love4me2c Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 A lot of stuff has happened in my marriage, but prior to the more recent events, I have always known that I would divorce my husband. The problem is I cannot seem to do it. We've rarely gotten along. I am not afraid of being alone at all, but I worry that I may be making the wrong decision and ruining my children's lives. How do you know it isn't just you.. in other words how did you know it was time to go and you gave it your best shot? When did it just hit you that you had to leave even if it meant giving up your children 50% of the time? I've been on the fence for a number of years and just seem to sit there the whole time, miserable, unable to make up my mind. Any thoughts or advice on this? Thanks
someday Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I've been where you are for years, now I think it's done, but I still don't KNOW that it's the right choice. I doubt I ever will *KNOW* that I've made the right choice. I can't let that continued to paralyze me. It's not fair to me, the kids or him.
The-Zen-Warrior Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 love4me2c : I have to give you credit love4me2c you poise a very simple, but yet a very tough question here..."how did you know it was time to go and you gave it your best shot?" I figure if a lot of people chime in here, you are more than likely to get all kinds of reasons why people made a choice to leave their relationships. Everyone has their own personal "fight or flight" buttons, many different reason could trigger this button for many different people. In short, for me, this was kind of easy for me to make the choice and end my marriage. I knew the time was right, I knew that I had given the marriage my all, I did the best job I could do, with the tools I had at the time to do the job. My ex-wife made this question of yours very easy on me to make the choice to hit the "ejection button" and get the h*ll out of there. The quick of it, my ex-wife had been engaged in adulteress behavior for approx. 5-6 months, e-mail, instant messengers, text messages, video chat, ect. ect. ect. with another man. The day she booked an airline ticket, without care of using the family account to pay for it, to go see the "other man" who lived approx. 1000 miles away, I knew the very moment her planes landing gear left the run way, and the plane climbed into the sky, it was over. During her two (2) week stay with the "other man", with family help and support and the assistance of a "pit bull" for an attorney, we filed for divorce 3 days after my ex-wife's departure. She made it very easy for me to know it was time to move on. After 5-6 months of suspicious behavior, the locking ones self in a room for hours and avoiding the family, the constant need to be on a computer in a locked bedroom for the sake of talking to the "other man", the changing of the bedroom door knob, to a locking one that took a key, the telling me that I don't have a room anymore so go sleep in your Son's room, the using of the family bank account to mail this guys cards and small gifts, and the final straw that broke the camels back, the abandonment of her Husband and Child, all for the sake of being "confused" and wanting to see if this "other guy" is what she wants.........no way was I going to stick around and be anyones "fall back plan"......no way! Making the choice to leave any relationship regardless if it's just a simple boyfriend/girlfriend relationship all the way up to the "big tamale" a marriage, all of it can be hard to hit the 'eject button" and walk away from. It definitely sounds like love4me2c you have been on the fence for a while. I suspect that by being on the fence for as long as you have been, that you've had plenty of time to think about this.....what have your thoughts told you about this? What does the "logic center" of your mind say to you, after all these years of thinking about it? You've had amble time to think, I suspect that the time for action is at hand. Action = marriage counseling, personal (one on one) therapy, a psychiatrist, a psychologist, ect. ect. ect After this sort of action is complete, you will be in a better position to know if the final action needs to take place, that is for you to hit the "ejection button" and get out of there! You've had enough time to think about all of this (by yourself), time to get other people on-board, fresh minds, new opinion, different prospectives, the shedding of light upon the darkness, stuff like that. Keep us here on L.S. in the loop, we are here and we are listening.....
blizzard Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 ((((hugs)))) It's so hard to move forward...I am in your shoes now.
Meatballsmom Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 To be on the safe side, at least a year after you have gone none contact with your OM. It is either that or face the rath of your children went they become adults, have children of your own, blame you for the break up of their family and refuse to have anything to do with you. As long as the OM is still in your life, you face at least 50 / 50 odds of living a life that includes never being able to see you grandchildren. Something to think about today, but ir-reversible 10 years in the future. It is worth the chance?
Author love4me2c Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Meatballsmom Thanks.. this is a place I've been for years not just recently and the OM has nothing to do with this but I understand what you are saying. The OM and I are not going to be together no matter what even if I separate.
onedayatatyme Posted October 1, 2010 Posted October 1, 2010 I never knew it was over. If it had been my choice, it never would have been. In my mind, I had made a lifelong commitment and created children and brought them into that commitment. It was a commitment to God, myself and my wife to stay in this for better or worse. You should be prepared that it might be for the worse when you take the vows. Otherwise, you should never have gotten married. I know that sounds harsh and judgemental and higher than thou. Hey, those are just my values for me. My marriage was misserable, especially at the end when she cheated, lied, gaslighted, called me emotionally abusive. I still waited for her to file for divorce, which she did. Am I happier now? Hell yes. And I don't have to feel the guilty conscience and wonder if I made the right choice. She made the choice and I'm better off for it. I would have stuck with her for another 50 years though, loving her and working on the marriage till my dying breath. That is what marriage is.
Iconoclast Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Meatballsmom and the OM has nothing to do with this Gosh, where have I heard that before ...? So you're still having an affair (or two)? Yeah, that's real good for the kids.
carhill Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 OP, wrt children, which role model dynamic do you wish for them to model? The current one or the prospective one, co-parenting while moving on to healthier lives as single people pursuing compatible and healthy relationships? For myself, I'd rather have 50% of a healthy role model than 100% of an unhealthy one, using your current description of your M (rarely gotten along, OK to be alone, affairs). Hope you make a decision which is healthy for you and your children. Good luck
Iconoclast Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 A reminder: "My husband has turned into a different man and has become everything I want in a husband. The problem I'm having is I have been unable to stop the chatting/meeting with other men. I have been unable to cut the second revenge affair loose." ...nothing to do with it?
carhill Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 It's just an unhealthy marriage. I know a few like this, married over 20 years. Affairs on both sides. Fortunately, the kids are grown and out of the house, mostly. The cr@p women tell me What I'm seeing is someone who is having a hard time reconciling her choices versus the consequence of seeing her children less. As with most people, men and women, she wants it both ways. In these situations, tough and painful decisions must be made, whether to reconcile completely or divorce. None of it is easy. She has to decide is she's up for hard. Coasting only prolongs the inevitable and each day with the described status-quo prolonged is a day lived unhealthily.
TheLoveAdvisor Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 Our marriages have become like Friends on facebook, easily accepted, easily rejected...Wake up the next day and your no longer on the list anymore.... Sometimes you get blocked.. I would never give advice on ending a marriage, unless cheating was involved.... The part in the vows that mentions "bad" is very hard for humans to accept when "bad" comes along....
Author love4me2c Posted October 2, 2010 Author Posted October 2, 2010 No I'm not having an affair anymore.
Iconoclast Posted October 2, 2010 Posted October 2, 2010 That may be. But, we're talking like 6 days from "can't cut loose" to "not having an affair anymore". Just doesn't happen that fast. Have you gone full No Contact with the other men? Emphasis on NO. Look, you have "everything you want in a husband" right in front of you. You both need to sit down and figure out what you need to do to forgive each other. That should happen whether you separate or stay together anyway, as there are children involved, and they need to see that. Give yourselves a few months to try it and see. That's a small investment that should be undertaken for the kids. Treat this as a sea change. An opportunity to rebuild yourselves as you would like to be, then perhaps you'll find the relationship can be rebuilt as well. Trying, and doing the right thing, are the steps to rebuilding your self esteem. You do that from the inside out, it's the only way. You sought to use external forces to build your esteem after your husbands affair, and look where that got you. Self esteem will build by trying to do the things you know are right, and good. Imagine all the ghosts, all the doubts that are constantly swirling in your mind banished. Wouldn't that feel good? Imagine getting ready in the morning, looking in the mirror and smiling, because you see a good person who does good things. So simple in hindsight, so seemingly unsurmountable looking forward. Your future and past have been so distorted from plan that you have no base to withdraw to. It's a lot like leaving an addiction behind. One day at a time. Don't worry about tomorrow. It doesn't matter. Be calm. You can do this. It can be done. But only by you, for you. I enjoy giving you this advice, and hope it can help you. But i'm not going to pull any punches.
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