Love?/In Love./Loved...

[pandagirl]

This is a question about that thing called "love."

 

It's been brought to my attention through my own breakup, others' breakups and friendly conversations, that most people are confused about love.

 

One friend has been dating her boyfriend for many years, but claims she's never had that "in love" feeling with him, but that she grew to love him. She was though, IN love with her ex before him.

 

A guy friend who broke up with his gf of 1.5 years in May because he had to move away says he still misses her and loves her, but was never IN love with her. He doesn't think he's capable of ever truly being "in love."

 

My own recent ex told me when we first started dating that he's had love for the women he's dated, but never was really IN love with any of them. He said he never once envisioned having a future with any of his three more serious girlfriends. I apparently was the first girl he saw in that way, and I remember when he first told me he loved me, he actually said: "I'm in love with you."

 

Another guy friend told me he loves his gf of two years, but also sees no real future with her.

 

In all of these cases, these people say/said the words "I love you" to their partner. Now, these are all friends who are in their late 20s to early 30s. So, I guess my questions are to the readers of LS are:

 

1. When you said "I love you" to your partner for the first time, was it because you felt IN love or because you knew you just loved them, as in you deeply cared for them.

 

2. If there is sexual attraction in both cases, is there a difference between falling IN love with someone and growing to love them? Is either really better than the other?

[Knittress]

I think people have a tendency to re-write history to fit their current outlook of things, like how you were never wildly "in love" with that jerk who moved out and took both cheesegraters, or how you never "truely loved" those drama enriched HS boyfriends since you found 'the one.' People change and grow and every relationship is different, but people still feel the need to compare and invalidate.

 

I think I was going to say something else...

Oh well. ::shrug::

[shiftedblue]

In my last long term relationship, I thought I was in love very early because of the sexual chemistry. I.e. I was in lust, and because the physical chemistry continued on through the years, I fell in love. To stay in love required devotion to the person, even as his flaws revealed themselves (and mine to him etc.)

 

I think the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone equates to whether or not you can be without them...that's my personal experience with it at least. When I was in love, I needed him, physically, emotionally, everything.

 

When the emotional connection dissolved, I fell out of love. I still had a strong physical attraction to him, but didn't feel in love anymore, and eventually I left.

 

I also assume...though I don't know as I'm only 23, that as you grow older and mature, your idea of what being in love is will change..

[Eeyore79]

To me, love is an emotional connection, a feeling that you trust someone and care about them, and want to make them happy. You enjoy each other's good qualities and you can cope with each other's bad qualities; you have things in common and enjoy spending time together. You basically accept this partner as the one for you, through thick and thin; you know this person has got your back, and you support and rely on each other. There's also a certain amount of sexual chemistry and attraction involved.

 

Lust is more selfish - you're thinking about your own desires, not about making the other person happy - whereas love is more selfless. But caring about someone and being madly in love with them aren't the same thing; love is more passionate, more crazy, more exciting than just caring about someone and liking them as a person. In my experience, growing to care about someone is never as powerful as falling madly in love with them, and doesn't really last either. We all want that "in love" feeling, so if we don't have it with one partner, eventually we'll leave them in order to find it with someone else.

[pandagirl]

I think the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone equates to whether or not you can be without them...that's my personal experience with it at least. When I was in love, I needed him, physically, emotionally, everything.

 

I don't think you should ever feel like you *need* someone. But that you *want* them.

 

But caring about someone and being madly in love with them aren't the same thing; love is more passionate, more crazy, more exciting than just caring about someone and liking them as a person. In my experience, growing to care about someone is never as powerful as falling madly in love with them, and doesn't really last either. We all want that "in love" feeling, so if we don't have it with one partner, eventually we'll leave them in order to find it with someone else.

 

I agree, but that "in love" thing is a *feeling*, and feelings come and go -- they're not constant.

[aerogurl87]

1. When you said "I love you" to your partner for the first time, was it because you felt IN love or because you knew you just loved them, as in you deeply cared for them.

 

When I first told my boyfriend I loved him it was because I cared about him alot. After a few months though I actually fell in love with him and still am madly in love with him. I told my ex I loved him which I did, but I was never truly in love with him. But I would've given my life for him because I did truly love him.

 

2. If there is sexual attraction in both cases, is there a difference between falling IN love with someone and growing to love them? Is either really better than the other?

 

I think it goes beyond sexual attraction. But yes there is a big difference between falling IN love and loving someone. Being in love is a mix of lust and truly caring for someone. Loving someone is just caring for them alot. And I think being in love is alot better than just loving someone because you get everything that makes a relationship great with that.

[pandagirl]

I think this is interesting.

 

Because when someone says "I love you" to you, it seems that the receiving partner will naturally assume that it means, "I am IN love with you," not merely, "I care deeply for you."

 

But it seems that the two are not mutually exclusive!

[aerogurl87]

I think this is interesting.

 

Because when someone says "I love you" to you, it seems that the receiving partner will naturally assume that it means, "I am IN love with you," not merely, "I care deeply for you."

 

But it seems that the two are not mutually exclusive!

 

Yes that's what most people assume, but I've learned it's best to get clarification when that's said. My boyfriend first told me he loved me after knowing me for a week so I knew for a fact it couldn't mean he was in love with me at that point. So when I asked him how he could say that he explained that he cared about me a lot and later he told me he was in love with me one day while we were talking.