emermaid Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 okay, so here's the deal- i was dating this girl for a month and a half, really intensely, altho things weren't defined. we said we'd tell each other if there was anyone else and agreed it was monogomous as far as sex. i went away on vacation for two weeks and we agreed to be open to hooking up with others, said goodbye, and didn't stay in touch while i was gone. i'm not suprised by this as she doesn't have internet at home, hardly updates her facebook, etc, and I was away in Europe so didn't have phone access. A few days after I got back, I tried calling her. She didn't pick up. She's not a phone person, so not a surprise. I texted her that I was back and had some stories for her. She wrote back, "Let's do something". I wrote back, "sure, when are you free?" Two days later, on saturday around 5pm, she wrote, "do you have plans tonight? want to go to a party at ____?" I had a friend in town, so I wrote back "I have plans already. Let's do something fun this week." and she wrote right back "Ok next weekend then. Have fun tonight." I wrote back the next day, "Let's find something fun next saturday. I'm still sick with a cold so hopefully will be better by then." I really liked her and had tons of fun with her (and the chemistry was GREAT). She was pretty bad at communicating in between dates when we were seeing each other, and I was feeling pretty frustrated on that level before I left. I miss the time I spent with her a ton, but after having some space away and seeing that she's not jumping to see me since I've been back, I am thinking this dating situation isn't going to go anywhere that I want it to. She was also really drunk and ambivilant the night before I left, said all this stuff about us being in a "fun" dating situation, and not in a relationship, so my expectations are low. I don't want to lead her on with my texts, and I'm thinking I want to cut my loses and break things off with her because this isn't getting anywhere, but I've been waiting to do it in person. If she liked me as much as I like her, she would have come by to see me since I've been back (it's been a week already), instead of sending last minute texts asking me to drop everything and go hang out with her. The thing is, she won't pick up her phone. She has a new job and is probably busy, but I still don't think she's showing too much interest. I'm really AGAINST breaking things off via text or email, tho my friends are telling me to do that for closure and to make myself less available to her--i feel like vomiting at the thought of it. That's just NOT my style (at least once I've been sleeping with someone for awhile). Plus, she rarely checks her email. My question is, do you think it's okay if i just leave things as-is while trying to move on in my own heart? I'm big on communication and she's obviously not--i'm not sure how to reach her without chasing her down. I might get a text from her next week about plans and I don't know if she's thinking it's a date or not (things are so unclear from our little bit of communication), but perhaps I just don't answer if she texts again? OR do I make a point to meet with her and tell her how I feel? I would like to be friends with her in good time, but I do think I might be tempted to get physical with her again if I see her so I want to give it a little more time. I haven't seen her for three weeks now, so really I don't know what will happen. Note, I'm the one who is more open to a relationship, she just sees herself as unattached. I want to do the right thing, but I dont feel I have a lot of options.
Von Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Well I certainly wouldn't accept the kind of behaviour she's giving you. You have 2 options: ignore her txts and move on to a better girl that'll give you what you want. Or if she txts for a night out, say only if your ready take the next step and take things further. Because that's what you want. Be a man and tell her what you want. Girls respect that. If she says no, fine move onto the next one. Done.
lvixen Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Sounds like she has already broken things off with YOU by not answering your calls or making solid plans with you. A lot of people (both men and women) are really cowardly like that and think just ignoring someone is a good way of breaking things off with them. It's also possible that has started dating someone during your 2 weeks absence. Either way, imo you should go NC (No Contact) with her. Stop trying to call her, text her whatever. If you need closure just send her an email saying "nice to know you" or whatever and leave it at that. Again, sounds like she's sending you a very clear message.
Author emermaid Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 you really think she's dating someone else so quickly? damn.. way to make me feel worse! i suppose i was confused by her "messages" because she invited me out saturday night. that doesn't seem so clear, as you say. if she wasn't interested anymore, why would she want to invite me out? before i left, i initiated all of the dates, since i've gotten back, i've only sent a text, not being specific about plans as i was in the past. i've been laying pretty low with the texts and she probably doesn't know i called (her phone is off half the time and i didn't leave a voicemail because she doesn't check her messages). i'm not being so agressive because i am feeling more than a bit unsure and ambivalent. i feel she'd have to step up her game if i were to even consider continuing. of course, no one will know the real answers. all i know, she is busy drinking herself silly (seeing that she drank 12 beers in 5 hours the night before i left!). i've realized that she's quite a handful and i want to end things and move on, but i was seeking advice because i've never dating someone so out of touch like this. i don't want to be the weirdo who just "ignores her till she disappears". i'm not a narcissist like that.
CLC2008 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 okay, so here's the deal- i was dating this girl for a month and a half, really intensely, altho things weren't defined. we said we'd tell each other if there was anyone else and agreed it was monogomous as far as sex. i went away on vacation for two weeks and we agreed to be open to hooking up with others, said goodbye, and didn't stay in touch while i was gone. i'm not suprised by this as she doesn't have internet at home, hardly updates her facebook, etc, and I was away in Europe so didn't have phone access. If you wanted to be in an open relationship while you were on vacation, you kind of already made the decision, to break up...
Author emermaid Posted September 29, 2010 Author Posted September 29, 2010 on a side note-- having an open relationship does not mean breaking up. i've been in long term open relationships in the past--the most successful lasted 8 years! that's fine if your values aren't aligned with open relationships or if you choose not to have them, but agreeing to be "open" on mutual, mapped out terms does not mean breaking up. we agreed that i could get together with others in berlin if i was safe and told her afterwards, as we were only together a little over a month and it was a chance for me to have fun without the risk of anything serious getting in the way of our dating. on the other hand, breaking up means breaking up. or... perhaps im learning that dwindling into no contact means breaking up, too? as an update, i received an instant message when i was away from my computer last night. she lost her phone. i tried it today and it's disconnected. i emailed her my phone number, but she doesn't have a computer and can only check from her roommate's when he's home. i'm pretty tired of trying to track her down and am trying to move on as if i am single right now. it's been three weeks since i last saw her, for god's sake! i have my life together and don't have these kind of problems--if i lose my phone, i find a way to replace it, if my computer breaks, i get it fixed. i don't see how i can keep dating someone who is so unstable. at least without going crazy. and... how long can you make a girl wait? i've been in this ambiguous space since i contacted her last thursday. i'd hope the person for me would jump to the opportunity to see me after i've been away for two weeks--esp in the first two months of dating. of course, she's probably got her own problems to deal with... which is half the problem, anyway.
Recommended Posts