A Year and a Half Later; “Just Nostalgia”

[G-Man]

Hi there. Sorry for the length of this post!

 

I’m not sure what I’ll achieve by posting this. I guess I just need an outlet to express my emotions. I’m a little embarrassed about posting here. I guess I could use some moral support.

 

I feel like I’ve exhausted the patience of some of my friends, and I hate for them to feel like I’m dragging them down. I don’t want to be “that” guy. This year, however, I’ve graduated. Though I have a part-time job, which I kept for four years to sustain myself throughout university, but now I’m looking to start my “career.” The culture shift of moving home from university and lacking any specific career prospects (despite my best efforts) has really made everything hit home. I feel like I’ve hit an all time low, and I’m not quite sure how to pick myself out of it. I’m 22 now, and technically my relationship ended when I was 20. I feel like I should be over this.

 

I’ll give a quick summary for context. It’s quite complicated but I’ll do my best to shorten it… Though it is very long.

 

My relationship ended officially in January 2009. It’s not quite as straight-forward as that, though. It was my first real relationship, and it’s been incredibly difficult to get over it. We started going out in high school in 2006. I was in my last year, she was in the year below me. I went to university and, though we had broken up before the summer, I made an effort to contact her as I missed her terribly. We got together again and I maintained our relationship throughout university; though it was bumpy, on and off.

 

The first real problems came when she went to university herself in September ‘07. She left me because she said she couldn’t cope with the long distance. I was sad, and angry, but she was depressed and dropped out before Christmas ‘07. I initiated a reconciliation and we got back together before the end of the year. We were very happy again, but then she started to change rather radically. During that year, she started making new friends… drinking a lot more; changing her dress sense and personality; going out clubbing constantly - even dyeing her hair blond. As someone who wasn’t really into clubs or drinking much then, I was really alienated from her and got angry with her leading a lifestyle we both used to frown upon, and I didn’t like her new friends much. I felt a growing distance between us. When she started her new course at another university in Sept ‘08, she told me she wanted a fresh start. I didn’t want to give up on our relationship - I was happy! - but she insisted she wanted new experiences with new people. I reluctantly agreed.

 

We still texted a lot though, and tearful phone calls were aplenty… we both missed each other. Ironically in this time I started going out clubbing a lot more and drinking more too. There were suddenly a lot more girls interested than I‘d ever had before. It was a good feeling, and I felt myself growing in confidence. However, I missed her, and I initiated a reconciliation (again). We got back together in December, and I insisted that this time we had to make it stick. She agreed, and she tried desperately to make it work. I don’t know what it was though… but I quickly lost interest. I was infatuated with a couple of other girls very suddenly, and I neglected her terribly. I initiated us breaking up again in January (after Christmas and her birthday), and felt terrible and guilty. She was angry and emotionally drained, knowing I hadn’t really tried and feeling hurt and neglected. I felt like hell, but I tried to stay away so as not to hurt her.

 

In February, however, I initiated another reconciliation. I met her randomly one evening, and asked if we could talk. We got back together again on Valentine’s Day ‘09, but she insisted this was merely a trial run. I was overjoyed, and did everything I could in my power to be good to her; elaborate dates, loads of gifts, thoughtful gestures… everything I could do. It wasn’t enough. One morning in March, after we’d spent the night together, she told me she liked someone else - had already kissed them - and wanted us to stop. I felt betrayed and angry, but she turned it around on me, saying; “Now *you* know what it feels like to be hurt by someone you love.”

 

I was terribly broken hearted, and had a complete breakdown. I spent months calling her, texting her, begging her to come back… etc. Nothing worked. Occasionally she asked me round for sex. Sometimes we’d have sex, and then she’d tell me it really meant nothing, and I‘d leave broken hearted again. She knew how I felt about her, and accordingly I felt hurt and angry, but it went on for months. Eventually she pulled the plug and we went our separate ways for a few months. I poured myself into my uni career. I started running my own radio show, was elected to be in charge of the uni’s TV station (where I excelled and won awards for my performance), and poured myself into excelling academically. I felt fine again… and even started having some other girls, even having sex with them too. Yet nothing substantial came of them. In October, we met again on a night out. We started seeing each other again and I felt really, really, really happy. Yet this was to be short-lived again… she made it clear after a few weeks she felt it was a bad idea. I was gutted, again.

 

In December ‘09, she texted me and told me that she felt this was a necessary time apart; that she still loved me and hoped we would be able to reconcile one day once we’d both sorted out our own lives. I believed her, and felt content again. We continued to meet up occasionally for sex, I’d continue to tell her I missed her, and she’d continue to tell me she wasn’t ready for more yet. In April this year, she finally told me she wanted to stop these hook-ups, because it wasn’t helping out individual growth. I felt like ****. A few weeks later in May, though, she came through to an awards evening to support me, and we kissed again (stayed over, nothing happened). She then asked me to see one of her art exhibitions the following week. I went… and nothing came of it. I was really happy on the day, but nothing came of it.

 

Since then, I texted her telling her I’ve missed her a few times. She sometimes said she wanted to talk, other times told me she wanted nothing to come of it. I met her in a nightclub in town again in July; outside she was crying with her best friend, which I later learned was because she missed me. The next day, however, we were at a party together and she spent the night being passive aggressive and angry to me. I felt hurt and upset. After a few weeks, I asked her to meet me for lunch because I didn’t want to have any tension between us. We met (for three and a half hours!), and though I talked to her about just being friends, I eventually confessed I still loved her and wanted her back. She seemed to debate for a long time with herself over whether it was a good idea… we held hands. We made very deep eye contact for prolonged periods of time. Then she disappeared to the bathroom for twenty minutes, presumably on the phone to her best friend. She came back and told me it was impossible; she was going back to her course, she had feelings for someone else, and that any feelings she had for me were “just nostalgia.”

 

I don’t think I’ll ever forget those words. Nothing has ever made me feel so low.

 

Ever since then… I’ve felt like crap. I’m trying very hard to get the rest of my life sorted out. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for everything else in my life not taking off. I put everything that reminded me of her into a bag and gave it to a friend, so it wasn’t in the house. I’ve put a real focus on getting other things in my life sorted out, like my career (primarily), but nothing’s taken off. I’ve tried to avoid contacting her, but she told me she wanted to be friends when I was ready. I don’t want to do that; I don’t want to permanently kill any opportunity of us ever hooking up again.

 

There have been other girls. Quite a number, in fact, but nothing substantial has ever lasted from them. I’ve had sex with other girls, dated a lot of other girls… but it always seems to come back to her. I actually think perhaps it’s an unhealthy way of coping sometimes; after lunch with her went badly, I reacted by going out, getting drunk, and pulling six girls within a week (none of which went anywhere). I guess I still always used to believe what she’d said in the text about it being temporary; and I felt like regardless of the distance, no matter what, we would reconcile. Now, based on the context of our last meeting… well, it looks like that’s not even true anymore. She seems to have completely moved on.

 

What really gets to me is her almost lesbian-like friendship with her new best mate, who she started hanging out with in April (the same time we stopped having sex). She spends all of her time with this girl; they’re in each other’s FaceBook profiles together, they do everything together, and when they go out to clubs they kiss each other passionately and are all over each other. They jokingly refer to each other as their “girlfriend”. I’ve been assured by plenty of people both are still straight, and I have seen her friend pull a guy at least one week ago when I was in a local club… but still. It sucks. It is also amplified by the fact that we shared the same circle of friends; my best mates still spend a lot of time with her, and I can’t go on their FaceBook pages without seeing pictures of them smiling while those two are getting it on it the background, publicly. It really annoys me that my mates still spend so much time with her; in fact, many of them now spend more time with her than me.

 

Certainly, I’m not the same guy I was when we started our relationship… but neither is she. I feel betrayed that she is such an exhibitionist (pulling her best mate just to get the attention of guys), when she used to be such a sweet and quirky girl. I feel like even if I got her back, she wouldn’t be the same girl I knew. Yet I can’t help but miss her. I found a love letter by her hidden at the back of my sock drawer the other day. It must have sat there for two years without me noticing. I read it, and it basically talked about a future with family and kids… and how, if I asked her to marry me, she would say yes. It reduced me to tears as I read it, and I felt like hell.

 

Time keeps going by, and I keep feeling less and less like a reconciliation is possible. Throughout the last year and a half, we had sex frequently, had dates, and could be on friendly terms. It’s hard to think now that I’m in a worse position that I was then. I just wish I could have what I had back then back again. I really feel like I’ve lost my best friend - the one person I trusted and knew better than anyone else - and even though she doesn’t have a new boyfriend, I feel like I’ve been replaced by her new best friend.

 

And I guess… I feel betrayed. I was with her for years. I stuck by her during all her family problems, her own problems, everything that went wrong in her life. I was there with her from high school, to dropping out of uni, to helping her get her first job, to being there with her every time she endured pain and hardship. I felt like I watched her grow and mature and helped her come into her own. And now I feel like, ironically by helping her develop her confidence, I’ve ultimately been abandoned since she feels like she no longer needs me.

 

I’m trying to get on with my life. Really, really hard. It’s just horrible to think of how close she and I used to be, and how I can’t get that back. I frequently break down into tears thinking about her, and sometimes the slightest thing will make me spend an entire day thinking about her. All of my friends are getting fed up with me complaining about it, and say I should be over it by now. I wish I was.

 

Or, more honestly, I really wish I could have her back. Life has never been the same since she finally left, and I haven’t been truly happy ever since that day in March 2009. I suppose, though, the only real sense of definite closure was in August over lunch. I guess that, feeling the door finally close, was the sense that nothing I could ever do would bring her back. And in some ways, it’s holding me back from attempting to really try hard with my career. Most of the only viable options are abroad or at least require a hefty move away from home. If I do that now… well, I don’t think I’ll ever get a chance to have her back.

 

I’ve not spoken to her for a month, btw. Managed to stop myself from texting her. I just want to call, though, and tell her how I feel. I just want to get through to the side of her that begged me so hard to keep trying, and cried and cried for me to stay, back in December 09.

 

We haven't had sex since April. We haven't kissed since May. Last year, we still had sex at least every couple of months. Now... nothing.

 

Honestly, though people keep telling me I need to move on, I'd still do anything to get her back. I don't want to accept that it's gone.

 

I also feel a sense of guilt, and irony… knowing that back then, I had her. I had promised her that would be it. And I blew it. It was after that things became irreparable, even though I’ve tried so hard ever since to make amends. So, ultimately, I can’t help but feel most of the blame rests on me.

[G-Man]

Sorry to bump this. Just could really use some advice/perspective if anyone has experienced anything similar.

[stellastreet]

G-Man I feel for you, I really do. Have a read around the threads on Coping and you will find all the help you need, trust me. Everybody here has felt the pain of loss but yours seems to have been particularly drawn out, which is no good for anyone's self esteem and confidence. I understand how those words 'just nostalgia' would wound you deeply but as I am sure you have been told, the old cliche time is a great healer applies to you now. I know that dosen't help you as it is all so raw, but it will get better.

 

Be good to yourself and try not to beat yourself up as it takes 2 in a relationship and it wouldn't have been all your fault...trust me, I am a veteran of a few break ups.

 

Be kind to yourself.

[worlybear]

Hey I feel for you too. It sucks when the person you care most about on the planet doesn't want to know.

Reading through your post though, it seems to me that your ex is still growing up-the clubs and intense friendship with her girlfriend, is very typical of someone young.

You are hanging on to an image of how your ex was ,not how she is now. We all do it- I was still remembering how my ex used to be and ignored the fact ,that in reality he hadn't been that person for a long.long time.

Concentrate on things you want to do, places you want to go.

And give the one night stands a miss-you don't need to prove anything!

Focus on meeting more people and have fun- bowling, going to the pics whatever! Good luck and keep posting!

[silic0ntoad]

It's simple for all of us, the people who have been the dumpees, to sit on the other side of this screen, and rail against our pain and suffering and compare it to yours. Realise that what I say should not be taken as anything more then a guideline, G. You have been given a crossroads in life, a test of the will, and either way you choose to go, you will come out stronger.

 

My advice, then. I'd say initiate NC. Wish her farewell, silently, to yourself. Realise the connection you had is no longer there on both ends.

 

Take up a hobby to gobble up some spare time. Enjoy it, and be passionate about it.

 

Change the music you listen to, so as it won't remind you of her.

 

Go to the gym. Start a martial art.

 

Find new friends. Hit the scene.

 

I did all of the above and a year and a half later I am almost OK. Still getting through it. Still coping. Still struggling. Though rarely.

 

We all here cannot forge the path for you; you have to cast it in iron yourself. If you decide to go NC and cut her out of your life completely, I will warn you, it will get alot worse before it gets better.

 

But just like the onset of a storm, it passes, and clears.

[carhill]

OP, IME, it's when you can prune the recount down to one succinct and resolute paragraph that all those other potentials will include one which will be a healthy and long-lived partner for yourself. Perhaps take some time alone, without female distractions, without a wet noodle, and focus on your priorities in life and getting them to 'take off'.

 

No contact will help you heal. Given the details you delve into here, it will have to be total NC; change your contact information and leave this young lady behind.

 

Welcome to LS

[G-Man]

Thanks for all of the responses. I really do appreciate the feedback.

 

I've maintained the no-contact since my last message, as I realise nothing good could come from calling her. Put a renewed focus into getting my career off the ground as well as getting fully back into my primary hobbies of film-making and creative writing. I removed her best friend from my friends list on FaceBook, to save me the hassle of seeing her picture every time I logged in. I've also made an effort to calm down on recklessly pursuing other girls to get over her.

 

Still not feeling great, but I am trying.

 

I will admit, part of me keeps returning to the idea that there must be some approach I haven't tried yet, or that it would never be too late to give it another go. Like... if I just waited long enough, I could have a fresh opportunity to try and approach her again when some of the scars had healed. Of course, in that time she could have found and sustained a new relationship. Equally, of course, so could I.

 

I suppose my primary question is; in your honest opinion, do you think it's too late to wait and attempt another reconciliation later? Or, is it better to consciously avoid thinking that and try to move on? Is a balanced position inbetween possible?

[stellastreet]

The only way gman, imho is to try to move on. NC is very important. In my last break up, i remember i had certain times of the day when the urge was sooooo strong to call him but i knew it was better not to and i distracted myself for those few hours until the urge wasn't so strong. It was awful for about 3 months and then i started to feel better. I am not saying it will take you 3 months to feel a bit better, it may take less or more but look after yourself and forget about the reconciliation.