New Here , in middle of separation.

[PeachtreeBoo]

Hi there ,

i'm brand new to the forum and this is my first post.

 

A little background info on my situation :

 

I was married very young and had my first child at 19 years old. My second child at 21 ( a week shy of my 22nd birthday actually). My marriage was... solid but I was very unfulfilled. I didnt consider leaving because of my children and because I had religious and moral convictions that it wouldnt be right. Also , My eldest child had special needs and I felt that parenting her from two homes would be an extreme challenge for her and me so I did not consider separation. However - throughout my marriage My H was very seldom there for me emotionally and otherwise. He was very withdrawn and told me frequently he didn't like the fact that he didn't get alone time and ha to share a home and space and time with other people - basically he didn't like being part of a family. This showed in his behaviour - he only participate when he felt like it. He seldom compromised or did what we wanted or needed just to be kind. Basically he was selfish.

Again - in spite of this - I didnt consider sepration for several reasons.

 

now - 17 months ago my older child passed away. It was very sudden - and as any parent can testify to - it is the worst possible thing that can happen to someone.... A few days after our daughter died my H for the first time in a long time reached out to me emotionally and told me all the things he regretted about our family life and our relationship and how he was going to do better so he wouldnt ever have to experience these regrets again if anything was to happen to me or our other child.

 

for maybe.. three weeks he tried really hard to be there for me... I was doing everything in my power to be there for him.. obviously it was a very hard time for both of us and we were dealing with our own grief as well as supporting each other.

 

Within two months of her passing away he had become very secretive and withdrawn..I also noticed a bizarre connection developing between he and my 17 yr old cousin.

 

Another month passed and he was in CONSTANT contact with her , he also , in his sleep one night violently attacked me with a bungee cord around my neck. At this point I moved out. We talked and started counselling to deal with what happened while he was sleeping... he was upset but tried to be understanding about my horror over the whole thing. He didn't understand how I could hold it against him when he didn't mean to and didn't even know he was doing it.

 

A few more weeks passed and one day out of paranoia , wether it was right or wrong , I looked at his phone. I found sexually explicit text messages from my cousin on his phone.

At this point I confronted him and he told me " it didnt matter" because he was leaving me and he didn't love me anymore and hadn't loved me since before our daughter died.

 

I said fine and walked out the door with our son.

 

within 24 hours he was telling me he didnt mean it and he loved me and wanted us to work. I told him I wanted to stay living separately and we could talk.. but I wasn't comfortable just pretending it all never happened. About two weeks later I found suggestive messages to a young girl- a friend of his younger brother - whos apartment he was staying at - and so i tracked him down and asked him where he was - told him if he didnt leave his brothers place immeiately and come to where i was it was the end of the relationship. He said he was staying.

 

We went back and forth for maybe another week until he finally just came to me and said we were over.

 

We were separated for a month - during which he rarely saw our son and we rarely talked. Then he started sending me txt messages , generally drunken ones about how he loved me and missed me and didnt want to hurt me e.t.c. - I was trying to move on from this obviously unhealthy relationship and start dealing with my grief over my child.

 

Another month passed and one night he was calling and txting incessantly and i told him i was going to ignore them because it was harassment. The next day I get a call from his father that theyd found him in bed and hed swallowed two bottles of pills. He was still breathing... and they rushed him to the hospital. I went to the hospital upset and livid. I stayed long enough to find outhe was alive and going to make it then i left. furious.

 

I changed my number and refused to take the calls he placed to my parents house. I went on a trip , (actually my ex flew me to visit him because we were still friends but also because wed sort of been flirting since i separated from my H - it was clearly a rebound thing.)and when i came abck i actually started reeiving calls from his Dr. she wanted us to meet and talk. he wanted to talk about the relationship i said id meet to talk about hi having access to our child.

 

I went to see him he begged and pleaded and cried and told me all about how much hed changed and how the time he spent in the psych ward had effected him and helped him see what his part in all this was and how it had changed his mind and made him want to live and be there for me and for our child. I was et against the idea and told him so... But then i met with him again a week later... and a week after that.. eventually for some reason i sort of started to soften toward him.. Christmas was approaching and I was sad to think of spending my first Xmas without my daughter also without H.. and making my son be split between us....

 

I sort of relented agaisnt my better judgement and then i felt a lot of pressure to just return to being fully together , married e.t.c. we were moved back in together a couple months later.

 

After we moved back in together i tried to reinvest in the relationship..but i found it impossible to say " i love you" or to sleep with him... eventualy both happened but it was always a struggle for me. He also returned to a lot of ghis ways of not really being there for me in the ways i needed.. and he wouldnt open up to me about any of his experiences.. he also went back to telling little lies bout stupid stuff just to avoid discussions with me. i told him i was pretty uncomfortale with him txting random females i ddint know and he was sort of defensive about it..but eventually reluctantly agreed. I was constantly checking his phone... because i was terrified of being hurt or embarassed again.

 

After about three months of this i was starting to doubt that i should have gotten back together with him. I tried talking to him about it.. and he was upset..defensive...

 

Another month passed and our lives got more and more separate..we spent most of our spare time apart - i developed an entire new group of friends. He refused to get to know them or spend anytime with them.

 

finally i told him i was thinking about leaving him.. because i just couldnt put my trust back into him.. that being with him just reminded me of all the awful stuff he put me through.

 

I finally left again 3 months ago. I know its the right decision for me , and its been difficult at times.. but I feel better then i have in a year and a half.. I feel more like myself then have since before we got married.

 

Ive finally started grieving my daughter and dealing with some of the stuff that goes with that...

 

So - my ex has ben absolutely harassing me about my every ove. we live in a small town and we have joint custody of our child so we se each other and have mutual acquaintances and run into each others families and such. He NEVER says anything to me or calls me.. he doesn't have the gall to SAY these things to me.. but he Texts me on a regular basis.. combination of " no one will ever love you the way i do" and " how can you do this to me you're such a B*tch" and melodramatic song lyrics and accusations.

 

I dont know how to deal with these txts? Do I just ignore them? Do i call him and say DO NOT TXT ME , do i tell him when i see him face to face to stop it? Do i respond to the txts? Do i engage in a conversation?

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

 

sorry for the book of a post - but I figured there would be questions about the situation so I decided to just give a whole bunch of the details now.. hope thats okay.

 

I also have questions on how to handle beginning dating and seeing other people and how much information i "owe" the ex in terms of my choices. I'll do that in a separate post though.

 

Peach

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I dont know how to deal with these txts? Do I just ignore them? Do i call him and say DO NOT TXT ME , do i tell him when i see him face to face to stop it? Do i respond to the txts? Do i engage in a conversation?

 

Any advice would be appreciated!

Tell him to stop. Once.

Then try contacting your cell phone provider and see if they can block the number from text service.

[You Go Girl]

Definitely block his texts. You can do this, call the provider. Block his number or block all texts if you have to. Stop him, because he's not going to stop himself.

You feel better than you have in a year and a half! I'm proud of you. This is going to be a success story to your independence.

 

He's extremely immature and toxic to you.

Make a list of the awful things he has done.

Everytime you feel like caving in, or you feel weak, or you are missing him, read that list.

You're going to need it on your weak days, and I don't want to ever read that you have caved in and taken him back! I'll give ya a virtual arse-whooping!

I'm so sorry about your child you have lost. Now that you are away from the drama king, you can finally mourn that loss...makes complete sense. You're dealing with things on a mature level, he still has an immature tantrum mentality. You know this, so move on, and don't even consider reconciliation. It won't work just like it didn't work before.

I wish you the best!

[PeachtreeBoo]

Thanks to both of you!

 

I called my provider and apparently they cant block texts. I've thought about changing my number and just not telling him - but we have to beable to contact each other due to our child whom we share custody of.

 

Getting rid of texting alltogether on my phone would be a HUGE inconvenience as I communicate with all my closest frinds and sisters that way on a very regular and frequent basis...

 

hmmm... still thinking on solutions.

 

I like the idea of making a list... I did make a list of all the things I want in a future partner and realised how very poorly he fit most of the criteria... but a list of the negative stuff might be handy too. I don't really consider going back to him anymore.... 'cept the rare weak moment where I think I *should* because my child deserves it.. but I don't want it at all....

 

I've sort of begun 'seeing' a male friend. We've been close for awhile and once he knew I was considering dating or accepting a date he told me he had feelings for me. We already spend a good bit of time together so we sort of went on a 'date'...but it really wasnt all that different from when weve spent time together all the time leading up to this...? The only thing thats changed really is that weve begun to get more affectionate and our affection is more...romantic type interactions rather then just friends.

 

Seeig how different it can be with someone and being able to communicate about everything with him definitely helps to keep me sane and keep me from considering my Ex.

[sadintexas]

If you don't want to give up texting, here's what I would do. I would get a new phone number with calling and texting for everyone but him. I would either get a prepaid cell or a family cell plan where you can add another phone for around $10 a month. Give him that number and have that number not be able to accept texts. Don't give anyone else "his" number and only carry it when he has your child with him. He can leave you messages on there the rest of the time, for visitation schedules or whatever.

 

I'm very sorry about your daughter. Reading that makes my heart break for you.

[PeachtreeBoo]

Thats an interesting idea - I'm in an EXTREMELY tight situation financially.. so I'll only take on an additional expense if it becomes desperate...

 

Yesterday my little one called to say goodnight and then i spoke with XH and told him i would no longer be talking to him about ANYTHING via txt , that he can call me if he wnats to talk about anything relating to our child or even anything else ( because im pretty certain he wont have the gall to bring it up over the phone... i guess we'll see)

hes only txted me once since.. but it was pretty inflammatory... i didnt respond and he hasnt said anything since...

 

i guess ill give it a cpl days and see how things play out then make a decision...

[health]

That bungee rope on your neck while he was "Sleeping" is insane.

I think you should leave him and find someone healthier for you.

You've been through alot, but this is too much.

[Ella whispers]

I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.

 

I do hope that he will move on and let you heal. You owe him nothing. Your life is your own and you don't have to answer to him.

 

*HUGS