unsureLP Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Hey LS. I haven't been here in a while because things were going pretty well between my husband and I. I thought we were going in a really good direction, but then... There's too much to catch up on, but here's what I think is most important: (btw, our daughter is 2 yrs old) Positives: - we were communicating much better - there were no fights like the ones we used to have - he had been much happier than the previous year, and went back to school (his job was a huge source of stress and depression) Negatives: - I couldn't bounce back quickly from some of the stuff that happened before, specially sex related issues that began after our daughter was born. I was sexually abused as a child, and forcing myself to have sex with him triggered a lot of bad stuff that refuses to go away. - Once the new semester at grad school started I had to stop seeing my own therapist for lack of time. This has been hard on me as I was in the middle of trauma therapy. - He hasn't pushed me on this, at all. In fact, he hasn't asked me to have sex in about two months. I feel horribly guilty about this, but I can't bring myself to initiate it. - Since he quit his job to go back to school, I took a job while getting my PhD full time. I'm taking 13 credits of doctoral work and working about 20 hrs a week teaching (plus grading, etc). The stress is really getting to me. - Our daughter still clearly prefers me and if the two of us are with her, she constantly rejects him. So... A couple nights ago she rejected him a few times, asking me to read for her, hold her, etc. He got so upset, left the room, told her he was "going bye bye" for good, and got very depressed. I can't imagine how much it must hurt for him to be constantly rejected by her for so long (it's been over one year of this), and we've been trying different things to make it better, but so far nothing. I went down stairs to talk to him, and he said she was spoiled to which I replied, no she's not. He got so mad. Yesterday he told me he doesn't trust that I love him and will never forgive me for saying "she's not spoiled" when he was so upset. He said he can't take being around the two of us, so he wants me to take care of her on Sats and he spends the day with her on Sunday. During the week we both go to school, and I usually put her to sleep. Basically, he and I will never spend time together. I told him this was crazy. He said his bond with me is very weak and he doesn't trust our relationship anymore, and he can't stand the way our daughter treats him when I'm around, he gets mad when I read her a book, or give her a hug, he can't stand to see us having fun together. I'm at a loss. I know the no-sex issue is a big problem, but I don't know anymore. I can't force myself, it was making it worse before. And I can't help but feel like that's just one issue. I don't know what to do about the way our daughter treats him when I'm around, and I don't know how I can help him from getting so upset, jealous and angry. I'm sorry this is a book. I'm still trying to make sense of what's going on.
You Go Girl Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I don't know the feelings that linger with sexual abuse. However, I do know that sex can be very loving between two people. I think if you remind yourself of this often, and your marriage is loving, then you could possibly separate what happened to you when you were abused and what real loving sex is. However I'm not in your bedroom and don't know that your sex is of the loving kind. As for your daughter, I have to ask this--and please don't be offended--but why would she treat him badly when you are around? She feels that she needs to protect her mom from him? Why does she sense this? Why does she feel she can't love both parents at the same time? There's something not right about it.
Author unsureLP Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 With our daughter, I think it's a combination of different things. 1) For a while he was very volatile and I think she could feel it, and she saw some of his anger. She was only around 1 year old, but I think that may have stuck with her. He never did anything with her, but I think she could pick up on his anger even if it wasn't directed at her. 2) From the time she was an infant until one year old, I was the one who would get up to comfort her if she woke up in the middle of the night. If she was upset or crying (during the day) I was the one who responded. As she got older he became much more involved, but I think the association and attachment with me were already very strong. Now when he tries to comfort her, se screams for me. He came in at a disadvantage compared to me (only because of previous attitudes, not because I'm a better parent. He's a great dad, involved and fun and loving towards her). 3) I know she can feel the tension. Whenever he starts a fight in front of her she will try to distract me, pull my hand away from him, she's even tried "playing the guitar" in between the two of us! And I think she sees me crying and tries to protect me. Because our bond is so strong, whenever she feels tension, I think she tries to "take my side" in a way, or maybe protect me from being sad. As for the sex, some things happened in the year after DD was born that made me feel threatened by him. I felt forced to have sex with him to avoid temper explosions, depression, and sometimes scary behavior. All this type of behavior on his part has ended since, but it triggered trauma responses from me. Logically I understand that I need to separate the two now that he's no longer acting like that, but psychologically and emotionally it's very, very difficult to do. That's why I was getting professional help.
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