wonder if that event from her babysitting days was traumatic to a point where she was emotionally frozen at that age? And can't proceed to mature sexually in an emotional or psychological way because of it? Maybe this is something y'all need to contact a counselor over to get you to a point were you can dialogue (physically and verbally and emotionally) on a compatible level. Because honestly, unless there is a professional stepping in to help guide the way, I don't see things changing for you.

 

also, for your own edification, read the "Five Love Languages" book – fantastic stuff, as it teaches you how to identify the way you communicate your love, and how others communicate theirs. Really opened my eyes to the differences between me and my husband, and makes it easier not to go into a sulk or get angry because he's not "showing" that he loves me in a way I can easily identify.

[ladydesigner]

So, I guess I shouldnt complain eh, she gives up sex 2 times a week, sometimes 3 if I get her drunk first.

 

But frankly, she has no passion, has no understanding of how to be sexy and really doesnt care to improve or do anything about it. her favourite saying is "thats not me." Like by saying that it absolves her of any responsibility to improve or even understand why.

 

Its almost like she wont let her guard down so that she can say to herself she is in control!

 

- Oral sex is a rare thing, giving and or getting.

- Touching her breasts or lady parts are by invitation only.

- She likes her vibe, so she climbs on top, closes her eyes and gets off on me while I lie there. Sounds hot, and she looks damn sexy, but its pretty boring now for me and makes me feel like its the only thing she needs for sex, the rest is an interuption on the road to her manual orgasm.

- She doesnt mind most positions, but whatever position we do is based on how she feels that night.

- Oh ya, no sex other then with lights off and sun down. Too bad if I wake up horny on a Saturday morning.

- Never mind sex, I rarely even get a cuddle. Sure, she likes it if I give her a foot massage, but dont get in her space! When I do get close to her, its not because she enjoyed it, its because she is biting her tongue and letting me close. I hate that! I want someone who wants to be touched and wants to touch back.

- The other day, we were doing some yard work and both of us ended up in the basement to get some tools. Kids were not around, I moved in to make out with her, and all I got was a peck. When I tried to do more (some tongue), I could feel her pulling away as if to say, back off I want to do yard work. Yard work over making out with her husband for a minute? She made me feel like a loser with that gesture.

- She works in the school system. Today her school is closed so she has the day off, so I asked her if she wanted to go for a day time date. Nope, she has plans to go volunteer at the kids school. All day. Give me a break, she works in a school all day, our kids dont want her there and yet thats what she prefers to do with her day off? That screams avoidance to me, yet when I mention it she tells me I should care more about the kids. Why couldnt she spend half the day at the school and use the other couple hours to go for a walk with me or for sushi. Nope, I am too needy I guess.

 

Sex to me isnt just about putting it in and out until its over. I like the build up of sexual tension over a period of time. I like the subtle and not so subtle sexual overtures. But if I use a sexual connotation, she either ignores me or tells me stop acting like a 15 year old.

 

I have told her that I am not a machine that you can just say, UP and I am ready to go. I hate TV! But there I have to sit and watch some mindless show until 10pm when she says its ok to have sex. I hate myself on those nights, I just want to say not tonight honey, but then she makes it an issue like I have done something wrong cuz I am not in the mood. Its all too much for her at that stage, like I am the one putting pressure on her to be who she isnt. Thats her best line, make me guilty for expressing my desires instead of looking in the mirror and doing her part.

 

Hey, Im not as young as I used to be. It takes me a good 45 minutes to get hard again because she doesnt know how to overcome this with her own skills. She has not imagination or effort to use that period for more play. Once I am off, sex is over. Now as a man, I can tell you that its easy to lose interest as well once the orgasm passes, I wish she would take some initative to keep the sex going until I am hard again. I cant remember the last time in 15 years that I had 2 orgasms in one night. I know I can, when I take care of my own business, I can cum 3 or 4 times in an hour. She doesnt care to do the work required, cuz frankly its work and not sexy for her!

 

I can be gone for a week on business and when I get home, I get a peck. If its not a Friday night, I dont count on sex.

 

When I say she is a lousy lover, I blame myself for not being able to induce those feelings from her.

 

She flirts, alot. Just not with me. My friends (and hers) think she is a dynamo. She looks hot, dresses hot and acts hot, but just not when she is alone with me.

 

So how can I feel its her, when it must be me?

 

Well to be fair, she has tried to send me "lover" texts, but they are so juvenile. Something you would expect from a shy inexperienced young girl, lacking in imagination. Funny though, the type of texts that would interest me she would classify as from a 15 year old.

 

Example of type of text I might get from her:

- I <3 U ...!

(comment, its not that I dont appreciate her telling she loves me, but ...)

Example of type of text I would like to get from her:

- I have been thinking of you all day and I am so wet, cant wait for you to get home!

 

I just feel empty, no passion. She loves me like a partner who is the father of her children, but not a lover.

 

I think she takes me for granted and when I tell her about some issues, she just tells me to get over it, that she is who she is and I should accept her.

 

Its true, but I dont know what to do about it.

 

This isnt a sexless marriage, but Im bored because there is no passion. There is no desire, just mechanics.

 

I keep myself in decent shape (no six pack, but I am not overweight), I am stylish, mind my grooming, I am an involved father and am in no way abusive and I just wish my desires weren't dismissed as juvenile and immature or worse, discounted as "you ask too much".

 

I make romantic gestures on a consistent basis, not because they are expected but because I enjoy expressing my love and I want to do my part in keeping the fire alive.

 

However the more I do and the less I get back, I do get resentful.

 

Examples of romantic gestures:

- I get her tea all ready for when she wakes up and I leave a little love note saying good morning.

- I took her away for a weekend of shopping of dancing.

- I went to an arts store and bought a bunch of girly scrapbooking stuff and 5 or 6 times a month I will make something to slip into her lunch, leave on her drivers seat or hide in her wallet so she gets a nice love surprise when she least expects it.

- I have come home during the day and prepared a lunch for her so that when she gets home, she has more time to relax on her break.

 

Do I deserve a medal or a parade?

 

Of course note, these are things you do for the lady who you love. But I feel like a chump for continuing to provide her the lifestyle she wants when she cant be bothered to do it in return.

 

If she told anyone I was a lousy lover, I would be so ashamed and would put 100% of my energy into understanding what it takes to be a good lover in her bed. If I were to tell her that, she would cut me off from the bed all together and tell me that since she is lousy, I wont miss it.

 

Is life perfect for anyone? Of course not, so I feel so petty about it and at the same time I am getting more and more depressed about this because I guess its the core of my self esteem. This lady knows me like no one else and if cant rev up her motor, maybe its not her fault.

 

Some days I want a divorce just so I can find the lover I think is out there and other days I think thats crazy, my wife is an awesome partner and I may find a better lover, but they will have a different set of faults, so am I better off?

 

I dont know if this is a rant or asking for advice or simply a pity party. But I just dont know where to turn.

 

Anyone have a comment if you read this far?

 

EDIT:just wanted to add that yes we have talked about a number of these issues and other then "thats not me or I am who I am" she says if it were up to her, she would have sex once a month, so the fact she has it 2 or 3 times a month IS her compromise. Is she naive or am I just not appreciating the effort this takes?

 

 

I'm not sure if this happens to a lot of marriages. I know it happened in mine and you sound a lot like my H pre-affair (his). Things have gotten a little better between us, but during those times the more pressure my H would put on me as far as having frequent sex the more turned off I was and then turned into a vicious cycle. I attributed much of my lack of desire for my H was that he was not helping me out enough with the kids and a lot of other life changing events that put pressure on our marriage. Since his A our sex life has improved, but I only desire it 2-3x per week and if I am not intoxicated I cannot go longer than 1 hour at a time. My H is exhausting in what he expects and when I talk to other women about it they agree.

 

Some of it could be upbringing too, neither I nor my H saw parents that were romantic and showing lots of affection towards one another. I think this is one of my major reasons why I am not a romantic, neither is my H.

 

Currently we have become more intimate and more romantic, but it has taken some time and lots of rebuilding, especially after affairs.

 

I hope you can find your way through this as well as your wife, and avoid having any affairs.

[HowYouDoing]

Thanks ... and I guess this touches on a point. I dont want it to be exhausting!

 

Thats my frustration, I just want her to be naturally attracted to me. She takes me for granted because she knows deep down I am loyal and she has me locked up.

 

I hear you about the pressure and I dont verbally put pressure on her, but I know she feels it even if I dont say anything. It is a cycle cuz I dont want her to feel pressured, I just want her to love me in a way that makes me happy.

 

Someone else posted about the Languages of Love and I know how she recieves and gives love and I make huge efforts to communicate through those channels. Great, that works for her. She doesnt question my love or passion for her.

 

Why should it be a one way street though?

 

When I suggest she understand and make an effort to identify the way I communicate love, its just pressure on her.

 

Should I let myself go cuz I dont care? Of course not, I keep myself in shape. Should I stop being romantic because its too much pressure to keep things fresh? Of course not, the pressure is what keeps it exciting.

 

But put pressure on her and its all a cycle. How else can I tell her what I need without her using that crutch?

 

I believe everyone in life makes choices about whats important to them. To me, this just seems like she is making a choice that romance, passion and sex isnt important.

 

I guess this post is just me coming to terms with it?

 

I'm not sure if this happens to a lot of marriages. I know it happened in mine and you sound a lot like my H pre-affair (his). Things have gotten a little better between us, but during those times the more pressure my H would put on me as far as having frequent sex the more turned off I was and then turned into a vicious cycle. I attributed much of my lack of desire for my H was that he was not helping me out enough with the kids and a lot of other life changing events that put pressure on our marriage. Since his A our sex life has improved, but I only desire it 2-3x per week and if I am not intoxicated I cannot go longer than 1 hour at a time. My H is exhausting in what he expects and when I talk to other women about it they agree.

 

Some of it could be upbringing too, neither I nor my H saw parents that were romantic and showing lots of affection towards one another. I think this is one of my major reasons why I am not a romantic, neither is my H.

 

Currently we have become more intimate and more romantic, but it has taken some time and lots of rebuilding, especially after affairs.

 

I hope you can find your way through this as well as your wife, and avoid having any affairs.

[Stung]

Was she like this before you married her, and in your honeymoon phase? Or has she lapsed over the years?

[SpillinItAll]

perhaps she feels like when you try to cuddle it is only a ploy to get sex from her. She may have been effected negatively by the pressure you have put on her and think all of those things you do are a means to get sex from her. I happen to think the texts she is sending you are sweet and the ones you prefer from her are juvenile IMHO.

Try laying off of the pressure for a while and attempt cuddling and other things like that without even trying to have sex. Let her know that you haven't changed into some sex crazed man. That you still like the sweet innocent stuff too. This isn't something that will be resolved overnight, you have to go slow with this.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You women always stick together...... As for the OP, I really do not know what to say.... You are right and then too you are wrong...... But the fact is a woman has the prerogative to say what she wants or do what she wants, because it just is.... Now of course you can read mem11363 and see how he handled the situation and if you have the balls, you are a bigger man then me.... The difference was mam11363 for all his bluster knew deep down how his wife would respond, which is much different from how mine would (my clothes would be in the garden with the suitcase beside them:laugh::mad:)....

 

Now if a man is a bad lover..... may as well have a scarlet letter on his forehead......

[Tayla]

Sorry toodamnprag- Let me introduce myself- female, and active in life. And no I do not stick together on gender issues but roll to the realistic and reasonable. So get over your overgeneralization and desire to place ALL women in one lump thought process. Females and males are as unique as we are similiar.

 

To the OP- Start from the present day and move forward. You sound like you are frustrated with the one way street and rightly so. I personally do not get the withholding of true love actions ....Some ladies though are surpressed in that means and they tend to use past issues to explain away wonderful opportunities to improve or lighten up on things. Her problem needn't be yours, Have you suggested counseling to get to the intimate level that is complimentary to you both? There is nothing wrong with getting a clear perspective from a third party ....

[FanFan]

- Touching her breasts or lady parts are by invitation only.

 

She's YOUR wife. Just take what's yours when you want. Grab it, touch, kiss it WHENEVER you want. What's she going to do? Call the cop? Tell her parents?

Edited September 28, 2010 by FanFan

[Stung]

She's YOUR wife. Just take what's your when you want. Grab it, touch, kiss it WHENEVER you want. What's she going to do? Call the cop? Tell her parents?

 

Seriously? Yes, she's his wife, but he doesn't own her. Her body is her own.

 

OP, in addition to my earlier questions--have you and your wife ever been in marriage counseling?

[xxoo]

So, I guess I shouldnt complain eh, she gives up sex 2 times a week, sometimes 3 if I get her drunk first.

 

EDIT:just wanted to add that yes we have talked about a number of these issues and other then "thats not me or I am who I am" she says if it were up to her, she would have sex once a month, so the fact she has it 2 or 3 times a month IS her compromise. Is she naive or am I just not appreciating the effort this takes?

 

There is an important typo somewhere....is it 2-3 times a week, or a month? Big difference!

 

 

- Never mind sex, I rarely even get a cuddle. Sure, she likes it if I give her a foot massage, but dont get in her space! When I do get close to her, its not because she enjoyed it, its because she is biting her tongue and letting me close. I hate that! I want someone who wants to be touched and wants to touch back.

 

I think this speaks to the deeper issue. She isn't feeling close/connected to you for some reason, so she is avoiding intimate touch. She is having sex with you, but not connecting with you. Figure out why the distance (or the desire for distance), and work to restore the intimate feelings (restore or create? did she formerly display more desire for intimacy and touch?). She has walls up, and the sex is just a symptom of those walls. Marriage counseling would probably be the fastest route to finding out why the walls are there, and how to break them down.

 

Of course note, these are things you do for the lady who you love. But I feel like a chump for continuing to provide her the lifestyle she wants when she cant be bothered to do it in return.

 

If she is saying yes to sex 2-3 times a week (not a month), then she IS doing something significant to show her love for you. It may not be exactly how you want it, but it is a significant effort, nonetheless. Don't forget to recognize and be grateful for what she does offer, even while working toward a more intimate sex life.

[FanFan]

The original poster thinks the word "month" is the same as the word "week."

Edited September 28, 2010 by FanFan

[Amira4210]

To the OP, wow, I was reading this and thinking "OMG that sounds just like me." Especially when it comes to personal space and cuddling and all that stuff, and my guy touching me certain places, I get annoyed actually. The times I act like this with my bf its bc I am either really stressed or have many other things on my mind. Many times it was a the begining and I didn't think I liked him that much. He, like u, is a good man, does romantic things for me and expresses his love all the time, however, that doesn't matter much (in putting me in the mood) bc Im just not the romantic type (and the love notes next to my tea and in my car 5 or 6 times a month would actually be a huge turnoff to me. Sorry, she sounds a lot like me, so Im trying to help you out bc i can relate to her). Is your wife a romantic? Just bc you hear that women want to be dinned and wined and spoiled and showered with flowers and massages doesn't mean thats what your wife wants. This might sound "juvenile" but honeslty, when my bf kinda pulls away from me a bit or gives me space and doen't act like I am his all, it makes me a bit more intrigued, it makes me approach him and crave his love and affection. KInda like the chase, let your wife chase you a bit, take a few steps back and show her what she's been missing! SHe will miss you and all your lovn sooner or later!

[SpillinItAll]

She's YOUR wife. Just take what's yours when you want. Grab it, touch, kiss it WHENEVER you want. What's she going to do? Call the cop? Tell her parents?

uhhh, YES! She absolutely can do one or both.

[FanFan]

uhhh, YES! She absolutely can do one or both.

 

1) "911, what's your emergency?" "Well, my husband grabbed my boobs. :eek:"

 

2) "Mommy, hubby grabbed my booby! :mad:"

[MichelleZB]

Fanfan, stop being ridiculous.

 

To the OP, I notice that you are not very impressed by her romantic texts. I wonder if your wife is making other romantic gestures to you that you do not notice or appreciate.

 

It's worth thinking about.

[SpillinItAll]

Fanfan, stop being ridiculous.

 

To the OP, I notice that you are not very impressed by her romantic texts. I wonder if your wife is making other romantic gestures to you that you do not notice or appreciate.

 

It's worth thinking about.

 

exactly! It would really hurt my feelings if my man told me my loving text was juvenile. That alone would make me withdraw from him. In a way you are rejecting her too

[carhill]

Interesting that she apparently is hot and flirty with others.

 

 

Having been through an emotionally (tbh, your OP causes me to believe she is emotionally distant) bereft marriage, I'd get out, but you do have kids. Express your wants clearly and ask what her suggestions are to resolve the differences between your respective wants. Suggest opening the marriage up so you can get your wants and needs for intimacy met, presuming she doesn't want to work on meeting them or divorcing. Personally, I'd be gone, but that's looking from the other side. My friends say I'm alive again. Beats a pine box any day. Good luck.

[HowYouDoing]

lots of stuff to reply to! thanks for all your input. I must admit I do feel somewhat shallow and embaressed about this. Some men would die to have this problem, I guess I just needed to vent, thanks for all your hospitality!

 

Was she like this before you married her, and in your honeymoon phase? Or has she lapsed over the years?

 

she has actually gotten much better over the years.

 

perhaps she feels like when you try to cuddle it is only a ploy to get sex from her. She may have been effected negatively by the pressure you have put on her and think all of those things you do are a means to get sex from her. I happen to think the texts she is sending you are sweet and the ones you prefer from her are juvenile IMHO.

Try laying off of the pressure for a while and attempt cuddling and other things like that without even trying to have sex. Let her know that you haven't changed into some sex crazed man. That you still like the sweet innocent stuff too. This isn't something that will be resolved overnight, you have to go slow with this.

 

well, I hear you, but sometimes I am a sex crazed man and I guess I sometimes want a lover who is in the same place as me. just as she has her desire and i work damn hard to meet those needs.

 

i never understood the, she thinks you want sex thing. of course i want sex, i want to cuddle cuz i love her soft skin and i want to get biblical with her. why should i be ashamed of that? i dont expect it every night, but i just want the passion that is missing.

 

I happen to think the texts she is sending you are sweet and the ones you prefer from her are juvenile IMHO.

 

Pardon me if I am mistaken, but are you not an escort? Does my wife want me running to someone of your profession to get the type of sexual tension that I desire? Dont get me wrong, I am not about to threaten her with that or do that, but there is a reason you claim so many married men as clients.

 

Her texts ARE sweet, no doubt about it. I guess I am a bad man for wanting it all? Whats so hard about mixing it up a bit so sex isnt so vanilla and PG all the time?

 

 

Now if a man is a bad lover..... may as well have a scarlet letter on his forehead......

 

i sure hope its not because i am a bad lover. although, bad is in the eye of the beholder. it may be that i am too agressive and she would classify that as a bad lover. maybe a good lover to her is someone who only wants sex 1x a month?

 

Sorry toodamnprag- Let me introduce myself- female, and active in life. And no I do not stick together on gender issues but roll to the realistic and reasonable. So get over your overgeneralization and desire to place ALL women in one lump thought process. Females and males are as unique as we are similiar.

 

To the OP- Start from the present day and move forward. You sound like you are frustrated with the one way street and rightly so. I personally do not get the withholding of true love actions ....Some ladies though are surpressed in that means and they tend to use past issues to explain away wonderful opportunities to improve or lighten up on things. Her problem needn't be yours, Have you suggested counseling to get to the intimate level that is complimentary to you both? There is nothing wrong with getting a clear perspective from a third party ....

 

OP, in addition to my earlier questions--have you and your wife ever been in marriage counseling?

 

i have thought about MC, I am afraid of opening a pandora's box over this.

 

She's YOUR wife. Just take what's yours when you want. Grab it, touch, kiss it WHENEVER you want. What's she going to do? Call the cop? Tell her parents?

 

im gonna assume you were being sarcastic as to say, duh, its her body and her right to determine when its touched. yes, i respect that, but doesnt mean i dont crave more.

 

There is an important typo somewhere....is it 2-3 times a week, or a month? Big difference!

 

2-3 times a week, sorry. yes, tiny violins are being played for me as i type as i know there are plenty of men here on LS who would be happy with 2-3 a month and here I am complaining about 2-3 per week. its not the frequency thats an issue, its the quality and the time we spend outside of bed that lacks passion. i dont feel i have a lover, just a great partner who is doing what she thinks is necessary to keep me content

 

 

I think this speaks to the deeper issue. She isn't feeling close/connected to you for some reason, so she is avoiding intimate touch. She is having sex with you, but not connecting with you. Figure out why the distance (or the desire for distance), and work to restore the intimate feelings (restore or create? did she formerly display more desire for intimacy and touch?). She has walls up, and the sex is just a symptom of those walls. Marriage counseling would probably be the fastest route to finding out why the walls are there, and how to break them down.

 

Yes my untrained opinion is those walls are there as a way of maintaining her control. Control is a pattern in her life and she has a hard time letting anyone lead, in bed is just an extension.

 

 

If she is saying yes to sex 2-3 times a week (not a month), then she IS doing something significant to show her love for you. It may not be exactly how you want it, but it is a significant effort, nonetheless. Don't forget to recognize and be grateful for what she does offer, even while working toward a more intimate sex life.

 

This is a fair point. Why shouldnt I ask for more though? I would give her more if she asked for it. Is too much to ask for affection on a consistent basis? I am not asking her to shove foreign objects up her backside or other invasive or rude expectations. I just want some passion and intimacy.

 

The original poster thinks the word "month" is the same as the word "week."

 

Week, clarified.

 

To the OP, wow, I was reading this and thinking "OMG that sounds just like me." Especially when it comes to personal space and cuddling and all that stuff, and my guy touching me certain places, I get annoyed actually. The times I act like this with my bf its bc I am either really stressed or have many other things on my mind. Many times it was a the begining and I didn't think I liked him that much. He, like u, is a good man, does romantic things for me and expresses his love all the time, however, that doesn't matter much (in putting me in the mood) bc Im just not the romantic type (and the love notes next to my tea and in my car 5 or 6 times a month would actually be a huge turnoff to me. Sorry, she sounds a lot like me, so Im trying to help you out bc i can relate to her). Is your wife a romantic? Just bc you hear that women want to be dinned and wined and spoiled and showered with flowers and massages doesn't mean thats what your wife wants. This might sound "juvenile" but honeslty, when my bf kinda pulls away from me a bit or gives me space and doen't act like I am his all, it makes me a bit more intrigued, it makes me approach him and crave his love and affection. KInda like the chase, let your wife chase you a bit, take a few steps back and show her what she's been missing! SHe will miss you and all your lovn sooner or later!

 

More fair points. She tells me she loves these gestures. She knows how unartistic I am, hell I cant draw to paralel lines with a ruler and knows the type of effort it took. Hell I spent a couple hours in a scrap booking store with housewives trying to figure this stuff out.

 

When I pull away, she asks whats wrong. If I tell her, its an argument. So I just say nothing, just giving you space babe. You would think she would know that when I give her space, its my way of saying "come to me". She thinks I am sulking so I take initiative to get back in her space! Its a cycle that I cant win, because she doesnt have the instinct to adjust her efforts.

 

 

Fanfan, stop being ridiculous.

 

To the OP, I notice that you are not very impressed by her romantic texts. I wonder if your wife is making other romantic gestures to you that you do not notice or appreciate.

 

It's worth thinking about.

 

Thanks, its always worth remembering how much she loves me. I appreciate the reminder and the chance to think about that.

 

Like I said in my OP, I dont know what I wanted from posting this. Just a vent maybe? Thanks for everyone's insight and I hope I can be of help to someone on these boards one day too.

[HowYouDoing]

Interesting that she apparently is hot and flirty with others.

 

 

Having been through an emotionally (tbh, your OP causes me to believe she is emotionally distant) bereft marriage, I'd get out, but you do have kids. Express your wants clearly and ask what her suggestions are to resolve the differences between your respective wants. Suggest opening the marriage up so you can get your wants and needs for intimacy met, presuming she doesn't want to work on meeting them or divorcing. Personally, I'd be gone, but that's looking from the other side. My friends say I'm alive again. Beats a pine box any day. Good luck.

 

and since you posted after I responded, you get a personal response!

 

I have thought about getting out, but it seems so selfish when I really look at the overall life we have built for each other and our family. I guess Id rather continue to work on my end of the bargain and do what I can to bring peace to my family and success for my children. Our kids have benefited so much from the lifestyle we have jointly created for them and I would give up my eyes and penis if given a choice between whats best for them or a crazy hot sex life.

 

As for opening up my marriage, this wouldnt bother me, but I dont think she is capable of that type of relationship. Maybe thats demeaning of me to suggest, but thats just not something I would encourage and believe you me, we have plenty of opportunity to do so.

 

Part of me wants to see her lose her inhibitions and open up her horizons, but since I have no confidence in her sexual maturity, I might as well go to a divorce lawyer first because I am fairly certain she couldnt handle it.

 

edit: by open, I understood swinging. either way, its not something I would suggest or support if she suggested it.

 

About the flirting, we have talked about. I think its hot, I dont mind her flirting with other men (and sometimes women too). My issue is why cant she be like that with me? Her answer is because she knows she doesnt have to have sex with them.

 

Maybe thats a self esteem issue? She builds an image publicly of being a dynamo but with me, she wants to maintain her control.