update (?)

[Star_Bright]

For those of you who don't know my back story, briefly, I told exMM I couldn't see or talk to him while he's still living with his wife. We had some LC about work-related issues where he would go off track and ask about my life and if I have seen anyone else (I haven't), etc.

 

He just left a VM telling me he is moving out in 8 days. He said his therapist agrees this is good for him. He also said he told his wife he is moving out and she asked him to stay until her out of town friend leaves, who is coming to visit her next weekend, and he agreed, but he just wanted to let me know he is moving out, he told her, and he loves me and wants to be with me, not her.

 

I'm kind of shell-shocked and don't know what to think so I'm posting here. I believe they are only words until/unless he actually follows through with actions. I also believe, as I have always believed, that he really loves me. Other than that, I don't know what to think.

[Silly_Girl]

For those of you who don't know my back story, briefly, I told exMM I couldn't see or talk to him while he's still living with his wife. We had some LC about work-related issues where he would go off track and ask about my life and if I have seen anyone else (I haven't), etc.

 

He just left a VM telling me he is moving out in 8 days. He said his therapist agrees this is good for him. He also said he told his wife he is moving out and she asked him to stay until her out of town friend leaves, who is coming to visit her next weekend, and he agreed, but he just wanted to let me know he is moving out, he told her, and he loves me and wants to be with me, not her.

 

I'm kind of shell-shocked and don't know what to think so I'm posting here. I believe they are only words until/unless he actually follows through with actions. I also believe, as I have always believed, that he really loves me. Other than that, I don't know what to think.

 

Cautiously optimistic??!

 

It sounds good, you're so right not to take it as gospel. When will you hear from him again? Has he said?

 

I bet this is quite unsettling for you. I know some of what you're experiencing and you have my sympathies.

[siuys]

Proceed with caution. My xMM is separated but that did not make things any easier. He flipped and flopped after separation when reality of his situation hit him. Him moving out did not mean he got his crap sorted, did not mean he is ready and willing to be in a R, did not mean he is emotionally available to the extent that you need or want. It can be just a new chapter with new challenges. I would not take this necessary as a step forward because sometimes it does not mean that. But for your sake, I hope your mm is clear in his head what he wants, but because it's still early days, I would be prepared to be thrown under the bus... sorry.

[Star_Bright]

Cautiously optimistic??!

 

It sounds good, you're so right not to take it as gospel. When will you hear from him again? Has he said?

 

I bet this is quite unsettling for you. I know some of what you're experiencing and you have my sympathies.

 

Yes, cautiously optimistic is how I feel!

 

I always leave it with, please don't contact me if you are still living with her. So, I don't know when I'll next hear from him. I would like to talk to him but I don't want to go against what I told him; I would rather wait and see if he really moves out or not.

 

Thanks for the understanding Silly Girl!

[Ellin]

Hi Star Bright,

 

You have been doing great so far and I admired your attitude towards him and your advice given to others in similar situation.

 

If he moves out and wants to be with you - that's great!! I'm so happy for you and I believe that it can work because of the way you handled things. I also believe for the same reason that you will be fine no matter what.

 

Nevertheless, it might be a long and difficult journey until you get to the place you want to be with him, so yes, be ready for hard times. But I believe it can work as it has for others on this board.

 

So if your dreams do come true - embrace them and enjoy. Remember that you are a gorgeous, amazing woman that any man would be lucky to have!

[Ellin]

Yes, cautiously optimistic is how I feel!

 

I always leave it with, please don't contact me if you are still living with her. So, I don't know when I'll next hear from him. I would like to talk to him but I don't want to go against what I told him; I would rather wait and see if he really moves out or not.

 

Thanks for the understanding Silly Girl!

 

I completely understand and support your stance but he does know that he's still welcome in your life, right?

[Star_Bright]

Proceed with caution. My xMM is separated but that did not make things any easier. He flipped and flopped after separation when reality of his situation hit him. Him moving out did not mean he got his crap sorted, did not mean he is ready and willing to be in a R, did not mean he is emotionally available to the extent that you need or want. It can be just a new chapter with new challenges. I would not take this necessary as a step forward because sometimes it does not mean that. But for your sake, I hope your mm is clear in his head what he wants, but because it's still early days, I would be prepared to be thrown under the bus... sorry.

 

Siuys,

 

I do fear that even if he is ready to move out, he is not ready to get divorced. I fear he is just undecided and has pressure from both of us. I'm not trying to pressure him--I only want to be with him if he really wants to be with me--but I think that by my walking away he feels pressure to be with me or lose me (which is just naturally the situation). I really do want him to do whatever makes him happy. I know I might end up getting hurt in the process but I also think that his leaving home is a big step.

 

It's all so confusing! If you don't mind my asking, what were the circumstances of your guy getting separated? And what do you mean I'll get thrown under the bus? That he'll choose going back to his wife over me? I do unfortunately understand that's a huge possibility.

Thanks for your advice.

[Star_Bright]

Hi Star Bright,

 

You have been doing great so far and I admired your attitude towards him and your advice given to others in similar situation.

 

If he moves out and wants to be with you - that's great!! I'm so happy for you and I believe that it can work because of the way you handled things. I also believe for the same reason that you will be fine no matter what.

 

Nevertheless, it might be a long and difficult journey until you get to the place you want to be with him, so yes, be ready for hard times. But I believe it can work as it has for others on this board.

 

So if your dreams do come true - embrace them and enjoy. Remember that you are a gorgeous, amazing woman that any man would be lucky to have!

 

Ellin, thank you for the kind words and encouragement. I do believe I'll be fine. I love him but I don't want him if he's not all mine. I am happy on my own. I've decided that if we work out, great, if not, I gave it my best and did what I thought was right under the admittedly messed up circumstances, and that's all I can do. If he wants to meet me halfway (I'm a Black Eyed Peas fan, ha ha), yay!, but if not, I don't need him. I will not date for awhile because I'm still quite into him. But when I'm ready there will be other fishies. I'm not even 30 yet (almost!). I agree I'll be fine but I would like an answer one way or another and I'm rather glad he told me this because if he follows through I will support him (knowing there"s still risk, as siuys wisely pointed out) and if he doesn't then he is just not ready and not the guy for me.

 

Thanks again.

[bentnotbroken]

Eight days is still eight days away.

[Star_Bright]

I completely understand and support your stance but he does know that he's still welcome in your life, right?

 

He knows that I love him and want to be with him, but not as the other woman. He knows that if he takes action to get divorced and wants to be with me then I will be with him. But if he stays married I don't want to be with him and really I don't even want to talk to him because it is too hard!! We love each other and to me love is being together exclusively, not on the side. I am done being on the side and I've made that clear. Perhaps I've come down on the harsh side too much but I would rather do that than feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

[Star_Bright]

Eight days is still eight days away.

 

I know!

 

I feel like it gives me a deadline though. If he doesn't leave in 8 days after saying he is going to, then, bye bye. Who would do that?!?!

[TigerCub]

Hey SB,

 

I'm happy to hear about this new development.

But, like the others, and yourself, I'm trying not to get too excited for you prematurely - its better to be cautious in this kinda situation.

 

If he does move out - and I really hope he does.

You're not gonna live together right away are you? I would really advise you against that.

 

Hopefully he'll get his own place, and you guys can be together, and he'd still have enough time on his own to process what he's doing.

 

I truly hope that it works out and he gets a D, and that you two can be happy together.

 

I love your attitude about this. I'm glad that you KNOW that you will be fine either way.

 

Best wishes to you

[Star_Bright]

Hey SB,

 

I'm happy to hear about this new development.

But, like the others, and yourself, I'm trying not to get too excited for you prematurely - its better to be cautious in this kinda situation.

 

If he does move out - and I really hope he does.

You're not gonna live together right away are you? I would really advise you against that.

 

Hopefully he'll get his own place, and you guys can be together, and he'd still have enough time on his own to process what he's doing.

 

I truly hope that it works out and he gets a D, and that you two can be happy together.

 

I love your attitude about this. I'm glad that you KNOW that you will be fine either way.

 

Best wishes to you

 

Hi TigerCub.

 

No, he wouldn't be living with me, mainly because he has two children and he wants them to be able to feel comfortable coming to visit him and having their friends over (they're teenagers) etc.

 

He says he is moving temporarily into his friend's house; his friend is overseas. Then he will look for his own place to rent. He says eventually he's like us to get our own house together. I like that plan, if it is going to happen!

[whichwayisup]

Do you see how unhealthy this is, the space he's in and him leaving, in 8 days..etc..etc..

 

Why not just leave and be alone for a while, and THEN contact you?

 

What if he leaves and changes his mind? He goes to you, then in a month, goes back home?

 

Back off and let him have time and space. He is a complete FOOL if he believes he can just walk away from his wife, and go on with his life with you.

 

People need time alone, to sort things out. And I'm sure he has a thousand things to sort through. How many years has he been married? Are there kids involved?

[whichwayisup]

He shouldn't be making ANY plans for the future with you until he is officially divorced.

No, he wouldn't be living with me, mainly because he has two children and he wants them to be able to feel comfortable coming to visit him and having their friends over (they're teenagers) etc.

 

Good. Glad to hear this. And keep in mind, his teenaged kids are a LONG time away from living with you and him, let alone them inviting their friends over. He seems to be in a fog, to be thinking ahead so far. He has NO control over how his kids are going to react. If he thinks they'll gladly accept the divorce and within a year, they come to visit and have friends over, he is fooling himself. Big time.

[TigerCub]

Hi TigerCub.

 

No, he wouldn't be living with me, mainly because he has two children and he wants them to be able to feel comfortable coming to visit him and having their friends over (they're teenagers) etc.

 

He says he is moving temporarily into his friend's house; his friend is overseas. Then he will look for his own place to rent. He says eventually he's like us to get our own house together. I like that plan, if it is going to happen!

 

I think its great that he's going to be living on his own for a while - its good that you're not going to jump right into living together and stuff - because as much as I hate to say it (especially to you), yeah there could be a possibility that he would go back to her....but you already thought of that.

 

I'm glad that you made it clear to him that you're not getting entangled unless he gets a divorce. I hope you stick to your guns.

 

I'm hopeful for you.

You're a smart girl, and I'm sure you're preparing yourself for all the different possible outcomes of this.

I hope that this next stretch goes as smoothly (as it can possibly go).

 

Keep us posted

[TigerCub]

Do you see how unhealthy this is, the space he's in and him leaving, in 8 days..etc..etc..

I agree that it seems awfully quick, but SB knows that, and she's trying to be causiously optimistic, she's not jumping into anything or getting her hopes way high.

 

 

Back off and let him have time and space. He is a complete FOOL if he believes he can just walk away from his wife, and go on with his life with you.

I didn't get the impression that she was the one chasing after him. She told him not to bother with her until he left W and got a divorce. She's not the one that needs to back off.

 

I think she's being strong and she's sticking to her guns about not getting entagled with him until the D happens.

 

SB also said that they're not going to live together when he leaves.

 

Fine, if his expectations about how quickly he's going to get over his M are not realistic (and I can see the danger in it for SB) - I think that she's handeling the news well, and she'd not getting carried away, getting her hopes up, etc. she still seems to be thinking about the diff outcomes and trying to go with what's best for her.

[nayeli_forever]

Star: how long have you and MM been involved?

[siuys]

StarBright

 

I met my xMM while he was still with his W, about 8 months ago. I told him I could not see him unless he moved out. 3 months into the 'relationship', he did. I was naive, and thought that once he moved out, all would be good. Little did I know... he has repeatedly thrown me under the bus - first saying he was considering reconciliation with his W. Then came back, and then days later said we should give it a 6-month break. We tried, but he contacted me after about 10 days, then I caved, then he caved again multiple times. At this stage, he doesn't know if he wants to be in a relationship - he wants me and he doesn't want me, and said he has a lot of stuff to sort out, and needs to work on himself bla bla bla. I understand all that, but it doesn't cancel out the fact that he stuffed me around. One minute he'd be in it, and next not. He is in Indecision City. He had panic attacks, misses his children, feels guilty, has self doubt... The best thing IS to be on his own. Although he denies it, I am pretty sure he still thinks about whether or not he should really walk away from his M. I have never asked him about divorce because here you have to be separated for a year before any legal proceedings. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck while he flipped and flopped.

 

We have had no contact for a week. I got angry, and realised I had little boundary, and put his needs first. I made excuses to justify his behaviour, and was afraid to lose the connection, feelings, whatever, didn't want to go through the pain. I became needy when I sensed he was pulling away, and the more indecisive he was, the more stuffed I became. I started to lose respect for him, as well as for myself.

 

We are supposed to be on a break for a few months now while he cleans up his sh** but the truth is, I cannot move on and live my life if I 'wait' for him. I told him if he ever makes contact again, it better be all or nothing, and that I am done with crumbs, and done with being stuffed around. And that I do love him, but I love me more.

 

Meanwhile, I have written him off. If he does contact me in future, the ball is in my court, on my terms. I have had enough. I'd rather be alone than in this. Separated men are very unstable emotionally, and they have too much baggage to be in a R straight away. They take, take and take and are not able to give. I am not saying your guy is like this, but the odds are not good.

 

Watch your boundaries. You know when you are loved, and you know when you're not being treated right so keep a clear head and watch the signals and never make excuses for his behaviour, and never forget your own needs and never settle. All the best.

[Silly_Girl]

Do you see how unhealthy this is, the space he's in and him leaving, in 8 days..etc..etc..

 

Why not just leave and be alone for a while, and THEN contact you?

 

What if he leaves and changes his mind? He goes to you, then in a month, goes back home?

 

Back off and let him have time and space. He is a complete FOOL if he believes he can just walk away from his wife, and go on with his life with you.

 

People need time alone, to sort things out. And I'm sure he has a thousand things to sort through. How many years has he been married? Are there kids involved?

 

I don't agree with this. If he loves SB, and she is the reason/a contributing factor to him leaving, and he knows she is potentially waiting... worrying... Of COURSE he will let her know he has plans to move things on.

 

The 'stay away and contact me after the divorce - which may or may not take a year or two' votes astound me. It may be theoretically and morally preferable, but if two people are crazy about each other that is NOT what will happen.

[siuys]

I would love to agree with sillygirl, but I guess in my case, whichwayisup is right. My xMM was SO SURE that he wanted to be with me until a month or so after he moved out, when the reality of his situation hit him. I am not saying that this is the norm for all separated MMs, it just happens to be so in my case. xMM didn't even know that he would and could be feeling all these things until after he moved out, although his M has been in trouble for years. He went to IC (still going as far as I know) and he realised a lot of things about his M, himself and everything and suddenly he realises he needs to be on his own coz he is unsure about so many things, including what he wants/not want. He is also going to MC, and started understanding a lot of what happened in his M.

 

After reading a lot of posts, and also books and other forums/blogs, I realise the flip flop behaviour is quite common as they are essentially emotionally unavailable because of the baggage - hardly a good starting point for any R.

 

I hope it works out for SB as every situation is different... I wish I could say it worked for me. I think if I met xMM a year or so after his separation, things would be very, very different...

 

Despite me writing him off, I still wonder if he will ever contact me again, and if it would be same old, same old, or if he actually will have sorted himself out. Oh well, time will tell.

[Silly_Girl]

But suiys, that comes later doesn't it? That phase? I suspect that many men need the motivation of the love/relationship from the OW to maintain momentum. Not saying it's right. Definitely not saying it's right.

[Brokenlady]

siyus, your experience is actually quite typical. Read other threads I've posted, Mino, and others.

 

It took my DM 2 years and change to move out (only cause I left him), then he spent the next 2 years flip flopping til I left him and meant it more recently. Things in most ways got way worse after he moved out. He had panic attacks, missed his kids, felt tremendous guilt. He did not set up boundaries, wasn't truly sure what he wanted and lied to us both to keep the door open with xW while planning a future with me. He went to great lengths to keep his options open and treated us both like crap. He is only divorced bc his XW filed - he would have felt too guilty doing it himself. He was the king of indecision.

 

The best advice I can give you is keep your boundaries strong, don't bend because you need to protect yourself first and formost.

[Silly_Girl]

siyus, your experience is actually quite typical. Read other threads I've posted, Mino, and others.

 

It took my DM 2 years and change to move out (only cause I left him), then he spent the next 2 years flip flopping til I left him and meant it more recently. Things in most ways got way worse after he moved out. He had panic attacks, missed his kids, felt tremendous guilt. He did not set up boundaries, wasn't truly sure what he wanted and lied to us both to keep the door open with xW while planning a future with me. He went to great lengths to keep his options open and treated us both like crap. He is only divorced bc his XW filed - he would have felt too guilty doing it himself. He was the king of indecision.

 

The best advice I can give you is keep your boundaries strong, don't bend because you need to protect yourself first and formost.

 

BL, that sounds like Hell on Earth. Awful experience for you. How do you trust in him? How do you believe he truly cares for you and won't change his mind or meet someone else? You must be exhausted

[Brokenlady]

BL, that sounds like Hell on Earth. Awful experience for you. How do you trust in him? How do you believe he truly cares for you and won't change his mind or meet someone else? You must be exhausted

 

It was hell on earth. Imagine how I felt when I saw his car in her driveway at 3am when he was supposed to be at his hose, how I felt when I discivered he took her on vacation with the kids last summer well after they seperated behind my back, and how I felt when I discovered that he continued to sleep over at her house and lied to her about engagement (I must have misinterpreted a friendship ring, he told her!). And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I don't wish it on anyone. Sad to say though, I know he doesn't want anyone else. He has some issues of his own surround loss and guilt and I don't honestly see him leaving me for her or anyone else. It's always been him running after me when I'd leave.

 

But I can say he never took me seriously until I was really honestly DONE. My shrink tells me that I need to keep the pressure on him because apparently that's how he moves. Our MC says the same. It is exhausting at times, but it is worth the return I get now.