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I love my girlfriend more than my life but i dont lust her

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retro Member

retro

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Hello all,

 

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE LONG POST. CANT FIND A BETTER WAY TO EXPRESS MYSELF.

 

I am really frustrated and i have ran out of options. I really wanted to open to someone and get advice and came across this forum.. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful amazing girl for almost 5 years. I am 23 and she is 21. We connect to each other at many levels, she has the most wonderful personality i have seen in any person. she has no problem saying what she feels. Me on the other hand is not very social and always have a problem saying "no" to people and telling what i really feel for the fear of hurting them.

 

Though we love each other more than anything, i dont find her sexually attractive. She is my first and only girlfriend. Both of us are still virgins. we ve been having this problem for all these years and we still dont have a solution. We both have average looks but my problem is i simply cannot look at the person i love the most sexually. I had a crush, (though she did not reciprocate) on another girl before meeting my current gf and even back then i liked her for some reason but it was not for her looks. I din even imagine having sex with her.

 

Same thing with my current gf. Not that i dont like having sex with her but i simply don lust her. This is getting complicated because she is very unhappy though she loves me and she even thinks i am not interested in sex altogether. I love sex a lot and watch porn almost everyday and physically also i don hav any problems. ED, premature ejaculation etc. We do have sex once in a while but it lacks passion, though i pretend its not so. But its obvious.

 

This is taking a toll on out relationship because pretending to be sexually attracted to her doesnt work and i end up hurting her even more. I don know how the future looks. We love each other so deeply and i know the right thing to do would be break up and let her go.

 

I simply cant imagine letting her go.. In fact i would never have the guts to do it. I cant even imagine a minute without her in my life. But i cant go ahead hurting her either. I am really confused and frustrated and i dono what to do. Please help me by letting me know your views.

 

I wanna marry this girl and wanna live the rest of my life with her. Even she loves me more than anything except for the fact that our relationship lacks romance.

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jamesum Established Member

jamesum

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Lust is often confused with love.

 

So since you know you dont lust, that means you really do love her.

 

Trust me, not lusting for the one you love is a good thing because it is purely emotional connection.

CLC2008 Established Member

CLC2008

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Lust is sexual attraction, an intense feeling of physical attraction towards someone.

 

Are you capable and have you felt that way towards other women?

 

Ultimately, lust will not keep a relationship together and it cannot sustain it, but I do think there has to be a mutual romantic attraction towards each other on some level.

threebyfate Established Member

threebyfate

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What you might want to try is to lay off the porn for awhile and see if that picks up your drive for her. Also, see if you can't convince her to spice up your sex life in some way. Don't know what turns you on and truthfully, aren't really interested in hearing about it but if you can somehow shake up the sexual complacency, it might get more satisfying.

 

Straight up. If you can't fix the sex component in your relationship, don't even consider getting married. This is a very important and healthy part of any relationship in that it increases intimacy and connection for couples.

jamesum Established Member

jamesum

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Ow wait, so you guys are virgins who have sex once in a while? Awesome ...

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retro Member

retro

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Thanks all for the replies. I am new to this forum but this is really taking the pressure off of me because i havent really got a chance to talk about this to anyone in these 5 years.

 

And sorry about the confusing way that i mentioned that we do have sex once in a while but are still virgins. I was practically shattered when i wrote the post so i did not get my words right. When we have sex we do everything except, vaginal penetration (what do you call sex without penetration? still sex i believe. i dont know how else i would call it). Anyways, we did try to do it but she found it too painful and i dont want to force her either.

 

@CLC2008

 

" Ultimately, lust will not keep a relationship together and it cannot sustain it, but I do think there has to be a mutual romantic attraction towards each other on some level. "

 

This is exactly what she keeps telling me also. I hate to admit but i really dont understand what it means. By romantic attraction what do you mean?

 

I want her to live like a princess when we get married. I am even willing to learn cooking and do all the household chores so that she wouldnt have to do a thing at home. I want her to have the best life possible. I dont think that could love anyone the way i love her ever and its even more weird because i really dont know why i am so obsessed about her and love her this much. I mean when we have good times i feel on top of the world, and when she is upset with me for even one day or one hour for that matter, i lose interest in everything else in life. Work, food, workout, sleep my friends everything. And trust me, we dont have problems about anything else except the romance and sex part, because i ensure and almost constantly think not to upset her with anything else in life.

 

Even she is aware of the fact and she knows that she loves that i am the best possible match for her, except for sex.

 

So i ask you. I am ready to do anything for her and lose anything for her except her. If the love i have for her is not "romance", then what is?

 

Do you mean to say that romance exists somewhere in between love and lust?

 

I am very confident that i could have a normal sex life her. The reason i say this is because, though i said i dont lust her, i do enjoy it a lot when i have sex with her. But she just could not scratch out that feeling of me not being sexually interested in her. She does try, but honestly when we are sexually intimate she keeps thinking that I have sex with her just to pretend that i find her hot and to keep the relationship true.

 

And for the same reason she wouldn let me touch her also at times and quite frankly thought it should hurt me a lot (if i have the hots for her just physically) it doesnt as much as it is supposed to.

 

 

Also there is one another thing that i want to confess at this point. I used to watch porn, and do online cyber sex chat when i was in my teens just like any other normal guy at that age would do. I was not in my hometown for almost 3 years because of work and i was living with my flatmates, and i dint have an internet connectivity (well! didnt needed one at that point because i dint even a computer of my own since i was staying away from home). Anyways, i moved back to my hometown almost an year ago, and though i do love her a lot and felt terrible for the things that ve been goin in our relationship, i started doing online sex chat again.

 

Quite frankly i would never get into a physical relationship with someone other than my girlfriend not just because i love her but also because it goes against everything i believe about true love and also partially because i am scared. But i just clung on to online sex chat as i though since its not real i wouldn hurt anyone and also keep my mind sexually at ease.

 

She found out once eventually. But the thing that shatters me the most and even make me feel like crying when i say this, is not that she found out that i was doing cyber sex but the fact that she did not seem to take it seriously at all. I mean thats the kind of person she is. She would never want to take away anyone's independence even if its her lover's. And this in one attribute of hers that made me fall for her in the first place. When i am around her she would want me to be myself.

 

This changed my perspective a lot and i did stay off cyber sex for while before i started doing it again. This time also she found out and and that just happened yesterday. She still talks to me but its is evident that is avoiding me. She is giving me the stone wall. i dono what i am suppiosed to do. I am clearly losing it. Just like what threebyfate adviced i am planning to stay off the porn. I mean she is so perfect in almost every way that i cant think on any reason why i should come to peace with myself if she ever decides to break things up with me.

 

I want to make this work and i certainly want to marry her, have kids with her and grow old with her but i am scared its not gonna happen. Though it may sound a little too cliche, if things end between us, i could never love someone again. I keep saying this to her but she would just think i am being dramatic but i know better about myself and i know there must be people out there who know exactly what they mean.

 

I have the most perfect girlfriend, and the most perfect relationship(except for the hickups that been going on) but deep down below i think its all gonna fall into the ocean very soon if we dont fix it. Problem is i am willing to do anything it takes to fix our sex life.

 

But i cant blame her either. Being a guy i wouldnt understand how girls would think but i believe for women, once they know the magic is gone its just gone. Anything other problem can be fixed but i doubt that this could be. She tries but i think i am putting too much pressure on her.

 

I feel alive after all these years because finally i am able to open up to someone with exactly what i have in mind without having to sugercoat it or anything. Appreciate the advice. Honestly at his point its the only thing i look for. WHAT SHOULD I DO???

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retro Member

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At this point i would also like to confess one more thing about me so that any advice that you give wont be biassed towards my side. When i said i did cyber, i had a small thing for roleplay and some mild BDSM games. I mean this was just a fantasy for me and my intention was strictly to keep it a fantasy in the online world. I never ever imagined to have that lifestyle incorporated into our sex life.

 

Where i am from this may be a relatively new topic (BDSM etc) but i am pretty sure that around the world men have such fantasies all alone. On knowing this she now thinks that i am a pervert and that i am a submissive by nature. I really dont understand how on earth i could explain to her that it was nothing more than a fantasy, but i couldn help feeling guilty for letting a mere online sexual fantasy ruin a thing as beautiful and big as my relationship. At the same time i also couldnt help thinking that all the men out there have one fantasy or the other but it all stays within their head

and that shouldnt get in the way unless i force her to play my fantasies.

 

(I have never done that and i ll never do that the woman i love ever)

 

This will be one more opinion about me that will be etched on her mind forever and right now i am really really really scared that things are going to end bad pretty soon. I cant even imagine a life without her in it.

florence of suburbia Established Member

florence of suburbia

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It sounds like your attitudes toward sex are a bit warped. I've never said this to anyone on here as I don't like to throw labels around, but I honestly think you might have a Madonna / Whore complex.

 

What culture are you from?

CLC2008 Established Member

CLC2008

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Romantic attraction is the opposite of platonic, basically.

 

And I will end it there, because, I don't agree with any of the other points you've mentioned within your relationship and my advice would not be supportive at this point.

 

Best of luck.

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retro Member

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florence of suburbia: i am from India. I am an atheist and i don exactly understand if this is what you meant by my culture. Thanks for the advice though. Do you mean to say that I should change my way of thinking?
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retro Member

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And please be a bit clear about what you meant by a madonna/ whore complex. I don seem to understand.

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@CLC2008

 

Thanksfor your honest comments. I really wasnt expecting a supportive comment but an honest one because that i am the one carrying all the guilt. my girlfriend deserves a better life. She is the best person anyone could possibly have and i blew it all up. I would never forgive myself. NEVER. Thanks.

MichelleZB Established Member

MichelleZB

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Retro, I suspected from your first post that you were a confused kinky person, and your third post confirmed what I'd already figured out. Your problem is not that uncommon.

 

How can I tell? Well, you're confused about sex. We keep getting weird, contradictory statements from you. You're not attracted to her, but you like having sex with her--what? Also, you seemed to like to make big, sweeping statements about your unhealthy obsession with this girl, and how much you wanted to serve her.

 

It seemed to me from the start that it wasn't that you didn't find your girlfriend attractive, but that you have fantasies about the kind of sex you want that you are too afraid to ask her to explore with you. Why do you do chatrooms? Well, because those girls will domme you a little bit, and you want that. Right?

 

If you love this girl, you have to leave her for a few years to figure yourself and your needs out. You are spewing confused sexuality at her, and she's only 21 and doesn't deserve this kind of hurt. Right now, you are so confused that you are hurting her. You know that.

 

You're not going to die if you leave her. You don't "love her more than life itself". Your twisted sub brain just likes saying stuff like that. Leave that in fantasy-land for now.

 

Tell her that you love her, but that your ideas about sex are confused and you know that's hurting her. Tell her that you need to be on your own for awhile to figure things out, and that maybe in a few years, if the stars align and you meet again, you can be a better boyfriend to her.

 

Because, currently, you're being a ****ty boyfriend. You have certain expectations of a sex partner, but aren't allowing her or asking her to meet them. Because she is not fulfilling your sexual fantasies, you are punishing her (through rejection). But if she ever tried to be the kind of person you would fantasize about, you tell us you would lose respect for her. Well, what the hell is she supposed to do, dude? Be a domme and have you hate her because you apparently don't respect people you want to ****? Or be someone you respect but constantly reject? Do you realize the ****ed up position you're putting her in?

 

Once your break up with her, do your research. I'm not involved in the BDSM scene so I'm not sure where to direct you. But Dan Savage would be a place to start. And there's some book about BDSM that's supposed to be good...

Els Established Member

Els

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Retro, I suspected from your first post that you were a confused kinky person, and your third post confirmed what I'd already figured out. Your problem is not that uncommon.

 

How can I tell? Well, you're confused about sex. We keep getting weird, contradictory statements from you. You're not attracted to her, but you like having sex with her--what? Also, you seemed to like to make big, sweeping statements about your unhealthy obsession with this girl, and how much you wanted to serve her.

 

It seemed to me from the start that it wasn't that you didn't find your girlfriend attractive, but that you have fantasies about the kind of sex you want that you are too afraid to ask her to explore with you. Why do you do chatrooms? Well, because those girls will domme you a little bit, and you want that. Right?

 

If you love this girl, you have to leave her for a few years to figure yourself and your needs out. You are spewing confused sexuality at her, and she's only 21 and doesn't deserve this kind of hurt. Right now, you are so confused that you are hurting her. You know that.

 

You're not going to die if you leave her. You don't "love her more than life itself". Your twisted sub brain just likes saying stuff like that. Leave that in fantasy-land for now.

 

Tell her that you love her, but that your ideas about sex are confused and you know that's hurting her. Tell her that you need to be on your own for awhile to figure things out, and that maybe in a few years, if the stars align and you meet again, you can be a better boyfriend to her.

 

Because, currently, you're being a ****ty boyfriend. You have certain expectations of a sex partner, but aren't allowing her or asking her to meet them. Because she is not fulfilling your sexual fantasies, you are punishing her (through rejection). But if she ever tried to be the kind of person you would fantasize about, you tell us you would lose respect for her. Well, what the hell is she supposed to do, dude? Be a domme and have you hate her because you apparently don't respect people you want to ****? Or be someone you respect but constantly reject? Do you realize the ****ed up position you're putting her in?

 

Once your break up with her, do your research. I'm not involved in the BDSM scene so I'm not sure where to direct you. But Dan Savage would be a place to start. And there's some book about BDSM that's supposed to be good...

 

I second this, except the breakup part. I feel people think of 'breaking up' as a bandaid to fix everything... having trouble with any part of your life? Break up, so you can figure out what to do. Well, I honestly think some things can be fixed while still being with your partner, by working on it TOGETHER. And sex is best worked on together, really.

 

Like this poster, I suggest you go read up on BDSM (not from the porn sites, from the educational ones), and gradually explore your interest in it through that manner instead of cybersex. I honestly think the problem is as simple as you repressing your sexual tendencies because you have been indoctrinated into thinking of them as 'wrong'.

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retro Member

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Hello all.. First of all thank you for all the response. It means a lot to me. In all these years i was never able to open up to even my best friend this way without opinions about my relationship being a bit biased towards myself. Call it human defensive nature. Out here i dont have worry about saving my reputation and let out all the guilt and pain that i have. Seriously for someone who is in an emotionally tight spot as I am this sure means everything. I doubt that even pyschologists and psycho analysts would have such honest opinions because all your opinions come from your heart without the least prejudice and unprofessional honesty. I am really happy that i made the decision to open up in this forum. These are the things that i could never say to my lover without having to make things further complicated.

 

@florence of suburbia - I read about the madonna - whore complex and though half of it might actually appear to apply to me, i dont think that i had a bad childhood relationship with my mother. She was not an amazing friend to me in my childhood and she backed me in everything, she didnt boss me or overprotect me. So i would have to rule that one out as a reason, but then, who knows, i am the victim here. so what you say may even be true. Thanks for your opinion though.

 

@MichelleZB - Hi Michelle. Part of what you said might be true, and i am not going to write pages trying to defend myself because that was not my intention when i first posted on this forum. So i ll be honest in what i have to say. I was under the assumption all these years that just like any other guy i too was having fantasies. Which man doesnt? I also at times could fantasize about becoming batman and fighting crime and lead a secret adventurous life like Bruce Wayne/ batman but come on, thats what fantasy is about right? unreal and imaginary.

 

But there is also another side to the coin. I dont even know what to say because i am really confused at this point. Well i said i did not lust her enough but i really enjoyed having sex with her. See, what i try to say is everyone loves their girlfriend and most men might even be deeply passionate about their partners. But how many men do u think would have a higher lust quotient to their wives and girlfriends when compared to what they would have for anjelina jolie, or megan fox or some other celebrity?

 

My point is, I understand exactly what you try to say, but i think ( i may be wrong) that i am generally kind and soft natured as a person, i never say No to anyone, i couldnt and i always talk (sometimes i go through a lot of trouble to lie) to talk in such a way that I would please all the persons involved in a conversation. At times, i really lose track of what I want and what i desire. Do you mean to say that all that makes me a person with submissive tendencies???

 

And the obsession that i have for her is not because of my fantasies but i seriously dont know what it is about her that i love so so so much. She has been with me for only years and i know life certainly would go on, but i really see only blank and vacuum in a life that doesnt have her it it. I dono if she feels the same way about me because at times she confesses to, but i should say she is a very confused (i find it cute btw :)) person and i never know what really is on her mind.

 

She says that her thinking is simple but it complicated. I really dont understand the signals that come from her. When she is upset she says that she is miserable and she would be better off without me (though i try to deny is painfully true) and at other times she would say that she is the most luckiest girl in the world to have me as her boyfriend and she would never want to leave me (in spite of all the sexual disappointments she has with me). I don t know if she wants me or if she wants me to leave.

 

Thank you so much for yr opinion though Michelle. It does add a lot of clarity to my confused head. I really appreciate that you took the time to read and respond.

 

 

@Elswyth

 

Thanks for the optimistic approach that you suggested about working things out without having to break up.

 

My problem wit that is this. My girlfriend is a very straight forward person. Her thinking system is such that she works on first impressions. For example, she asks me for a favour, say to pick her up from some place. At first i feel tired to head out so I say No. after a while i feel bad and terrible and call her once again and agree to pick her up. IMO, this is normal and ok because though initially i said No to her request later i felt bad and guilty because i love her and would want to help her, by changing my mind.

 

But in her mind the opinion now strongly written is, I refused to pick her up in the first place. So later if i offer to, she thinks its only because she asked me to i still really dont want to do it with all my heart though this is not at all true. (because i make up my mind to pick her up because i love her and feel bad about my earlier decision and changed my mind)....

 

The same attitude has been rocking our sex life too. I mean i do confess that i was not as passionate as i should have been before, but later i realize how big a mistake i have been making in my life and i when i do approach her for sex, she thinks that i do that only to make it right for her and not because i want to. This nature of hers really complicates things and it upsets me a lot and i have come to the point of believing that anything not done the first time in matters pertaining to her will go to the gallows. Is this tendency right???

 

I don mean to say that she hasnt given me chances hoping things would get better but never has she done that without preconceived opinions about the person i am. I mean how would a person feel when he is making his move to someone who is constantly and undoubtedly doubting his every intention as a mere attempt to make things right. This upsets me a lot. She wouldnt understand if i say this to her either.

 

So i think having things talked over will ever be fruitful.

 

Would be glad if women out there could tell me if all women think this way. Forming first opinions that never change. I know at some level they do. But it would help to know your views.

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retro Member

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And to make things even more clear from my side, in order to invite clear opinions, I do agree that i was not as passionate as any guy should be towards his girl and i did not have the lust that i was normally supposed to have for her and even though i said i am sexually attracted to her in the beginning as much as i should have , I really enjoy having sex with her though it disturbs me when i do it because i constantly get this feeling that i am under the light of her suspicion and this clearly makes me feel upset. I sure hope you understand what exactly i mean. Our sex life lacks passion, period. But that does not mean I would totally not enjoy having sex with her. I mean when i do it I do enjoy it completely because a physical feeling as strong as sex is too hard not to enjoy even for the most passionless souls.

 

This is what i try to explain to her. Since sex is something that i do for myself as against what she believes (as a means to fix things) I really believe that our sex life would get much better if she only stops questioning my intentions for doing it. I sound like a selfish ***tard when i say this and i know it but if you analyze what i say carefully you would understand that i am trying to have a happy sex life with her because i love having sex with her. And also, i would like to say that she is the only person i have been with physically in my life.

 

I am really clueless as to how i could say this to her in a way which would make her understand and i am not even sure if i should say this to her.

I mean, I think time heals everything and that would happen only when both the persons leave their reservations aside and start enjoying sex with an open clear mind free of doubts and holding on to the past.

 

Do you think what is say i wrong? Women especially !!! Am I being superficial here?

CLC2008 Established Member

CLC2008

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I am sorry to say that all you're writing is just a bunch of words. Yeah they sound nice on paper, but, that does not change the most important thing here. You had online sexual relations via the BDSM website which seems to be sexually gratifying for you on some level that is not present with your girlfriend. And, that is cheating.

 

Like others have said, the best thing you could do for your girlfriend, is letting her go.

MichelleZB Established Member

MichelleZB

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I second this, except the breakup part. I feel people think of 'breaking up' as a bandaid to fix everything... having trouble with any part of your life? Break up, so you can figure out what to do. Well, I honestly think some things can be fixed while still being with your partner, by working on it TOGETHER. And sex is best worked on together, really.

 

Like this poster, I suggest you go read up on BDSM (not from the porn sites, from the educational ones), and gradually explore your interest in it through that manner instead of cybersex. I honestly think the problem is as simple as you repressing your sexual tendencies because you have been indoctrinated into thinking of them as 'wrong'.

 

You are correct; it's possible I was too hasty in advising a break up. I agree that this sort of thing can be worked on together.

 

I must say that I feared for the girlfriend's emotional health, and that the OP's confusion about sex was causing him to treat her very badly. It was for her sake that I advised he distance himself from her while he work things out.

MichelleZB Established Member

MichelleZB

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See, what i try to say is everyone loves their girlfriend and most men might even be deeply passionate about their partners.

 

And doesn't she deserve that kind of relationship too--a deeply passionate one?

 

As for pictures of celebrities, they are only pictures. They don't compete in any real way with a real woman in front of you, with her curves and her soft skin, how she smells, tastes, the little noises she makes.

 

If I asked my husband if he sexually desired me, and he answered, "I think so... I'm a little confused, but I guess I do. I must," I would be totally devastated!

 

You shouldn't have to make wordy excuses about how you "probably" like having sex with your girlfriend. That's pretty hurtful.

 

But it's also not fair to you. You deserve, my friend, to have a girl who'll dress up in a vinyl miniskirt, tell you that you've been naughty, and order you to get on the bed and not move while she tortures you with a feather. Or... whatever it is you want. There's nothing wrong with your desires, and it doesn't have to be "just a fantasy". Mild kink is very achievable in any relationship.

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CLC2008

 

I appreciate your honesty and i am not trying to justify my actions. What i do like to say is, online or real what i did was a terrible mistake. Nothing changes it. But in retrospect what i believed was, as long as i keep it online, it would not hurt anyone because i considered it just the same as watching porn. I mean even in married relationships, men often might hang out in a strip club with their buddies to cool off a little. This couldnt be termed cheating.

 

What i failed to realize was, in a relationship when the man tries to have a little fun by watching porn or chatting online a little or going to a strip club, it would be fine provided the couple have a healthy sex life where their physical needs gets satisfied. That is not the case with us because we have a troubled sex life and i never should have done those things. Might i say, that i should have abstained from even watching porn. Only that would have been fair on my part.

 

Moreover, the first time i was caught chatting i should taken it as a wake up call and stopped it which i didnt and quite frankly i feel like killing myself for the pain that i brought upon myself for a thing i thought would be as trivial as watching porn.

 

MichelleZB

 

Your posts really help me to understand how a woman would feel exactly because most of the time men fail to pick up signals of things going wrong with their women. I was no different. She is the best girlfriend, my best friend and more and i cleary blew it all. I say this again. My mild BDSM exploration was just a fantasy and thats all it is. I do not wish to be incorporate the scene in my real life nor do i go crazy about not having the kink factor in my life. I brought it up in the post the first time because, i knew What i really want in my life is normal sex with the person i love and that to happen without any notions about me.

 

No matter how hard she tries i don think that she would be to have a normal sex life with me. The wounds that i created would go off that easy and by the time they do go off it will be too late.

 

Quite frankly Michelle, i have never been more miserable in my life before. I want this girl so much and i want this life so much and i want to have in my life forever. I do feel unsecure but this time i feel it beyond doubt. The thought of losing her makes feel suicidal.

 

I triggered a time bomb and i am afraid the explosion could be too much for me to handle.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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My girlfriend is deeply hurt when she found out that i was having online chat, not because she feels jealous or anything but even i know that my actions have been unfair. I would be a fool not to believe that she has already taken the decision to set the balance right.

 

Though it may sound creepy i find it a little jealous when even her own mother at time unknowingly talks as if she loves her daughter more.. i desperately believe that her love belongs only to me and the even the thought of having to see her with another man sends a chill down my spine. After all that she has been going through i know the right thing for me to do would be step aside and still show my love for her if she decides to start something with another man.

 

But the thought of it scares me so much. The bitter feeling that everything that everything about my life as i know it is about to change is hard to digest. I still shed a tear when i think about all the good times we have had and the cute ways which she used to mock me. She is the perfect mate for my soul and i f***ing blew it like a b*****rd.

 

I have decided to abstain myself from porn or online chatting and i have been doing it for almost a week now. Its not gonna right the wrongs, its not gonna change anything, its not gonna mean anything to her because seriously she cares about me no more but I am going to do it. I shud say that inspite of all the pain i am going through emotionally i do feel better physically ever since i laid off porn.

 

To me online sex chatting has not only been a behaviour but also compulsive like drinking or doing drugs. I tried to overcome it in my teens and i couldnt and when i left home i stayed off it for almost 3 years out of necessity. This year i slowly sank into it again and before i know it it has started to sink my relationship as well. I mean literally, porn used to trap my mentally and it even affected me a lot of late because i decided to start working out to get into better shape.

 

"I give this advice to all the men who might read this. Porn, online chatting etc is only good as long as it stays a hobby and a retreat. Once it gets the best of you, its already too late and it would destroy your relationship, and everything else that matters to you in life. When you are in a relationship try to get pleasure out of your better half and not from porn. You will not only shatter the relationship but damage the other persons heart for ever just like I did. No matter how much love yo have for the other person all that would go down the drain in a jiffy"

 

Writing here sure helps vent my feelings and i am also deciding to help the other people in this forum in any way i could (considering the emotional state i am in chances look lean)

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retro Member

retro

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I have always been insecure and with every small fight that we had in our relationship i used to think it would get over. So i really cant tell what exactly she has in her mind now. One day she says she cant even imagine letting me go and the next day she says she finally has the courage to break up and end things. She feels that if i really love her i shud let her go so that she could live a happy and healthy life (i also feel the same)

 

She has made it clear that she has given up on all attempts to fix our sex and romantic life and she clearly isnt ready to trust me anymore. In her eyes, i would always desire sex just for her sake. If only she trusts me, things would be wonderful but i highly doubt its ever gonna happen as its apparent that to her even the idea of romance and sex with me is nothing but disgusting.

 

I seriously cant let her go as i dont have the courage to do it because these 4 years have meant so much to me. She wouldnt even go out with me on weekends like how she used to. Everything about my life and relationship is changing. I hate the changes and i hate coming our the comfort that our relationship provided. And i cant even open my pain to her because all my rants just irritates her. I think that she has lost the love for me.

 

I ask the female members who may read this. When you love someone with all you got, when you share so many good memories with each other, When you learn a great deal about the other person, When you dream for all those years that you want to live, grow old and die with the other person how is it possible to decide to end it all in a day and just move on. Will all that time become unreal suddenly? I couldnt even think from that angle, even my last resort will not be to break up wit the person i love.

 

I know very well that she still knows that i love her more than i love my life and no matter with whom she ends up with, he would never love her the same way that i do. So, is it time for us to move on like she wants????

 

I get suicidal thoughts when i imagine the emptiness that may result after our breakup but i was never that type and also i know how precious life is but I am confused. I work as a software programmer and the account for which i am working is planning to expand to a different part of my country. Should i go for it and relocate so that i cud stay away from her air forever. It would also make things easy for her. I never really thought about it but i am beginning to consider it because its the only way i cud make things easy for her. Should i just out of her eyes and life??? Will that enable her to move on easily in her life?

 

She is the only one i have in my life and i seriously dont know what to decide at this point. I have lost all hope to fix this relationship. Its a two person effort and she is fed up about trying for sure. Please advice :-(

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