Dating a separated man....

[citygirl68]

Ok, where to begin..we met about 3 weeks ago on a dating site, he is newly separated (2 months) and VERY old fashioned (has the morales of the 50's men) which is has to pay for everything, open doors, when you walk into the room stands up till you sit down, all that stuff as well as his thinking.

 

We met in person just over a week ago and have spent several hours pretty much daily with one another, hanging out, coffee, out to eat, talking non stop about anything, but he is very limited on his experiences with dating, I think he said he can count on 1 hand how many women he has dated and he is 42, I am 41 with much more life experience, so I know what I want, well at least I think I do.

 

He sends mixed messages, so not sure if I should just chalk him up to a friend and nothing more ever, or be patient and let him do his thing and see what happens. Does he like me cause I was there when he needed someone to be his friend or does he like me for me..he says he likes me but then says he doesn't want a relationship, don't know if he means with me or in general, again mixed signs.....I am currently looking for a new apt, and he says there is one in his building..really why would you want me to live in the same building if you want to date people and know how I feel about things....

 

I went into this as being a friend however, he is one of those people you just can't help falling for, perhaps its refreshing to meet someone who is so respectful. I get emails daily as well every morning and every night never misses one. But I am starting to think I am the transition girl...not a place I want to be, he knows I like him for more than a friend and still wants to hang out all the time, but says he doesn't want to rush into anything. He is still very active on the dating site and lets me know this not in detail but with enough information that I could do without (however is with me most of his free time so hasn't met anyone else in person just chit chat). I am trying to be his friend, but I have motives which I have to say he is way to naive to notice I sacrificed my feelings just to basically keep tabs on him and to make sure he doesn't meet anyone else. I know mean and evil but I felt backed into the corner at the particular time when I made the decision.....now I am left wondering do I walk away, or try to be a friend and suffer through his dating time that in my head I know he needs but in my heart my feelings are not quite the same.....

 

Good god reading this its a big mess....what started simple is ending in disaster!

[worlybear]

He's messing wih you. Stand back and look at the situation clearly and logically. In your post it appears that he has given you no firm indication that he regards you as more than a friend but I suspect he is aware of and flattered by your attention.

You can either wait it out and hope that he becomes more than a friend or (much more acceptable!) continue seeing him AND also widen your own social network so that you also meet new people- rather than forcing him into making a prompt decision.

[citygirl68]

Your right, I do need to widen my own social network....however, that is easier said than done considering I am with him hours everyday, I feel like if I don't make myself available then I will lose out, I know I should be so accessible either but I am not good at saying no...

[BB07]

Ok, where to begin..we met about 3 weeks ago on a dating site, he is newly separated (2 months) and VERY old fashioned (has the morales of the 50's men) which is has to pay for everything, open doors, when you walk into the room stands up till you sit down, all that stuff as well as his thinking.

 

This has danger written all over it. How do you know his is separated? Got any proof? Even if he really is, 2 months out, there is NO way he has dealt with the baggage and he is probably floundering if he is sure about it or not.

 

We met in person just over a week ago and have spent several hours pretty much daily with one another, hanging out, coffee, out to eat, talking non stop about anything, but he is very limited on his experiences with dating, I think he said he can count on 1 hand how many women he has dated and he is 42, I am 41 with much more life experience, so I know what I want, well at least I think I do.

 

He sends mixed messages, so not sure if I should just chalk him up to a friend and nothing more ever, or be patient and let him do his thing and see what happens. Does he like me cause I was there when he needed someone to be his friend or does he like me for me..he says he likes me but then says he doesn't want a relationship, don't know if he means with me or in general, again mixed signs.....I am currently looking for a new apt, and he says there is one in his building..really why would you want me to live in the same building if you want to date people and know how I feel about things....

 

Mixed messages, another big flashing caution light, you need to pay attention.

For petes sake why are you even considering moving in the same building, you really don't know this man, he may be a liar, a con. I'd do some background checks if I were you.

I went into this as being a friend however, he is one of those people you just can't help falling for, perhaps its refreshing to meet someone who is so respectful. I get emails daily as well every morning and every night never misses one. But I am starting to think I am the transition girl...not a place I want to be, he knows I like him for more than a friend and still wants to hang out all the time, but says he doesn't want to rush into anything. He is still very active on the dating site and lets me know this not in detail but with enough information that I could do without (however is with me most of his free time so hasn't met anyone else in person just chit chat). I am trying to be his friend, but I have motives which I have to say he is way to naive to notice I sacrificed my feelings just to basically keep tabs on him and to make sure he doesn't meet anyone else. I know mean and evil but I felt backed into the corner at the particular time when I made the decision.....now I am left wondering do I walk away, or try to be a friend and suffer through his dating time that in my head I know he needs but in my heart my feelings are not quite the same.....

 

Another not just a yellow light, but a red light since he is still on the dating website. Hello! Why the heck should you suffer, don't you deserve better? Also why date someone that you feel you have to keep tabs on?????

Wake up woman, and see that you are spinning toward a crash!

 

Good god reading this its a big mess....what started simple is ending in disaster!

 

It is a mess, but you are letting it happen. This man is not available, possible is a con.

[bentnotbroken]

Your right, I do need to widen my own social network....however, that is easier said than done considering I am with him hours everyday, I feel like if I don't make myself available then I will lose out, I know I should be so accessible either but I am not good at saying no...

 

 

Lose out:confused:? Lose out on what? Someone who can't make up his mind? You are the one who says he sends mixed messages. Opening car doors, paying for everything has absolutely nothing to do with morals. Morals are what you build your ethical foundation on. It is how you govern your life. It is how you treat yourself an others when people are paying attention and when they are not. What does opening a car door have to do with that?

 

You can't help when you are born or when you die, but you can help who you fall for if you maintain proper boundaries. So make sure you are clear on your responsibility in this situation when things don't go the way you wan them too. You have a choice. Your pre-stalker behavior is telling you not to trust this guy. He has told you not to trust him, he wants to date and you are here looking for someone to tell you the answers you already know.

[Circular]

From a guys perspective. He sounds confused about what he wants because he's so newly separated. But, it also sounds like given the amount of time you spend together that he must have some interest otherwise, why invest the time? People don't invest tons of times into a relationship unless they're getting something from it as well.

 

I remember way back in my college days I dated the same woman for nearly 4 years, we spent ALL of our free time together. Talk about overdose. When I finally broke it off with her there were other women I met, dated, etc... but I wasn't ready to go back to flow-blown serious relationship again - at least not for a good year or so.

 

I'd say give him less of your time, start dating more, use the dating site, etc... If he's interested he'll come around. Right now, he's getting the emotional support, connection that he needs and he's kind of taking you for granted by not meeting your needs. In a way, he might also be trying to prove to himself that he's not rusty and that he still has some game left in him.

 

When someone sends you mixed messages it's because they are confused themselves. They cannot gain clarity on the situation when you're around all the time they just have a gut-feeling and know they like you around but the mind isn't in sync with that. He's probably processing the loss of his marriage, still wondering if he's made the right decision, wondering if he's going to sell himself short in another relationship, etc... it's messy at this point. I'd shift him to the backseat for about six months and see what happens.

[desertIslandCactus]

The man's not available and just playing around..

 

Normally a man and a woman cannot be 'friends' without one or the other wishing for More in the relationship.

 

You will know you have the right man when the two of you are equally yoked in many ways including Both of you free, totally in love with and having no one else in your lives excepting the two of you or one another.

[citygirl68]

Thanks for all the great advice....someone said that I don't know for sure if he is "separated" he is I have seen the paperwork from the lawyers, thats never been in question.

 

I guess because he wasn't one of those guys that just want to jump in the sack and is willing to listen without any expectations its harder to read the messages.

 

To Circular I think you advice is right on the mark, its all coming down to he needs to do his thing and I do need to back off and be less available....which is what I fully intend to do...

 

Again thanks it really does help to hear people's points of view when they are on the outside and don't know either party. Friends tend to tell you what you want to hear.....

[siuys]

CityGirl - don't walk, but run away from this unless you want pain, confusion, crap in your immediate future. Cut it while it's easy to now. Go date other available men. Recently separated men are trouble. Good luck.

[camel's toe]

Yes he is messing you around and I agree with you that you would be his transition woman. And you owe it to yourself to have better a situation than that. Carry on looking. Put him on the back burner. Leave him alone. Maybe your time will come with him in the future - who knows.

 

I had a situation where I met a guy and he was separated. He was legally still married and the break was NOT his choice. He was still in love with her. I only found all this out after 6 months with him. I was heartbroken. We couldn't go on and he left me. I carried on with my life and about 18 months later he contacted me. He'd got divorced and sorted his head out. Sadly, I'd moved on too much and wasn't interested. So I say, just leave it.

[siuys]

Circular, your post really resonates with me, and coming from a guy, it is a confirmation that I am doing the right thing but writing my xMM off. It's too messy, he is confused, bla bla bla. I don't need this crap. If he is unsure, then he needs to be on his own I agree. Thank you.

[pureinheart]

From a guys perspective. He sounds confused about what he wants because he's so newly separated. But, it also sounds like given the amount of time you spend together that he must have some interest otherwise, why invest the time? People don't invest tons of times into a relationship unless they're getting something from it as well.

 

I remember way back in my college days I dated the same woman for nearly 4 years, we spent ALL of our free time together. Talk about overdose. When I finally broke it off with her there were other women I met, dated, etc... but I wasn't ready to go back to flow-blown serious relationship again - at least not for a good year or so.

 

I'd say give him less of your time, start dating more, use the dating site, etc... If he's interested he'll come around. Right now, he's getting the emotional support, connection that he needs and he's kind of taking you for granted by not meeting your needs. In a way, he might also be trying to prove to himself that he's not rusty and that he still has some game left in him.

 

When someone sends you mixed messages it's because they are confused themselves. They cannot gain clarity on the situation when you're around all the time they just have a gut-feeling and know they like you around but the mind isn't in sync with that. He's probably processing the loss of his marriage, still wondering if he's made the right decision, wondering if he's going to sell himself short in another relationship, etc... it's messy at this point. I'd shift him to the backseat for about six months and see what happens.

 

In bold...bravo.

 

The advice that I have heard is that it can take at least two years to recover from a D. I believe that.

 

OP, just be careful, I was abused terribly and didn't understand what was going on. The only thing I did wrong was to react to his abuse during HIS D. This will never happen again.

[pureinheart]

Ok, where to begin..we met about 3 weeks ago on a dating site, he is newly separated (2 months) and VERY old fashioned (has the morales of the 50's men) which is has to pay for everything, open doors, when you walk into the room stands up till you sit down, all that stuff as well as his thinking.

 

We met in person just over a week ago and have spent several hours pretty much daily with one another, hanging out, coffee, out to eat, talking non stop about anything, but he is very limited on his experiences with dating, I think he said he can count on 1 hand how many women he has dated and he is 42, I am 41 with much more life experience, so I know what I want, well at least I think I do.

 

He sends mixed messages, so not sure if I should just chalk him up to a friend and nothing more ever, or be patient and let him do his thing and see what happens. Does he like me cause I was there when he needed someone to be his friend or does he like me for me..he says he likes me but then says he doesn't want a relationship, don't know if he means with me or in general, again mixed signs.....I am currently looking for a new apt, and he says there is one in his building..really why would you want me to live in the same building if you want to date people and know how I feel about things....

 

I went into this as being a friend however, he is one of those people you just can't help falling for, perhaps its refreshing to meet someone who is so respectful. I get emails daily as well every morning and every night never misses one. But I am starting to think I am the transition girl...not a place I want to be, he knows I like him for more than a friend and still wants to hang out all the time, but says he doesn't want to rush into anything. He is still very active on the dating site and lets me know this not in detail but with enough information that I could do without (however is with me most of his free time so hasn't met anyone else in person just chit chat). I am trying to be his friend, but I have motives which I have to say he is way to naive to notice I sacrificed my feelings just to basically keep tabs on him and to make sure he doesn't meet anyone else. I know mean and evil but I felt backed into the corner at the particular time when I made the decision.....now I am left wondering do I walk away, or try to be a friend and suffer through his dating time that in my head I know he needs but in my heart my feelings are not quite the same.....

 

Good god reading this its a big mess....what started simple is ending in disaster!

 

I don't believe this is "periodic" confusion based on one or more things happening in his life...THIS IS HOW HE IS...been there done that and thought the same thing. I had never been exposed to this before, or to this degree.

 

What he is doing by telling you he doesn't want a R is just that. He throws that in there so that later on, and no matter how he doesn't act by those words, that in fact he DID let you know...it's a game, period...it's to leave the door open "just in case"...

[fooled once]

Ok, where to begin..we met about 3 weeks ago on a dating site, he is newly separated (2 months) and VERY old fashioned (has the morales of the 50's men) which is has to pay for everything, open doors, when you walk into the room stands up till you sit down, all that stuff as well as his thinking.

 

We met in person just over a week ago and have spent several hours pretty much daily with one another, hanging out, coffee, out to eat, talking non stop about anything, but he is very limited on his experiences with dating, I think he said he can count on 1 hand how many women he has dated and he is 42, I am 41 with much more life experience, so I know what I want, well at least I think I do.

 

He sends mixed messages, so not sure if I should just chalk him up to a friend and nothing more ever, or be patient and let him do his thing and see what happens. Does he like me cause I was there when he needed someone to be his friend or does he like me for me..he says he likes me but then says he doesn't want a relationship, don't know if he means with me or in general, again mixed signs.....I am currently looking for a new apt, and he says there is one in his building..really why would you want me to live in the same building if you want to date people and know how I feel about things....

 

I went into this as being a friend however, he is one of those people you just can't help falling for, perhaps its refreshing to meet someone who is so respectful. I get emails daily as well every morning and every night never misses one. But I am starting to think I am the transition girl...not a place I want to be, he knows I like him for more than a friend and still wants to hang out all the time, but says he doesn't want to rush into anything. He is still very active on the dating site and lets me know this not in detail but with enough information that I could do without (however is with me most of his free time so hasn't met anyone else in person just chit chat). I am trying to be his friend, but I have motives which I have to say he is way to naive to notice I sacrificed my feelings just to basically keep tabs on him and to make sure he doesn't meet anyone else. I know mean and evil but I felt backed into the corner at the particular time when I made the decision.....now I am left wondering do I walk away, or try to be a friend and suffer through his dating time that in my head I know he needs but in my heart my feelings are not quite the same.....

 

Good god reading this its a big mess....what started simple is ending in disaster!

 

You 'met' this guy on a dating website 3 weeks ago... and have only met him in person 7-8 days ago and already you are in in stalker mode with him? What in the world are you doing???

 

Look at your behavior - you are doing something to ensure he can't meet anyone (although I am not sure what it is you have done, but you yourself called your actions mean and evil).

 

What are you becoming over some dude you met IN PERSON 7 or 8 days ago??????

 

Please - please --- slow way down and stop what you are doing. You are beyond infatuated and it is heading into a very unhealthy place for you.

 

he isn't ready for a committed relationship. He is 2 months "separated". He isn't divorced. He is separated. You are on call to him 24/7; ready for any attention he throws your way.

 

Sounds like to me you are more of a friend..maybe with benefits later ... but for now, he isn't romantically interested in you.

 

You barely know him --- knowing someone takes more than 7 or 8 days talking to him.

 

Broaden your social network and stop focusing on him so much.

[jj33]

Its always exciting when you meet a guy you like but as everyone else has said slow down. You are reading WAY too much into this. Only knowing him for 8 days you cant really know if you are right for each other. All you can know is that if he asked you out, you would say yes.

 

It doesnt matter WHY he said hes not into a relatioship except that if you stay friends, you want to protect your ego which is fair enough. But remember, men dont say that if they dont mean it. Believe the words.

 

The fact that he said theres an apt in his building could be one of tow things. He was being friendly and passing on a fact, or he is setting you up for FWB. You THINK you are being evil but you cant stop this man from dating someone else when he is ready if he is not interested in dating you then. And why would you want to?

 

All you can do is hurt yourself if you set yourself up to sit on the sidelines of his life waiting for him to realize he should be dating you.

 

Dont do that. If you like him romantically and you wont be comfortable being just a friend, walk away. If you can handle having a single male friend who may date someone other than you, then be his friend.

 

There is no plotting and planning to be done here. Either you accept the situation or you dont.