Epiphany

[siuys]

I woke up angry a few days ago and it helped me see things more clearly. I woke up with an epiphany today. I realised that I never really had a 'relationship' with xMM. It was truly just an affair, and we never really had the opportunity to get to know each other, and do enough normal things that I can say he is the one I want to be with in the longer term. I think we both got caught up totally in our emotional world, and he acted first, thought later, and I probably did the same. It was an emotional, intoxicating relationship with addictive behaviour that was by no means indicative of any potential.

 

My rose-coloured glasses are definitely off my face, and I see the whole thing as it is. I don't believe he deliberately deceived me, but he simply didn't think, and didn't know what the hell he was doing, until the reality of his situation hit him. I think I got needy when he started having doubts, and ended up being a bit of a doormat, giving more, and in return, got more pain for myself.

 

I now realise that I made the A into a much bigger thing than it actually was. I think I didn't want to go through the hurt of letting go of the A, but in the end, there's no escape. The entire situation is simply too warped to base a relationship on. It was never meant to be. I have been on NC now for 6 days and have no desire to contact him anymore. He also has not contacted me, for which I am grateful - after all, if he even cared about me just a little, he would leave me alone and stop messing me about. The thought and realisation that this thing is over gets stronger and stronger everyday. I now don't think of the past as much, don't go through what happened in my head as much, for it is over, the end.

 

A friend asked me if I would see him as a friend in the future. I am not sure. xMM isn't really a friend. And I guess, until I can picture him with another woman, or back with his W and feel nothing, then I suppose I could meet him. My friend also asked me what he is like, and I realised I don't REALLY know him that well, and that I could say more bad things than good things. Wow. That really helped me.

[Silly_Girl]

I think this is wonderful. And you should re-read this on your bad days. On the days you suddenly wake and without warning can think of nothing and no one than xMM. This will help you massively.

 

I hope the bad days are rare.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Silly_Girl

[whichwayisup]

You are in a really good place, and the way your train of thought is, is helpful for truly healing.

 

Keep writing those thoughts out on here! Hopefully those who are close or near to where you are, will read what you've written and come to the same realization.

 

Congrats on the NC, keep going, even if in a week you feel like caving, don't! Come back and re-read this thread!

[Ellin]

Siuys, thanks for sharing this.

 

The way you're dealing with your situation, your strength, calm, clarity - are a real inspiration.

 

I hope good things and real happiness come way very soon.

[lilbunny]

I had an epiphany of my own the other day. I saw somewhere mm had been writing a short bio for something, I wasn't looking for it and I certainly wasn't meant to see it. I know it was done during our A or very shortly after we stopped seeing each other (supposedly for a fixed amount of time while he sorted his thoughts out). He used the same term of endearment for his W he used to give to me. It made me angry, then it hurt, then angry again (this time at myself for being such an idiot) and now has given me the kick up the butt to get on with my life and get back out there.

I'm still hurting, I'm not going to kid myself there won't be bad days but I'm going back to that thought every time. Good luck siuys I hope you will hang on to these thoughts when it gets tough too.

[siuys]

lilbunny, i can feel the pain when i read your response. It is hard to accept that we are not all that special in the end. We think we have something unique and special, but the reality is a different story. Don't beat yourself up (I understand the anger and the hurt).

 

Hang in there and good luck, too.

[TigerCub]

Siuys I'm really happy for you for being able to get to a place where you see things and it makes you want to move on.

I think that's a fantastic step forward for you. It will give you the strength you need to deal with the loss and move on.

 

Yes, we miss xMMs but as long as we see what we were blinded to before, I find that it gives us the drive we need to find something better.

 

 

He also has not contacted me, for which I am grateful - after all, if he even cared about me just a little, he would leave me alone and stop messing me about.

I found this quote interesting, because I've heard that view before. The way I've looked at it personally was nothing like that. I looked at it more like "If he really cared about me, if he loved me or missed me like he claimed, he'd want to contact me"

 

I like your way of thinking better

 

Be proud of yourself for all you've learned and all you've done to move forward

[Star_Bright]

 

 

I found this quote interesting, because I've heard that view before. The way I've looked at it personally was nothing like that. I looked at it more like "If he really cared about me, if he loved me or missed me like he claimed, he'd want to contact me"

 

I like your way of thinking better

 

 

Yeah, I don't know how to look at the him-contacting me thing. I have both views because I've been so confused. When I want to get over him I think, why can't he leave me alone... if he really loved me and knew he couldn't be with me then he would just leave me in peace. But when I want to be with him, I'm glad he keeps in contact and shows me he still wants to be with me. I dunno. Every sitch is different but I think that if MM really knows he can't be with OW, he needs to not bother her at all. But the problem seems to be that usually at least a part of MM thinks he can be with OW, he just needs to get up the strength to leave or wait until a certain time etc... and it doesn't seem to me that MMs ALWAYS string along OW on purpose, or lie to them, it's just that they want to be with OW but also can't find the courage to tell that to the wife. I'm sure it would be hard for an MM to admit, as much as I love OW, I am sure I cannot be with her, so I will set her free. So what I told MM is that while he's still living at home, even if he thinks he wants to be with me, he is not really with me, and needs to not bother me. Sometimes he seems to get that and tries to abide by my boundaries (which I'm not so good at keeping) and other times he gets weak I guess or just wants to make sure I'm still available I guess, and finds dumb reasons to call or text. It's like slow torture either way... whether he contacts me or not... so I really don't know which one is better. Obviously if he is not going to be with me then total NC is best so I can move on. It would help if I knew that he did love me but wasn't contacting me BECAUSE he loved me (and not to feel rejected). It helps that I always re-initiate the NC because I feel like I am in control and he is not rejecting me.

 

Sorry if this is a t/j. I can't relate to the epiphany because I feel like I know MM very well and he knows me very well and that in many ways what we had was like a real relationship. But I can relate to the thoughts of relief at him not contacting me... when he didn't contact me for even 24 hours I thought, good, it shows he respects me enough to not try to still have me when he isn't going to give me his all. I totally thought that way so I get it. In my sitch I really do believe MM loves me so it was easy to think, he is going by what I told him because he loves me. But then when he does contact me I fall into thinking, he is contacting me because he loves me and misses me. So I guess I give MM a win/win situation ha ha. Maybe it's just my way of dealing with it. I dunno.

 

Thanks for the thoughts to consider.

[siuys]

BrightStar, I know how you feel. I was constantly thinking the way you are thinking now but it just got to the point where I am unwilling to compromise anymore if he cannot make a decision. I want to give our R a shot, and do believe MM loves me, but action is important. Until he can be 100% in it, if he chooses to, I no longer want to sway around without boundaries. I went through hell missing him, wondering if he is going to make contact, and if not, what it means yada yada. I'm over it. I know when someone loves me and wants to be with me. Period. All I can say is here is not ready, or completely convinced, and still messed up so he can go sort out his crap and leave me alone. I doubt he will contact me now after my angry email which set the boundaries. If he does, and it is within a few weeks i.e. not long enough for him to have sorted his crap out, I will simply not respond.

[Star_Bright]

BrightStar, I know how you feel. I was constantly thinking the way you are thinking now but it just got to the point where I am unwilling to compromise anymore if he cannot make a decision. I want to give our R a shot, and do believe MM loves me, but action is important. Until he can be 100% in it, if he chooses to, I no longer want to sway around without boundaries. I went through hell missing him, wondering if he is going to make contact, and if not, what it means yada yada. I'm over it. I know when someone loves me and wants to be with me. Period. All I can say is here is not ready, or completely convinced, and still messed up so he can go sort out his crap and leave me alone. I doubt he will contact me now after my angry email which set the boundaries. If he does, and it is within a few weeks i.e. not long enough for him to have sorted his crap out, I will simply not respond.

 

This is so confusing and rollercoastery that I wonder why I stay in. I guess the answer is I am already in so deep. To have contact makes me rollercoastery. To not have contact makes me rollercoastery. With him or without him is hard!! I wish I had never gotten in but now what. I guess boundaries and living for myself is all I can do. Sometimes I see happy families with little kids and stuff (and I don't even necessarily want kids) and I think, why do I let my life be so topsy-turvy, why can't I go for someone steady and totally available??? I guess part of me has always liked risks and adventure but then I get the pain too. Argh.

[KarmasTestDummy]

I echo what others are saying, but I also ask you to keep one thing in the back of your mind. You are going through the phases of grief. It's much the same as losing a loved one to a tragic death. If you don't believe me', Google it. Anger is one of those phases. So is acceptance, but sometimes it is a false acceptance. Sometimes you feel like you have reached closure but haven't. Denial is another. Sometimes you (and by you I don't mean you specifically) are in denial by falsely telling yourself you have accepted it, while sometimes you may be in denial by expecting him to wake up and realize how much he needs you. Anger usually follows denial again once you realize he isn't running back to you like you expected. I grieved the end of my marriage terribly despite him never deserving me. I think it took me' a year to be at the final stage of acceptance. My realization didn't come until i could see him, and sit 10 feet away without going through anger or sadness. When I could give him a hug goodbye without secretly hoping he'd squeeze me' tightly or kiss my cheek or whisper he still loves me'. He cried the last time I took my kids for a visit. He saw me texting and wanted to know who it was. I lied and said a friend. He said to please ask 'HIM' not to text me' when he was around, and then went out to the garage and wept. I walked in there and it struck me how much he is still hurting despite bringing it upon himself. He told me' he had no idea how badly it would hurt to see me' move on. This could have been a very gratifying experience during my periods of grief but at that moment I just hurt for him. I thought for the first time ever he was feeling the pain I felt for years and no more than I think he wants me to live alone and miserable, I realized I don't want that for him either. I felt hope for the first time ever that him and the OW he chose over me' find every happiness they can together.

 

Not to negate the epiphany or your feeling of acceptance that you are finally done, but this is a long journey...one that

May take more than 6 days or even 6 months. But that true moment of acceptance won't Likely bring you to this website to post about it. We use this place as a crutch for our emotions. I think the day you really realize your in that place will be the day you realize you haven't been on LS in over a month and didn't even notice you were too busy living and enjoying life.

[siuys]

I agree with you Karmas. I know I am not out of the woods yet, but I feel at least I am in the process, and I do see progress. I am no longer thinking about him day and night, every other minute. My diet is back to normal and no longer losing weight, I am exercising again and can concentrate and read a book! I still have down moments when I think about him, but I also know myself, once I have made a decision, I stick to it, and I do get over things relatively fast and don't usually dwell. But I agree, I'm not done done yet but believe me, I'm determined to get there. Where I was is so not where I want to be again. I think about him yes, but I so do not miss the flip flopping and the rollercoaster ride. But yes, I agree, if I no longer come to LS and post, I'm half way there...

[ladydesigner]

lilbunny, i can feel the pain when i read your response. It is hard to accept that we are not all that special in the end. We think we have something unique and special, but the reality is a different story. Don't beat yourself up (I understand the anger and the hurt).

 

Hang in there and good luck, too.

 

This was the hardest thing for me to accept in the end. I have finally moved on from this thought and have become okay with it. No one likes to be rejected.

[silverplanets]

....

I realised that I never really had a 'relationship' with xMM. It was truly just an affair,

 

...

 

 

This is spot on for me.

 

I think, and this is entirely personal, that when the penny drops that you never really had a relationship and was simply an affair (no matter how intense, or what you believed at the time) then letting go becomes so much more staightforward.

 

I'm impressed by your post

 

be safe

Chris

[pureinheart]

I woke up angry a few days ago and it helped me see things more clearly. I woke up with an epiphany today. I realised that I never really had a 'relationship' with xMM. It was truly just an affair, and we never really had the opportunity to get to know each other, and do enough normal things that I can say he is the one I want to be with in the longer term. I think we both got caught up totally in our emotional world, and he acted first, thought later, and I probably did the same. It was an emotional, intoxicating relationship with addictive behaviour that was by no means indicative of any potential.

 

My rose-coloured glasses are definitely off my face, and I see the whole thing as it is. I don't believe he deliberately deceived me, but he simply didn't think, and didn't know what the hell he was doing, until the reality of his situation hit him. I think I got needy when he started having doubts, and ended up being a bit of a doormat, giving more, and in return, got more pain for myself.

 

I now realise that I made the A into a much bigger thing than it actually was. I think I didn't want to go through the hurt of letting go of the A, but in the end, there's no escape. The entire situation is simply too warped to base a relationship on. It was never meant to be. I have been on NC now for 6 days and have no desire to contact him anymore. He also has not contacted me, for which I am grateful - after all, if he even cared about me just a little, he would leave me alone and stop messing me about. The thought and realisation that this thing is over gets stronger and stronger everyday. I now don't think of the past as much, don't go through what happened in my head as much, for it is over, the end.

 

A friend asked me if I would see him as a friend in the future. I am not sure. xMM isn't really a friend. And I guess, until I can picture him with another woman, or back with his W and feel nothing, then I suppose I could meet him. My friend also asked me what he is like, and I realised I don't REALLY know him that well, and that I could say more bad things than good things. Wow. That really helped me.

 

You know Siuys, exDM was very attracted to me, and in some ways does love me, although I think deep down he knew D was headed his way.

 

When first meeting him when he seemed to be everywhere I was, I don't think he thought D was possible.

 

When the EA did take place we were both extremely vulnerable...bottom line is he kept telling me, "what I really need is a friend". If he ever told me the truth it was that, right there. I should have heard that and not the "I love you's".

 

We were meant to be friends...period.

[pureinheart]

This is so confusing and rollercoastery that I wonder why I stay in. I guess the answer is I am already in so deep. To have contact makes me rollercoastery. To not have contact makes me rollercoastery. With him or without him is hard!! I wish I had never gotten in but now what. I guess boundaries and living for myself is all I can do. Sometimes I see happy families with little kids and stuff (and I don't even necessarily want kids) and I think, why do I let my life be so topsy-turvy, why can't I go for someone steady and totally available??? I guess part of me has always liked risks and adventure but then I get the pain too. Argh.

 

SB, I was right there (bold) 3 years ago...after going through a D with him and everything being all about him, I got tired of that quick.

 

It does get better, it really does...I am better now, much better.

[Star_Bright]

SB, I was right there (bold) 3 years ago...after going through a D with him and everything being all about him, I got tired of that quick.

 

It does get better, it really does...I am better now, much better.

 

Thanks, Pureinheart. How did it get better for you? I take it you're no longer with your MM who got divorced? Can you tell me a little more? Thanks.

[Dasha]

This is so much what I need to hear right now. Thank you all for your honesty.

 

Before I succumb to the feelings of pleasure that come from a married man's seeming interest in me, I need to remind myself of the aftermath that I will go through, and ask myself, is this guy worth it?

 

I already know the answer is no. The internet is a Godsend, truly. You have all helped me so much. Thanks again.

[siuys]

Dasha, I think you are VERY wise if you can NOT get involved with this married man who is interested in you. The guy might be worth it, but NOT when he is not available. Period. Sounds like you will walk away. All the best.