enufdrama Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 My relationship started as an A. We've been together for 4 years now. But I do not trust him at all. I found out 2 years ago that he never completed his divorce like he told me he did. I found out by catching him at his wife's house. they lived 6 hrs apart so i never suspected this at all. I now see i was set up by his cuz. all heck broke loose. we were verbally attacked, they threatened to kill us, trashed his car, and tried to trash mine. It was crazy. He left his W and finished the divorce. but little by little the truth came out during that 3rd year. most of the lies I found out through other sources and then had to harrass him to get the truth out of him for months. He had lied about his whereabouts to go visit the kids and her on at least 6 occasions that i know of now. He has finally admitted to sex on 2 of those, but only because she pushed it and he didn't want her to suspect. (not sure i buy this). he said he only called once a week to check on the kids and she would guilt him into saying i love you. he said she used the kids against him. his family was taking her side and harrassing him and making him feel more guilt. he also signed a house with her with his name on it during this time. all the while pressuring me to not help my ex with anything. i thought he spent one easter with his mom and dad's but he was in another state with his wife and kids, and talked to me faking the entire day's events. I also figured out that a jacket he gave me actually belonged to his wife. she now has it back. it disappeared suddenly. imagine that. this was my tip off. i did a background on him and then he admitted to having a 1st marriage that he never told me about. so since that day that we decided to start things over. lies upon lies from the past have been found out. he says he would tell one lie then have to lie to cover that one up and it snowballed and got out of controll. he says i now know it all but I find myself totally unable to trust him. its been a year since we hashed out all the lies, according to him, he has changed. I, on the other hand, worry about this. he has pretty much given up his family for this relationship because they don't accept us. my kids are also now attached to him. I really had no idea all of this was going on. it has been a warp of the mind for me. this is not who I thought he was. he says he is committed to making it work and he does "show" me love through his physical affection. he would glue himself to my hip if i would let him. Is there any hope I could ever trust this man or that he has changed? or should I just cut my losses, learn from it and move on? sorry so long!
desertIslandCactus Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I would think, if you are both free now (divorced) .. and you are in love with him .. then just see how things play out. But as long as you do not trust him: Do Not marry him. Do Not give him money or invest with him.
Circular Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I think peoples actions speak for themselves. He's living a life of deceit, its through his actions. Your relationship with him isn't real. How can it be? It's built on a house of lies. The person you thought he was is an illusion. He painted this picture for you of who he was, that he was trustful, open affectionate person. I guess my question to you would be.. is this what you believe you deserve out of a partner? a confidant, a lover? If it is then I think your self-esteem and self-love need a lot of work. I read your post and half way through thought 'man, this guy is a loser' - and to let someone who lives their life deceiving others around your kids, now that's messed up.
BB07 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I can relate to your story enufdrama, as mine is similar. Here it is if you are bored. The thing that stands out about your post is you said you can't trust him. You are always going to be looking over your shoulder, checking up on him, always will be some doubt in your mind, right? Even now you aren't really sure if you have the whole truth or not, and how are you ever going to know? You can't can you? What you are living, isn't any way to live, is it? He has proven himself to be a really big liar and you'll never be sure of anything he says. The cost benefit vs the payout is too great, right?
greengoddess Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Why did he feel he had to lie to you about seeing his kids. I would hope you would support him in spending as much time as he could with his children. Do you really want to be with a man who only called once a week to check on his children????That says soo much about what kind of person he is.
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Why did he feel he had to lie to you about seeing his kids. I would hope you would support him in spending as much time as he could with his children. Do you really want to be with a man who only called once a week to check on his children????That says soo much about what kind of person he is. My 'ex' h aways used seeing the kids as a false pretense to get to see me' to his girlfriend. I would take them, he would ignore them and hover over me' and try to reconcile. I believe that is the only reason he would feel guilty enough to lie about seeing his kids to you. Because that is not his intention...just merely a means to and ends. I'm not you but i would not tolerate the lies another second...but you said it yourself, you have already agreed to start fresh a d that is what you will certainly do, despite the advice u get here. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt...so all I can do is wish you the best.
Author enufdrama Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Thanks, i would love to speak with you. anyway to talk on here.I can relate to your story enufdrama, as mine is similar. Here it is if you are bored. The thing that stands out about your post is you said you can't trust him. You are always going to be looking over your shoulder, checking up on him, always will be some doubt in your mind, right? Even now you aren't really sure if you have the whole truth or not, and how are you ever going to know? You can't can you? What you are living, isn't any way to live, is it? He has proven himself to be a really big liar and you'll never be sure of anything he says. The cost benefit vs the payout is too great, right?
BB07 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Thanks, i would love to speak with you. anyway to talk on here. You don't have access to the private messenger system until you've been here about a months time and have a certain # of posts under your belt, unless you pay for premium access, which isn't a lot. If you don't want to pay, we'll figure out something.
Author enufdrama Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I did support him in seeing his kids. I encouraged it. but he said she kept them from him. said she would use the kids against him and his family. so of course he made her out to be the bad guy. when it was his weekend I would ask, why aren't you seeing your kids. he would say she won't let me. its complicated. I seen the red flags. I was STUPID! my dad use to say I was naive. boy was he right. I seen red flags but apparently chose to ignore them. I doubted myself, doubted my gut instincts as I have pieced this wicked puzzle together pretty much by myself, it has been twisted.Why did he feel he had to lie to you about seeing his kids. I would hope you would support him in spending as much time as he could with his children. Do you really want to be with a man who only called once a week to check on his children????That says soo much about what kind of person he is.
Author enufdrama Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 do you have yahoo messenger or any other source?You don't have access to the private messenger system until you've been here about a months time and have a certain # of posts under your belt, unless you pay for premium access, which isn't a lot. If you don't want to pay, we'll figure out something.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 My relationship started as an A. We've been together for 4 years now. But I do not trust him at all. I found out 2 years ago that he never completed his divorce like he told me he did. I found out by catching him at his wife's house. he was cheating on his wife with you, THAT should have tipped you off that he isn't to be trusted.....not that he never completed his divorce like he said. Cheaters are liars by default. Is there any hope I could ever trust this man or that he has changed? he was a cheater when you met him, and you want or hope to change him? or should I just cut my losses, learn from it and move on? sorry so long! cut your losses and move on to available men. when you mess around with someone that is cheating on someone else, you are getting someone untrustworthy right out of the gate.
fooled once Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 My relationship started as an A. We've been together for 4 years now. But I do not trust him at all. I found out 2 years ago that he never completed his divorce like he told me he did. I found out by catching him at his wife's house. they lived 6 hrs apart so i never suspected this at all. I now see i was set up by his cuz. all heck broke loose. we were verbally attacked, they threatened to kill us, trashed his car, and tried to trash mine. It was crazy. He left his W and finished the divorce. but little by little the truth came out during that 3rd year. most of the lies I found out through other sources and then had to harrass him to get the truth out of him for months. He had lied about his whereabouts to go visit the kids and her on at least 6 occasions that i know of now. He has finally admitted to sex on 2 of those, but only because she pushed it and he didn't want her to suspect. (not sure i buy this). he said he only called once a week to check on the kids and she would guilt him into saying i love you. he said she used the kids against him. his family was taking her side and harrassing him and making him feel more guilt. he also signed a house with her with his name on it during this time. all the while pressuring me to not help my ex with anything. i thought he spent one easter with his mom and dad's but he was in another state with his wife and kids, and talked to me faking the entire day's events. I also figured out that a jacket he gave me actually belonged to his wife. she now has it back. it disappeared suddenly. imagine that. this was my tip off. i did a background on him and then he admitted to having a 1st marriage that he never told me about. so since that day that we decided to start things over. lies upon lies from the past have been found out. he says he would tell one lie then have to lie to cover that one up and it snowballed and got out of controll. he says i now know it all but I find myself totally unable to trust him. its been a year since we hashed out all the lies, according to him, he has changed. I, on the other hand, worry about this. he has pretty much given up his family for this relationship because they don't accept us. my kids are also now attached to him. I really had no idea all of this was going on. it has been a warp of the mind for me. this is not who I thought he was. he says he is committed to making it work and he does "show" me love through his physical affection. he would glue himself to my hip if i would let him. Is there any hope I could ever trust this man or that he has changed? or should I just cut my losses, learn from it and move on? sorry so long! So here is a guy who does nothing but lie to EVERYONE; sneaks around behind your to be with his wife/exwife - has sex with her.. and there is NO WAY in the world I believe it was forced...how does a guy 'fake' having a hard on? If you believe this..... And same with the "I love you". If he was divorcing her anyway; WHY would he say it? He is completely untrustworthy in my eyes and there is no way to recover from all the lies and damage he has done. I do not understand why you continue to allow him to walk on you - which is what you do each time you accept his lies. And you accept his lies by staying with him. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you will either 'forgive him' or believe the lies. Also - having sex with someone isn't showing a commitment. I mean, he has sex at LEAST twice with his wife/ex wife...was he showing HER his commitment? And if he has to be with you; because he can't be trusted...what does this say? It says he isn't someone good enough for you and he sure as HELL isn't a role model for your CHILDREN!!!!! Can I ask how old you all are? I did support him in seeing his kids. I encouraged it. but he said she kept them from him. said she would use the kids against him and his family. so of course he made her out to be the bad guy. when it was his weekend I would ask, why aren't you seeing your kids. he would say she won't let me. its complicated. I seen the red flags. I was STUPID! my dad use to say I was naive. boy was he right. I seen red flags but apparently chose to ignore them. I doubted myself, doubted my gut instincts as I have pieced this wicked puzzle together pretty much by myself, it has been twisted. Sorry - not buying the not being allowed to see his kids. Was he granted visitation in the divorce? If so, he can take her back to court each and every time (called contempt) she withholds the kids from him. He is going to come to hate you because of this. Your kids are not a replacement for his own kids. He is going to blame you for all this...mark my words. He is the worst role model in the world for you kids and I can't image all the fights your kids have had to witness. How sad for them and how incredibly sad for you that you do not respect yourself more than to allow this cheater to constantly lie to you, then say he is 'sorry' and you continue to let him stay in your life.
Author enufdrama Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 I feel exactly this way. 100%. he has made it to where he is the victim and I have seen his game. I have been so disgusted. how can you have a relationship with someone for 2 years and not know who they are? its made me question everybody and everthing. even my ex. i know think he cheated on me constantly I just never caught him. its totally made me a different person. I am trying to change my life. he says he has changed and will never hurt me again, but i've heard that before. i read past notes and think they are bullcrap. i hear songs from the past and get angry and think how I was played. our past is a lie. So here is a guy who does nothing but lie to EVERYONE; sneaks around behind your to be with his wife/exwife - has sex with her.. and there is NO WAY in the world I believe it was forced...how does a guy 'fake' having a hard on? If you believe this..... And same with the "I love you". If he was divorcing her anyway; WHY would he say it? He is completely untrustworthy in my eyes and there is no way to recover from all the lies and damage he has done. I do not understand why you continue to allow him to walk on you - which is what you do each time you accept his lies. And you accept his lies by staying with him. He knows he can do whatever he wants and you will either 'forgive him' or believe the lies. Also - having sex with someone isn't showing a commitment. I mean, he has sex at LEAST twice with his wife/ex wife...was he showing HER his commitment? And if he has to be with you; because he can't be trusted...what does this say? It says he isn't someone good enough for you and he sure as HELL isn't a role model for your CHILDREN!!!!! Can I ask how old you all are? Sorry - not buying the not being allowed to see his kids. Was he granted visitation in the divorce? If so, he can take her back to court each and every time (called contempt) she withholds the kids from him. He is going to come to hate you because of this. Your kids are not a replacement for his own kids. He is going to blame you for all this...mark my words. He is the worst role model in the world for you kids and I can't image all the fights your kids have had to witness. How sad for them and how incredibly sad for you that you do not respect yourself more than to allow this cheater to constantly lie to you, then say he is 'sorry' and you continue to let him stay in your life.
BB07 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 do you have yahoo messenger or any other source? enuf, I put my email addy in my profile info, under bio. Let me know when you get it, so I can remove it cause I get more than enough spam already.
Author enufdrama Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 I sent you an email. enuf, I put my email addy in my profile info, under bio. Let me know when you get it, so I can remove it cause I get more than enough spam already.
jimrich Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 re: my kids are also now attached to him. ... Your dependent, innocent kids are your #1 priority in life until grown and you need to do whatever it take to protect them from the damages of inadequate, faulty parental role models. Kids need and deserve the very best parental role models you can give them so they do not grow up DAMAGED. DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS!
Author enufdrama Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 thanks for your response. jimrich. hard part is how to do it. do I continue to let him have contact to let the kids "wean" off the relationship or do I just end all contact completely. not sure which is best for them. re: my kids are also now attached to him. ... Your dependent, innocent kids are your #1 priority in life until grown and you need to do whatever it take to protect them from the damages of inadequate, faulty parental role models. Kids need and deserve the very best parental role models you can give them so they do not grow up DAMAGED. DO WHAT'S RIGHT FOR YOUR KIDS!
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Why would you want the kids around a man who isnt the best role model for marriage and trust. Is that what you want your kids lives to be molded after? kids are impressionable remember? Even you yourself say you can trust him after the way you started. it's only a matter of time before he betrays you. or you betray him. Your feeling guilt and it's cool because at least you have a conscious about your actions in life.
Author enufdrama Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 you are right chrome. I feel alot of guilt and other emotions. My eyes have been opened to a whole different world. this has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life. I fell before I looked. I did not listen to my gut instincts, i didn't trust them. I allowed him to lead me into this. I seen redflags, but took his word over other things when i shouldn't have. I trusted someone I shouldn't have. but worse I trusted someone else over myself. Why would you want the kids around a man who isnt the best role model for marriage and trust. Is that what you want your kids lives to be molded after? kids are impressionable remember? Even you yourself say you can trust him after the way you started. it's only a matter of time before he betrays you. or you betray him. Your feeling guilt and it's cool because at least you have a conscious about your actions in life.
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