It's Done

[liannemr]

I understand that its over and I am looking forward to healing and living a life that is full of happiness and peace. He caused me 8 years of heartache and pain. and he did it again for the last time.

 

I understand the NC rule and have just today established it. I no longer care about his threats to my campaign or reputation. I no longer care about public image. I don't even care that he lied to me for the past 6 months, taking me away from all of my family and friends. I just don't want to hear from him ever again. I don't want to see his face. I don't want to hear his voice. I don't want to have sex with him. I don't want to be touched by him. I don't want to have dinner. I don't want to have a drink. I don't want to talk business. I don't want to deal with his crazy family and their issues. I don't want to be friends with the drunk bar flies he likes to hang out with. I don't want to smell him or look in his dead eyes. I don't want to waste my valuable time trying to make him understand ethics and fairness. I don't want to hear about his "friendships" with other women that turn out to be more than he is willing to tell me about. I don't want to walk his dogs or feed his cats or make him coffee. i dont want our old pictures, i don't want to hear about his day or work. i hate him actually..

 

for all the times he physically abused me, verbally assaulted me and emotionally trounced on me. i hate him for playing on my compassion and commitment to our relationship when he knew all along that our relationship was based on his need for control, greed and deception,

 

i hate him for wasting 8 years of my life trying to love his alcoholic self and for all the stolen opportunities having him in my life has cost me.

I hate him for the sexual games he played with my head and all the degrading things i did for him.

 

more than anything..i hate that i did all this willingly and stayed faithful when i knew that i should run. i hate myself for giving the good in me to someone who never deserved it to begin with. i hate that i tried to make him see that i was worthy of his love and not seeing that he was just trying to control me with the "jump thru this hoop" game.

 

I am happy to have found this forum. I need strength and friendship and folks who understand. I can't afford a therapist and I just need to know that I am not alone in the pain that i am feeling at the loss of what i thought was a perfect love affair. i am mourning that loss while realizing that it never existed to begin with. it was all a game he was running.

why he felt the need to continue it for 8 years, including this past 2 years when i finally had the courage to move 1900 miles away from him, i have no idea. i was gone. why did he lie to get me to come back. I hate him for that. i hate myself more for even believing him to begin with.

i am humiated and embarassed and angry that this latest woman of his is my total opposite. She has health problems and lives with her father in his home. She's 45 years old and has pretty much drank herself into the poor health that she is in.

He spent the last 2 years telling me to be independent and stand on my own. Funny thing about that. I paid his bills, my bills, furnished 2 houses and build "our" business to the point that i am financially comfortable...

so why pick her? why pick someone who can't care for herself due to the alcohol abuse and the lifestyle she has chosen to leave.

So yeah I feel cheated and have no idea why. He hasn't done anything nice for me and even after i arrived back in state, he didn't bother to come help me move into the new place. he actually only visited once and was obviously angry that i had furnished it without the benefit of his toss out third hand furniture he wanted me to take. I did it on my own without his help and support and it made him angry!

Why do i feel like i want to run in the other room, grab my cell and text him how sorry i am and how i will be better? That's the whole thing about this that confuses me and that i am struggling with.

I hate him for the torture he has dished out on me yet at the same time have this lingering hope he will change and we can have the life that we both agreed we wanted with each other.

why now? why did he self destruct again? or maybe he never stopped, i just didn't see for the blinders that i was wearing that said he was a normal man capable of changing for the better and doing the right thing.

my expectations got me in trouble.

my expectations that he loved me despite repeatedly telling me that he could not commit to a marriage but wanted me in his life till his last lying breath.

my expectations that he could be trusted with the innermost secrets that i hold.

my expectations that he could stop drinking. he could have feelings. he could be sorry for what he had done to me all these years.

wtf was i thinking?

i guess i was looking for the good in the man that i loved. unfortunately, for me, that good never existed. if it does, it is deeply buried in his preference to control his life to the point that he has no control.

i don't want to see him fail. honestly, i don't. i do care about the human being he is. but i can't help but want to stay in his life long enough to see the irs freeze his bank accounts for non filing and non payment of the 6k he owes them. you see, for 5 years he had me convinced that our love was more committed than a legal marriage license could be. We filed married filing jointly and he kept the irs refunds in his personal checking account. Amounts he would not have gotten because he had no dependents. He used me and my child for his write offs and i let him keep the money because he said it was for "living expenses". Seems I've always been paying living expenses while he pays none.

My emotions are off the chart and i realize i am purging here trying to find some moment of peace and acceptance that this pain will go away.

i am so angry that i paid for his cell phone so he could cheat on me. i plan on stopping the automatic draft for last month's bill first thing monday morning. If I cant because he has locked me out of the account, then I will just pull the money out of the bank first thing so the account will go negative. He will have to pay one way or another.

I need some dignity and the thought of not paying his cell phone bill might give me some self respect back.

Today I am mourning and I am grieving. Having felt his touch all night long only to have my world turned upside down by this woman who he declares he does not have any feelings for nor does he have any sexual desire for.

I am sickened at what I know we did this morning before i left to come spend the day preparing for work tomorrow.

I am exhausted and worn out emotionally.

i find no joy in anything today.

 

Is there hope for me? or is this the kind of pain i am going to feel forever?

i know there is a brighter future without him in it. I just want to get there and stay strong. I want to be able to walk away from this poison he has put inside my heart and soul.

i loved him so completely.

 

thanks for letting me rant...

i might be able to breathe soon

[GrayClouds]

It is time to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself with the love and compassion you have used on people who did not deserve it. It sounds easy but it will not be. Likely it is easier for you to help others more then yourself but now its your time to care for YOU.

 

I suggest picking up some books to help you. One is "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" . It has some helpful advice and exercises to help you move on. The other is "Women, Sex, and Addiction: A Search for Love and Power" Even though it may not be 100% about your situation, it has some powerful chapters about co-dependency that will help give you some insight about your choices and behaviors in this realtionship. For as bad as a person your guy seem to be, for some reason you did not believe you deserve better, this is something that you have to figure out why if you really want the life you deserve.

 

Congratulations on making a big first step in discovering your worth. Keep working hard at it, you deserve it.

[You Go Girl]

i hate him for wasting 8 years of my life trying to love his alcoholic self and for all the stolen opportunities having him in my life has cost me.

I hate him for the sexual games he played with my head and all the degrading things i did for him.

 

 

i hate myself more for even believing him to begin with.

 

Why do i feel like i want to run in the other room, grab my cell and text him how sorry i am and how i will be better? That's the whole thing about this that confuses me and that i am struggling with.

I hate him for the torture he has dished out on me yet at the same time have this lingering hope he will change and we can have the life that we both agreed we wanted with each other.

why now? why did he self destruct again? or maybe he never stopped, i just didn't see for the blinders that i was wearing that said he was a normal man capable of changing for the better and doing the right thing.

my expectations got me in trouble.

my expectations that he could stop drinking. he could have feelings. he could be sorry for what he had done to me all these years.

wtf was i thinking?

i guess i was looking for the good in the man that i loved. unfortunately, for me, that good never existed. if it does, it is deeply buried in his preference to control his life to the point that he has no control.

 

 

I am sickened at what I know we did this morning before i left to come spend the day preparing for work tomorrow.

I am exhausted and worn out emotionally.

i find no joy in anything today.

 

Is there hope for me? or is this the kind of pain i am going to feel forever?

i know there is a brighter future without him in it. I just want to get there and stay strong. I want to be able to walk away from this poison he has put inside my heart and soul.

i loved him so completely.

 

thanks for letting me rant...

i might be able to breathe soon

 

A lot of ground to cover here...!

 

First off, stop seeing this man. It is toxic to you. Do I understand right that you were with him sexually this morning?

You have to quit that. It is just going to mess with any progress you might start to make, and set you back to square one.

You don't want to continue this relationship! It is toxic to you. You don't want to text him, because nothing will come of it but more drama, perhaps more 'make-up sex' and more torture, same old stuff, status quo.

Read my thread if you need to see a repeat.

The man needs to fix his alcohol problem on his own. He's no good to anybody until he does. Yes, that includes YOU.

The sexual problem is related very much to the alcohol problem. I know, been there, did that. They are separate, but part of the same twisted psychology. I was very uncomfortable with both the alcohol and acting out sexual things in my marriage. It's just about over now, divorce.

 

You can't fix somebody else, you can only fix YOU.

Find an al-anon meeting. If you're not religious, it's ok, you will meet others who are not. Don't think you have to follow the steps in a religious sense. If the meeting location you find is all strict Christians, try another location. I went to 5 or 6 locations before I knew which meeting location had the right crowd for me.

Point of al-anon is to work on you. Give it a try for a couple months. If it feels crippling, you'll know it, and you'll stop going. But even a few months really can help. Just don't expect immediate progress. It does take a good 10 meetings or so for the stuff to really start to stick and sink in, and for you to see that others at these meetings do have wisdom to share with you. You'll learn to listen, and then you'll really learn from what they are saying.

First thing is to keep that NC. If you break it...it's back to the drama circus.

 

Keep posting!

[liannemr]

Is it possible to ever recover?

 

Yes, we were together sexually night before last. It was incredible. 3x incredible, matter of fact. When I left for the day, he kissed me goodbye and I couldn't help but notice the total lack of life in his eyes.

 

It is the alcohol. I have watched him deteriorate into a sub human being and become one of the most vilest evil beings.

Why I even agreed to go back to his place, I don't know.

 

I had actually moved on and for almost a month, I was able to commit myself to having a life without him in it. In fact, I joined a gym (he told me i was wasting my money), went back to church (he mocked my faith), focused on work and started expanding the business and had made new friends.

 

It was actually a week ago last Sunday when he texted me about one of my friends picture on FB. Next thing I know, I'm over at his place and we're back at it. Sunday, Monday and Wednesday.

 

Things were good. Things were awesome and although I knew we had a lot of work ahead of us, we were able to talk. Well, at least that's what I told myself.

Immediately after being intimate on Wednesday night, he tells me that he stopped enjoying sex with me after the first year we were together while he is demanding a back rub. I knew he had been drinking before I got there that night but he didn't seem wasted. I was hurt and got up to leave when he demanded I come back to bed. I told him then I wasn't playing these head games and I wasn't a "fwb". He snuggled up to me and I thought I had made my point. Guess I was looking for sanity where there wasn't any. By 2 am he was up going to the bathroom and when he came back in the bedroom, he turned on the light, saw me laying in bed and asked "what are you doing here? when did you get here?". I laid quietly in bed crying, wondering what had I done.

I left swearing that it was over and done. I would never subject myself to that abuse again.

Saturday night, we had dinner and he wanted me to come back to his place. I did only to finish the conversation (and i really wanted closure) and we ended up in bed together again. What a fool I was!

 

Come to find out, i was nothing more than a human sperm receptacle and i meant nothing to him. my feelings, my emotions...none of that mattered. he wanted to hurt me and destroy me (his words, not mine).

 

Now here it is 130 am in the morning and I can't sleep. I want revenge. I want to take back what was stolen from me. I want to hurt him as badly as I am hurting. I've laid in bed for the past couple of hours planning each and every way I can hurt him. Put sugar in the gas tank of the motorcycle we bought that he rides solo. Take all the cash that he has hidden in the house to replace all the money I have spent on him (22k), stop payment on the cell phone bill that he used to cheat on me with, change the vmail messages to let other callers know that he is a liar and cheat and will potentially destroy any woman that comes in his life, call his ex girlfriend who tried to warn me about him and let her know that he's available but that even viagra has a hard time working with him.

Then i cry..i cry for the loss of the love that we shared, for the good times we had, for the end of a friendship...

i have really awesome friends and family who have seen this go on and who are now here for me but i find myself feeling so alone that even the comfort of those in my life who are confident that i can recover is not enough to stem the tide of emotions that are coursing through me.

 

i go from angry to hurt to scared to indifferent all in the matter of seconds.

mainly angry..for allowing myself to let him steal my life from me. It was my choice to put myself in this position and no matter how much he sweet talked his way back into my life and how much i wanted to believe he wanted to do the right thing by us and for himself, i knew deep down that once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. It was my choice that cost me dearly this time.

Yeah, his responsibility to be honest with me and with himself but he is a vile man who only wanted to ensure he had control of someone and he didn't care how he had to get it as long as he got it.

He has cost me more than I can ever hope to recover.

I just hope i survive this.

 

thanks for the replies, i need them right now. I had already given thought to finding a codependency group. It was the book "co dependent no more" that gave me the courage to leave him the first time. I thought i had beat the dependency. I actually stayed in another state for a year and a half before letting him talk me into coming back. He had told me he had stopped drinking and that if I was here, it would be easier for us to see each other and work on us. So, like a fool, I gave up my family and friends a second time and moved back to Rhode Island.

From the time I got here, he has kept me at a distance from his friends and family. He has told me repeatedly that he likes being "alone" and that he needed his "alone time", usually I heard this after spending a day or two with him. I'd leave and give him his "space" only to find out that he was spending his "alone" time with other people, drinking and partying. After a few months of this, I finally had it and told him I was done. His alone time was nothing more than an excuse to go out and do the things that had destroyed us to begin with. All the lies and manipulations were just so he could have a sex partner when he felt like it. He didn't care that he had misled me. He denies ever misleading me.

I asked him one time, "do you think I would leave my grandchildren for a casual relationship based on sex?" all he could do was look at me with blank eyes and respond, "well you made that choice, not me". I was dumbfounded.

I would have never left Texas had i known what the real deal was. All the calls and texts telling me how he was changing his life and that he loved me and we would be ok was all a ruse for him.

why? why me? why couldn't he be satisfied with any of the barflies he likes to hang out with. why use me? what is it about me that made him want to do this?

wouldn't it have been easier to just let me stay in texas and move on? he had his alone time. I wasn't here. I was moving on with my life quite happily actually.

I don't know and I guess ill never make sense of any of it.

all i can do now is move forward and take it one minute at a time.

 

i am so thankful for this forum..i find myself wanting to go post on fb but i know that's wrong and i am running for political office so i don't need to self destruct any more than i already have.

 

hugs

me