No Contact - sucks, I lost my girlfriend for good cause of it

[TomerT]

So, I followed the "No contact" rule, anticipating that eventually my girlfriend will start to feel "fear of lose" and eventually will come back or at least make a contact with me. Instead - I got...a pregnant X-gf !

 

So, as I posted here before she broke up with me while she on long vacation in her country. I also went abroad during this time, we were not in touch for 3 weeks. Eventually I arrived to airport to meet her, naively thinking she will be nicely surprised. Instead I saw her together with her X from last long (3 years) relationship. He was near her during this time and she just felt directly into his arms (don’t want to say di..ck)...

 

After few days when I have eventually had a chance to talk with her on the phone - she was crying saying me she is very confused, don’t understand how its happened and (still) don't know what to do (she is pregnant from him now - did I mention this ? and still does not what to do ?!). So I said to her "Seems to me honey, you already decided"...We talked may be 5 mins. She told me she will call me some other day and indeed she called but I didn’t answer and since then (already a week) she didn't call, nor SMS, nothing...

 

I know what most of you will say "Leave the bitch"..and probably you right, but what hurt me so much that we never had a chance to talk. Also I think we all do mistakes and if she can give me some reasonable explanation I can accept it. I think at least I deserve an explanation what happened (she mentioned once that her family pushed her to come back to him). And I do believe deep inside her she is sorry for what happen and would like to turn the wheel back. So what should I do ?

 

I loved her very much - and if it was up to me, I would give her a second chance, but currently I am not sure if she wants it. May be she just ashamed (she mentioned it) and / or afraid to approach me thinking that she will do me better if just let me go. But I still constantly think about her. I have to mention that I was so angry and felt so desperate about what happen that I slept with two girls during last week..I never saw or will see them again, but I was so angry at her that she even doesn't want to explain me what happened during this time.

 

She always swear to me (almost on the bible) that she and her X are completely over and there is no way back...I have never jealous or was clingy. But apparently she was wrong. I have a feeling that he manipulated her when he felt she was "lonely" _ family pressure. So he did what he had to do. But I really didn't expect it from her. She was always told me that "I am her love of a life" and all this stuff...we were talking about getting marry one day...On the one hand I really angry at her and feel cheated, on the other hand I still love her and want to hug her. What should I do ?

 

Also she “accused” me in what happen – saying that I so easily accepted her suggestion to have a break and then going to “No contact” mode – she felt “pushed” by me. Does she has a point ? May be.I

Edited September 26, 2010 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Don Ho]

Bro, you didn't lose her from NC. That's an excuse on her part. If she REALLY wanted to be with you she would have contacted you. Apparently she went back to her Ex and is now pg. Nice of her to try to turn it around and pin it on you though.

[somedude81]

The whole point of "no contact," is for you to get over them. It speeds up the healing process.

 

There is no game of not talking to her, hoping that she comes back.

 

She got pregnant, drop her from your life. Go no contact again, and simply stop talking to her, so you can move on.

[TaraMaiden]

So, I followed the "No contact" rule, anticipating that eventually my girlfriend will start to feel "fear of lose" and eventually will come back or at least make a contact with me. Instead - I got...a pregnant X-gf !

You went NC for all the wrong reasons then. NC is to end it, for good, for sure, for ever. For you.

Not for them, or for any reason concerning them.

 

So, as I posted here before she broke up with me while she on long vacation in her country. I also went abroad during this time, we were not in touch for 3 weeks. Eventually I arrived to airport to meet her, naively thinking she will be nicely surprised. Instead I saw her together with her X from last long (3 years) relationship. He was near her during this time and she just felt directly into his arms (don’t want to say di..ck)...

Well if that didn't tell you it was over, then.....

 

After few days when I have eventually had a chance to talk with her on the phone - she was crying saying me she is very confused, don’t understand how its happened and (still) don't know what to do (she is pregnant from him now - did I mention this ? and still does not what to do ?!). So I said to her "Seems to me honey, you already decided"...We talked may be 5 mins. She told me she will call me some other day and indeed she called but I didn’t answer and since then (already a week) she didn't call, nor SMS, nothing...

By this time, sorry bud, but it should have been overwhelmingly obvious that she was not with you, in any sense of the word. Tell me, based on the above , what on earth it was that you were hanging on to....!

 

I know what most of you will say "Leave the bitch"..and probably you right, but what hurt me so much that we never had a chance to talk.

Ever heard the phrase "Actions speak louder than words"...? What do her actions tell you?

so what could she possibly have said, that would have explained or justified what happened?

 

Also I think we all do mistakes and if she can give me some reasonable explanation I can accept it.

No, what you want is an apology, and closure. And given that she made a decision to open her legs for her ex - she made a decision to let him park his todger in her - she made a decision to let him impregnate her - then she will never apologise for doing something she wanted to do. What's more, you will never - REPEAT, NEVER - ever get closure from her.

The only person who can ever give you closure - is you.

 

I think at least I deserve an explanation what happened (she mentioned once that her family pushed her to come back to him). And I do believe deep inside her she is sorry for what happen and would like to turn the wheel back. So what should I do ?

The sad thing is - you know exactly what it is you should do. the sadder thing is, that you're even asking.

You know precisely what you should do.

 

Don't you..?

 

I loved her very much - and if it was up to me, I would give her a second chance, but currently I am not sure if she wants it

.

No, she doesn't want it. She doesn't want you. She made that clear when you saw her at the airport with ex(not ex-) loverboy.

 

May be she just ashamed (she mentioned it) and / or afraid to approach me thinking that she will do me better if just let me go.

You don't get it, do you?

She let go ages ago.

YOU'RE the one not letting go....

 

But I still constantly think about her. I have to mention that I was so angry and felt so desperate about what happen that I slept with two girls during last week..I never saw or will see them again, but I was so angry at her that she even doesn't want to explain me what happened during this time.

Ah yes. "Revenge sex". That was clever.

having sex because you're angry/desperate is also having sex because or emotional immaturity and vulnerability. That was dumb - you know that - right....?

 

She always swear to me (almost on the bible) that she and her X are completely over and there is no way back...I have never jealous or was clingy. But apparently she was wrong. I have a feeling that he manipulated her when he felt she was "lonely" _ family pressure. So he did what he had to do. But I really didn't expect it from her. She was always told me that "I am her love of a life" and all this stuff...we were talking about getting marry one day...On the one hand I really angry at her and feel cheated, on the other hand I still love her and want to hug her. What should I do ?

Why exactly are you making all these excuses for her?

She did what she did because she felt like doing what she did. if she felt half as strongly for you as you imagine she did (or as she said she did). then she would never have done it. her affection for you was already weak. Her love for you was already faltering.

Her connection to you was already broken.

She had sex with him, because she wanted him more than she wanted you.

When it came to priorities, you were lower on the scale than he was.

Her family had nothing to do with it.

 

 

Also she “accused” me in what happen – saying that I so easily accepted her suggestion to have a break and then going to “No contact” mode – she felt “pushed” by me. Does she has a point ? May be.

No, her accusation is unfounded. No her excuses are futile. No her point is empty.

You had no more to do with her splaying her legs apart for him, than her family had.

She is a self-made cheater, and has only herself to hold responsible.

 

WALK AWAY.

Period.

permanent.

Go No Contact, stay No Contact, and never engage with her again.

She is carrying someone else's child. You do not want to have anything to do with that - TRUST ME!!!!

[Trovador]

I wish I had a clean break up like yours, man...

 

It would be easier to move on...

[Banega100]

quite how she's pinned herself getting pregnant on you, i'm not sure. but it's brilliant.

 

fck her off. quick time

[TomerT]

Thanks for your frank answer. I agree with most of it parts but still would like to make some clarifications:

 

Tell me, based on the above , what on earth it was that you were hanging on to....

During few opportunities that we had to talk (by the way, few - cause her new/old bf completely controlling her and never let her be alone.

He called me from Supermarket toilet...) she mentioned that "I am still in her heart" and also asked if I may consider take her back after what happened ? I am nost sure how serious she was, may be just she was testing me...Nevertheless the fact that she asked me those, IMHO point that she not happy with her decision.

 

No, what you want is an apology, and closure. And given that she made a decision to open her legs for her ex - she made a decision to let him park his todger in her - she made a decision to let him impregnate her - then she will never apologise for doing something she wanted to do. What's more, you will never - REPEAT, NEVER - ever get closure from her.

The only person who can ever give you closure - is you.

 

No, I really do not want to hear her appology. She told me "I'm sorry" so many times, that it almost lost any meaning. I told her this. Frankly, I heard "I'm sorry" more than "I love you" during our relationship.

But I do agree that I want (need) a CLOSURE. Is it wrong ? Is it too much to ask ? We are not enemies. Amn't I deserve it ? Why do you say she will never (NEVER) get me a closure ? Doesn't she need it ? It's only natural, I reckon. **** happenes - but we are human, at least we can talk. She knows I will not try to convinve her to change her mind. I remember even before I told her, if there is any tiny chance there is something left between you and your X - go for it, but please just let me know. She was swearing that there is NOTHING. So I am more dissapointed by the way she did it, rather the fact that she is with him right now. If she would just tell me "I want to try to fix my previous relationship" - I will be the first one to encourage and support her. She knows it very (very) good.

 

Ah yes. "Revenge sex". That was clever.

having sex because you're angry/desperate is also having sex because or emotional immaturity and vulnerability. That was dumb - you know that - right....?

I am not very proud of it. Considering myself as rational and "normal" person it only shows that we all do make mistakes, especcially when we are emmotionally voulnarable. May she also did a mistake ?

 

She is carrying someone else's child. You do not want to have anything to do with that - TRUST ME!!!!

 

She mentioned that she will do an abortion. I don't know if she eventually will do. But again, the fact that she even considering it shows that she is not happy with what happened and considering it as a mistake"

 

May be I am to naive...I understand currently there is nothing much I can do. I loved her so much and I know that she loved me also. I want to be prepared for every possible scenario - I think there is a good probability that eventually she will contact (or if I continue ignoring her), she can find me at home / work ( we leave not too far from each other ) and would like to fix "us". I do beleive in "second" chance. Even prisoners get second chance for much worse crimes

Edited September 26, 2010 by TomerT

[Sambo]

I have to agree with everyone so far.

 

she's playing a mind F### game with you.

 

If anything you should be happy you found out what she's made of and she could never have been trusted long term.

[TaraMaiden]

Thanks for your frank answer. I agree with most of it parts but still would like to make some clarifications:

 

 

During few opportunities that we had to talk (by the way, few - cause her new/old bf completely controlling her and never let her be alone.

He called me from Supermarket toilet...) she mentioned that "I am still in her heart" and also asked if I may consider take her back after what happened ? I am nost sure how serious she was, may be just she was testing me...Nevertheless the fact that she asked me those, IMHO point that she not happy with her decision.

Let's strip away all the glossy pink-frosting veneer and see what she's really asking:

"If the guy I have permitted to make me pregnant, makes a break for it and chickens out, will you be my fall-back guy? I need a buffer zone to help me bring this kid up. You sound like a warm-hearted sucker, how about it?"

 

This is what it boils down to.

 

Say NO.

 

 

No, I really do not want to hear her appology. She told me "I'm sorry" so many times, that it almost lost any meaning.

Quite.

Repeat something enough, it loses its meaning. She was just pummelling you with it, parrot-fashion. Tell someone something enough, they begin to believe it.

If she's really, REALLY that sorry - she would have thought twice about doing it in the first place....

 

I told her this. Frankly, I heard "I'm sorry" more than "I love you" during our relationship.

Big Red Flag.

you think that's a good thing? You're kidding, right......?

But I do agree that I want (need) a CLOSURE. Is it wrong ? Is it too much to ask ?

Yes. Ask around.

it never comes.

nearly everyone who breaks up with their ex wants closure, and nearly everyone never gets it. Why?

 

 

We are not enemies. Amn't I deserve it ? Why do you say she will never (NEVER) get me a closure ?

Because all that happens is that you just get more lies, prevarication, deflecting and reflecting. Excuses, and justifications.

but not Closure.

Because all of the above just provoke more questions from you.... and there are no answers except "I felt like it" and "At the time he won over you".

 

I remember even before I told her, if there is any tiny chance there is something left between you and your X - go for it, but please just let me know. She was swearing that there is NOTHING. So I am more dissapointed by the way she did it, rather the fact that she is with him right now

So she's a liar, as well as well as a cheat. She cannot even be honest with you.

She couldn't be honest with herself, so what do you expect...?

 

If she would just tell me "I want to try to fix my previous relationship" - I will be the first one to encourage and support her. She knows it very (very) good.

Let her go fix it. You should be done, here.....

Don't encourage her.

just tell her that you want to be the only one in her heart, not the second option. That's now impossible, so being an option - shouldn't even be an option.

 

 

I am not very proud of it. Considering myself as rational and "normal" person it only shows that we all do make mistakes, especcially when we are emmotionally voulnarable. May she also did a mistake ?

Look up the terms Trust, Communication and Respect. you both lack any reasonable amounts to make this work. You cannot have a relationship without them. And it takes Effort and Commitment.

Big failure, on both your parts.

It won't ever work, you're just neither of you as "into this" as you should be.

 

 

She mentioned that she will do an abortion. I don't know if she eventually will do. But again, the fact that she even considering it shows that she is not happy with what happened and considering it as a mistake"

And she's this flippant and "couldn't care less" about a human life she has created?

I like her more and more with each passing moment,.....

 

May be I am to naive...I understand currently there is nothing much I can do. I loved her so much and I know that she loved me also. I want to be prepared for every possible scenario - I think there is a good probability that eventually she will contact (or if I continue ignoring her), she can find me at home / work ( we leave not too far from each other ) and would like to fix "us". I do beleive in "second" chance. Even prisoners get second chance for much worse crimes

 

have you seen the statistics for criminals re-offending?

They're through the roof....

[BigProc]

I agree with Tara. My ex has gone back to her other ex, despite constantly slagging him off and saying why was i ever with him blah blah etc etc. Then out of the blue she txt me when she was drunk 1 evening telling me how much she missed me and she wanted to meet up etc. Like a sucker i fell up line and sinker for it. The next day she didn't want to know. Her txts were very blunt and eventually started ingnoring my txts altogether. It left me with a load of unanswered questions. Why would she say that if she didn't still love me? Why is she now not giving me time of day? That was about 2 month ago and i still don't know to this day. There is no closure from them. They will tell you what you want to hear and when you eventually find a question where they can't wriggle away from or lie about, they will simply ignore you. My ex and yours went back to their ex's because they wanted to at that time. Their excuses are 1 just to ease their guilt and 2 to tryand make it easier on us. Do not ask for an explanation any more. The fact you deserve 1 is irrelevant. The simple and most hurtful truth is they did it because they wanted to.

[TomerT]

Thanks a lot. I am reading you answer several times and unfortunatelly agree with it. Frankly, I know all these answers (deep inside), but needed someone to say it outloud.

Still the "enigma" for me - why is she (or more genrally they, the x-gf) does not want to make a closure ? What is the big deal ? Doesn't she need it ? She was my best friend, my everything...and now acting like complete stranger...You know what, sometimes stranger will act more friendly than she does. And I really don't understand the reason for this behaviour. I never did anything bad to her. We were not the perfect couple, but still I treated her like a princess (she knows it). So at least out of final respect I would expect her to talk with me. Currentle it is not possible - she is not calling, and I can not call her either (since her new/old bf monitoring all her calls and I will not be surprised that he may even hold her phone).

[boltsfan17]

You already have closure. It's developing inside your exes stomach. There honestly is no point in ever talking to her again. I'm sure you want answers from her, but that isn't going to change anything. It's time to forget about her, start the healing process, and move on.