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Ex dumped me twice..? Guilt is why he doesn't want to give it a second chance?

TearsofHope

By TearsofHope
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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TearsofHope Member

TearsofHope

Posted
Posted (edited)

I'm in a panic mode crisis.

 

Okay, as you may know or seen me on LS. It's been 2 months since my ex bf broke up with me after 5 years. "Says it was no other girl", just is "scared" to go through our relationship again b/c he felt we drifted apart. We text/spoke on the phone here and there throughout yet I haven't seen him/refuses to see me b/c he needed space. As I mention before, I had this huge worry it was another girl for some gut feeling even though he kept saying its nobody over and over. Still don't believe it :/

 

So we are at 2 months since the breakup.. I eventually went 2 weeks of NC when I felt it was necessary to let go b/c it was getting pathetic of me to hang on after he treats me nice one minute and mean the next. He then started calling and text telling me he misses me, that he still loves me to death, that he needs to talk very bad. He is having sleepless nights and cannot handle it. Says he feels like an a%$hole for causing all this ruckus for no reason. Finally, I gave in when he called expressing his feelings for me that he can't take it no longer/wants to try again/im too good of a girl to him and that he felt so bad for hurting me b/c I didn't deserve it.

 

So I gave in, thought we were gonna work things out. Not only have I suffered the pain of the relationship, Funny how all the crying I done the past 2 months had lead me to find out that I developed a serious eye condition in both eyes which I will have to wear glasses for awhile and may get worse where I may need to get surgery. So it was huge blow to find out something so serious as my eye condition but if it wasn't for the crying, I would of never knew.

 

So the night he was on the phone telling me how much he wants our relationship back, after talking for awhile I told my ex on the phone about my eye condition and he freaked out! He Started feeling sick in his stomach feeling guilty.. Now mind me, he was not drinking and was at home. He told me how sick he felt for hurting me and told me he would call me back b/c he wasn't feeling good, which he never did.

 

That next morning, didn't hear from him other than a text saying "I feel like everything is my fault for hurting you, I feel like your eye situation is my fault and I hate that I hurt you so bad, and I still feel sick"

 

Well.... didn't hear from him at all the rest of the day. Now, I am thinking this man called me up to tell me he wants to start fresh with "us" and yet he bails on me after feeling "guilty" b/c of my eye condition.

 

So I called him late that night and get a text the following next day that "He hates how he hurt me, that everything is his fault, feeling like he caused my eye problem, doesn't want to hurt me anymore and that its best we leave everything as it is" as in lets not give it a second try!

 

Didn't hear from him since, after I basically got dumped TWICE. I was thinking, how this man change his mind in 24 hours. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore, but he just did by dumping me all over again!? I find it weird that he is taking guilt for my eye situation?

 

He haven't contacted me and I haven't contacted him its been 9 days as he so badly screwed me over again! It's like is his guilt really taking over or maybe he is guilty for "being with someone else possibly????" and is using my eye condition as a reason to be a concern?

 

I'm in panic mode bc I had a NIGHTMARE of him being with someone else and this just screwed me whole day!! :sick: I am so depressed.

Edited by TearsofHope
pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted

I don't know you're backstory completely. How old are you guys? Also, what of person is he in general?

 

It's just that he sounds like a very fragile person and somewhat emotionally unstable/immature.

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TearsofHope Member

TearsofHope

Posted
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Well, I'll be 24 in 3 months and he'll be 25. We both graduated from college.

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TearsofHope Member

TearsofHope

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I want to say he was more like the female in the relationship. Very affectionate, co dependent on another to whether he would have a good day or bad day. In other words, if he was having a bad day, he'll talk to me, I'll give him whatever advice to support him, but yet.. instead of sucking it up and going thru turmoils of life.. he would expect me to help him to get thru problems. Which I can't always do that, b/c some problems starts with him making a effort to make changes.. which is out of my control.

 

I just feels this guy was very co dependent on me...

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted
I want to say he was more like the female in the relationship. Very affectionate, co dependent on another to whether he would have a good day or bad day. In other words, if he was having a bad day, he'll talk to me, I'll give him whatever advice to support him, but yet.. instead of sucking it up and going thru turmoils of life.. he would expect me to help him to get thru problems. Which I can't always do that, b/c some problems starts with him making a effort to make changes.. which is out of my control.

 

I just feels this guy was very co dependent on me...

 

He sounds like he might be a little insecure and needy, and maybe like he can't handle being in a relationship with you, because he can't feel responsible for your feelings and he doesn't know how to deal with his own.

 

I know you are worried about the reason being another girl, but you're just going to have to trust him that there isn't someone else.

 

Also, you guys are young. Spending the first half of your 20s in a relationship is a lot. And ask yourself: do you want to be with someone who is codependent on you? You need someone who can take care of himself, so he can take care of you.

Billie The Puppet Established Member

Billie The Puppet

Posted
Posted
I want to say he was more like the female in the relationship. Very affectionate, co dependent on another to whether he would have a good day or bad day. In other words, if he was having a bad day, he'll talk to me, I'll give him whatever advice to support him, but yet.. instead of sucking it up and going thru turmoils of life.. he would expect me to help him to get thru problems. Which I can't always do that, b/c some problems starts with him making a effort to make changes.. which is out of my control.

 

I just feels this guy was very co dependent on me...

 

If you feel he was the female, you would not be dumped twice, you should have been the dumper in normal situations when the man becomes the woman the woman loses attractions.

pandagirl Established Member

pandagirl

Posted
Posted
If you feel he was the female, you would not be dumped twice, you should have been the dumper in normal situations when the man becomes the woman the woman loses attractions.

 

What are you talking about? Such generalizations.

Billie The Puppet Established Member

Billie The Puppet

Posted
Posted
What are you talking about? Such generalizations.

 

I'll agree I wrote a generalization but that's because it's generally the case. It may or may not apply to the OP case but it is very awkward of a person to be in that position to be the dumper.

 

 

BTW I was broken up with 2x in a span of a month and I am still kind of holding onto some sort of hope. (Still Pining) However I am also moving on in life too. First one was a "break" in which she only took physically, but was always calling and even discussed marriage during this "break" we get back together and go ring shipping and then I found an email and accused her of cheating and have been broken up since. I admit I am almost 100% to blame I violated her trust (became insecure) and accused her of cheating. I did all the wrongs immediately afterwards until I found this place. (Still ended up misreading signals and made a wrong) ever since I have been on the right path though I am still hear offering my story multiple times (High jacking) so others can relate and I'm even finding myself giving advice too.

 

Also a little biased as a male dumpee I believe 100% because I become more and more feminine like in the relationship with my ex, she lost the attraction.

 

Don Ho! would state that as I became a pussy, so she lost attraction.

 

It would be very rare for the one who takes this trait to do the dumping when they tend to be the ones who have become insecure, and needy.

Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

Posted
Posted

 

Also a little biased as a male dumpee I believe 100% because I become more and more feminine like in the relationship with my ex, she lost the attraction.

 

Don Ho! would state that as I became a pussy, so she lost attraction.

 

 

Billie,

 

I’m not clear at all what you mean describing yourself as being the female in the relationship.

 

I’m not sure what qualities in a man being a female are bad and I’m not even sure I know what the differences are. Can you list them for me/us, perhaps so I can follow you?

Billie The Puppet Established Member

Billie The Puppet

Posted
Posted
Billie,

 

I’m not clear at all what you mean describing yourself as being the female in the relationship.

 

I’m not sure what qualities in a man being a female are bad and I’m not even sure I know what the differences are. Can you list them for me/us, perhaps so I can follow you?

 

How about I list the traits I lost as a man (What I had at the beginning of the relationship that caused the attraction)

 

Leadership: (Always have a plan, know what you're doing, where you're going etc)

 

example of how it is lost: GF ask's what should we do tonight. I reply I don't know what do you want to do? = Loss of attraction

 

Confidence: (be secure in yourself, don't be afraid to speak your mind, do what makes you happy above everything else)

 

example of how it is lost: asking the girlfriend if a shirt looks nice on yourself. I know it sounds like something that we all do and shouldn't effect something but you shouldn't dress accordingly to how the gf values you infact you should dress how you value you. Insecurities, neediness are also examples of lost confidence.

 

Self-Assurance: (Be sure of yourself, assertive, pursue that which makes you happy as opposed to just making your girlfriend happy)

 

Women do not want the "power" in a relationship. They are only attracted to men who take charge and lead them. That does not mean to start being controlling, it means to start leading more and being more dominant/less submissive.

 

He who cares least controls the relationship

 

So if the women begins to show the traits above the balance of power has shifted thus the woman takes the males role and the male takes on the females role.

 

Careful this info is based on whether or not you believe in hard coded male/female psyche

Am4Real Established Member

Am4Real

Posted
Posted
How about I list the traits I lost as a man (What I had at the beginning of the relationship that caused the attraction)

 

 

 

I see.

 

Not sure I can agree totally however if the dynamics of what attracted your girlfriend changed in multiple categories, I’d imagine she might fall out of “attraction with you”. However, what you listed above sounds more like a man who is becoming considerate (when you mention joint planning a night out) or asking about his clothes (confirming a shirt is no big deal whereas refusing to exit the apartment until she gives you approval is a problem).

 

I don’t know your story Bille but it does sound like you’re being hard on yourself. In the next relationship you might find a woman who likes a softer approach and appreciates and admires your solicitation of her input.

 

Being a pussy is being scared or timid – being a gentleman and feeling good for you and giving the relationship the best you could is noble.

 

Give yourself a break….

Billie The Puppet Established Member

Billie The Puppet

Posted
Posted
I see.

 

Not sure I can agree totally however if the dynamics of what attracted your girlfriend changed in multiple categories, I’d imagine she might fall out of “attraction with you”. However, what you listed above sounds more like a man who is becoming considerate (when you mention joint planning a night out) or asking about his clothes (confirming a shirt is no big deal whereas refusing to exit the apartment until she gives you approval is a problem).

 

I don’t know your story Bille but it does sound like you’re being hard on yourself. In the next relationship you might find a woman who likes a softer approach and appreciates and admires your solicitation of her input.

 

Being a pussy is being scared or timid – being a gentleman and feeling good for you and giving the relationship the best you could is noble.

 

Give yourself a break….

 

Well kind words, It may seem harsh on myself but at least I can learn from it.

However some good has come from this break up as it has forced me to do things I otherwise took for granted.

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