13 years and still no ring!

[Chase 321]

My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship on and off for the last 13 years with a total of about 10 of those years actually together. We are really great together, but like every couple we’ve had our ups and downs throughout the years. When we first started dating, I was 19 and he was 26. Now, I’m 32 and he’s 39. Neither of us have ever been married or have any children. Did I mention he’s my best friend too? It’s been a long road and we’ve been through a lot together, but I’d have to say this go around has been the best by far. We’re finally on the same page! …Or so I thought.

 

Even from the beginning, I’ve always felt like he’s the one. He knows this. It’s mutual. So, there’s no question how we feel. The first term lasted a little over 6 years, we lived together for 4 and half of those. So, it’s not like we’re on and off for short periods or can’t live together. Now, we’re older. We each own our own homes/cars and have great careers. So, there’s no “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” issue here. My guy is an Aquarius. And trust me when I tell you that he lives up to every trait, good and bad, lol. The hard ones for me to deal with are he’s emotionally detached, non-committal and slightly self-centered. He’s fully aware of that too. He even went to counseling to work on his commitment issues, which is a huge step for a man to take in my opinion.

 

We’ve been back together for just short of a year and a half and it’s been really wonderful! We get along better, we talk about moving forward, it’s just better than ever before! When we first got back together, we talked about getting engaged pretty frequently. First he said it would be before September of last year, it didn’t happen. Then he said it would be before the end of 2009, well that never happened. Just before the end of the year, he took me ring shopping. That was a major step. We found the most perfect ring! He loved it, I loved it, but it was expensive and he said couldn’t afford it at the time. Please note: He has a classic car sitting in the driveway that’s worth a significant amount of money he’s been saying he’s going to sell from day one back together that hasn’t moved. So after that, he told me wait until he got his tax refund. Well, he ended up paying off the last of his 3 cars with that money instead. Now, its 6 months later and he’s still playing the finance card while I’m still staring at that car to be sold every time I pull in his driveway. The saddest part is it’s not about the ring to me! I’ve told him that several times in the last 6 months, but he tells me that the ring is important to him and won’t budge.

 

I’m just so ready to move forward! I feel like we’ve done all we can do as boyfriend and girlfriend and it’s time to start our new journey as husband and wife. I mean, let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger either, especially if we plan on having children, which we definitely do. All our family, friends and even people we just met cannot understand what the hold-up is. I now find myself making excuses for him to people when they ask why we’re not married. I sometimes wonder if I look like a duck to them. It’s borderline embarrassing. I feel like he holds all the cards and I can’t do anything to change it. It’s so frustrating! For about the last year around once a month or two I have a tearful breakdown to him about the issue. After every one, he proceeds to tell me it’s going to happen soon and that I shouldn’t doubt him. So, yet again, I put a smile on my face and go back to sitting on my hands. The excuses are getting really old. I love him dearly and the last thing I want to do is leave him, but just how much longer am I supposed to wait?

 

Help me out here, please.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I want to throw up..... Just dump the guy and get on with your life. Really it is pretty obvious with separate houses and great careers (so good that he has credit card debts, a mortgage and three cars), that he is in absolutely no rush.....

 

How much time are you actually together? How important is it to him to be with his buds? Are these buds all single too, or does he find new ones to hang out with when others get married and have families?

 

Just wait 'til he is alone and has nothing better to do and then he will finally pop the question.....

[Chase 321]

I want to throw up..... Just dump the guy and get on with your life. Really it is pretty obvious with separate houses and great careers (so good that he has credit card debts, a mortgage and three cars), that he is in absolutely no rush.....

 

How much time are you actually together? How important is it to him to be with his buds? Are these buds all single too, or does he find new ones to hang out with when others get married and have families?

 

Just wait 'til he is alone and has nothing better to do and then he will finally pop the question.....

 

We're together every day! We only live 5 minutes from eachother. He very rarely spends alone time with his buds, I'm always invited. He's not that guy. Most of our friends are married with families.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

but he is kind of a jerk in my eyes.... You'd have plenty of money for a ring if living under one roof.

 

Sounds like he needs to grow up......

[stillafool]

Well the good thing is tax season is just around the corner. Maybe he can use this year's tax return to get you a ring. Maybe he should propose at Christmas.

 

I hope it works out for you but it seems since all his friends are married and you two have been together forever; he would have already proposed marriage if he really wanted to marry.

[whichwayisup]

We're together every day! We only live 5 minutes from eachother. He very rarely spends alone time with his buds, I'm always invited. He's not that guy. Most of our friends are married with families.

 

Uhmm, why aren't you two living together? At your ages now, you two SHOULD be atleast living together as a common-law couple.

 

Time for him to crap or get off the pot.

 

The thing is, are you ready to move on without him if he says he doesn't want to get married? Or, will you be Ok with how things are now?

[that girl]

It sounds like he is never going to marry you.

 

He keeps telling you that shouldn't doubt him, but his actions say it is never going to happen. And meanwhile it sounds like you relationship is taking a hit from all this waiting.

 

I think you can try one more talk, but I wouldn't wait 6 more months because odds are in 6 months you'll still be waiting.

[aerogurl87]

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but he's not gonna marry you methinks. 1) You said he has commitment issues and someone with commitment issues would definitely not be in a hurry to get married. 2) He keeps coming up with excuse after excuse not to marry you. I mean if he can afford 3 freaking cars he can buy a ring. If you really want marriage then you need to cut this guy loose. But if you're fine with just having him without being his wife forever, then just stick around. But I don't see you getting married to this guy anytime soon, if ever.

[LittleTiger]

I'm really sorry Chase, I don't like having to be brutal but he isn't going to marry you - not now and not ever!

 

Deep down, I think you already know that.

 

If you moved in together and sold one of the houses, even without him having to sell his precious cars (!!!), you could afford an engagement ring AND a wedding. There's nothing stopping you guys from getting married - nothing except him.

 

If getting married is important to you, find someone else.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

not now but at the start 26 vs. 19.... Not huge, but you didn't have much of a past and he probably did....

 

He likes everything, but I bet he is always looking just in case there is something better.... How many nights do you sleep over? How often do you go out? Is he out with others? Nowadays frankly all you need is a computer....

 

Heck the all important question...... Do you have a key to HIS House? You also commented earlier that you are 5 minutes apart and there, as opposed to him at yours....

 

All telling clues....

[camel's toe]

Hi

 

What kind of man is this? You have been in tears, more than once, telling him what you want. Telling him what you need from him. And he isn't delivering. If a guy said to me that he had commitment issues, my thinking is "no guy who wants to show you how into you he is would show you such a red flag" He needs to man up.

 

It is hard when you've been with someone that long. I would suggest saying to him "I want to get married and if you don't want to marry me, if you don't set a date by (a certain time), I am leaving." And do it. Leave him because life is too short to hang around on someone else's account.

[GooseChaser]

13 years of waiting is ridiculous if you want to get married. Let him know you won't wait forever.

[Stung]

I'm really sorry Chase, I don't like having to be brutal but he isn't going to marry you - not now and not ever!

 

Deep down, I think you already know that.

 

If you moved in together and sold one of the houses, even without him having to sell his precious cars (!!!), you could afford an engagement ring AND a wedding. There's nothing stopping you guys from getting married - nothing except him.

 

If getting married is important to you, find someone else.

 

Co-signed. Sorry, Chase. I know you have a lot of time and feeling invested in this man and this relationship, but it sounds like it's turning into something painful and destructive for you, and unhealthy in general with all the miscommunication and avoidance. I hope you take some time to really evaluate what you want in your future and how best to get there; if you stay with this man, I don't think marriage is ever going to happen. Can you reconcile to that?

[Universe]

I mean, let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger either, especially if we plan on having children, which we definitely do.

Are you sure? He definitely wants kids? The marriage and engagement are important. But having kids is what really has a time limit.

 

You haven't mentioned why you both still live in separate houses. Even if you're not ready to sell, why doesn't one of you move in with the other? I can see not selling the house or the cars when the market is the way it is. But there's no telling when the market is going to bounce back (and anyone who knows anything about economics knows that it aint bouncing back any time soon). It could be 5 or 10 years (or never) before the market comes back. So it's probably time to bite the bullet and take the loss on the house, take the loss on the car(s) and start this family. If you both aren't willing to do that, then there isn't much of a point. He definitely wants kids, but not if he has to sell his 3rd car (I'm just assuming at a loss - otherwise there's really no excuse). Where are his priorities?

 

Now - as a male in a 11 year relationship who still has not bought the ring, I can relate to your man's situation a little. But I'm 31 and were it not for my recent drama, I would have officially asked her and bought a ring and everything by now. But it's easy to neglect the importance of the ring when you're a man in a happy relationship. When everything is going well it just doesn't occur to you to make a change. Though in my case, she never pressured me about it. If she had had "tearful breakdown" about it every month or so, you'd better bet that ring would have been on her finger a long time ago. Your man is definitely resisting. It may be procrastination or reluctance to sell the house/car. But if you've been pressuring him, then it's not like it's not on his mind. He knows it's an issue for you and he's still balking.

 

He admitted to having commitment issues. Has he ever cheated on you? Are you afraid that he will? Sounds like he needs to get back into therapy about those commitment issues because they definitely seem to still be a problem.

 

I think the next time you talk to him about it you need to do so calmly and rationally. No tears if you can help it. Don't be desperate. Just tell him plainly and clearly what you want and what you need. And if he can't show through actions, not words, that he's on board with that, then it's probably time to move on.

[SecretSquirrel]

You waited about 10 years too long. If it hasn't happened yet, it's not going to.

 

I'm thinking about leaving my bf for a somewhat similar reason, and we've been dating less than 3 years. Actions have to match words. It's tough though.

[MichelleZB]

Ask him to marry you this evening, and insist on an answer.

 

When he objects and says that a ring/proposal are important to him, agree that you'll be very happy to hear his proposal and receive a ring whenever he chooses to give one to you. But that you want an answer to your proposal now.

 

When he says that bull**** line about how he will get to asking you and that you shouldn't "doubt" him, tell him very clearly that he has already given you ample reason to doubt him, since he has delayed asking you for so long already.

 

Then make it very clear that you children and that he is not being at all fair to you. He has a longer window of fertility than you do, and he is very cruelly exploiting it. He may have years to decide; you do not. He knows this, and yet he persists in delaying his decision.

 

I don't understand why you would want to stay with a man so inconsiderate, but I suppose there's no accounting for taste.

[Tiberius]

My boyfriend and I have been in a serious relationship on and off for the last 13 years with a total of about 10 of those years actually together. We are really great together, but like every couple we’ve had our ups and downs throughout the years. When we first started dating, I was 19 and he was 26. Now, I’m 32 and he’s 39. Neither of us have ever been married or have any children. Did I mention he’s my best friend too? It’s been a long road and we’ve been through a lot together, but I’d have to say this go around has been the best by far. We’re finally on the same page! …Or so I thought.

 

Even from the beginning, I’ve always felt like he’s the one. He knows this. It’s mutual. So, there’s no question how we feel. The first term lasted a little over 6 years, we lived together for 4 and half of those. So, it’s not like we’re on and off for short periods or can’t live together. Now, we’re older. We each own our own homes/cars and have great careers. So, there’s no “why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free” issue here. My guy is an Aquarius. And trust me when I tell you that he lives up to every trait, good and bad, lol. The hard ones for me to deal with are he’s emotionally detached, non-committal and slightly self-centered. He’s fully aware of that too. He even went to counseling to work on his commitment issues, which is a huge step for a man to take in my opinion.

 

We’ve been back together for just short of a year and a half and it’s been really wonderful! We get along better, we talk about moving forward, it’s just better than ever before! When we first got back together, we talked about getting engaged pretty frequently. First he said it would be before September of last year, it didn’t happen. Then he said it would be before the end of 2009, well that never happened. Just before the end of the year, he took me ring shopping. That was a major step. We found the most perfect ring! He loved it, I loved it, but it was expensive and he said couldn’t afford it at the time. Please note: He has a classic car sitting in the driveway that’s worth a significant amount of money he’s been saying he’s going to sell from day one back together that hasn’t moved. So after that, he told me wait until he got his tax refund. Well, he ended up paying off the last of his 3 cars with that money instead. Now, its 6 months later and he’s still playing the finance card while I’m still staring at that car to be sold every time I pull in his driveway. The saddest part is it’s not about the ring to me! I’ve told him that several times in the last 6 months, but he tells me that the ring is important to him and won’t budge.

 

I’m just so ready to move forward! I feel like we’ve done all we can do as boyfriend and girlfriend and it’s time to start our new journey as husband and wife. I mean, let’s face it, we’re not getting any younger either, especially if we plan on having children, which we definitely do. All our family, friends and even people we just met cannot understand what the hold-up is. I now find myself making excuses for him to people when they ask why we’re not married. I sometimes wonder if I look like a duck to them. It’s borderline embarrassing. I feel like he holds all the cards and I can’t do anything to change it. It’s so frustrating! For about the last year around once a month or two I have a tearful breakdown to him about the issue. After every one, he proceeds to tell me it’s going to happen soon and that I shouldn’t doubt him. So, yet again, I put a smile on my face and go back to sitting on my hands. The excuses are getting really old. I love him dearly and the last thing I want to do is leave him, but just how much longer am I supposed to wait?

 

Help me out here, please.

 

Many guys grow up with divorced parents. Eventually they meet a girlfriend who has divorced parents herself. Then they see what the lifes of his and her dad is like and begin to question marriage.

[TheLoveAdvisor]

Why would he want to get married for?? He has everything he wants... Loyal Girl, cars, home, job! Life cant get any better! I was the man just like this guy 18 years ago.... I didn't want to get married, but I wanted everything that came with marriage.... That said, what is more important to me, the home?, cars?, job? or the girl...Without her I was nothing, she was my life, she was the one that made me happy.... But I had no idea till she shook things up a bit...

She came to me one day and told me she needed space! I was like in shock, but I agreed... We dated 6 years prior to this....After further investigation, I realized she met another man...This spurred a jealous heart, a heart not jealous for cars, home or job, but for her! This made me want to go chase her again.....

She was creating a line in the sand, if I had not become jealous, then I must not care enough for her and she would be wasting her time waiting for me to ask her to marry me....

Once my perfect world wasn't perfect anymore, I had to analyze what was missing, what made my world perfect...... It was her... She made my world perfect....

Simple fact, if nothing changes, then things will stay the same... You have to draw that line in the sand, spur a chase...If he misses you and loves you, he will come running on a bent knee, if he doesn't wanna marry you, then he wont come running!

 

Its your choice really, you have let him know your intentions that you want to get married, now its his turn to prove that..If you cant get him to do that voluntarily, then you must ask for some space so he can think about it.... Shake it up! Get Results!