I need some validation. Given the circumstances, could I have done this differently?

[durkadurka]

Hey guys,

 

I know, I've posted too many threads but I promise this is the last one.

 

I'm not going to waste my time re-hashing the relationship, because I think both she and I have admitted we were equally responsible for our relationship going to hell in a hand basket.

 

To make a long story short, my relationship ended because we each needed to to different things. We desperately wanted to have the other as a part of our plans, but neither of us was really able to make a move and we became stuck in the mud together. Ultimately, we became codependent and it made us miserable. My ex moved home to be with her financially ailing family to try and dig them out of a hole. I also want to state for the record, that a week before we broke up she still said she wanted to marry me.

 

I do not for one moment believe that breaking things off was a bad idea. Our relationship slowly and surely became unhealthy.

 

My ex is currently involved in a very unpredictable and risky business proposition, she has been working on it for nearly 4 months. It still remains to be seen if it will work out for her or not. In the interim, she's been sleeping on her parent's couch in their house which is about to fall down, or house sitting for friends.

 

I need some help analyzing her actions and my decisions! Were my decisions and moves reasonable?

 

In June, we broke up, and this is everything that has happened since then.

 

Realizing that the pressure was off, I finally kind of blossomed into the nice care free loving person I used to be when we first started dating. I lavished her with everything I could possibly give her. Including a surprise going away party with all of her friends, employers, and my family. I also gave her a fantastic photo album from the beginning to the end of our relationship.

 

From there I went about slowly trying to pull myself back together from a very heart wrenching stressful relationship. The relationship was so stressful on me that I started developing some physiological reactions such as excessive sweating, sleeping issues and a complete loss of appetite. I also gained a TON of weight (when we first started dating I was 170 pounds, and while dating her I ballooned to nearly 210). I am now back down to a healthy 180, and I'm back to having a ton of muscle.

 

Every day she called me for support, crying about her family, how much pressure was on her, the fact she had to sleep on a couch, and the fact her family's house was falling down, or that she was running out of money. I fielded these phone calls happily, after all she and I still cared a great deal about each other, it was this ****ty situation with her family that put a wedge between us.

 

I kind of backed into my 'man cave' and tried to be a rock for her.

 

Our chats were great, sometimes we'd talk for an hour, she even said she still wanted to marry me and that she missed me a lot. Even sent me gifts, including a custom t-shirt which was an inside joke on a phrase we used with each other. She was also texting me how horny she was. Great, right? She also was facebook messaging my little brother telling him how much she wanted to travel with him. She also sent me a text one night saying her friends tried to set her up on a date but she's just not interested.

Here were my feelings at this point:

 

After some thought, I did realize that I loved this girl, but that with the situations for each of us being what they were, that I needed to wait and see how things unfolded before I tried to make any commitment towards getting back together.

 

I wasn't prepared to get into a situation where I give up my job (which I was under contract for until the end of August 2010, so technically I couldn't leave), leave my friends, family, and life for a tumultuous situation down there.

 

Also, there was the logistical problem of her being in another country. I couldn't move down there without getting married to her, or applying to go to school down there, at significant expense.

 

Given how I wasn't sure if this business thing was going to happen, in which case she was going to move to Europe or South America, I couldn't gamble getting committed to school down there until she knew what was happening.

 

If the situation went to hell in a hand basket both of us would be unemployed, in debt, and in a world of hurt.

 

The Visit:

 

 

Now this is where things get interesting. In the middle of July she called me to come down and visit her. To her surprise, I bought a plane ticket. She didn't expect that I would come through. She was really really excited to have me down.

 

I didn't really go down there with any expectations, the underlying circumstances that affected our relationship were still there. Her future was less than certain, I was still under contract at my job.

 

It was an intriguing dynamic, we slept in the same bed, we kissed, cuddled and snuggled with each other. Did things that we hadn't done in months when we were together. We went out for dinner, went to a play, went out for drinks, 6 flags, shopping, went to a baseball game.. long story short we indulged.

 

I even tried to repair my relationship with her family, by taking them out for dinner, and playing in the pool with her little sister despite the fact that I had no bathing suit (I went in wearing my expensive pair of shorts).

 

It all came naturally, it had been the happiest I'd been in a while.

 

But this is where things become harder to explain:

 

There were some problems. There was an elephant in the room regarding our relationship status. However, I had a really hard time trying to figure out if I should bring it up.

 

All signs pointed to no.

 

 

1. She was very quick to point out that I should have no expectations.
   
2. She was not very approachable physically, she would always wait for me to make the move. Being that I didn't want to make things awkward, I often didn't make the move because 'we weren't together'.
   
3. When we were sleeping together, she made it very clear that when we had sex, that I shouldn't get emotionally attached.
   
4. The sex was not good, she wasn't super into it. Given that things like sex don't 'magically get better', I took that as a sign.
   
5. She never brought our relationship situation up.
   
6. Her friend sent her a text saying 'I had a nightmare last night, I was pregnant and you were married to Ryan' to which she responded 'Ew on both counts'
   
7. She didn't open the door to an offer of resuming our relationship, or moving down with her.
   

On the flip side she was saying how happy she was to not be dating anyone, and that she wanted me to help her find a new apartment!

 

Being as it may, I saw some signs that it would just make things awkward, I wasn't about to bring up a subject that she didn't seem to want to talk about. I didn't want to ruin the good time we were having. I felt that my actions spoke more than any words I could possibly say.

 

One night, when we were at a rooftop bar, she brought up that I was hard to talk to because I wasn't saying much.

 

To which I responded 'I don't have a lot to say. I care about you, I want to be with you, but the underlying circumstances and the uncertainty in our relationship is still there. I want to be a person that I can be proud of, that you can be proud of. I want to be that person that had that swagger, that guy that was the most awesome person in the room. Until I am that person, I don't know what to say. I don't want to go through what we went through last time and hurt both of us. If we do it again, I want to be a man that you can be proud of. Right now we each have our own problems to deal with. '

 

I more or less told her that until some things had been resolved, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about the situation. I didn't want to get stuck in a scenario where we repeat our ****ty situation all over again.

 

She arguably pulled me in for the most passionate kiss we had in months. Soon thereafter, we went home and fooled around.

 

On my last day there, we went to 6 flags and she got sick. I took her home, took care of her, tucked her into bed. Wrote a 3 page note about how much I cared about her, that I wanted the best for her, and that I loved her a lot, and just how amazing of a person I think she is.

 

The next day she took me to the airport, on the verge of tears she gave me a kiss, and watch me as I barely held my composure getting through security.

Trip Postmortem:

 

From here things started to get worse. When I got back she said that she was really sad that I left, and that she really wished I had stayed longer. But on the home front things quickly shifted from bad to worse.

 

This business proposition finally started to take a real nose dive, she had to tell her dad he was probably going to be unemployed. From here, she started going into protection mode.

 

I got a phone call crying saying that she needed me to sell all of the stuff she left behind because they will need the money. I offered to sell if and I let her know that if there was anything that she needed, I would be there.

 

But things gradually deteriorated. A week later (August 10th), she stopped calling almost completely. An opportunity came up to possibly save the business, she got super busy, she put her nose to the grind stone.

 

A week went by and she called to check up on me. Then I didn't hear from her for almost 2 weeks. At that point I became concerned, I send her a brief email, and after no response, I called her. It went to voice mail. A few days later I get a phone call.

 

She sounded weird, I asked her what's up. She starts dodging my questions. Eventually the truth comes out. She didn't know how to tell me, but she's casually seeing someone. The man is 12 years older than her, owns the swimming and tennis club that she goes to. I've found out some more about the guy from her younger brother, but suffice to say the place is a dump and the guy is ugly. He was foreclosed on last year.

 

Now this is where it hurts: She had the audacity to say that 'I didn't want to talk about it while I was visiting her' and that 'I had a chance'. Wow, way to rub salt in the wound. It takes two to tango, and I tried as hard as I could.

 

I'm not going to lie, I flinched and got pretty upset. But since then I have regained my composure. Aside from a brief email asking her what I should do with the stuff she left behind, I haven't really talked to her. She never returned my email by the way.

 

I haven't pulled any of the typical ex-boyfriend drama that she is used to.

 

Out of necessity, I started to move on with my life. I joined sports teams, I've lost 10 pounds, I'm back in school full time. I was happily progressing when...

 

She calls my grandmother to check up and see how she's doing.

 

2 weeks after that (Sept 15th) my ex calls me. I ignore the call. She leaves a 'cute' voice mail, that assumes a familiarity she's no longer entitled to.

 

2 days later, I get a text. Not going to return my call?

 

Nope. I respond a day later. I'm busy.

 

The next day, she calls again.

 

The contents of the conversation aren't important, except for the fact I left it all about me, how I was doing, how my family was etc. I also told her what she did last time really IRKED me and I was annoyed with her. She told me that the business thing was still a roller coaster, and that a friend of ours is flying into town, and that decision time is now. If she thinks the business thing is going to happen, she will get an apartment for October 1st. If it isn't, she's going to go to South America indefinitely with her friend.

 

In essence, that is exactly why I had a hard time committing to her. Despite the fact she wanted a commitment, it was hard to try and figure out what she had a commitment to. If she just could have made up her mind I would have done it with her.

 

 

 

Conclusion:

 

I feel like I've taken it on the chin, and I really feel like I really didn't stand up for myself. Right until the very end I gave it everything I could. I sit here now knowing that my best friend has pushed me aside. I just needed a clean slate to know that we were both stable.

 

I am almost certain that this guy she's seeing now is a relationship based out of need for stability and one of opportunity.

 

The question is: What do I say to her when she calls next? I really don't think that there is anything left to be said. The pleasantries aren't worth talking about. I think I need to stand up for myself. The question is, how?

 

I know that everyone will say, BREAK CONTACT! I already have. It's not me who's initiated any of it. But I really think I should lay it down on her. At least at that point I will have got everything off of my chest. Nothing grand or anything, just short and concise.

Edited September 25, 2010 by durkadurka

[Iconoclast]

She's a flake, has a needy family, and you're doing well. Probably felt good to tell the story. Now move on.

[Don Ho]

What do you say? How about "I'm done. I've had enough. Good luck. Take care". That's it. Right to the point. Like you said, what else is there to say?

 

Come on Bro she was using you for emotional support and put you on the back burner and she knew she had you. Move on. Oh, and this time find one within say a 40 mile radius of you.

[TearsofHope]

ughh.... talk about confusing. I hope I read everything and understood correctly but it definitely sounds like this girl is seeking out to you for some validation to make herself feel better. She is not even with you, with some other guy, yet is contacting you or getting in touch with grandma. I mean what is she doing? Is she confused? Either she wants you back or she needs to stop acting like she really gives a 100% damn about the relationship when apparently she doesn't. That is why she is not trying and you seem to not be sure of putting much effort either. I mean, I wouldn't blame you when all it takes it two partners to say "yes, lets try again". But all this figuring out and what not becomes to confusing. I hate WE have to go thru relationships like this. All complicated b/c of emotions, feelings, mind saying one thing and heart says something else. Ugh.

 

I would leave everything alone. Durka, I see you comment on people's stories with very good advice. I am pretty sure you can make a decision from here on out. Either you go get this woman or you move on for good. It looks like you both are holding onto something just for the sake of what? When that magical moment happens 2-3 weeks, months or years down the line when you decide to say "lets try again". I mean, what are you wacking your brains out for? Bless your heart! I can honestly understand how you feel.. but once it cross the "She/He is with someone else", then it's like what is there to do from that point?

 

Unless you are trying to win her back, she may not had emotionally "moved on", but clearly needs someone to validate her worth, so she gets with some older guy for what you said "stability and opportunity". I would just leave everything alone and let things die out, and maybe she will finally let things sink in and come back to you. Otherwise, I find it so complicated trying to figure things out the way you have. From commitment, sex, business relations, all of that just seems like a huge MAP, but we just need to start from one point and end at another. Either she wants you, you want her, and go from there, or just leave everything alone.

 

I hope I understood what you were saying.

[durkadurka]

ughh.... talk about confusing. I hope I read everything and understood correctly but it definitely sounds like this girl is seeking out to you for some validation to make herself feel better. She is not even with you, with some other guy, yet is contacting you or getting in touch with grandma. I mean what is she doing? Is she confused? Either she wants you back or she needs to stop acting like she really gives a 100% damn about the relationship when apparently she doesn't. That is why she is not trying and you seem to not be sure of putting much effort either. I mean, I wouldn't blame you when all it takes it two partners to say "yes, lets try again". But all this figuring out and what not becomes to confusing. I hate WE have to go thru relationships like this. All complicated b/c of emotions, feelings, mind saying one thing and heart says something else. Ugh.

 

I would leave everything alone. Durka, I see you comment on people's stories with very good advice. I am pretty sure you can make a decision from here on out. Either you go get this woman or you move on for good. It looks like you both are holding onto something just for the sake of what? When that magical moment happens 2-3 weeks, months or years down the line when you decide to say "lets try again". I mean, what are you wacking your brains out for? Bless your heart! I can honestly understand how you feel.. but once it cross the "She/He is with someone else", then it's like what is there to do from that point?

 

Unless you are trying to win her back, she may not had emotionally "moved on", but clearly needs someone to validate her worth, so she gets with some older guy for what you said "stability and opportunity". I would just leave everything alone and let things die out, and maybe she will finally let things sink in and come back to you. Otherwise, I find it so complicated trying to figure things out the way you have. From commitment, sex, business relations, all of that just seems like a huge MAP, but we just need to start from one point and end at another. Either she wants you, you want her, and go from there, or just leave everything alone.

 

I hope I understood what you were saying.

 

Hello there, here's my responses to some of what you were saying.

 

1) Yes I came to that conclusion a while ago.

 

2) No she does not put the effort in, but on a superficial level she asks all the right questions. How are you doing, how`s the family etc etc. she even told my grandma that she wanted to visit when she came into town.

 

3) Bingo, you`re right, it only takes two partners. Hence why I didn`t talk to her about it. Every time there was an opportunity to bring it up she gave me a reason not to. This is the same girl that was ecstatic about having me come down. The same girl that while I was down there said she wanted to go on a trip with me.

 

4) I really do want her. I just wasn`t able to make the gamble. If this thing goes sideways with her, one of us needed to have a stable job. She, however, is a chronic risk taker. We always balanced each other off that way. If she had even given me a HINT, I would have said, let`s work this out.

 

I just really feel that if I said `let us try it again`now, when she`s casually seeing someone and is on a high note, there`s nothing to be gained. THIS IS THE SAME GIRL THAT SAID SHE WAS HAPPY NOT SEEING ANYONE.

 

This is the same person, who before I left, told me she cared about me a lot and was passionate with me. But always stopped short.

 

Maybe she was just worried about what might happen if we started to see each other again. Maybe she was setting me up for failure so she could feel okay about herself.

 

5) Maybe she will figure that out maybe she won`t. I don`t know if she will come back though. She`s a very decisive person, who tends to not look back on things as mistakes, but as opportunities for a new beginning. Right now I suffer from the fact that she`s on a high, and I`m a bad memory somehow.

 

6) Map, whats that.

 

7) Yeah well she said she did when I was down there but all signs pointed to no as per the original post. The only thing she did that might have indicated that she wanted me was.... the invitation and when I left when she called and said she wished I had stayed longer.

Edited September 25, 2010 by durkadurka

[isitreal]

It sounds like she makes propositions to you about getting back together when it seems to be an inopportune time. She's addicted to the chase, but can't stomach the relationship. It sounds like she likes you, but just not enough...I don't think this is the one for you.

 

I'm still waiting for a girl who gives as good as she wants/gets, with minimal games...I swear they're out there, I've just never met one.

[durkadurka]

It sounds like she makes propositions to you about getting back together when it seems to be an inopportune time. She's addicted to the chase, but can't stomach the relationship. It sounds like she likes you, but just not enough...I don't think this is the one for you.

 

I'm still waiting for a girl who gives as good as she wants/gets, with minimal games...I swear they're out there, I've just never met one.

 

I would agree with that to the extent that me making a long shot commitment to her when she doesn't know what she is doing is a foolish move. If she can't see why I wouldn't do it, then she is silly. I made as much of a commitment as one could possibly make. I made a commitment to bettering myself, so that when she was open to it, we could date again. I really wanted to be that swanky couple with her but it takes 2 to tango and she wasn't giving my any signs.

 

I don't know if she's addicted to the chase though.

 

I think that she's doing this because she's a person that doesn't like to burn her bridges behind her, and is someone who likes to keep her options open to her. The problem of course being that when she made the decision to not talk to me about our relationship, then blamed me for it, then started dating someone else after I supported her through all the muck she's gone through, it has a habit of pushing people away.

 

The thing is, I don't know how serious this thing is with this guy, but it told me that she's pushed me out of a revered position in her life to relative obscurity. That's a lot to take considering a month and a half ago she was telling me how hard it was that she couldn't see her best friend all the time. Her best friend being me.

Edited September 26, 2010 by durkadurka