joseygirl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 So....here we are again. I am posting because I need advice. I have been in limited NC.. (text only for 2 months). In the past 14 months I have not worked because he wanted me to be able to travel with him as much as possible. I did that and with living expenses drained my savings. So now I am starting back to school fulltime and I have no savings left... he still hasn't left his wife and I feel I've wasted the past year and almost a half. He has offered to help me with finances to the point where he gave me 3k and is offereing another 2k to get me established for school. I almost feel he owes this to me and more since I had a job offer I didn't take a year ago that would have paid me nicely ... so I could travel with him. Yet.. I want to cut him off completely but I almost want to wait until he helps me... and this makes me feel like a bad person... yet he is the one who has lied to me... telling me he would leave his wife and we would be together. So what do I do? HELP.
KarmasTestDummy Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 So....here we are again. I am posting because I need advice. I have been in limited NC.. (text only for 2 months). In the past 14 months I have not worked because he wanted me to be able to travel with him as much as possible. I did that and with living expenses drained my savings. So now I am starting back to school fulltime and I have no savings left... he still hasn't left his wife and I feel I've wasted the past year and almost a half. He has offered to help me with finances to the point where he gave me 3k and is offereing another 2k to get me established for school. I almost feel he owes this to me and more since I had a job offer I didn't take a year ago that would have paid me nicely ... so I could travel with him. Yet.. I want to cut him off completely but I almost want to wait until he helps me... and this makes me feel like a bad person... yet he is the one who has lied to me... telling me he would leave his wife and we would be together. So what do I do? HELP. My personal opinion is that he doesn't deserve for you to be giving him this much control. He's not just asking you to wait or give your heart, he is robbing you of your life. If you have to rely on him financially and he prevents you from working you will never be able to discover who you are without him. Cutting ties and not allowing him to pay for anything is the only way you will grow independently. I think that is something you owe yourself, and to be honest it will probably make him love and respect you that much more for putting yourself first. His ego will see that you don't NEED him and it will drive him crazy, but you don't deserve false promises. If he's going to take action that bruise to his pride and seeing what life is without you at his beckon call may be the push he needs.
Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I agree with the above. I know you are already kicking yourself for giving up your own plans and life for him for so long. So taking his money and letting him stall for more time with you will be doing the same thing. You need to live on your own independently of him, to be happy. I really like your signature line by the way. Good luck.
fooled once Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 So....here we are again. I am posting because I need advice. I have been in limited NC.. (text only for 2 months). In the past 14 months I have not worked because he wanted me to be able to travel with him as much as possible. I did that and with living expenses drained my savings. So now I am starting back to school fulltime and I have no savings left... he still hasn't left his wife and I feel I've wasted the past year and almost a half. He has offered to help me with finances to the point where he gave me 3k and is offereing another 2k to get me established for school. I almost feel he owes this to me and more since I had a job offer I didn't take a year ago that would have paid me nicely ... so I could travel with him. Yet.. I want to cut him off completely but I almost want to wait until he helps me... and this makes me feel like a bad person... yet he is the one who has lied to me... telling me he would leave his wife and we would be together. So what do I do? HELP. ??? Really .... he "made" you not take a job so you could travel with him? How did he do this? YOU chose to not work. YOU chose to travel with him. YOU chose to deplete your savings account. Now, instead of working, you are choosing school. YOU believed words instead of actions. YOU are taking money from someone - money that belongs to him and HIS WIFE. Do you have any feelings of remorse for that? You think he OWES you because YOU chose to not take the job? You say you want to cut him off; yet you are taking money from him? Do you value yourself? I am just astounded that you are so cavalier about all this - blaming him and feeling as if he OWES you something. Didn't you catch on that he was a liar when he lied to his wife; lied to her by not dealing with their marital issues and instead choosing an affair? My personal opinion is that he doesn't deserve for you to be giving him this much control. He's not just asking you to wait or give your heart, he is robbing you of your life. If you have to rely on him financially and he prevents you from working you will never be able to discover who you are without him. Cutting ties and not allowing him to pay for anything is the only way you will grow independently. I think that is something you owe yourself, and to be honest it will probably make him love and respect you that much more for putting yourself first. His ego will see that you don't NEED him and it will drive him crazy, but you don't deserve false promises. If he's going to take action that bruise to his pride and seeing what life is without you at his beckon call may be the push he needs. How exactly is HE robbing her of her life? She is making choices. She can say no. How is her decisions his responsibility? She is responsible for her actions; no one else. Who cares what HE thinks - he isn't leaving his wife. HE is choosing his wife over his mistress. Shouldn't she have enough respect for herself first instead of worrying about him respecting her (which he is not doing in the first place by not leaving his wife). If he loves her, and wants to be with her, it shouldn' be because of deception or 'showing him she doesn't need him'. Sorry, those are games to me. If this is a true love/commitment relationship, games shouldn't be played to "get him to leave". If he wanted to leave, he would. But he is not. So instead of the OP wasting another 1.5 years waiting; she needs to get on with her OWN life -- which means paying for her OWN things. At least that is MY opinion.
pureinheart Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 So....here we are again. I am posting because I need advice. I have been in limited NC.. (text only for 2 months). In the past 14 months I have not worked because he wanted me to be able to travel with him as much as possible. I did that and with living expenses drained my savings. So now I am starting back to school fulltime and I have no savings left... he still hasn't left his wife and I feel I've wasted the past year and almost a half. He has offered to help me with finances to the point where he gave me 3k and is offereing another 2k to get me established for school. I almost feel he owes this to me and more since I had a job offer I didn't take a year ago that would have paid me nicely ... so I could travel with him. Yet.. I want to cut him off completely but I almost want to wait until he helps me... and this makes me feel like a bad person... yet he is the one who has lied to me... telling me he would leave his wife and we would be together. So what do I do? HELP. Hi JG, I don't have much advice, just experience to share with you. I know this is a different type of R, although I was engaged to an extremely generous man that was fairly well off. I moved in with him which totally went against my convictions concerning living together. I was afraid I would loose him as he was about to enter into a particular "training" that would take most of his time and unless I was living with him, there was little chance we would see each other. We lived in an area equivalent to the Beverly Hills area, I had everything anyone could want or ask for...although my heart was in constant turmoil and we were not getting along. The stress of his training caused him to be extremely abusive, and I retaliated with the same. I moved out the same day I got laid off, I had little money, but didn't care. He wanted to pay my bills, although I did not feel right about that. Please keep in mind, I am an extremely independant person and my exh's tried to use money to "disipline" me, to try to control me by not supporting the kids...I have a middle finger and used it quite frequently back in those days. Nobody will control me with anything. Now my exfiance was not like this, although the majority feel that if they give another something then there is an expectation of a "return"...FTR, this is not true giving. I don't take much of anything, and am a very responsible giver (now, I had to learn the hard way). Your finances will be ok with or with out him...you made a wrong choice, and that is ok...I can't even begin to tell you ALL of the mistakes I've made and everything always turns out ok...your not a bad person BTW:)....take care... 1
carhill Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 So what do I do? Consider this experience to be a very well-funded lesson at relationship U and graduate from this dynamic, move on with your life and the lessons you've learned here. Funding your own move by whatever means available to you, not including him, will serve as an important first step. In the future, if you choose such relationships, negotiate the business aspects of them, meaning money, up front. Men who routinely keep mistresses (as opposed to having affairs) provide them with a comfortable and secure life. This doesn't happen by accident. It's negotiated. Presume any such involvement is a mistress situation unless the man has legal separation papers with a court seal indicating otherwise. Short-term, leaving this man will have financial implications, and will likely cause you to re-prioritize and/or delay certain aspects of your life, but the result will be *your* life. Since you were a healthy, vital woman with financial independence before this affair began, you can be again. One day at a time
turnstone Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I so want to encourage you to take him for every penny you can and dump him straight after. It may teach him a lesson even if you don't learn anything from it. However, I doubt he'll come through with the funds and it'll be just one more period of time you'll have wasted.
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