alwaysthinking Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) I have worked with this man for 6 years, and developed a close friendship with him. The other night, he gave me a hug to say "good-bye", kissed me on the cheek, and next thing I know we are making out in front of his apartment. Sounds simple enough EXCEPT- we are both married (unhappily, but married nonetheless), we work together, he is very private/hard to read/extremely shy one on one, and did I mention he is muslim and I am not?! I have posted in the past, trying to figure out where his head is at and where our relationship is at- he can be a master of mixed messages, but I've come to the conclusion that his behavior stems out of fear/inexperience. I am looking for advice on what to do now- and I am not asking what to do about us both being married!! That is another issue entirely, which although related, is not something I am asking for advice on (sounds harsh, but this situation is so much more complicated than I can describe). We've worked together a couple of times since the kiss- awkward the first time, but by the end of 12 hours, we both seemed somewhat at ease, and ok with things (although nothing has been talked about). I would like to see him more (within reason), and maybe even talk about what has developed between us. I'm not sure how to go about it without scaring him off- he can be oh so timid. But, based on the kiss, his feelings seem pretty clear (over a year ago, something similar happened- we hugged to say "good-bye", and then I felt him kissing my neck. We were interrupted, and after that, he spent a year playing hot and cold.). What might put him at ease, what do I do now? He is never the one to make the first move (except for the kisses) b/c I think he is too scared and shy. If something else is going to happen, it will likely have to be up to me. Help!! Edited October 9, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Does anyone have any thoughts? Maybe the situation sounds simple, but I've never been in this type of situation before, and I really don't know what to do. He is the kind of man who has a hard time expressing himself, and I think that he may have been harboring strong feelings for me for the past few years. I want to let him know how I feel, without scaring him off or coming on too strong. I feel like we are in a very delicate dance...
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 7, 2010 Author Posted October 7, 2010 Maybe I should add- I care for him very deeply, and would be willing to see where things go.
secretlady76 Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 On the basis you're both married, try posting this on the Other Man/Woman section, you might have more success there.
WTRanger Posted October 7, 2010 Posted October 7, 2010 Unfortunately no one is giving you advice, because you told us not to give you advice on the most important part of this whole tangled mess which is the fact that both of you are married to other people. Without removing that block, this will go no where. It can't without creating a ticking time bomb that will destroy 2 separate families. Though, I suspect it's more of an adventure rush that's pushing this. The fear and excitement of cheating on your spouses heightens your feelings. You take that away and he just becomes another guy friend.
Cracker Jack Posted October 8, 2010 Posted October 8, 2010 Are you looking for an affair here? Sounds like it to me.
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 9, 2010 Author Posted October 9, 2010 Thanks for the input- and surprisingly, I complete agree with you WTRanger. I am an intelligent moral and committed woman, who never in a million years envisioned myself here. I know better- but I feel helpless right now. And Cracker Jack, I guess at this point it looks like I am "looking for an affair"- but that has never been the intention. A simple friendship with a coworker has become complicated- perhaps filling voids that both of us have. I am nearly at the point where I would like to walk away from my marriage and start over, but it just isn't that simple. I guess I naievely hope that I can let this fill some voids while I cope (and that is all I am doing) with the rest of my life.
freestyle Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 You might think it will fill voids, but it's only going to create huge problems. Even if you're never discovered--if you are a person with a conscience, it will eat at you and erode your self-esteem. The longer you allow this to go on, the worse it will get. You may end up becoming someone who you no longer recognize. If you don't post in the OW/OM forum , I'd still recommend that you take time reading the stories there, as well as in the infidelity forum here. It can be very eye-opening.
Circular Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 I think you need to take a step back from the situation for a minute and ask yourself a much deeper question. And, I tell you it through my experience. I met my xAP at work, we knew each other a long time as friends, not too different of a timescale you mention above. We seemed to have this magnetic connection, always. I was always attracted to her but I was also comfortable with us being just friends because we were both married. Like in your story, when you find someone you have a real connection with it's innate to want to keep getting closer to that person, the boundaries start blurring, I still in retrospect don't know what the tipping point was but it was like quite suddenly I felt like I couldn't live without her. There was something she gave to the relationship that satisfied something missing in my life, for me it was having someone close that I could confide in and really be myself around. I felt I could trust her with anything. Thing is, it's over now. The pressure of managing two relationships, having kids involved, and our conflicted lives created a downward spiral that ultimately led to me walking away. I haven't really spoken to her for more than 6 months now. By walking away I spared a lot of people unwarranted pain, I took a lot of that pain onto my own shoulders (someone has to pay for it). I also had to walk away from someone I truly love on many levels. One thing you'll learn, that I learned, is that of all the things lost, I lost a good friend and I find that it's the piece above all the others that saddens me the most. So, I guess the question is, are you willing to loose this person by taking a chance on something that's uncertain? And, are you willing to suffer the consequences, quite painful ones.. more painful than you probably think (read all the threads).
UntoldStory Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 Have to agree with Circular, having been in a similar situation. Be very careful where you go from here. If you truly value his friendship, it's probably best to keep it at that. Because with you both being married, and especially with him not being a good communicator, you will most likely end up having to walk away without your friend, and having betrayed two other people's trust and given yourselves one hell of a weight on your conscience to boot.
Rashad Posted October 9, 2010 Posted October 9, 2010 How can we not talk about the two of you being married?? This is a very risky situation... you said that he has communication problems, you seem to be somewhat on the verge or ending your marriage or at least thinking about ending it. What about him?? is he considering ending his marriage and if he has communication problems how would you know that he is unhappy to the point where he might end his marriage just to be with you??
kis Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I have worked with this man for 6 years, and developed a close friendship with him. The other night, he gave me a hug to say "good-bye", kissed me on the cheek, and next thing I know we are making out in front of his apartment. Sounds simple enough EXCEPT- we are both married (unhappily, but married nonetheless), we work together, he is very private/hard to read/extremely shy one on one, and did I mention he is muslim and I am not?! I have posted in the past, trying to figure out where his head is at and where our relationship is at- he can be a master of mixed messages, but I've come to the conclusion that his behavior stems out of fear/inexperience. I am looking for advice on what to do now- and I am not asking what to do about us both being married!! That is another issue entirely, which although related, is not something I am asking for advice on (sounds harsh, but this situation is so much more complicated than I can describe). We've worked together a couple of times since the kiss- awkward the first time, but by the end of 12 hours, we both seemed somewhat at ease, and ok with things (although nothing has been talked about). I would like to see him more (within reason), and maybe even talk about what has developed between us. I'm not sure how to go about it without scaring him off- he can be oh so timid. But, based on the kiss, his feelings seem pretty clear (over a year ago, something similar happened- we hugged to say "good-bye", and then I felt him kissing my neck. We were interrupted, and after that, he spent a year playing hot and cold.). What might put him at ease, what do I do now? He is never the one to make the first move (except for the kisses) b/c I think he is too scared and shy. If something else is going to happen, it will likely have to be up to me. Help!! Have you been close the entire 6 year? Have you always been attracted to him or are these feelings new? Just wondering what made a 6 year friendship change to this.
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 Have you been close the entire 6 year? Have you always been attracted to him or are these feelings new? Just wondering what made a 6 year friendship change to this. I would say the first 2-3 years that we worked together we really were just getting to know each other. Our work situation is not an office/Mon-Fri/9-5 type scenario. We both work shift work, so we can feasible go weeks at a time without working with each other. There has always been a connection between us- but I never really viewed it as anything other than friendship until the past 3 years. After being on a short leave and returning to work, something had changed between us. His behavior towards me became quite unpredictable- some days flirting and behaving like a junior high boy, other days ignoring/avoiding me- no rhyme or reason. His behavior really bothered me- every time he ignored me, I felt I had done something wrong. He can be quite moody, but this behavior seemed directed specifically towards me. After some time passed, I confronted him about his behavior. He was adamant that nothing was wrong, and that he was not upset with me. He made a comment to the effect of "you have no idea. I don't want you to worry about this ever again." Seemed quite upset that I would even think that he was upset with me. Struck me as a little odd at the time. This type of behavior has continued intermittently over the past 3 years- including the confrontations with similar responses. We have also met after work occasionally, just to talk- not about anything intimate or terribly personal, but just talk. As time has progressed, I have found myself caring very much of how he thinks of me, and wanting to know him better. All under the term friendship- it took me a long time to admit to myself that my feelings ran deeper than that. He is nothing like my husband (which is neither good nor bad)- not the type of man I would expect to be attracted to if I was single. But yet I care for him so deeply. My marriage was in trouble long before he came along (which is probably part of the reason things have developed the way they have), and he is in an unhappy arranged marriage. The past 1-2 years the intensity of feelings has really grown- on both sides I think. There have been gifts exchanged, continued intermittent chats, and 3 occasions involving some degree of kissing. But none of it directly discussed. We both have a lot on the line here, but it certainly feels like some voids are being filled. As some of you have mentioned, I know that things can and will become very complicated very quickly, but I feel very bound by my emotions. As far as losing a good friend, I would be torn apart to lose him, but at the same time, I think our relationship has already crossed the line where things won't be the same. I think it's already too late. (But I know it could get a lot worse). I can't believe I am in this situation. I am so torn- sadly, not from guilt. I have been emotionally neglected by my husband for so long, that I am completely numb. I love my husband, but I feel terribly alone. This "friend" brings me happiness in a very different way- makes life more tolerable. I just don't want to hurt him...
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 10, 2010 Author Posted October 10, 2010 And btw, thanks to everyone for the various comments and questions. You have all given me a lot to think about. I have never utilized a forum like this before, and feel somewhat relieved to get this off my chest!
TerryH Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 You fooling yourself thinking that this is a friend. It is not, it is a crush a fantasy, this fantasy of yours don't have to worry about your home life, your bills, see you when you wake up, when you are sick none of that, of course you don't want to lose that, you need to be real with yourself and completely leave it alone, cause trust me he knows what he's doing, you just have to admit to yourself that you do to
secretlady76 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 I would say the first 2-3 years that we worked together we really were just getting to know each other. Our work situation is not an office/Mon-Fri/9-5 type scenario. We both work shift work, so we can feasible go weeks at a time without working with each other. There has always been a connection between us- but I never really viewed it as anything other than friendship until the past 3 years. After being on a short leave and returning to work, something had changed between us. His behavior towards me became quite unpredictable- some days flirting and behaving like a junior high boy, other days ignoring/avoiding me- no rhyme or reason. His behavior really bothered me- every time he ignored me, I felt I had done something wrong. He can be quite moody, but this behavior seemed directed specifically towards me. After some time passed, I confronted him about his behavior. He was adamant that nothing was wrong, and that he was not upset with me. He made a comment to the effect of "you have no idea. I don't want you to worry about this ever again." Seemed quite upset that I would even think that he was upset with me. Struck me as a little odd at the time. This type of behavior has continued intermittently over the past 3 years- including the confrontations with similar responses. We have also met after work occasionally, just to talk- not about anything intimate or terribly personal, but just talk. As time has progressed, I have found myself caring very much of how he thinks of me, and wanting to know him better. All under the term friendship- it took me a long time to admit to myself that my feelings ran deeper than that. He is nothing like my husband (which is neither good nor bad)- not the type of man I would expect to be attracted to if I was single. But yet I care for him so deeply. My marriage was in trouble long before he came along (which is probably part of the reason things have developed the way they have), and he is in an unhappy arranged marriage. The past 1-2 years the intensity of feelings has really grown- on both sides I think. There have been gifts exchanged, continued intermittent chats, and 3 occasions involving some degree of kissing. But none of it directly discussed. We both have a lot on the line here, but it certainly feels like some voids are being filled. As some of you have mentioned, I know that things can and will become very complicated very quickly, but I feel very bound by my emotions. As far as losing a good friend, I would be torn apart to lose him, but at the same time, I think our relationship has already crossed the line where things won't be the same. I think it's already too late. (But I know it could get a lot worse). I can't believe I am in this situation. I am so torn- sadly, not from guilt. I have been emotionally neglected by my husband for so long, that I am completely numb. I love my husband, but I feel terribly alone. This "friend" brings me happiness in a very different way- makes life more tolerable. I just don't want to hurt him... Ok, I am a MW, who had a brief EA with a MM, although there was a bit of kissing involved. I will give you this advice. Whilst this is going on, your marriage is not going to improve. In fact it will get worse. What is going on with the MM will spiral out of control, you will get sucked in, you will act like an addict in need of a hit, doing whatever it takes to continue communication with this guy. You'll have this 'unique' bond with him, he's your soulmate you've been searching for all your life (we all seem to have experienced this bond, so it can't be that unique), you will act out of character and your husband and those around you will notice but you won't because you're in the affair fog.....and it will all come out, the wife will find out, so will your husband.....big mess. MM, will most probably throw you in front of a bus and you will be devastated. By then you will have this guy on some type of pedestal and your husband will never match up to this dream guy you have created in your head (because you never got to the stage with the MM that all his bad habits and irritating characteristics were identified like they do in normal relationship) so all you'll want to do is walk from the marriage and chase the guy, who won't be interested because he's trying to save his wife from dumping him for having a fling with his work mate. The best thing you can do is stop this NOW before it gets out of hand and basically do everything in your power to not have anything to do with him. Do not see him, speak to him or anything. Zilch contact. Change jobs, moves countries, whatever it takes. Trust me when I say that this is the ONLY way to get over him. But be warned, a few months down the line, when things seem to be improving at home and you're feeling a bit more normal, if you bump into him by accident or see him across the street DO NOT communicate with him. If you do, you'll be back to square one all over again. Emotions will be stirred and you may slip back into old habits. No Contact is the only way to go for any future happiness with your husband. You can do it, I promise.
FanFan Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 And btw, thanks to everyone for the various comments and questions. You have all given me a lot to think about. I have never utilized a forum like this before, and feel somewhat relieved to get this off my chest! This is probably going to be deleted by the Mod., but to get my point across and not to sugarcoat anything, I have to be blunt. You sound like a slut who is seeking an affair. Not just any affair, but an affair that involves cheating (the worst thing a spouse can do) to a husband whom you claim you love with a MARRIED man, another woman's husband. You're about to destroy two people, one whom you claim you love and another, a woman whom you don't even know. The destruction does not end there; it will affect the family members of YOUR husband, this married man's family members and his wife's family, all for one reason, your selfishness and what many would call, sluttiness. Don't do it. Don't go near him again. Avoid him and don't spend any alone time with him ever again. You should also disclose what happened to your husband so he has a chance to know what's wrong, what has happened and make an informed decision on what to do. I hope I didn't offend you by being so honest and I hope you can take something out of this.
secretlady76 Posted October 10, 2010 Posted October 10, 2010 This is probably going to be deleted by the Mod., but to get my point across and not to sugarcoat anything, I have to be blunt. You sound like a slut who is seeking an affair. Not just any affair, but an affair that involves cheating (the worst thing a spouse can do) to a husband whom you claim you love with a MARRIED man, another woman's husband. You're about to destroy two people, one whom you claim you love and another, a woman whom you don't even know. The destruction does not end there; it will affect the family members of YOUR husband, this married man's family members and his wife's family, all for one reason, your selfishness and what many would call, sluttiness. Don't do it. Don't go near him again. Avoid him and don't spend any alone time with him ever again. You should also disclose what happened to your husband so he has a chance to know what's wrong, what has happened and make an informed decision on what to do. I hope I didn't offend you by being so honest and I hope you can take something out of this. I think the only thing she'll take out of that response is that you called her a slut. Shame as the rest of the post was good.
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 15, 2010 Author Posted October 15, 2010 This is probably going to be deleted by the Mod., but to get my point across and not to sugarcoat anything, I have to be blunt. You sound like a slut who is seeking an affair. Not just any affair, but an affair that involves cheating (the worst thing a spouse can do) to a husband whom you claim you love with a MARRIED man, another woman's husband. You're about to destroy two people, one whom you claim you love and another, a woman whom you don't even know. The destruction does not end there; it will affect the family members of YOUR husband, this married man's family members and his wife's family, all for one reason, your selfishness and what many would call, sluttiness. Don't do it. Don't go near him again. Avoid him and don't spend any alone time with him ever again. You should also disclose what happened to your husband so he has a chance to know what's wrong, what has happened and make an informed decision on what to do. I hope I didn't offend you by being so honest and I hope you can take something out of this. I am not offended by your honesty, and you make some valid points. However, it sounds to me like you have life completely figured out and categorized into black and white. I guess I am not that lucky, because I see a million shades of gray. And to clarify, I have NEVER been seeking an affair. Never in my wildest dreams would I have envisioned myself at this crossroad- especially with a man like this. But being neglected emotionally for years on end, takes its toll. I have become weak and vulnerable- tired of hurting all the time. Someone who started as a good friend and colleague, has turned into someone that I care too deeply for. I know what the right thing to do is, but my heart just isn't there yet.
FanFan Posted October 15, 2010 Posted October 15, 2010 I am not offended by your honesty, and you make some valid points. However, it sounds to me like you have life completely figured out and categorized into black and white. I guess I am not that lucky, because I see a million shades of gray. And to clarify, I have NEVER been seeking an affair. Never in my wildest dreams would I have envisioned myself at this crossroad- especially with a man like this. But being neglected emotionally for years on end, takes its toll. I have become weak and vulnerable- tired of hurting all the time. Someone who started as a good friend and colleague, has turned into someone that I care too deeply for. I know what the right thing to do is, but my heart just isn't there yet. What I am getting from your post is that you're not disclosing it to your husband and you're going to continue contact with this woman's husband as long as it feels good to YOU.
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 What I am getting from your post is that you're not disclosing it to your husband and you're going to continue contact with this woman's husband as long as it feels good to YOU. Actually, I have not made any decisions. Contact with this man is inevitable due to work- we work as professionals in a highly specialized area- not easy to make a change without moving across the country. Regarding disclosure to my husband, I don't feel I have anything to disclose. The whole root of our problems is that he discloses nothing to me- if I were to disclose anything, it would be that I am leaving. And that decision needs to be made regardless of what is going on with this man from work. This is just a huge complication that I never bargained for. At this point, I am taking things as they come, with no plans to act one way or another. Tomorrow, that may change. Life just isn't that predictable.
Eeyore79 Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 Given your religious differences, I think the relationship is unlikely to go anywhere in the longer term. He may be up for a fling, but I expect that's all, and it isn't worth destroying your marriage over. If I were you, I'd back off from him and focus on reconnecting with your husband.
xpaperxcutx Posted October 16, 2010 Posted October 16, 2010 You are taking the cowards way out. Yes you do owe your husband some disclosure. "He doesnt tell me anything, so I am not going to tell him anything" is just as childish and as circular an argument if there ever was one. He won't tell you anything because you won't tell him anything, and you won't tell him anything because he won't tell you anything. When will one of you grow up, develop some character and integrity, some humility, get rid of your pride and grow up and say to the other, "look, things are not going right. We made a vow in front of our friends and family and God, that in good times and in bad, we would stay faithful to one another." You might be surprised that things in your marriage can change for the better, and then you won't have the lifetime anguish of knowing how involving yourself in an A ruined so many people's lives. I have to disagree on the disclosure part. If the OP is willing to put aside the imminent affair to work on her marriage, disclosure should be the farthest thing on the mind. You are correct that she is being a coward, but what she really lacks is honesty and a lack of direction on what she wants to do. Morality should dictate that she distance herself from the MM but seeing that she's too driven by hormones, the next best thing would be to work on her marriage. Take care of one problem before seeking another. Work on communication with the husband to figure out what's missing in the marriage and make amends. She only kissed the MM. She hasn't gone a full blown affair as of yet. She still has time to turn it around, hence a disclosure isn't as needed right now as good communication.
Author alwaysthinking Posted October 16, 2010 Author Posted October 16, 2010 You are taking the cowards way out. Yes you do owe your husband some disclosure. "He doesnt tell me anything, so I am not going to tell him anything" is just as childish and as circular an argument if there ever was one. He won't tell you anything because you won't tell him anything, and you won't tell him anything because he won't tell you anything. When will one of you grow up, develop some character and integrity, some humility, get rid of your pride and grow up and say to the other, "look, things are not going right. We made a vow in front of our friends and family and God, that in good times and in bad, we would stay faithful to one another." You might be surprised that things in your marriage can change for the better, and then you won't have the lifetime anguish of knowing how involving yourself in an A ruined so many people's lives. Perhaps I should clarify one point- I have approached my husband time and time again regarding the state of our marriage. I have sought counselling. I have tried to convey to him that things need to change. He acknowledges things at the time, but does not follow through. It's like he just sticks his head in the sand and carries on. I'm not saying that pursuing an A is the right thing to do (b/c believe me, I do know that it's not), I'm just saying that after being the strong one over and over again, it's easy to look for some nurturing somewhere else. I do realize that I have to confront my husband (yet again) regarding our marriage and the direction things are heading- I just don't have the strength right at this moment. My life has taken too many severe blows over the past 18 months. And I have had no support- standing here alone.
Crazy4what Posted October 19, 2010 Posted October 19, 2010 Perhaps I should clarify one point- I have approached my husband time and time again regarding the state of our marriage. I have sought counselling. I have tried to convey to him that things need to change. He acknowledges things at the time, but does not follow through. It's like he just sticks his head in the sand and carries on. I'm not saying that pursuing an A is the right thing to do (b/c believe me, I do know that it's not), I'm just saying that after being the strong one over and over again, it's easy to look for some nurturing somewhere else. I do realize that I have to confront my husband (yet again) regarding our marriage and the direction things are heading- I just don't have the strength right at this moment. My life has taken too many severe blows over the past 18 months. And I have had no support- standing here alone. Obviously your husband is not here to defend himself or even hear what he have to say to this. But I do know how you feel, coz my wife did the same ****. Both of you sound like having a professional career, him being a muslim have a strict tradition to his family. If you think you deserve what your doing then go for it. Life is short. Enjoy every moment of it. But try not to destroy other peoples relationship. If your enjoying what your doing... then be it. but Karma is always there. Talk to him see whats up, stop having an affair. its taboo but its just plain BS.
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