datura_noir Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected.
bentnotbroken Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Perfect reaction...hmm. Toughie. I suppose it could be they slink off into to the darkness somewhere never to breathe the air that WS and AP share again. Or it could be they all become the best of pals for the sake of everyone involved. Or it could be that WS and AP disappear in a cloud of dust never to be seen or heard from again. Or BS taking the WS to the cleaners emotionally and financially if you like the revenge scenario. My most desirable action was not to end up in jail and no one end up dead. Worked for us.
porter218 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I remember on my second D day with my xH I had a long talk with his OW before he even knew I had found out. I was impressed with my calm reaction to her and she was too. We spent an hr on the phone uncovering many many lies and had a laugh or two about his unbelievable behavior then I told her I hope she had spare room in her house because I was now handing him over to her . I told her have fun, he isn't my problem anymore. Of coarse when I finally talked with him it was waaay more dramatic and my calm facade faded...but I must admit though I handled it pretty well.... for the moment at least.
Tayla Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 sidenote here: What are the acroynms? WS/BS/OP? Sorry but in order to understand the structure of the inquiry I need the long typed words to get the characters involved. I do know OP (original Poster) ..or OW ( other women) , But I am clueless on the other ones...WS in my world meant Wife swapper but I doubt that is what that means...Tried to find a sticky on this forum ...no luck.
thomasb Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Well, I think my wife had the perfect reaction. When I confessed she didn't cut off anything that was critically important to reconciliation! Actually, she was calm, and very cool. As ice. Then she asked me to leave, changed the locks on the house and made an appointment with a lawyer. Then she called me at work and told me she really hoped that I had a place to stay since my clothes were in the garage. It took two weeks to even get her to talk to me. A month to get her to consider counselling. And after that 3 times a week for a month, she let me move back to stay in the den. With a list of conditions which believe me I have since followed to the letter. It took me about 2 hours after leaving my house to realize what I had done, and exactly what and who I did not want to lose.
Ann_Igma Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 sidenote here: What are the acroynms? WS/BS/OP? Sorry but in order to understand the structure of the inquiry I need the long typed words to get the characters involved. I do know OP (original Poster) ..or OW ( other women) , But I am clueless on the other ones...WS in my world meant Wife swapper but I doubt that is what that means...Tried to find a sticky on this forum ...no luck. WS - wandering/wayward spouse, BS - betrayed spouse OP - other person (sometimes original poster) You can find any others here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t228723/ I think in the height of their fantasy get-together chats, my H and the fOW thought it'd be ideal if I moved back home and instantly met some new guy and we would all live happily ever after.
seren Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. As a BS I hope I handled it as well as I could. I know OW hoped I would be so peed off I would leave as H wasn't going anywhere. H hoped I would sort it all out, although he hadn't really thought through the mechanics of a D Day. If I had thought the A was based on love, then I would have left and hope I would do it with dignity and not resort to too many histronics. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected. Ah now, this is what I found hard to understand. I expected I would shout, kick him out, seek revenge on OW, be a complete and utter bitch, so did my friends and were so very, very suprised I even let him stay in the house. Thing is, the A was what it was, the OW cleared up a lot of things for me and to be honest she could have spun me a whole load of crap, but she didn't. I hadn't expected to feel so devastated, nor had I expected to feel so sorry for H (took me by suprise) nor did I realise how much capacity I had to forgive. Everyone thinks D Day is all about the A, for us it was about our marriage and its future. I had been one of the very smug married womene who thought not me, and had thought when it had happened to others that they should be getting on with things now - D Day soon took care of my smugness and my idea of what it felt like to know your H had an A and the sheer hurt a person could feel. Edited September 27, 2010 by seren I swear I will master the quote thingy better
PegNosePete Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 If I were to have another D-day, I can tell you exactly what my reaction will be. Get the hell out.
jennie-jennie Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Well, I think my wife had the perfect reaction. When I confessed she didn't cut off anything that was critically important to reconciliation! Actually, she was calm, and very cool. As ice. Then she asked me to leave, changed the locks on the house and made an appointment with a lawyer. Then she called me at work and told me she really hoped that I had a place to stay since my clothes were in the garage. It took two weeks to even get her to talk to me. A month to get her to consider counselling. And after that 3 times a week for a month, she let me move back to stay in the den. With a list of conditions which believe me I have since followed to the letter. It took me about 2 hours after leaving my house to realize what I had done, and exactly what and who I did not want to lose. It would be very interesting if you would share that list of conditions, as to find out what is required for a WS to reconcile with his wife.
Owl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I would say that I think Thomasb's wife's response was pretty close to what I personally consider a perfect reaction by a BS. Figure out your goal (reconcile or otherwise). Take action to achieve your goal. If the goal is reconciliation, then set boundaries, enforce boundaries, and set clear requirements for what you will consider for reconciliation and don't deviate from those. Jennie, in my case my requirements were simple. 1. NC with OM, for life. He had to be removed from our lives completely. 2. "Open book" honesty for as long as it took for her to demonstrate trustworthiness and truthfullness. That included email/phone/etc... 3. IC for both of us, to help us sort through the issues that led to this and to deal with the issues created by her EA. 4. MC for the both of us to work through what went wrong in our marriage and to fix it. 5. Longer term, she had to develop stronger 'boundaries' when interacting with men/opposite sex friends. She had to learn how to communicate in ways that didn't risk developing emotional attachments either way. She met (and in many ways exceeded) all of these requirements over time. Hope this helps give you a little insight.
Rashad Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected. what are these?
thomasb Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Owl, that's a pretty good summation of my wife's list also.
Owl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 For those without the playbook, here's a list of the acronyms and definitions commonly used here on the LS infidelity and OW/OM forums: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=228723
Spark1111 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected. I threw him out and told him to go get her. I kept the doors locked and was "out" when he had to pick up his clothes. I told my children if this is who their father wanted in his life, to be kind to her. I told our children that this is the only father they would ever have; that I believed he loved them and to not take sides. It would be okay. I would talk to him about common family issues when he called (and boy, did he start calling a lot), but refused to talk of "us" or any future "us." I also told him that I would prefer a mediator to an attorney, and would willingly sell the house and split whatever assets amicably so we could move on. I wished him well. I got busy creating a new life for myself, one that did not include an "us." He thought, as he has since told me, that he'd get beaten up a bit, but I would happily stay "for his paycheck," and it would all go back to normal. Translation: Wife and mistress on the side. He forgot who he married. OW? Based on their texts, I can only venture that she had hoped he would choose her (Understandably so!) Was quietly shocked by his total reversal, but remained supportive of his attempts to "make it work" while probably dying inside. My heart broke for her too! Three months later, (because I felt so sorry for him, he was a mess!) my conditions were: IC and MC. No guarantee of a future with me. I wasn't sure if I could trust him ever again and told him so. Interestingly enough, I did not institute a NC policy. I needed him to do that on his own. He did.
Owl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Owl, that's a pretty good summation of my wife's list also. I think that these are pretty "standard" requirements for most BS's. And when they're really enforced, they do tend to work to end the affair and get the marriage on track...or identify that the affair isn't going to end and get the divorce on track.
Spark1111 Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected. Oh, as an aside.....Yes, I do believe the OW and my fWS thought this wouln't be such a big deal, right? Because: I didn't really love him; was in it for the the perks and status quo; he stayed for the kids only; we never had sex, right? He told her he wanted to reach his financial goals and take care of her and her son forever. So I often think of what the hell was running through this poor woman's mind as my H is now crying at her kitchen table, just miserable in not being in his home with "his family." Family is grown, baby away at college. She had to have concluded it was me, not "the kids" he needed to get back to. And I told him what a cowardly thing to do: In an attempt to let her down gently, it was so wrong, wrong, wrong.
PegNosePete Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I think that these are pretty "standard" requirements for most BS's. And when they're really enforced, they do tend to work to end the affair and get the marriage on track...or identify that the affair isn't going to end and get the divorce on track. Yeah my wife wouldn't stick to your rule #1 so I showed her the door!
Owl Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Yeah my wife wouldn't stick to your rule #1 so I showed her the door! It took my wife about 3-4 weeks to get it right. For the first few weeks, we'd go to MC and she'd try to tell the MC that her and OM weren't communicating...and then I'd point out that they WERE communicating, but she'd try to play it off by saying "Well, now we've stopped talking". Then go home and IM him again. Since I knew that they were fighting and arguing in their communication, I kinda figured that it was actually working for me. I kept the pressure up, refused to let her lie about it, and basically tolerated the indecision for about a month. Then I put a stop to it completely. She had a choice...marriage or divorce. Marriage to me meant OM was out of her life forever. Divorce meant that I was out of her life forever. She made her choice, and stuck with it ever since.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I have been reading here the last two days, esp the thread on BS/OP being alike. I want to pose a question: What do you think would be the most desirable response/action from a BS on discovering the affair (DDay)? I want to know from all sides: WS/BS/OP. I know only my own experience, so I am curious to see what others have to offer. You may also state what response from a BS SHOULD or WOULD be expected. depends on what the BS plans to do, or what type of person they are. IMO, what happens, and certainly happened with me, is that on D-day, I became depressed, desperation set in at the thought of having to choose between keeping my kids in the home and staying with a cheater, or getting a divorce. So initially I wanted to stay with my kids in my home. but after thinking clearly, divorce was my only option because I despised her after that. She was no longer the person I married. so the perfect reaction to me from a BS? Kick their asses out. But if a BS is of the mindset that they want to keep the marriage...then kick the cheater out and let them ponder whether they are about to lose everything. If you are talking from a WS point of view, I'm sure their idea of the perfect response would be simple initial dissappointment, but then they would just get over it.
thomasb Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I had to quit my job, (per NC). I hated it anyway. I went back to finish my degree. Best decision I've ever made. Now I am doing something I enjoy. But, complete NC is the essential ingredient no matter what it takes to accomplish it.
thomasb Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 (edited) 10 characters.... Edited September 27, 2010 by thomasb double post
Snowflower Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 Oh, as an aside.....Yes, I do believe the OW and my fWS thought this wouln't be such a big deal, right? Because: I didn't really love him; was in it for the the perks and status quo; he stayed for the kids only; we never had sex, right? He told her he wanted to reach his financial goals and take care of her and her son forever. IMO, the WS and the AP have a very different concept about what D-day will be like or mean in the long-term. Sort of like what you mention above, Spark. Like it will be no big deal because the BS doesn't really love them (the WS) anyway. I know my husband thought this was true so he didn't understand my disbelief and shock when he told me. He figured I wouldn't really care all that much. It's part of the affairyland fantasy that is needed to maintain the affair.
thomasb Posted September 27, 2010 Posted September 27, 2010 I really didn't know how much my wife loved me or how much pain an affair would cause until after I confessed the affair either.
porter218 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 It would be very interesting if you would share that list of conditions, as to find out what is required for a WS to reconcile with his wife. I could tell you what me conditions would be for my WS/xH. He would have to be in a box six feet under:lmao:
porter218 Posted September 28, 2010 Posted September 28, 2010 I really didn't know how much my wife loved me or how much pain an affair would cause until after I confessed the affair either. Oh it's hard to say the least Thomasb! I tried to give mine a second chance, I really did love him dearly. That pain is like no other. Good luck to you guys. I am happy you are trying so hard:)
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