Not sure what to think...

[mvem]

Hi all,

 

I am new to this forum, but thought I might make a post here to possibly get some clarity on a breakup that occured.

 

I met a gal on one of the major online dating sites...after exchanging emails back and forth and answering each others questions, we agreed to meet up on a Saturday.

 

That Saturday couldn't have gone any better. We went out to a local beach....just hung out, talked, walked around, got some food etc. We hit it off immediately. The only thing that probably should have raised a red flag was the fact she mentioned she was seperated, and a divorce is set to be finalized shortly. Afterwards, we both agreed we should see each other again.

 

For the next few weeks, we spent a lot of time getting to know each other. We would go out to dinner, pick up stuff at the store and cook it, listen to music, sit around and talk, go for walks/hiking, etc. We talked about a lot of different things that where important to each other (trust, communication, family, eating right, staying in shape, work-life balance, etc). I thought it was kinda cool since I have not found anybody that has all the same types of values/beliefs that I do. As time progressed, we started messing around which eventually led to sleeping together.

 

On a Friday, I get an email from her at work, asking if I would like to get together tonight...she wanted to watch a movie. In the same email she mentions to me that I should dazzle the people I am interviewing with at work just like I have dazzled her. I pick her up from work that day, she greets me with a nice kiss. We go to the store to pick up some stuff for dinner. I volunteer to cook (salmon) as she had done the same for me previously. We go over to my place and watch a movie, then mess around some more. On the way back to her place (about 1AM), she is holding my hand in the car, before she gets out, says give me a big kiss and waves goodbye. She comments this is the best night she has had in a while, and really enjoys my company, energy and personality. Well, it turns out that was the last time I would see her.

 

Sunday morning I wake up to an email telling me she really has enjoyed getting to know me, but she needs space and wishes me best of luck. I honestly thought it was some sort of joke. I called her up and was just asking basic questions like "what's going on?", "did I do something?", "why the change in attitude?". I wasn't being a jerk or raising my voice at all, was just shocked. She couldn't answer anything, wasn't being truthful at all. I found this wierd as she and I had both agreed trust and communication was very important in earlier conversations.

 

Finally, at the end of the day, she sends me this big long email telling me how on Thursday after we slept together, she realized she still has unresolved feelings for her soon to be ex husband. I have all sorts of his same qualities, blah blah blah. I am thinking ok....then why didn't you say something? Why did you initiate Friday with me then? Why say all this stuff making me think something is there? Why lie? I asked if she wanted to be friends, she says no as we have already crossed that line. I found this unbelievable considering how much fun we had together (according to her, she has never laughed so hard around anybody in her life).

 

I don't know what to think...did I do something wrong? Is this what happens with all divorced women/seperated women? I can't believe somebody could be as kind/sweet/caring as she was then in literally in instant, just pull the plug over an email without any decent explanation.

 

It's created a dilema for sure. Since she was everything I could have asked for in a gal, she raised the bar to a level I don't think any other gal will be able to reach. It's depressing as I can't help but think I did something to foul up what looks like a once in a lifetime opportunity

 

Anyway, thanks for reading...I hope I didn't put anybody to sleep.

[Lost Fish]

Ouch mvem. That sucks.

 

OK man, relax.

 

First off - from the way you write and tell your story, I can tell that you probably didn't do anything wrong here. You went in with an open heart and took a risk.

 

Secondly, I think she deserves some credit (but not much) for being honest with you and not stringing you along. The truth is that she probably did think she was over her STBXH (loveshack lingo for: soon-to-be-ex-husband). It took the intimacy that was created with you to shake her up a bit and realize she was still attached.

 

She is actually doing you a favor by telling you the truth and not leaving you wondering what the hell happened.

 

Here's another truth: she didn't raise the bar... unless the bar in your system is set by women who get close over a couple weeks and then tell you they are in love with their ex... lol. Honestly, I think you are just still in the "falling in love" phase and that's why you feel like she is so amazing and great. It's those love chemicals in your brain painting her rosy.

 

So... what do you do? Back way off. Give her space. Don't contact her at all. There is a chance in time she may reach out to you - but in the meantime you need to move forward and act like this is it with her.

 

Be strong man, hopefully she didn't hook your heart too hard.

[Don Ho]

You may have done too much too soon and smothered her. Separated women are always tough and I suggest staying away from them for this very reason. Back way off and don't contact. She may come back, but really, she's still in the middle of it, so I don't think it's going to work out. Sorry Bro, I think you have to give up on this one and find one that is truly single and available.

[mvem]

Hello,

 

Thanks for the replies..

 

Lost Fish: When I said she raised the bar, I mean she raised what my expecations in a woman should be. I think a lot of times, people will overlook negative traits in somebody because they are good looking...in this case there wasn't anything I didn't like about her (looks, personality, values, etc).

 

Don Ho: I was very concerned about doing to much with her. I remember specifically asking if she needed/wanted space...the answer was always no. I would always let her initiate the intimate stuff, and even then would ask is she was sure about it...in retrospect, I probably looked like a friggen idiot. I guess given her situation, I didn't want her to feel forced\pressured to do anything she didn't want to do.

 

I guess the moral of the story is:

 

1) Don't waste time with divorced or seperated women.

 

2) Don't take anything somebody says as face value, as it's likely laced with lies and or/BS.

 

Thanks for reading

[Banega100]

yeah it's simply that her ex is in her brain. No more to it. Before i read to that point i was going to suggest that she was seeing some one else as well as you, and wanted to be exclusive with them. She loves her ex, so leave her to it, not that you have a choice.

[mvem]

I guess my last question is, in her last email she mentions she realized there where still strong feelings for her ex after what we did on Thursday....then why would she then instigate everything on Friday? Just to see if she could push through it or something?

[Am4Real]

Dear MVEM,

 

Don’t take it personally – this is very typical with anyone in the latter stages of separating from a partner whether the two were married or not married.

 

Simply she has not completed what we advise in this forum time and time again as “the healing process”. Because she is divorcing she is likely in contact often with her former partner making the healing process one of even slower progression.

 

Consequently, when a person has not healed they are not emotionally fit (normally) and, starting a relationship too soon before healing is often referred to as a rebound relationship, where seldom do they work out.

 

Consider yourself fortunate that she was at the very least honest with you and admitted she is not free from ties with her EX. Those words took a lot of courage and even though she has hurt you she likely did not intend to cause you pain. She probably even thought she was sparing you from a future pain.

 

Don Ho gave good advice when he said to back off and see if she comes back around in good time.

 

If you haven’t closed the loop completely send her a simple note, preferably in the good old fashion mail and “NOT” electronically. Keep it at three sentences or less saying you equally enjoyed meeting her and perhaps she can check in with you sometime in the future once things become settled. Do not say anything challenging like “if you’re available”. Keep it upbeat and simple. Send it. Then do your best to forget about her.

 

I’m telling you to postal mail this simple note (again repeating simple, no mushy words) because paper notes are often kept for a long time if non-threatening while TEXTS and Emails are deleted once read.

 

Best wishes…

[Don Ho]

Bro, DO NOT send a note. Do not do anything. She knows where to find you. Separated, married, attached people are always confused and change directions. Do not take it personally. I don't think you looked like an idiot ... but you will if you make any contact at this point.

 

1. You (along with other guys here) need to keep applying YOUR brakes, regardless of what a woman says or how much she chases you. I think you can date separated women, as long as you think of it as a booty call, don't get emotionally involved and keep dating other women.

 

2. Yes, you have to look at their actions and not just their words. Even their actions can be misleading. I don't think that she was BSing you, but their emotions are all over the place and, as you have seen, can change quickly. Who knows why it changed the day after you got busy, I wouldn't over analyze it.

[Am4Real]

1. You (along with other guys here) need to keep applying YOUR brakes, regardless of what a woman says or how much she chases you. I think you can date separated women, as long as you think of it as a booty call, don't get emotionally involved and keep dating other women.

 

 

That statement is demeaning to women and frankly an embarrassment to read coming from you. Your words often make sense, but these appear written from a bitter and complicated position who thinks separated women are “freaks” that deserve “booty treatment” first. Embarrassing!

[Don Ho]

That statement is demeaning to women and frankly an embarrassment to read coming from you. Your words often make sense, but these appear written from a bitter and complicated position who thinks separated women are “freaks” that deserve “booty treatment” first. Embarrassing!

 

Thank you for the compliment. LOL. I'm not at all embarrassed by what I said, but I should clarify. My point was that a guy should be particularly careful in dating a woman that is separated because they are often confused and change their minds easily. Also, they often go back to the "Ex". If a guy is going to get involved with a woman that is separated, then he should keep from getting too involved and keep it light. The same applies to women that date men that are separated.

 

I don't at all think separated women are freaks nor do they deserve mistreatment. My comment about "booty call" was simply to make the point that a guy should not get too emotionally involved up front and it's best to keep the sex casual until he knows for sure she is divorcing and over her Ex. Maybe I should have said a guy that gets involved with a separated woman should go into it with the perception and thought that it should be treated a bit more casually instead of using the term "booty call".

 

I was not demeaning women, a guy that is dating a separated woman should not go into it thinking it's like a regular situation or relationship. I did not say a guy should just "use" a woman that is separated. My comments were based on the fact that the OP maybe did not exercise enough caution and look where it got him. I'm not bitter, I have seen what happens many times when guys date women that are separated and not totally single. Often they get burned.

 

I should update my statement: keep it a little more casual with a separated person; do not get involved too quickly because it is a different situation and they have been known to be confused and emotional; you can have sex with them but do not get too emotionally involved too quickly because it is not a normal situation; they have been know to continue having sex with their Ex (and often lie about it) and they often go back to their Ex. Now, if he or she is a wonderful person, they are over their Ex, they get divorced, you have been cautious and it slowly turns into something more and a good relationship, then great.

Edited September 27, 2010 by Don Ho

[Banker Chick]

I agree and now refuse to date anyone separated. Having gone through my own divorce quite a few years ago, I know I dated WAY before I should have. Also, I just got out of a 10 month relationship and while I'm back on the dating scene, the ex and I are still "seeing" each other and trying to see if something will work out but we just aren't sure and aren't able to see each other as often as we'd like so it's slow going. After typing that, it sounds horrible but he knows I'm dating. I'm not saying I don't think something could work out with someone else and I view my dating the ex the same as dating anyone else. If I find someone I want to pursue, I would tell the ex it was for sure over.

 

Wow ... I guess I have a messed up situation ... lol. But really, my situation is because he can't commit right now and isn't sure when he can so doesn't think it's fair to ask me not to date ... and he's right!

 

Take it from me ... there are a lot of unresolved feelings when the break up is fresh.

[Am4Real]

I was not demeaning women, a guy that is dating a separated woman should not go into it thinking it's like a regular situation or relationship. I did not say a guy should just "use" a woman that is separated. My comments were based on the fact that the OP maybe did not exercise enough caution and look where it got him. I'm not bitter, I have seen what happens many times when guys date women that are separated and not totally single. Often they get burned.

 

I should update my statement: keep it a little more casual with a separated person; do not get involved too quickly because it is a different situation and they have been known to be confused and emotional; you can have sex with them but do not get too emotionally involved too quickly because it is not a normal situation; they have been know to continue having sex with their Ex (and often lie about it) and they often go back to their Ex. Now, if he or she is a wonderful person, they are over their Ex, they get divorced, you have been cautious and it slowly turns into something more and a good relationship, then great.

 

Explanation and appology (sort of) accepted. LOL!!

 

Don, it would upset me if anyone would not give me the benefit of doubt and start to look at all newly seperated persons as sex objects only and easy pickings. However, your reworded statement is perfect. Can you just cut and paste it going forward so I don't blow a blood vessel.... ;-)

[Don Ho]

Banker Chick: glad you realize you're a mess!

 

Am4Real. Haha. I didn't apologize! LOL. I figured that you took it the wrong way. I was trying to explain it and Banker Chick just gave you some insight from a separated woman's view. No, I wasn't saying they're easy pickings or should be used, I was saying guys (and women) should proceed cautiously when dating someone that's separated. Like Banker said, they're usually still involved with their Ex, still sleeping with them, have unresolved feelings and typically aren't ready to date. Also, you shouldn't take offense Am4Real, everyone on LS knows you're a sex object and a HO!!

[Am4Real]

Banker Chick: glad you realize you're a mess!

 

Am4Real. Haha. I didn't apologize! LOL. I figured that you took it the wrong way. I was trying to explain it and Banker Chick just gave you some insight from a separated woman's view. No, I wasn't saying they're easy pickings or should be used, I was saying guys (and women) should proceed cautiously when dating someone that's separated. Like Banker said, they're usually still involved with their Ex, still sleeping with them, have unresolved feelings and typically aren't ready to date. Also, you shouldn't take offense Am4Real, everyone on LS knows you're a sex object and a HO!!

 

Mr Don, go back and re-read my post -- said the same thing withoout the reference and drama. And yes, your corrected statement is an applogy. So there.

[Don Ho]

Whatever HO!

[Banega100]

i'm fckin sick of this double standard, where women are encouraged to be selective, but when a man looks for a woman for certain needs it's called demeaning.

 

A woman can take the necessary steps to avoid being a part of a booty call, she does, in fact, have what is called free will. Similarly, men can opt not to be emotional crutches women who have no romantic interest in them.