The Man Cave

[Oxo]

Hi All,

 

I just want some advice/opinions on the "man cave". You know, that thing that some men retreat into when they are hurt/ angry/ frustrated/ guilty/ sick of putting up with your dramatic girly cr*p? (well, my dramatic girly cr*p to be specific ).

 

I would like to know a few things:

 

a) Why do men go into their caves, i.e what does it do for you?

b) How can a woman get you out of your cave, or should she leave you be?

c) What are the biggest triggers that push a man into his cave?

 

Thanks in advance for any answers, I really appreciate it. My man is currently in his cave (I think) after an incident this morning where I got too emotional, and when he told me to toughen up, I hung up on him. And now he isn't talking to me. I already understand where I went wrong btw with the drama and the tears etc. I rang back to apologise and he ignored me.

 

So anyway, I was hoping I would get some insight into men and caves and frustrations etc so maybe I can become more understanding of him, and what he needs.

 

Cheers

[welikeincrowds]

He's sorting out his feelings after a difficult fight with you.

 

I don't know what your fight was about, but if it's as bad as you seem to be hinting, and I knew you patronized me by claiming I "went into my Man Cave," then my decision as to what to do with you would become much easier.

[Oxo]

We didn't actually have a fight as such. My mother said something pretty hurtful to me, and I called him for some comfort and advice as to how to handle the situation. I was teary because I was upset. He basically just told me to harden up, stop crying, and get over it. I got more upset at this (because he was yelling at me) so I said I had to go and hung up because I didn't want to be yelled at when I already felt terrible.

 

So when I calmed down, and called him back, and he didn't answer, I am assuming he is in his man cave because he has had enough of my over-emotional sh*t. He is one of those men who frequently withdraws all contact when he is upset or angry or tired or had a bad day. He goes inside himself.

 

And thats why I wanted to know really why men go in there, and the best way to handle it because I don't want to make things worse.

 

I wasn't trying to be patronising, was just trying to figure out the situation...

[Lemontang]

Blokes and their sheds more like it. But yes some guys will just close up and can sulk just as much as any woman. We just come off a bit more gruff when we do.

 

Anything can set anyone off really. Best to just let things cool down and give him some time, after which sit down with him and discuss it non-confrontationally. Don't say what can 'I' do to fix this though, but rather what can 'we' do to fix it instead. Make it a joint effort so that he feels he's helping and making progress much like you will be in return.

[Lemontang]

Also being overly emotional over a long period of time without a solution from either party can wear some people down to such that it's just automatic for them to go through the motions. It's not to say they don't care but you can only listen to a favorite song so many times before you tire of it. But this is not to say it's your fault either, some people just need a hand at pulling out the right tools from the tool box so they can fix it.

[Oxo]

Thanks lemontang! Yeah I understand better blokes and their sheds. He is a real man's man so the shed is the solace for him.

 

Alright, well I will let it be and I guess he will call when he is good and ready and then we can talk about it.

 

And I won't cry

[Oxo]

Oh I just realised you're in Aus too! Yay! I see so few Aussies on here, I get really excited to see us on here lol

 

Where are you from?

[Lemontang]

Australia. lol.

 

Country Victoria (central)...so we know all about sheds down here. lol

[Oxo]

Oh yeah you would! My dad's from Wedderburn, I went there once and it was so nice and peaceful. I'm a Brisbane city girl so while I understand the shed logic, haven't had much experience with it lol

[jamesum]

What the hell is shed? English please! LOL

[Pyro]

What the hell is shed? English please! LOL

 

I'm an American and I have had a shed ever since I was a kid. Small build-it-yourself storage unit that goes in the back yard.

[Rooooob]

Hi All,

 

I just want some advice/opinions on the "man cave". You know, that thing that some men retreat into when they are hurt/ angry/ frustrated/ guilty/ sick of putting up with your dramatic girly cr*p? (well, my dramatic girly cr*p to be specific ).

 

I would like to know a few things:

 

a) Why do men go into their caves, i.e what does it do for you?

b) How can a woman get you out of your cave, or should she leave you be?

c) What are the biggest triggers that push a man into his cave?

 

Thanks in advance for any answers, I really appreciate it. My man is currently in his cave (I think) after an incident this morning where I got too emotional, and when he told me to toughen up, I hung up on him. And now he isn't talking to me. I already understand where I went wrong btw with the drama and the tears etc. I rang back to apologise and he ignored me.

 

So anyway, I was hoping I would get some insight into men and caves and frustrations etc so maybe I can become more understanding of him, and what he needs.

 

Cheers

 

A) Usually just because we need some alone time, and our own little personal escape from reality.

 

B) If a guy is busy in his "Man cave", then you should definitely just let him be. He's there for a reason. He doesn't wanna be bothered.

 

C) It's not always you. It could be a lot of different things. Stress from work, relationship stress, perhaps financial stress.

[pandagirl]

Also being overly emotional over a long period of time without a solution from either party can wear some people down to such that it's just automatic for them to go through the motions. It's not to say they don't care but you can only listen to a favorite song so many times before you tire of it. But this is not to say it's your fault either, some people just need a hand at pulling out the right tools from the tool box so they can fix it.

 

I cant say for sure, but this might me part of the reason my last relationship didn't work. A combination of him retreating, me taking it personally, getting emotional, him not communicating, then me trying to pull him out of his "cave," while he just retreated further in. It was a cycle that wore us down.

[Oxo]

What the hell is shed? English please! LOL

 

A garage - does that help? where men go to drink beer, chat to their mates, and fix stuff

[Oxo]

I cant say for sure, but this might me part of the reason my last relationship didn't work. A combination of him retreating, me taking it personally, getting emotional, him not communicating, then me trying to pull him out of his "cave," while he just retreated further in. It was a cycle that wore us down.

 

I try to pull him out too, pandagirl. I just want to fix whatever is wrong with him so he feels better. Essentially I want to mother him, but it seems the best thing to do is leave them to it.

 

I find that hard because leaving someone alone doesn't really seem like you're being there for them. You know what I mean?

 

Roooob: thank you for that reply, I really appreciate it

[Lemontang]

A garage - does that help? where men go to drink beer, chat to their mates, and fix stuff

 

Better yet this will tell you what Shed's are best used for:

 

[sanskrit]

Men don't go in caves unless we go spelunking, we are not neanderthals, it is not like a dog-house. If he goes somewhere away from you for a bit it just means he needs breathing room. "Man cave" some media buzzword. Did a real man even coin the term? Doubt it.

[Oxo]

That's just what I call it when a man retreats inside himself. That's why I agreed that the shed analogy is better suited...

[Oxo]

Better yet this will tell you what Shed's are best used for:

 

 

I remember that ad. Love it

[TaurusTerp]

What is the female equivalent?

[that girl]

It really seems like your problem go deeper than the man cave.

 

You were upset and he yelled at you? Unless you should have known that this was a terrible time to call (ie he was at his job where only emergency calls are allowed or he was at his aunt's funeral), yelling at you is incredibly inappropriate. Now maybe you are overburdening him emotionally, but he still shouldn't be yelling at you.

 

so I said I had to go and hung up because I didn't want to be yelled at when I already felt terrible.

This isn't hanging up on him since you said goodbye. It isn't a great way to end a call, but it isn't rude like hanging up on him.

 

He is one of those men who frequently withdraws all contact when he is upset or angry or tired or had a bad day. He goes inside himself.

How frequently and for how long?

[Lemontang]

That's just what I call it when a man retreats inside himself. That's why I agreed that the shed analogy is better suited...

 

Yes I find the aussie vernacular sometimes gets lost in translation on the other side.

[Oxo]

It really seems like your problem go deeper than the man cave.

 

You were upset and he yelled at you? Unless you should have known that this was a terrible time to call (ie he was at his job where only emergency calls are allowed or he was at his aunt's funeral), yelling at you is incredibly inappropriate. Now maybe you are overburdening him emotionally, but he still shouldn't be yelling at you.

 

 

This isn't hanging up on him since you said goodbye. It isn't a great way to end a call, but it isn't rude like hanging up on him.

 

 

How frequently and for how long?

 

Well the last time he shut me out was about 2 months ago. It lasts about 24 hours, sometimes less. Depends on what's going on.

[witabix]

[quote=Oxo;3016935

I would like to know a few things:

 

a) Why do men go into their caves, i.e what does it do for you?

b) How can a woman get you out of your cave, or should she leave you be?

c) What are the biggest triggers that push a man into his cave?

 

a) I retreat in interpersonal situations because of overload usually. When I am trying to deal with something and my SO either doesn't see it or doesn't realise it. Sometimes I think we can expect our SO's to have ESP and know how we are feeling even when we resolutely keep out mouths shut.

 

b) IME it can sometimes really annoy to have someone trying to winkle you out, so to speak. It depends on the approach. If I am being a sulky little boy nothing will shift me, because thats the nature of sulky little boys. If its because I feel my SO is over burdening me with problems that I really don't need/don't think are important/can't deal with then a softer approach will draw me out.

 

c) Biggest triggers? I think its more a case of being up to my eyes with something that is bothering me, I don't talk to anyone to about it, then my SO has an issue and I find I don't have the patience left to help, so I withdraw, or explode.

 

In summary I feel its more about what I am going through rather what my SO is doing/saying to me. Thats just my take on it. Hope it helps somehow.

[Els]

He's sorting out his feelings after a difficult fight with you.

 

I don't know what your fight was about, but if it's as bad as you seem to be hinting, and I knew you patronized me by claiming I "went into my Man Cave," then my decision as to what to do with you would become much easier.

 

I don't see how that's patronizing at all. Would you find it patronizing when a man calls a woman 'having her time of the month' if she was moody during her period?

 

OP, I'm not a man, but in my experience just sending off an apologetic text and then waiting til next morning or later that night, usually works fine.