Author Star_Bright Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 Wow, thanks everyone for all your helpful input. I'm really glad I found this forum because there's so much insight here. I am going to go back and answer questions and address specific posts. But all of this gives me so much to think about and keep in mind. Thank you all. I don't know how much the following is worth but I feel compelled to say it. Ex(?)MM is not without faults- he has many (and many strengths). But I have always felt that he is crazy in love with me. Maybe "crazy" is the operative word. but to me it is worth a lot that he knows, understands and loves me... He just "gets" me in a way no one else ever has. For this I am willing to take some risks.
Silly_Girl Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Your second para comes from your heart, and from mine also. It's a calculated risk. Hope it pays off for you.
siuys Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 BrokenLady, wow, I am kinda speechless. You put up with a lot. Yeah, I realise my situation is quite typical. To be honest, I can't deal with that sort of b.s. anymore that's why he's out. I was very lose on the boundary front with him and hence the stepping all over me but that's over now. No way in hell would I do that again. I still think about him a lot as it has only been a week since NC. But I remind myself everyday the pain and the crap I had to put up with. I would really rather be on my own. More and more, I feel he is not worth it. If he wanted to be with me, he'd be with me. And I thought, if he ever contacts me again, I'd probably ask him to get a D first. But honestly, I think I will have truly moved on by then coz I'm on my way there. I come to LS still every day as I really need to let my stuff out of my system, and offer support where I can. I know every situation is different, but e.g. your story BrokenLady, helps me stick to my guns about my decision to write him off. Just curious, how long have you been with him, and are you guys together now? And since when?
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Do you see how unhealthy this is, the space he's in and him leaving, in 8 days..etc..etc.. Why not just leave and be alone for a while, and THEN contact you? What if he leaves and changes his mind? He goes to you, then in a month, goes back home? Back off and let him have time and space. He is a complete FOOL if he believes he can just walk away from his wife, and go on with his life with you. People need time alone, to sort things out. And I'm sure he has a thousand things to sort through. How many years has he been married? Are there kids involved? He and I had talked about some of this before, so here are my best answers, knowing him and knowing some of the things we'd discussed. By unhealthy... He doesn't think his current situation is healthy at all. He was spending all of his free time with me instead of with his kids, because he never wanted to go home to his wife. When he did go home he was unhappy and wanted to be out, preferably with me, but after awhile he realized it wasn't about me... It was about his unhappiness with her. He said his therapist agreed with him moving out because his current situation and environment is toxic for everyone around. About being alone... I did think he needed time and space alone to deal with these issues but he has begged me for my support. He said he loves me and wants to be with me and he doesn't want to be alone. I can understand that. I couldn't stay while he is still living with her but if moves out I think that is a big step, for him and us, and I won't not be there for him just because it's hard on me. I think sometimes love is hard. I know he's struggling right now but I don't agree he's a complete fool. He's just struggling and trying to find a solution. I understand that his solution may not end up being being with me. But if he tells me he wants me and follows it up with action then I won't completely give up on us. I know it is very hard for him to leave and the choice is his alone to make. He has been married for 17 years I think, together with her for 19. His kids are 13 and 15.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 He shouldn't be making ANY plans for the future with you until he is officially divorced. Good. Glad to hear this. And keep in mind, his teenaged kids are a LONG time away from living with you and him, let alone them inviting their friends over. He seems to be in a fog, to be thinking ahead so far. He has NO control over how his kids are going to react. If he thinks they'll gladly accept the divorce and within a year, they come to visit and have friends over, he is fooling himself. Big time. He's worried about how his kids will feel and has no idea what will happen. Both he and I came from homes where our parents did not love each other yet stayed together. He doesn't think it's best to "stay for the kids" if he's not happy. At first he thought so and tried that but said it did not feel right. He would rather be happy and to him divorce can't be worse on his children in the long run than staying in a bad marriage. I see his point on this (and also saw why he would want to try to stay for the kids-- but that obviously meant no us, so I walked). I guess I personalize this issue because I am still wishing my mom and dad would divorce so they can each be happy on their own. Would it have been a bad experience to go through as a kid? Sure. But so was living with them like that.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I think its great that he's going to be living on his own for a while - its good that you're not going to jump right into living together and stuff - because as much as I hate to say it (especially to you), yeah there could be a possibility that he would go back to her....but you already thought of that. I'm glad that you made it clear to him that you're not getting entangled unless he gets a divorce. I hope you stick to your guns. I'm hopeful for you. You're a smart girl, and I'm sure you're preparing yourself for all the different possible outcomes of this. I hope that this next stretch goes as smoothly (as it can possibly go). Keep us posted Thanks TC. I do realize there's a big possibility he could go back home (if he even leaves... which remains to be seen). This is my fear, but on the other hand, I really just want him to be happy. I don't feel he has purposefully strung me along and tried to use or hurt me. I think he is struggling but he loves me. Perhaps the right thing to do is for him to stay with his family, in which case I will move on. Really I am also waiting for a resolution one way or the other. Because as much as I want to be with him, I don't have a problem with moving on if he is staying put.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Star: how long have you and MM been involved? Physically, for three and a half months. We were emotionally involved before that, maybe for six months to a year prior? We didn't say ILYs or acknowledge it was an affair before it turned physical. But we sent great amounts of time talking and spending time together.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 I don't agree with this. If he loves SB, and she is the reason/a contributing factor to him leaving, and he knows she is potentially waiting... worrying... Of COURSE he will let her know he has plans to move things on. The 'stay away and contact me after the divorce - which may or may not take a year or two' votes astound me. It may be theoretically and morally preferable, but if two people are crazy about each other that is NOT what will happen. I know what you mean, Silly Girl. I had suggested taking a 6-month break once he moves out so he can deal with things on his own. He said, you can't just put a relationship on hold like that. If people want to be in a relationship with someone else... they want to be in a relationship! They want to see the person and have them in their lives. That makes sense to me. Why would I completely cut him out of my life if he is taking concrete steps to be with me?!?! So far he has not but if he follows through I will be there for him.
Author Star_Bright Posted September 27, 2010 Author Posted September 27, 2010 Siuys and BrokenLady, Your dialogue about your experiences really helped show me what may be in store. BrokenLady, it's strange how you said that you keep the pressure on him. I feel that about MM too. And as SillyGirl said... He has told me he needs my love and support to be able to do the things he needs to do for us to be together. I realize that this doesn't mean he'll be able to do them. I have no idea how he will feel once (if) he actually leaves. I understand how like suiys's guy he could have all of these new doubts and fears a month after leaving his home. I'm not sure about much, still confused!, except that we love each other, and maybe that will be enough, maybe it won't be. Thanks for the advice to set boundaries. At this point, if he does leave, my boundaries are: if he lies to me, it's over. I'm a pretty understanding person and I can handle knowing the truth and want to know the truth. There is no reason to lie to me unless he is just being plain selfish. So it's a requirement that he be honest. Yeah, I know, why would he be honest to me when he lies to and cheats on her. Well, I don't know but I won't accept dishonesty. I never lie to him, even if the truth hurts, and I expect the same from him. And another is that if he leaves and goes back home, I'm done. I can be patient and handle some uncertainty once, but he's gotta decide if he's all in or all out. All of this is a bit premature since he hasn't moved out. But if he does, those are my boundaries. Thanks guys.
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