Habitually Crappy Love Life...

[innocentwanderer]

First off, I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time to write extensive posts on your situations. It was motivation for me to join the site and get some of what I have been experiencing for the last 20 years of failed relationships off my chest. I appreciated everything I read and what you guys wrote. I personally don't expect anyone to care about my situation, but know that I empathized with you guys.

 

Where to start, well, I'm in my mid 30's and had my first serious boyfriend just before I turned 16. He was about 3 or 4 years older than I and we dated for about 2 or 3 years. Our relationship ended because he started dealing with his homosexual issues. I think the fact that we were close enough to discuss this with each other speaks volumes about the kind of caring relationship we had. We broke up, and I dated a couple of boys here and there until I met my X-husband.

 

This gentleman had quite a lot going for him. He had the potential to be a very successful person, and I saw a bright and happy future for us if we both worked hard. I was willing, he wasn't. The man was a raging alcoholic, the extent of which I hadn't realized before we married. He would forge my signature on my paychecks, cash them at the liquor store and buy booz. After his second attempt to use me as a punching bag, I took our infant son and fled. We had only been married a year.

 

The next man I dated for 5 years. I truly thought this had staying power. He was wonderful to my son and had asked me to marry him after we had been dating a couple of years. I was happy and I thought he was. I expected this gentle soul and I to be together in our old age. However, I returned from an overseas trip well into our 5th year, and he too admitted he was having issues with homosexuality. Having dealt with this before, I knew it was best to cut my losses and move on.

 

The next man I dated for 4 years. To this day, I don't know why we stayed together. I was in love alone and he essentially resented me. Although we are good friends now, I will never understand our relationship. I was so emotionally tortured by the 4th year, that I ended up cheating on him with another man. I fell madly in love with this new fellow, a deep love I had never experienced before. I had never felt so compatible with anyone and he seemed to care for me as much as I did him. I truly felt I had met my soul mate and knew that nothing could ever sever anything as rich and beautiful as we had. Six months into our love affair, he admitted to me that he was married, that his wife had found out about his whoring, and he had to cut me loose.

 

I have never been so devastated in all my life. It took me 2 years to even begin to feel normal again after it ended. I wanted nothing to do with anyone else and spent the first 6 months in bed, leaving only to earn my meager paycheck. After 3 years in recovery, I decided it might be best to get my feet wet in the dating scene. At this point, I was well into my 30s with most everyone around me settled into stable and rewarding relationhips. I didn't even know how to meet anyone, and wasn't sure what would happen if I did.

 

This year I have attempted to start 2 relationships, and both men ended up being disinterested within 2 weeks. The second man in particular I was very much into, and this rejection has brought up a lot of crushed feelings. I am at the age that I know what I want and won't settle for less than that. Due to this, I usually end up going out with someone once or twice myself and moving on. I'm seeing a pattern of either me liking them and it's not reciprocated, or they liking me and I don't feel they are right for me. Nothing is meshing and I can't make a match with anyone. I know this has more to do with the baggage each of us has collected over the years, rather than any faults on either side. What is left in the dating pool now are the battered and worn and we are having a hard time with each other.

 

Even after 5 years, I'm not used to being single. I enjoy a relationship. I enjoy taking care of someone and sharing my life. This has been a truly dismal time for me, with no end in site. At first I thought that all I could really handle was uncommitted dating, as I wasn't sure how much I could handle emotionally. After this second failed attempt at forming a bond with someone I was truly interested in, I realized that what I needed was not loose dating, but someone committed. Making myself vulnerble to someone who doesn't care isn't a good option, and I am so picky that this is leaving me open to heartbreak. I'm ready to offer myself up, I find someone who I feel is worthy, they reject it. It is a cycle I am not interested in.

 

Today I made the choice to give up on dating all-together. I'm no longer going to make the effort to seek someone out, and instead am going to continue the healing I began 5 years ago. I'm desperately sad, but the situation as it stands is doing nothing to improve my self-esteem and is actually making me think less of myself. Part of my healing process was working through my insecurities, and dating isn't helping.

 

At any rate, I appreciate those that have taken the time to read this, and hope that something in my dismal life has made you feel better about yours!

[jerbear]

I can only offer you hope and a chance.

 

I met my long term "friend" when she was in her mid-30's, we had fun and spent time together. As much as I hate to say this, I was the guy who knocked some sense into her and she married the guy after me. Sometimes it takes someone to change your world and way of thinking.

 

There is another world out there and plenty of people to meet.

[pureinheart]

First off, I would like to thank those of you who have taken the time to write extensive posts on your situations. It was motivation for me to join the site and get some of what I have been experiencing for the last 20 years of failed relationships off my chest. I appreciated everything I read and what you guys wrote. I personally don't expect anyone to care about my situation, but know that I empathized with you guys.

 

Where to start, well, I'm in my mid 30's and had my first serious boyfriend just before I turned 16. He was about 3 or 4 years older than I and we dated for about 2 or 3 years. Our relationship ended because he started dealing with his homosexual issues. I think the fact that we were close enough to discuss this with each other speaks volumes about the kind of caring relationship we had. We broke up, and I dated a couple of boys here and there until I met my X-husband.

 

This gentleman had quite a lot going for him. He had the potential to be a very successful person, and I saw a bright and happy future for us if we both worked hard. I was willing, he wasn't. The man was a raging alcoholic, the extent of which I hadn't realized before we married. He would forge my signature on my paychecks, cash them at the liquor store and buy booz. After his second attempt to use me as a punching bag, I took our infant son and fled. We had only been married a year.

 

The next man I dated for 5 years. I truly thought this had staying power. He was wonderful to my son and had asked me to marry him after we had been dating a couple of years. I was happy and I thought he was. I expected this gentle soul and I to be together in our old age. However, I returned from an overseas trip well into our 5th year, and he too admitted he was having issues with homosexuality. Having dealt with this before, I knew it was best to cut my losses and move on.

 

The next man I dated for 4 years. To this day, I don't know why we stayed together. I was in love alone and he essentially resented me. Although we are good friends now, I will never understand our relationship. I was so emotionally tortured by the 4th year, that I ended up cheating on him with another man. I fell madly in love with this new fellow, a deep love I had never experienced before. I had never felt so compatible with anyone and he seemed to care for me as much as I did him. I truly felt I had met my soul mate and knew that nothing could ever sever anything as rich and beautiful as we had. Six months into our love affair, he admitted to me that he was married, that his wife had found out about his whoring, and he had to cut me loose.

 

I have never been so devastated in all my life. It took me 2 years to even begin to feel normal again after it ended. I wanted nothing to do with anyone else and spent the first 6 months in bed, leaving only to earn my meager paycheck. After 3 years in recovery, I decided it might be best to get my feet wet in the dating scene. At this point, I was well into my 30s with most everyone around me settled into stable and rewarding relationhips. I didn't even know how to meet anyone, and wasn't sure what would happen if I did.

 

This year I have attempted to start 2 relationships, and both men ended up being disinterested within 2 weeks. The second man in particular I was very much into, and this rejection has brought up a lot of crushed feelings. I am at the age that I know what I want and won't settle for less than that. Due to this, I usually end up going out with someone once or twice myself and moving on. I'm seeing a pattern of either me liking them and it's not reciprocated, or they liking me and I don't feel they are right for me. Nothing is meshing and I can't make a match with anyone. I know this has more to do with the baggage each of us has collected over the years, rather than any faults on either side. What is left in the dating pool now are the battered and worn and we are having a hard time with each other.

 

Even after 5 years, I'm not used to being single. I enjoy a relationship. I enjoy taking care of someone and sharing my life. This has been a truly dismal time for me, with no end in site. At first I thought that all I could really handle was uncommitted dating, as I wasn't sure how much I could handle emotionally. After this second failed attempt at forming a bond with someone I was truly interested in, I realized that what I needed was not loose dating, but someone committed. Making myself vulnerble to someone who doesn't care isn't a good option, and I am so picky that this is leaving me open to heartbreak. I'm ready to offer myself up, I find someone who I feel is worthy, they reject it. It is a cycle I am not interested in.

 

Today I made the choice to give up on dating all-together. I'm no longer going to make the effort to seek someone out, and instead am going to continue the healing I began 5 years ago. I'm desperately sad, but the situation as it stands is doing nothing to improve my self-esteem and is actually making me think less of myself. Part of my healing process was working through my insecurities, and dating isn't helping.

 

At any rate, I appreciate those that have taken the time to read this, and hope that something in my dismal life has made you feel better about yours!

 

 

Hi IW,

 

Wow, can I identify...I too have had a series of failed relationships...some I walked away from and some walked away from me.

 

In bold, I too took a break for awhile to see "what's up". I think this is the best bet ...let them find you, they will. Really, it's too much work and guys like the "hunt" anyway:)

[David.]

Really, it's too much work and guys like the "hunt" anyway:)

 

Not quite... I'd just as soon not hunt if that's what it means.

 

IW, your story's well told, and I sympathise, but not to the extent that I'd say giving up is what you want to do. Rather, it just sounds like so much frustration and hurt. Or maybe I should say giving up dating is one thing, and maybe a smart move. But don't give up on the idea of a good relationship.

 

For my part, it seems that one is faced with accepting the hand on is dealt, and carrying on as best one can. Hang on in there with the friends you've made, for example. Rather than giving up, perhaps you could take it as the way things are for now, and try to keep a balanced outlook. People find love at all ages.

[worlybear]

Relax and just enjoy people's company primarily as friends- not just potential serious relationship material. You never know what might happen!

[Lovelybird]

If you have a crappy love life, that means you have a crappy view of yourself. Dating and love relationships come down how you perceive yourself.