Nkognito Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I will start off with letting you know I am in pain. As with most of these posts here, I have recently been let go by someone whom I cherished... My background, I am a 33 year old IT technician. I ended my 12 year marriage in March of 2009 because it was not working out with me. The marriage became watered down due to the fact that I took the place of her father when she chose not to move out. Shortly after in September my ex-wife came around and we had our "fling" time for a few weeks. One week after we had sex, I sent her a text to find out what she was doing and she said she could not come over unless it was to be friends because she started seeing someone. I was upset and hurt by this greatly. Over the course of time I had to cope with her sleeping with another man. When I thought we were starting to work on something. I had no contact with her and started to focus on me. I have been fine since then. I ended up sleeping with some old friends as "rebounds" until I came upon the girl you're going to be reading about below. To the reason for this post... I met a girl (Keri) who took the wind out of me. It all started with my apartment pool. You see I live in a big community that is much like a college. I was there with my friend Gavin throwing the football and drinking. I was just enjoying life. This was in March and she was there with a friend. Both were tipsy and had no problems watching me throw the ball. A few times it got close to them, I apologized and this sparked up conversation. We got to talking and it turns out she just turned 40, she is a public defender (lawyer). I thought she was pretty, she had a great body, nice voice and beautiful smile. As we talked we found a common ground with country music and decided it would be nice to go out dancing sometime. She had a conference to go to in Boston but she wanted to do it when she got back. We exchanged numbers and they left. I sent text to her, just minimal conversation and some flirting but on the day in question when we were going to out, she was too hung over and her friend was at the rodeo. I was arranging to do a double date with my friend Tony. After that, we just stopped talking. I started hanging out with my wingman Tony getting $1 beers at applebees and then heading to the country bar. In time she was out of sight, out of mind. I had met some new friends and seen a few girls. The first girl was McKenzie, she was a friend of a friend and not someone I should have slept with but at the time, it seemed like nothing else to do. We were drinking and just sitting around Tony's apartment. Her friend passed out in Tony's bed... After that I left the next morning, I let her know that we should not have gone that far because it ruins our friendship but I am at fault as well. In time Tony and I went to Sherlocks for drinks and he came upon this girl who seemed very interested in him. In fact so interested that he helped himself to second base in the parking lot... It turns out she is recently divorced and has a kid. As I took Tony home they were texting each other and she did not want to come off as a one night stand. But Tony found her on Facebook and added her. One day, I noticed that she has a mutual friend...my girl! I posted on my girls wall that I noticed she is friends with this girl but I did not hear back. I left it alone and remained friends with my girl on facebook. The next girl was Amanda who I met at a party that Tony invited me to. She was originally being looked at by Tony but for some reason they took it upon themselves to come over and tell me she thinks im hot... We went outside and sat down, I had been drinking so I kissed her. Well Tony was coming and she backed off. Long story short Tony found out about it, got upset but then we settled it. I added her on facebook and we talked. We met one night to go dancing and it was a good night, she looked great but that is how it ended. We then met at a bar that sat between us. During the time we talked and had this attraction going on. We decided to get frisky in the parking lot, then she wanted to go all the way but we needed someone to park. We chose a spot by a fence and went at it. In time she became tired and sat next to me. I look over just in time to see a white car pull in. It was a COP! I instantly start pulling up my pants all the while thinking "holy ****, holy ****, holy ****, i'm getting busted for sex, this is neato"! In the end nothing happened, we were both dressed and the cop let us go but he knew what was going on. About a month after I go to the pool. I notice this girl and 3 very older guys. It was the friend of the lawyer girl I met a while back. She did not say anything to me and I didnt say anything to her. They left and that was that. June 19, 2010 I am at the pool this time by myself, I was waiting for Gavin to come. I noticed a couple of girls at the pool but thought nothing of it. When Gavin comes I hear my name "hey justin". I look over and noticed who it was and like clockwork we went back to talking. All four of us got a long greatly and the next day the lawyer and I were back to texting... June 22, 2010 She texts me wanting to come and hang out. I was broke and trying to figure out what to do with what little money I had. I had a few bottles of dessert wine and I figured we would chill at the pool. She came by with another bottle of wine and we talked. I found out she has been through two divorces and several other relationship. But then I kissed her, and soon after I kissed her several times. We went back to my apartment and got hot and heavy. She asked me if I was sure and if I didnt want to wait till Friday because we were going out but I was okay with it. Let me tell you, the love we made was amazing. When she left I felt refreshed and the next few days we started talking. Friday comes around and we decided on country dancing. We head to my hometown and it at applebees. She is holding my hand now which was interesting. Tony comes over and we all decided to go out. Tony played hit or miss at the bar and he was 0 for 0. We dropped him of and she was calling my "babe, sweetheart" and Tony caught on to that, smirking and asking when the marriage was. We get to her place, I am introduced to her dogs and checking out her loft. The rest of the weekend was amazing and filled with lots of passion. During the week she would arrange to come stay at my place and leave in the morning. During the weekend it would go something like Friday, her place, Saturday mine, Sunday hers and Monday morning I was going to my place to change for work. It was great, I found this girl who I enjoy a lot. Then comes the cruise.... You see she recently turned 40 and two other of her friends did as well. So They all planned a cruise around the islands. I would be without her a week and it drove me crazy. In walks this pretty girl and just lights me up then she vanishes with no contact. She offered to upgrade her phone for international texting but I declined. We simply did not need it but man the true test came. The first days were the hardest then I was anticipating her call when she got to key west. I checked boats schedule and mapping. I changed my voicemail with a contingency message if I missed her call. Friday comes and she calls. I tell her to call my phone and listen to my voicemail. She plays it for her friends who I hear commenting on it. When she returns we are back on track with our passionate weekends and in between weekdays. Then one day at the pool she tells me something. She tells me so does cocaine, its a social thing but she wanted to come out and say it. I being blinded by all we have already had just acknowledged it. We never talked about it after and she never did it in front of me or asked me to do it. I am a very athletic guy which I assume is one of the reasons she liked me. As we progress, one sunny day at the pool, we are talking and both drunk. I tried to explain to her the emotions she draws from me because I like her so much. I had no idea why I did it but I wanted her to know before she came along I was with a 25 year old. She did not like this and we had our first dispute. It was not big but she was crushed by the age gap. We went back to her place and we slept, no sex. She told me it would take time to get past this. But the next morning we were having sex. After that things were good and rolling along. I decided with all the pool time we had that I would have a friend make her beer coolies of her college team. She was a football fan and loved sports. Well Thursday night she was telling me how she doesnt want to be the girlfriend who takes me away from my friends. I took the message and Friday decided to go with my friend Gavin and meet up with her later. I text her and she told me to go with him, she repeated it when I doubted. I went and it was a mistake because when I saw her she was upset. She thought we had plans and I reminded her of what she said but these plans were already set in stone. I showed her the pictures of the coolies and this saved me for the night. We talked and came to an understanding of the whole deal. She talked with her friend who said she does it all the time as well. After that we were back to being us. Having amazing sex and just enjoying each other. She wanted me to meet her mom, she confirmed this with me like it was ok. I was not aware that the meeting of the mom means something bigger than just that. We went, had a good time and that was that. Then her brother was flying into town. It as weeks after I met her mom and her mom was having minor surgery. I met her brother and then talked about having dinner at her grandparents. It went well, of course I am shy because I am worried about impression but it was fun. Her mom as she was leaving offered to make us dinner one night. This was the second time she made the offer. Over the course of the week and after the surgery something went terribly wrong. On Friday my lawyer girl was told that her mom was very ill. They ended up taking her to the hospital which canceled our weekend together but its not like it mattered, she needed to be there. I offered to go but she declined. We talked Friday night then Saturday morning I got a call. It was 9am and she called with tears in her voice to tell me they were taking her mom into emergency surgery. I bolted from my bed and instantly started to get ready to head to her to help her in any way but she declined. She told me that they think her small intestine might be dead and if so there is nothing they can do. I sat there throughout most of the day but I needed to get out, I simply could not sit around waiting on bad news. I sat there preparing what I was going to say to her her the worst happened. Her mom made it out ok but is was still a roller coaster of worry for her. The next few weeks were troubling but I could not see why she kept me from going. She would call me and she took a phone picture once when she was wearing my shirt and holding her dog. She had no problems accepting me in her life but during the week and a half she was off work, she was in a anxiety of misery. When she returned to work she was incredibly behind. She was taken away by co-workers who said she was too stressed and they gave her a bottle of xanax. When she got to my place she was so happy high it was pleasant. Even better was the surprise I got her which she adored. It was a tire cover that was stolen from her truck. I ordered another just being kind. As the week progressed she had a capital murder case appeal coming up. She was be coming more distant. I was not hearing from her as much and it was starting to make me worry. She once told me that when she thinks of sex she thinks of me. She also said she doesn't feel that she is on the same level as me emotionally. She said I deserve someone who treats me the same as I treat her. I told her that she is at a terminal point in her life with her mom, and work and making this decision is because I am extra stress. I told her I am fine with what we have. Two weeks ago Thursday she came over, she was exhausted but needless to say we watched some shows and then made love. She was not all there because she for some really weird reason though I faked my orgasm and made me promise I would never do that. Friday she was going to come by real quick before going to the hospital to see her mom. Her brother and her are incredibly close and he needed to leave to go back to work and take are of his newly pregnant wife. I did not hear from her last Monday although I did text her in the morning. I was talking to my sister and then she text me out of the blue. I text her back and she said she would call me. Tuesday came by and we talked in the morning but that was it. A storm was rolling in and I text her to let her know if she was out to be careful. She text me back to let me know she was having drinks and maybe dinner with the capital case attorneys and the expert witness. She called me later that night but I was almost asleep. We talked but it seemed odd because she was tired, I assumed she would be out late but she was not and she assured me it was a business meeting to discuss the case. I did no hear from her Wednesday or Thursday. I was at the movies watching Karate Kid when I decided to text her. She text me back saying she was at adoption training but "we do need to talk". I text her back letting her know what I am doing an I hope the talk is something we can work through. I heard nothing back. I got the following text: "Sorry my phone died & the I was wiped when I got home. We can't work through it Justin. You've done nothing wrong, you've done everything right. I just can't keep going down a road that's not leading anywhere for me. I'm sorry." Needless to say I was upset and the text got a little heated and she did not want to see me. She was going to arrange some way for us to exchange our things. I talked to so many friends about this but it did not ease the pain I felt. One friend of mine said to text her and set her straight so I did, I sent the following: "(lawyer girl), look I truly apologize for everything I said & how I acted on Friday. I have no excuse for that at all. I have developed very strong feelings for you & I am hurting. I truly hope your mom & you pull through this. Don't worry about the comforter, I will drop off your stuff at your place tomorrow when I get off, your don't need to answer the door I won't knock I will just leave it & text you when I left, you can just throw my stuff away. I realize I need to be more established so I am persuing those goals I put on hold. I want you to take it easy & if anything ever comes up give me a text, you know i'll be there." After that reply she was okay with seeing me to trade our stuff but she was not talking to me and I was miserable. So I figured I would make it easier and talk to a friends friend who worked at my work and I would give the stuff to him. But the retard texts her about it, then she texts me telling me she did not want to get anyone else involved. I apologize an my friends kept telling me to stop doing that But I told her I didnt want my stuff back. She text back asking why and I just never responded. I took it upon myself to just drop her stuff off at her door. This was easier on me because I was going to be hurt worse seeing her off then just leaving things as they were. I put her stuff in a box and wrote a note letting her know this is the best way to get her, her items and that I dont want my stuff back. I would keep hope in my heart for her and her mom and to keep my number, when she wants a friend to talk to, than call me sometime. I then sent her a text, "I put your stuff in a box at your door. You said what you wanted me to hear. This was is just better for me. Goodbye (Lawyer girl) She text me back about 45 minutes later "Take care of yourself." I have no contacted her since but I have been hurting. I dont know why either because I have to blame the cocaine habit. I dont know how bad it was and I dont need that drama. I dont think she will contact me ever again, but at one time she was a very sweet girl who talked to me about her wanting to adopt, she gave me a way out of the relationship if it spooked me. She talked about pregnancy but then later backed off because doctors said she has a 20% chance of having a stroke due to a prior medical condition. But think that was the fact that she would have to quit her drug habit. I think towards the end she was crashing. I have researched and researched on it and I think it was that but she also told me the following in a text "I'm sorry I sent you mixed signals, I honestly didn't mean too. I wanted to feel the same way you did Justin. You are a great guy, I was lucky you were so crazy about me but I'm not in love & I want to be." She went on and on about how I am such a great guy but for some reason she was not feeling love and she wants to. She said she would know by now about the relationship and if she was in it for the long haul but she did not feel it. I know those who read this will tell me to just move on and I am, slowly and surely but I loved this woman blindly or the idea of her and I am devastated by the outcome of this relationship. I know this is the best for me but I miss her, I know if she was around I would have more obstacles with her cocaine habit if there is one. I am not familiar with anyone who has been in this situation. I never knew a minimal cocaine user. I know her friends do it and the guy at my work, his partner deals it. She one told me she does not buy from them but she spends $250 on it from someone else. So when I looked that up, it is about 3.5 grams and she told me she is check to check paying her college loan and such. She also made it appear that she is hourly as well. Sure if I stayed this would be worse, but for June, July and August. I loved a woman again and it felt great. She just couldn't love me back. I hope this helps anyone who reads this and if you have any questions, ask away. Lately I have been pretty sad, been low on bank funds and just sitting at home is not helping. My friends have been distant except for the few long distant ones that have helped me along the way. I know it will get better but out of all the girls in my life, she was the one I contemplated kids with and that is a serious responsibility. But for the record she was single, divorced twice and had no kids. She probably had a lot of baggage but hell I went on a date with a stripper once who had more baggage than her....
Don Ho Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Why don't you condense your rambling down to 5-6 sentences so people will actually read it. And drop the double spacing.
Author Nkognito Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 (edited) I realize this is really long but this feels better for me to get it out there. Even if it's in front of complete strangers who share the same consequences. Would I take her back? Yea I would, because my feelings are strong and I think love is a drug strong enough to conquer a lot. I just wrote this because I have a hard time believing she didn't love me. I dont see by her actions and how she was that it just was not there. I guess in short for Don Ho..... I fell in love with a drug addict, and did not expect it to be this way. I was arrogant to know how it would end. Edited September 25, 2010 by Nkognito
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