Shambler Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Hi all, I am new here. Looking for help and you all seem like a very nice mob so I will jump in with my sordid story right away. I seperated from my spouse 2 years ago. It was always a tension fraught marriage and it never worked - for me. It did for him. The sex was bad. To the point that physical contact was repulsive for me and I cried in the bathroom everytime we made love. I had a fling 3 years ago. Stupid of me. And the guy did a runner and I was left picking up the pieces, apologizing for the hurt I caused. We agreed to give the marriage another go. I should never have, because I was still hurting. The sex was still bad. The tension was worse - and I take full responsibility of this. Around the same time, I met someone else who I had known for a long time. He was nice and attentive. He was also in love with me. I accepted his attentions. I seperated from my spouse. Decided to keep the option of leaving and going back open. Nothing changed on the home front. Nothing that made me want to go back - still the same fights. I made my decision to move on with the current partner. The spouse has taken this very very hard. He tells me routinely how much I hurt him. I KNOW this, I hate myself for it but the marriage was killing me. The fights were killing me. The sex was killing me. He refuses to accept this. He says he forgave me and I cheated again. I did. I have no justifications. He reminds me of how much he still loves me, how he always put me first and yet how I walked out. I have a son. I have always been a good mother to my son. A bad wife and a good mother. And the spouse didnt want anyone to know we were seperated (because of my affairs) so we led a facade for the last few years. Now, we are at seperating point and he cannot take it anymore. Neither can I. The other man has been fantastic the last 3 years. This is more than a need to satisfy sexual urges (we didnt even sleep together till recently). He understands me, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel alive and well. He wants to marry me. He wants to be around for my son. My spouse has collected info on the calls I made, the times I went out and says he knows I cheated. I neither deny nor confirm. I am stuck. I dont know where to go from here and I feel so depressed and so terrible that I wish I could just never wake up. What do I do now? Sorry for the ramble, but I needed to write this. Perhaps there is hope for me. Perhaps not. But thanks for reading. Peace, The Shambler
Untouchable_Fire Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Decided to keep the option of leaving and going back open. Nothing changed on the home front. Nothing that made me want to go back - still the same fights. I made my decision to move on with the current partner. The spouse has taken this very very hard. Make it official. File papers. I have a son. I have always been a good mother to my son. A bad wife and a good mother. And the spouse didnt want anyone to know we were seperated (because of my affairs) so we led a facade for the last few years. Now, we are at seperating point and he cannot take it anymore. Neither can I. One of the most important things you will teach your son is how to be in a relationship. He will learn by watching... and what he is watching does not seem to be good. So... I would say as a mother your failing in an important area that could hurt your sons ability to have healthy relationships. That said... no mother is perfect.... well except maybe mine. My spouse has collected info on the calls I made, the times I went out and says he knows I cheated. I neither deny nor confirm. I am stuck. I dont know where to go from here and I feel so depressed and so terrible that I wish I could just never wake up. What do I do now? Your separated. It's partly your fault for not getting the process started, but mostly your H is a douche for trying to hang on when it's clearly over. It's time you cut him free... he won't do it himself.
jnj express Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 The man you are with who you think is so wonderful is a homewrecker----he cheated with a married woman---- You may have not been getting along---but it certainly was not your son's fault, and now what have you done to him---he will become a pawn---to be shuttled back and forth Get your divorce move on, and do the best you can for your son----AND AT THIS POINT DO NOT SET UP HOUSE WITH YOUR CHEATING LOVER WHO WRECKS HOMES
Trojan John Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I agree that you should have divorced already, but I don't think the OM is a homewrecker. The fault in actions lie with you, like you mentioned. Your marriage sounds like it was over a LONG time ago, though. I have a friend in a similar situation. You just need to find the strength to move on. Better for yourself and for your son.
jmargel Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 You don't leave a marriage for another persion, you leave it because there is either abuse or incompatibility between the spouses. That being said, if you are totally done with your husband, emotionally then file the paperwork. Get all your accounts into your name and start living life like a divorced woman. By not doing this you are giving your husband false hope, he is looking into every little thing you say or do and is mentally twisting it so that it gives him some hope. He needs counseling and IMO you do as well. He needs to be able to move on. You also have to figure out for yourself on why YOU cheated. You didn't cheat because of your husband, that's an excuse not a reason. You also owe this to your new man if you don't want what happened, to happen again. If you do actually feel depressed, seek help right away. You are not a bad person for the way this has all happened. We have all made mistakes, but once you start to deal with it in the right way, you will help yourself out so much more than you think.
bestplayer Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Hi all, I am new here. Looking for help and you all seem like a very nice mob so I will jump in with my sordid story right away. I seperated from my spouse 2 years ago. It was always a tension fraught marriage and it never worked - for me. It did for him. The sex was bad. To the point that physical contact was repulsive for me and I cried in the bathroom everytime we made love. I had a fling 3 years ago. Stupid of me. And the guy did a runner and I was left picking up the pieces, apologizing for the hurt I caused. We agreed to give the marriage another go. I should never have, because I was still hurting. The sex was still bad. The tension was worse - and I take full responsibility of this. Around the same time, I met someone else who I had known for a long time. He was nice and attentive. He was also in love with me. I accepted his attentions. I seperated from my spouse. Decided to keep the option of leaving and going back open. Nothing changed on the home front. Nothing that made me want to go back - still the same fights. I made my decision to move on with the current partner. The spouse has taken this very very hard. He tells me routinely how much I hurt him. I KNOW this, I hate myself for it but the marriage was killing me. The fights were killing me. The sex was killing me. He refuses to accept this. He says he forgave me and I cheated again. I did. I have no justifications. He reminds me of how much he still loves me, how he always put me first and yet how I walked out. I have a son. I have always been a good mother to my son. A bad wife and a good mother. And the spouse didnt want anyone to know we were seperated (because of my affairs) so we led a facade for the last few years. Now, we are at seperating point and he cannot take it anymore. Neither can I. The other man has been fantastic the last 3 years. This is more than a need to satisfy sexual urges (we didnt even sleep together till recently). He understands me, he makes me laugh, he makes me feel alive and well. He wants to marry me. He wants to be around for my son. My spouse has collected info on the calls I made, the times I went out and says he knows I cheated. I neither deny nor confirm. I am stuck. I dont know where to go from here and I feel so depressed and so terrible that I wish I could just never wake up. What do I do now? Sorry for the ramble, but I needed to write this. Perhaps there is hope for me. Perhaps not. But thanks for reading. Peace, The Shambler ".......The sex was bad. To the point that physical contact was repulsive for me and I cried in the bathroom everytime we made love............" ok so in stead of looking for professional help for your issues in M you decided to cheat on your spouse for more than once . May I ask you if you were so repulsed by your spouse , why did you marry him ?
painfullyobvious Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 You are obviously hurting and need to exit this relationship if you cannot even stand to be touched by tghis individual. You went about it the wrong way in cheating but try to learn from your mistakes in this relationship. I would not put tioo much stake in your current relationship with the other man as I see this as an escape from your marriage. Once the marriage is over and husband is out of the picture in the form of all contact I think you need to work on your own issues instead of beginning to immediately look at this fantastic relationship. Our mind tends to look at other people in a more positive light when we are hurting or in a poor relationship
Author Shambler Posted September 28, 2010 Author Posted September 28, 2010 Dear all, Thanks for your help. Why did I marry him if the sex was so bad? - I did not sleep with him before I married him. Waited to be married first. It was a spur of the moment thing, I knew him for 6 months and then got married very young. Yeah, I am not kidding anyone by accepting the cheating - I cheated, no justifications here. However (and there are people like me in the world), I had never worked up the courage to leave before I met the OM. I was too scared. I had no idea what to do or who to go to. I would get fits of depression and cry and wonder about killing myself to escape this marriage. I am not making myself out to be a martyr - just stating the sad facts. When I met the OM, I found some of jadedness disappearing. I seperated soon after I met him and have been living on my own for 2 years now. I still am very much involved in my son's life and look after me and spend nearly all my free time with him. The OM, and I am not about to justify how much he has helped me, is understanding of this fact. The OM asked me to get counselling (and paid for it because I couldnt afford it) and helped me set up house. I have become a better mother after the seperation. A part of me understands that this marriage has to end. But try as I can, I cannot forgive myself for the guilt. If I had not met the OM, I would have suffered in my marriage. I met him, found the courage to move on. I do realize that he was the catalyst but not the cause for the breakup. But the guilt is killing me. To the point where when the spouse calls and tells me how much I have hurt him, I feel that I should just kill myself to save the world of further trouble. The OM has been telling me to stop taking these calls, move on and get more counselling - he has been driving me around because I feel incapable of simple actions. But I feel like I do not deserve any help or love. I am a terrible person and wish to atone I am probably not making sense - but thanks for reading people. Peace, Shambler
BB07 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 Dear all, Thanks for your help. Why did I marry him if the sex was so bad? - I did not sleep with him before I married him. Waited to be married first. It was a spur of the moment thing, I knew him for 6 months and then got married very young. Yeah, I am not kidding anyone by accepting the cheating - I cheated, no justifications here. However (and there are people like me in the world), I had never worked up the courage to leave before I met the OM. I was too scared. I had no idea what to do or who to go to. I would get fits of depression and cry and wonder about killing myself to escape this marriage. I am not making myself out to be a martyr - just stating the sad facts. When I met the OM, I found some of jadedness disappearing. I seperated soon after I met him and have been living on my own for 2 years now. I still am very much involved in my son's life and look after me and spend nearly all my free time with him. The OM, and I am not about to justify how much he has helped me, is understanding of this fact. The OM asked me to get counselling (and paid for it because I couldnt afford it) and helped me set up house. I have become a better mother after the seperation. A part of me understands that this marriage has to end. But try as I can, I cannot forgive myself for the guilt. If I had not met the OM, I would have suffered in my marriage. I met him, found the courage to move on. I do realize that he was the catalyst but not the cause for the breakup. But the guilt is killing me. To the point where when the spouse calls and tells me how much I have hurt him, I feel that I should just kill myself to save the world of further trouble. The OM has been telling me to stop taking these calls, move on and get more counselling - he has been driving me around because I feel incapable of simple actions. But I feel like I do not deserve any help or love. I am a terrible person and wish to atone I am probably not making sense - but thanks for reading people. Peace, Shambler Stop beating yourself up hon, you made mistakes but you were young and ignorant in ways. You've grown up now and you realize that what you did was wrong, so stop punishing yourself. Enough is enough! Continue being the good woman you are now and stop talking to the ex, you aren't doing yourself or him any good. Has it ever occurred to you that your spouse is using your guilt against you? You aren't with him, so stop letting him have this power over you. You hurt him, well he hurt you too, so call it done and move on.
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