Am I too Optimistic for a Third Chance?

[Positive but hurt]

Hi everyone first time poster here and could do with some level headed advice.

 

I just split with my girlfriend of 18 months who I fell for when she joined my workplace over 10 years ago but she was in a relationship for many years. We finally it got together last year and it was absolutely fantastic in every way, we both knew that we were on to something special and had the same hopes and dreams for the future. After 7 months I finally told her I had some financial problems and she was very supportive and understood that it was a burden that needed to be sorted out. I looked into loans and was knocked back a few times which affected my outlook and I became withdrawn, snappy, depressed, with a negative outlook on life which took it’s toll on me and in turn her I was worried that I might not be able to provide her with the future she wanted (kids, house together etc).

 

It all came to a head when the financial problems were still on my shoulders and I became verbally abusive when I had a few drinks which upset her a lot as the stress took it’s toll. I realised I needed help as this was going to destroy the relationship before we even had a year on the clock. I went to the doctors and ended up on anti depressants while she didn’t speak to me for a week but she realised I was making an effort to get on top of the situation and we carried on. As I was withdrawn and insular I also became selfish and wasn’t able to do something for my girlfriend when she asked which was the final straw as she couldn’t take it any longer. We broke up and I was devastated that I let it get to this stage. I read many posts on here which gave me faith that I could turn these parts of my personality around and began plotting a second chance for the relationship by going no contact for 2 weeks and got myself into gear with self help books and sorted my finances out. I sent an apology letter, flowers and a poem (old fashioned I know) and after 5 weeks it did the trick and I laid out my plans for the rest of our lives together, she agreed to give me a second chance as long as I was more thoughtful, less selfish, snappy and negative.

 

I got rid of all of these problems over the summer but we had booked a holiday at the start of this year with her family and it turned into a school trip as we were marshalled along at certain times and I became irritable and snappy towards members of her family, which she didn’t like one bit and although I apologised to the family she took it to heart and wouldn’t let it drop. I noticed a change in her behaviour and she wouldn’t look me in the eye, hold my hand and talk to me that much. I knew something more serious was coming and we took a week’s breather before seeing each other again. I sat and wrote a poem, worked out when I would move in with her as we talked about when we reconciled and worked out timescales for kids/house. I rang her to say I was going to book tickets for a weekend away and she told me hold back because of the money situation but still told me she loved me on the phone. I went to work the next day and asked her if she was feeling OK as I hadn’t heard that much in the last week and she took me outside to say she didn’t love me anymore. I was heartbroken after the poem, future plans and weekend away that I had in mind the previous day I had no words. She eventually confessed that she hadn’t loved me for 6-8 weeks but didn’t want to tell me as she didn’t want to see me hurt, although she knew this before we went on holiday for 2 weeks but she still wanted me to come although she knew it was over in her own mind.

 

Since we broke up in May she said it was more of a belief that things would go back to the way they were at the start of the relationship than her actually being in love with me but did say she fell back in love for a month in July/August. She said the snappiness turned her cold and was the big reason for the breakup and although I rid myself of the other problems I wasn’t the finished article and the best boyfriend I could be. She was upset when we called it off, although I’m not sure if the tears were for the guilt of not telling me the relationship was over sooner or because she still felt something.

I still have her words in my ears and I am focused on being the best person I can be and eliminate the snappiness/verbal outbursts that seem to have ruined everything. I have my heart set on getting back with her as I know that she is the one for me and I know deep down under the baggage and arguments that (I hope) she still loves me too.

 

Am I being too optimistic in asking for another chance, has this relationship reached it’s end? Can things work out at the 3rd opportunity? I realise this is a long road back but one I feel is worth the effort as we both agreed we were soulmates.

 

Any help, advice on how to approach this or success stories would be greatly appreciated

 

Thanks for reading

[TearsofHope]

It's hard to say and I am pretty sure you are going to have everybody saying "move on", but some people don't want too! So I am not going to put down your hope for a third chance. But I can say that with the depression and the little annoyance/outbursts, doesn't sound like something exciting to be in. Just a everyday routine. I wouldn't doubt at all if she wakes up in the morning thinking, "I wonder if I am going to have a good day with him or a upset day?". B/c you have depression and what not.

 

Sounds like she checked out emotionally for now, and its best you leave everything alone. You already did the flowers, candy and what not so it'll be pretty lame to do that all over again only for you to possibly fall back to your old ways. Maybe you need time to yourself to get your life back on track before you try to be with her b/c it sounds like she is just not happy with you. And because she isn't "married" to you, she doesn't have no vow to put up with your depression, your anger outbursts, snappy moods.. so yeah. she is done, for now.

 

i say for now, because maybe if you focus on yourself and she does what she needs to do, then maybe a reconcilation came happen. but for now, if you cant give a third chance of trying your 100% best, if its 75%, I would just leave it alone. Just imagine when you try 4th, 5th, 6th time then it'll start to get ridiculous here.

 

Risk the loss of her by getting yourself together emotionally, mentally, physically, and if she is still there, maybe it would be worth waiting when she sees you having your head on straight then just jumping into things b/c you don't want to be alone.

[Positive but hurt]

Thanks for you response TearsofHope

 

I think you are talking sensibly and it's good to hear someone elses view. I should have mentioned that I shook the depression off after the financial problems were in check so that isn't an issue anymore. The verbal outbursts and irritability were only occasional but they were enough to grind her down in the end and I imagine it was no fun from her point of view.

 

I know I have to get myself in check first but from what she said there were only a few things that needed sorting out but she thinks its a permanent part of my personality. I think she doesn't want to see history repeating as members of her family suffer from snappiness/temper issues and if we were to have children she would need to see that side of me put to bed permanently.

 

It was only a few weeks ago that members of her family were asking when I would move in with her but they were in the dark as to what her thoughts were and thought everything was OK. She doesn't tell anyone about her problems and her worst personality trait is being stubborn which make me worried that I wouldn't get another chance.

 

I'm worried that she's already got her head around what has happened as she held off telling me about it for weeks and the tears she cried on the night we broke up were for me.

 

I'm willing to wait/chase until it is absolutely gone (if it isn't already). I just want to be persistant enough to show her that I am here for the long haul without turning into a stalker. Oh and she works in my office so we will see each other most days Nightmare scenario

 

 

It's hard to say and I am pretty sure you are going to have everybody saying "move on", but some people don't want too! So I am not going to put down your hope for a third chance. But I can say that with the depression and the little annoyance/outbursts, doesn't sound like something exciting to be in. Just a everyday routine. I wouldn't doubt at all if she wakes up in the morning thinking, "I wonder if I am going to have a good day with him or a upset day?". B/c you have depression and what not.

 

Sounds like she checked out emotionally for now, and its best you leave everything alone. You already did the flowers, candy and what not so it'll be pretty lame to do that all over again only for you to possibly fall back to your old ways. Maybe you need time to yourself to get your life back on track before you try to be with her b/c it sounds like she is just not happy with you. And because she isn't "married" to you, she doesn't have no vow to put up with your depression, your anger outbursts, snappy moods.. so yeah. she is done, for now.

 

i say for now, because maybe if you focus on yourself and she does what she needs to do, then maybe a reconcilation came happen. but for now, if you cant give a third chance of trying your 100% best, if its 75%, I would just leave it alone. Just imagine when you try 4th, 5th, 6th time then it'll start to get ridiculous here.

 

Risk the loss of her by getting yourself together emotionally, mentally, physically, and if she is still there, maybe it would be worth waiting when she sees you having your head on straight then just jumping into things b/c you don't want to be alone.