I feel like I'm coming apart.

[NeverLetMeDownAgain]

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder (MDD) and social anxiety disorder in 2006. Since that time, I've been in and out of therapy, had a brief stint in a mental ward, and have been on Prozac, Topamax, Paxil, Buspirone, Wellbutrin, Abilify, Luvox... I haven't tried them all yet but it sure feels like it.

 

Nothing I seem to do alleviates the feelings of utter hopelessness and despair that I have every day of my life. I don't know what to do anymore.

 

On the outside, no one would ever guess the incredible pressure I'm feeling. I just bought a house in April, I'm in school and have a 3.35 GPA, I work full-time and just got promoted, I make good money in my career. I have positive things going on... and yet, it feels like so much of nothing. I just think it's dumb luck, or that I caught a rare break. I avoid people as much as I can, yet I desperately want companionship. I cry in public places because I can't control it - yet no one sees me. I'm invisible. I am a walking ghost.

 

My friend circle is nil. I literally have no support whatsoever. My family makes my illness worse, and my friends stay away from me because of the stigma of depression - they think that I'm going to go psycho on them, when all of the "psychoness" is turned inward onto myself.

 

I feel like my life is completely, utterly over at 38 years old. I contemplate suicide more often than not. I research methods on how to do it with the least amount of pain, but something stops me from trying, mainly because since I feel like I fail at everything else, I'd fail at that too, and I really don't want to be a vegetable in case I didn't succeed.

 

It hurts even to breathe. I am so, so scared and isolated and alone. I'd tell my therapist all of this, but he'll only nod and say "uh-huh" and "how does that make you feel". Well, duh, idiot, how do you THINK I feel, don't be stupid.

 

I'm finishing this post by admitting that I'm sobbing, just like I have been every day for the last 10 years of my life. I took two Tylenol PMs a couple of hours ago to try and sleep - at least to get some blessed escape from the pain for a little while - but they're not working. I can't even sleep anymore.

 

I'm sorry for rambling, but I have literally nowhere else to turn. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm "in control" now because I have to be for my job, but what happens to me when I can't hold it back anymore? When the day comes where I'll have a complete breakdown?

 

I'm so scared. I am so, so scared....

Edited September 25, 2010 by NeverLetMeDownAgain

[MexicanBillBacker]

Out of great pain there has to come great change in order for you to become a better person.

 

Find a hobby, help people out, maybe start dating, hang out with your friends.

 

If you really take a whike to think about it you don't have a rason to be sad, you make good money, have a good stable job. Now you just have to fill out the other gaps in your life and you'll be set.

[Lovely326]

I'm not trying to knock the person above me, but if it was as simple as "snap out of it"-she would have already done it. Sorry!

 

On the other hand, I want to tell you that in a way I can relate. It's saddening to see that you are feeling so down. Depression is terrible. Your therapist is not working for you. Change him/her ASAP, try them out untill you find a right one. If I may ask, why exactly do you feel like this? Be 100% open and honest with yourself. What is causing you to have these feelings? Take a notebook and write them down. What do you think you need in life to make you feel happy? How is your self esteem? What do you see when you look in the mirror? To be honest, the only time I experienced depression was when I lost my first love, and then I experience unpleasant feelings when I feel like people that mean the world to me dont feel that way back. Or with my OCD. Depression to me has always had a cause whether it was my self-esteem was hurt, or feeling like Im not good enough, or like Im not good enough in someone else's eye. Sorting out my emotions helps so at least I know what is causing me the pain. Loneliness often does cause depression. Us humans are social beings- we like to feel..well ALIVE! We crave to feel loved, understood, cared for, beautiful, wanted and we crave to love somebody, to relate to somebody, to feel like we belong. I hope I made some sense.

[shayan]

my friend,

 

depression is something very difficult to cope with and you have my symphathy. However, I feel that depression is only partly neurochemical but also reinforced by negatively learned thought patterns. So I think what you need to do is start re-wiring your brain for more positive and empowering thoughts. You need to find a way to battle your depression from the inside and force it out of your mind as much as possible. I think you can conqeur major depression with a lot of effort and time. I think you need to become your new best friend.

 

Here's where you should start:

 

read your sacred self by Wayne Dyer as you are trying my suggestions.

 

Start developing a more kind and nurturing inner voice: develop a voice (perhaps an old child hood friend or coach, or yourself after you've conqured depression), which is optimistic and kind and focused on helping you be happy and complete. And example would be if one if someone says something demaing to you, your voice responds:

 

"that's not true you are a very kind and intelligent person, they are only attacking you because that is their own nature and fault"

 

Next begin doing positive affirmation meditation: just youtube it there are many good meditations with strong positive affirmations, repeat the affirmations to yourself confidently.

 

Use positive visualization: visualize yourself slowly meeting your future goals (perhaps becoming more social, and befirending new people, and maybe finding a girfriend, accomplishing something you've always wanted to) and healing from this depression.

 

Slowly become more socially outgoing: I think a lot of your sorrow comes from your distance from human contact. I want you to slowly start educating yourself online or asking people you know, how to become more socially outgoing. Then I want you to make a plan of action and slowly work on building your social confidence and connecting with new people.

 

Learn to love yourself with this depression: I think the best way to be positive is to learn to love yourself just as you are. You may think this is impossible because you are so sad, and you also would no longer be motivated to change. But, its the complete opposite you need to form a strong and loving bond with yourself for two reasons. First just because it will make you a much more content person, and second because then you will have a more stable foundation to battle your depression.

 

Excercise: endorphins will naturally relieve stress and minor pain.

 

Be patient with yourself: it took ten years for you to plunge this deeply into depression and develop all the neuro-cognitive circuitry which is causing it. In order to recover it will take considerable time and effort.

[whichwayisup]

Have you tried any type of counseling? I completely get how you feel, I am a fellow anxiety sufferer, though am much better due to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. Please, look into it. Many hospitals, college/universities, and other smaller medical offices offer this type of therapy for those who suffer from anxiety, depression etc.. CBT is a talk therapy, to help you cope with your fears, your anxieties, to understand them, face them and deal with them.

 

Anxiety is awful, scary and most of all, takes over your life. Couple that with depression, it makes it so much worse. You're not alone, reach out to family and friends, the worst thing you can do is isolate yourself.

 

Doing yoga and deep breathing can help relieve anxiety symptoms and also make you feel more peaceful, not only your body, but your mind too.

 

Sam Obitz, Been there, done that, try this! is a good book. The Feeling Good Book, by Dr David Burns, infact any book by him is excellent.

 

Please keep posting. Many of us around here understand how you feel and what you're going through.

[skydiveaddict]

I'm so scared. I am so, so scared....

 

 

I know how you feel. I know about being scared too (more like terrified, right?) But there is a medication (or combination of meds) that will work for you. You must not give up. Help will find you

 

You are not alone and you will make it through this. Please hang on.

Edited October 1, 2010 by skydiveaddict