Elysium Posted February 26, 2004 Posted February 26, 2004 It has been a while since I last posted here. I have been around, just reading everyone's posts… It has been about 2.5 months since my ex broke up with me. We were in a relationship for 5yrs when he decided that the relationship was putting too much pressure on him, we were not compatible and that he needed freedom. Hence the break. Since the day he broke up with me, I never made any attempts to contact him. He has always been the one to call me. For the first 3 weeks or so though, I was still pretty emotional and on one occasion when he called me, I poured out my heart to him and told him how I'd become a better person and understood where I went wrong in the relationship blah blah blah. He was completely guarded in that conversation, a little cold and said he would "think about it and let me know" (i.e. whether he would want to try again) and "You've given me things to think about and I may reconsider". Well after that conversation, I decided that the contacts with him were completely unbeneficial to me. I didn't want to feel as though he held the key to my happiness and I wanted control of myself back. So I emailed him the following day and requested that he let me make the next phone call. I also wished him well and thanked him for his concern but that I would be fine. Around end of January I sent him a card to wish him a Happy Chinese New Year. I got no response. I was a tad annoyed at that but didn't pursue it with him at all. About two weeks later, he called me. It was certainly an ego boost but I didn't pick up. The following day he called twice, neither time did I take his call. I didn't want him to think I was deliberately being mean so I emailed him and said "Sorry I missed your calls – hope everything is okay". It was brief, casual email that I ended with "Wishing you well". He wrote back the same day saying that nothing was wrong, just that he wanted to talk to me b/c we hadn't spoken to each other for so long. He ended the email with "hope to catch up soon" and "xo". I should say that the reason why I didn't pick up his calls was because I didn't feel ready to talk to him yet. I thought that my emotions would get in the way again and so I elected to protect myself. Last weekend, it was his birthday. The Friday night before the weekend, he called me. This time I did pick up and I told myself that if I felt uncomfortable, I would get off the phone. And I know the rule about keeping the conversations short and sweet but this one lasted 1.5hrs! I think it was a good conversation for me (but I'm open to other opinions). I was completely happy. I talked about all the things that I had been up to, including joining the gym, writing articles, going to church and talked about all the new and wonderful people I had met. I proffered a completely different outlook on life, one that was positive and cheerful. Throughout the conversation he kept saying things like, "I'm so impressed with you", "You sound like a completely different person", "I'm so overwhelmed by how positive you've become" and "I'm really happy for you". And I could feel that he was genuinely taken aback. He was a little defensive at times as he thought I would react to thing he said the same way as I had done in the relationship and was amazed at how well I moved on from these sticky points. Of course I asked him how he was and he said "same old, same old". I prompted him to talk about business (next to family, this is his greatest priority) and again he was not altogether enthusiastic about the new ventures he was involved with. He didn't sound obviously sad or anything, just not as vibrant as me. And the weirdest thing was that I wasn't at all pretending. I truly felt as happy as I sounded on the phone to him. Near the end of the conversation, he thanked me for the card I sent to him on Chinese New Year. He apologised that he didn't have the courtesy to thank me at the time and I responded by saying that the point of giving is that you don't expect anything in return. Further, I told him that I know he's a good person so even though he didn't thank me, I did not think any less of him. He also said, "I've been speaking to some people about this and I was telling them that I think you're a fantastic person, intelligent, caring, thoughtful (etc.) and you would be a great catch for some lucky guy who would be more compatible with you". He was a little emotional by this stage and I heard him sniffle a couple of times. I think he had a weak moment b/c he missed me close to his birthday. However, what are your opinions on the conversation we had? Is he happy yet sad b/c hearing me happy confirms that he made the right decision? (ie that I'm better off without him) Or, is he a little down b/c he's being reminded of what he's missing out on? Thanks for reading the whole post and more thanks for responses!
NEONINK Posted February 27, 2004 Posted February 27, 2004 you would be a great catch for some lucky guy who would be more compatible with you Doesn't that answer your question? He didn't say he loved you and wanted you back. After 5 years, the son of a gun should have known it. Sorry, but if you are truly rebuilding your life like you say... then if one day he gets down on his knee and asks for repentance and another chance, great, but if he doesn't come forward, then just as well. I know it sucks! People just will not do what we want them to do. In your mind, and mine, he should have stepped up to the plate and taken his chances. Everyone keeps telling me, things happen for a reason... Gag. I just wish I knew the reason. If he's the one you want, I hope you get it. But to answer your question, He may come around, but I wouldn't base my life on it.
javachik Posted March 9, 2004 Posted March 9, 2004 Wow, Elysium. You and I have much in common, including the time frame and the hopeful phone calls. How are you feeling these days (it's a few weeks later). I am now "deleting" e-mails that my ex sends. I feel as though after years and years and him controlling the tone of our relationship, I finally have control. I didn't want to be cruel, but I know that silence is the biggest communication tool--and one I have never had the courage to use.
Author Elysium Posted March 11, 2004 Author Posted March 11, 2004 Hey Javachik, Well since that phonecall, he has surprised me at work for lunch and asked me to go away with our mutual friends on the weekend that would mark our 5yr anniversary! At the lunch, I made him cry by saying that he's an amazing person and that I was blessed to have been given 5 years with him. There were implications from him that there may be a chance of reconciliation but at present, he's concentrating on other things. I told him we both needed time apart to be strong individuals before we could be strong as a couple again, if that is what should happen in the future. Just recently though, I actually told him to stop all contact with me because he was giving me mixed signals. I told him that I still love him and wish we were happy together but I can live with or without him, I just don't want to be confused while he's unsure of what he wants. Again, he got emotional and teary - like he doesn't want to be with me but can't let go altogether either. I meant no malice in severing contact but I told him that it would benefit the both of us. He disagreed that he would be okay but would respect my decision. So, as much as deciding to cut communicate with my ex HURTS like a pen in the eye, I know it will definitely help me to move on. I now have no excuse to myself to get over him. I hope things are looking up for you too Javachik!
NEONINK Posted March 11, 2004 Posted March 11, 2004 I must say the following. If you REALLY AND TRULY LOVE HIM, then letting him go and losing touch isn't what you want. However, if you believe you want a different life from him, then continue losing touch. (I pulled the ultimatum of either get in the relationship or get out, and I'm alone now. Deep down, I guess I thought I would win that way. I tested the 'if you love something set it free, if it comes back...' routine. And it doesn't always happen like we wish it would. Just be sure of your motives and what you really want. Good luck in finding it.)
Author Elysium Posted March 11, 2004 Author Posted March 11, 2004 Hey NEONINK, I REALLY AND TRULY LOVE HIM and I do want to be with him. However, he is clearly confused or undecided about the relationship at the moment. He seems to overestimate his strength at being "just friends" with me and being around him when he behaves "somewhere in between" hurts too much. I sincerely believe that if two people are meant to be together, their hearts will find each other again. Pride shouldn't have anything to do with love and if he is too proud to contact me one day then do I really want to be with someone like that? Furthermore, if he NEVER contacts me again, then it just wasn't meant to be. I have said all I needed to say to him (ie I love him, want to be with him etc.) so he knows my position, but I refuse to parade myself around him until HE decides whether he wants another shot at the relationship. If my ex loves me and values our relationship - he'll come back. If he doesn't, I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks that little of such a long and meaningful relationship. I pulled the ultimatum of either get in the relationship or get out, and I'm alone now. Deep down, I guess I thought I would win that way. NEONINK - you found out that s/he wasn't the one for you. I know that it begins with the motive of getting them back in some way but in time, the distance apart will help me see what I really want.
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