Need interpreation about ex-fiance's recent contact

[abust1]

Well, my 8 month ex texted me on Saturday. I haven’t contacted her since August 2nd, but this is the second time since then that she has sent me a text message. This one said:

 

“Who gets engaged when they don’t mean it? You do. F*** you. Why would you do that? Do you even know how messed up that is? You are probably too much of a coward to respond. Not that I want you to.”

 

This thread about the last time she broke NC a couple weeks ago outlines our story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2997509#post2997509

 

As mean as that message was, receiving it rekindled a lot of feelings. She can really push my buttons. She was at our mutual friend’s wedding where she was the maid of honor. I was invited, but didn’t go for obvious reasons. I had a message typed out apologizing for the way I behaved, but I didn’t send it. I hurt her during the relationship; she hurt me with how she ended it. In a way you could say that I ended it. I just don’t know what to do.

 

I am dying to apologize, tell her why I think I behaved the way I did and all the other stuff I’ve learned about myself, and her, through all the pain I’ve been through and all the work I’ve done. Through much of this pain and self-discovery, she has been in my mind. I understand myself, and her, so much better now, why she ended things the way she did, why our relationship was often toxic. We both had messed up family situations. It’s fine, I get it, I forgive her, I forgive myself, I love her. I’ve grown to love more things about her apart than I ever could imagine while we were together, part of that is probably the post-breakup pedestal syndrome, but not all of it.

 

Unfortunately, I seriously doubt a good outcome if I were to say anything back to her. Her questions were surrounded by a lot of hate, and I’m afraid of her saying more hateful things that I really can’t handle right now. Ideally, we would have a mature conversation about what went wrong, forgive each other and..? Move on or try to start a relationship again? My mind knows the former is best, but my heart wants the latter. In either case, I know the chances of the “mature” conversation to start either path are slim enough. I just want to share what I've gone through with the 1 person who would actually get it. My counselor, family, friends, no one really gets it, and I don't expect them to.

 

I don’t know if she has had any of the same realizations or if she is just simply blaming everything on me and looking for the next guy, or maybe she’s with someone. Maybe her questions are probing me, with a protection of hateful comments, to see if I’ve changed because she really cares. Maybe it was REALLY hard for her to send that message. Or maybe it was just an emotional whim message because she was at that wedding with little meaning other than her being mad about the crap I pulled. Maybe (definitely) I analyze things too much. I just don’t know. I want to make a decision as to what to do next, so here I am, agonizing. Thoughts?

[Wrenne]

it sounds like your ex-fiance is really hurt and probably there were a lot of hurtful things that happened to the both of you during the relationship. she probably was lashing out and wanting to see how you would respond. i would contact her back and ask her if she just wanted to vent or if she wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship and what you have learned while you have been apart the past couple of months. then, meet up at a safe, private place to talk. the worst thing that can happen is that she will say that she doesn't want to talk or meet up with you. but before you do that, be very sure that talking over your relationship (and a possible reconciliation) is what you want. for better or for worse, you might get your wish

[abust1]

it sounds like your ex-fiance is really hurt and probably there were a lot of hurtful things that happened to the both of you during the relationship. she probably was lashing out and wanting to see how you would respond. i would contact her back and ask her if she just wanted to vent or if she wanted to have a serious talk about your relationship and what you have learned while you have been apart the past couple of months. then, meet up at a safe, private place to talk. the worst thing that can happen is that she will say that she doesn't want to talk or meet up with you. but before you do that, be very sure that talking over your relationship (and a possible reconciliation) is what you want. for better or for worse, you might get your wish

 

Hi Wrenne, thanks for the reply.

 

I don’t truly know what I want to say or happen, so perhaps saying nothing is best. Some parts of the day I’ll want to spill out my feelings, other times I just want to simply tell her I’m sorry for my mistakes and leave it at that, and occasionally I want to tell her to leave me alone. I’ve gotten a lot of mixed contact from her since we broke up. The actual breakup date is hazy because of how it went down, but she slept with another guy on Jan 30th, we finally moved apart for good on April 8th. I haven’t seen her “on purpose” since May 15th. Haven’t spoken on the phone since June 10th.

 

March 12: She texts me that she loves me, misses me.

March 15: We go out for my birthday, she tells me she doesn’t see herself ever sleeping with me again.

April 10: She asks me if I would go back to her if she wanted to. I said no.

April 17: She texts me that she wishes she didn’t have to go out and meet other people, she could have been happy with me.

April 30: She texts me that she hates me.

May – June: We bicker about our dog, which I still had at the time. She obviously enjoys having this power over me.

Early May: She went to a wedding with her new guy, tells me she can see why things didn’t work out for us because we weren’t that in love. Tells me how happy and excited she is about her new guy.

June 10: We talk on the phone. She tells me her and her new guy (same one she slept with in January) had a huge fight the night before. She tells me she’s in love with him, wants him to be her boyfriend. She tells me she’s over me.

June 12: I see her out and talk to her briefly like nothing is wrong (faking!). She texts me later telling me she hates me, and that she hopes I know she would have loved me forever. I do not reply.

June 26: She texts me that she’s meeting new people but it seems futile, she’ll never meet anyone she loved as much as me.

July 1: She texts me that sometimes she still misses me, asks me if I feel the same way. I just say “yes”. She asks if I want to watch the dog if she goes out of town, I say no.

August 1: I sent her something about the dog and ask her if she still misses me. She says no, she realizes we were in an abusive relationship where I was always trying to bring her down to my level of unhappiness. She says she only really loved me because we started dating after her mom died. I tell her a bunch of crap about how I’m not over her and I wish I could have been in our relationship with how I feel now.. blah blah

August 2: She sends me all the pictures from her phone so she can delete them. I tell her I’d like to see the dog in a month. This is the last time I talked to her.

September 11: She texts me to tell me how mean I am and that she can’t believe she used to want to have my babies.

September 25: Texts me about our former engagement, see original post.

 

Chronicling that was a good exercise for me. Thinking back, I never trusted anything she said these past few months. My instinct told me she is just trying to control me, get a rise out of me, for an ego boost. Looking back.. I don't think that's entirely true. I watched her fall in love with someone else while we were still living together. Maybe it was stupid, infatuated, rebound, revenge love, but watching that happen pretty much killed me. I lost 40 pounds, missed work, could barely function, etc, etc. Not that I didn’t deserve it. This is all just a bunch of damn love addiction and I have to finally break free. It’s good to feel a bit in control by ignoring her, but I really am dying to reach out to her. I still think about her almost constantly, cry almost every day over her. The source of our unhealthy connection? I never had a mother to love, and she never had a father to love. My theory at least. I fantasize about us understanding each other to that level. Learning how to have a healthy relationship with someone seems impossible given my history.

[Angel1111]

Ok....I was going to say that you need to talk to her because she sounds really hurt. But reading your other post about all the texts she has sent over the past months, I think you do have a problem with this person. She doesn't really sound stable. It's hard to say what to do but I doubt that this relationship is worth going back to.

Edited September 28, 2010 by Angel1111

[Billie The Puppet]

Well to answer you ex's question who gets engaged when they don't ****ing mean it?

 

My ex does, ( Semi brings up engagement says she would say yes, go ring browsing ) one month later needs to be single. Lol yea right.

 

As for your situation that's tough, the me inside of me says if that same story would apply to me I'd answer her latest text with a joke mentioning the divorce rate and then followed by a scumbag like me. Yes it's a bait reply to see how she would take it.

[listen_to_me_please]

I know exactly whats going on, I have seen it before, I have even been through this before in life. I was writing you a well worded response when my computer shut down for a windows update and I do not feel to write out the document again so I will simply say this:

 

 

You are a doormat.

She is using you as a emmotional punching bag.

She is in essence a vampire, sucking your life away.

Ignoring her will not help you heal.

You are enabling her to have a fruitfuill relationship with other people, you are enabling her to ease her suffering, her guilt and move on that much faster.

 

 

In regards to HER:

In order to not allow her to use you to stabilize her physche and move on that much quicker, you have to cut all lines of communication, you must change your phone number, block her on facebook, block on her email.

 

This will allow her to not have you as an emotional punching bag anymore, delay her healing, put all the emmotional baggage that you carry for her onto the new guy.

 

In regards to YOU:

You have to build up your amor, you have to place a perverial wall between you and her. You must change your phone number, make it near impossible for for communication(s), continue to move on, heal and suffer.

 

In regards to your question about interpretation of her actions,

There is none. She is crazy. She is emotionally damaged. She is a relationship hopper. Her growth is only enabled by men who cary her burden.

 

Excuse my spelling and grammer, I did not finish college.

 

PS, this will never stop, it will continue for as long as you allow it OR until she builds up enough intimacy with her new guy, to carry her burden. The person you knew and loved is dead and gone.

 

In closing,

Run Forest, Run

Edited September 30, 2010 by listen_to_me_please

[spriggig]

Who gets engaged when they don’t mean it? You do. F*** you.

 

I didn't read your other thread. It sounds like she's looking for a fight to justify her anger. Let it go, you're right nothing good will come from responding.

 

She blames you and she always will, she will continue to use her anger to ward off depression and avoid facing her own responsibility and guilty feelings about the failure of your relationship.

[abust1]

Thanks for the replies everyone. I agree that I have taken the role of doormat. It is amazing how that role changed overnight when she cheated on me and I put up with so much crap. Prior to that I was always in control and she was the doormat. I guess it was a doormat driven dramatic and dumb relationship.

 

It's also amazing how rapidly my emotions towards her change throughout the day. Sadness, anger, happiness (thinking of our past times). I cycle through these multiple times a day. During sadness and happiness I want to contact her.

 

I had her number blocked on my phone for a while, but I found it made me feel more anxious, thinking she might contact me and I would miss it. Even the last couple mean messages she sent made me feel better to know she is out there suffering at least a little bit. I've been through hell over this.

 

I KNOW it's over, yet I'm still so connected. No, she's not stable. Neither am I. We were perfect for each other! Obviously not healthy. When I learn about all my faults, our relationship's faults, she is constantly in my thoughts. As I try to learn to love in a healthy way, I can look back and appreciate so much more about her, her faults. Her and our relationship are my life's example of love. I just need to separate reflection from reality. Move forward. Learn to love myself, etc etc. It all makes sense, but executing seems impossible.

 

I'm glad I faced my depression, for the most part, without drugs or a rebound relationship. I'm still coming out of it, but it is nowhere near as dark as a few weeks ago.

 

Thanks again everyone.