KarmasTestDummy Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I've heard it mentioned and assume it's when he makes a choice...but is it forced upon? What do u mean by D-Day?
Hazyhead Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 D-Day is the day that the affair is discovered (or actually confirmed) by the married person's significant other. The day the s*** hits the fan.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 D-Day is the day that the affair is discovered (or actually confirmed) by the married person's significant other. The day the s*** hits the fan. Ohhhhh...not what was coming to mind. I was thinking it was an ultimatum given to ws to pick one or the other. Everyone made it out to be the finalization. I figure many A's continue even after the BS finds out.
bentnotbroken Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Ohhhhh...not what was coming to mind. I was thinking it was an ultimatum given to ws to pick one or the other. Everyone made it out to be the finalization. I figure many A's continue even after the BS finds out. Then you figured right. Doesn't say a lot for the cheating partner. Here is the out, so why don't a rather large number or them don't take it?
Ellin Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 Then you figured right. Doesn't say a lot for the cheating partner. Here is the out, so why don't a rather large number or them don't take it? I don't understand how BS finding out makes it easier for WS to leave? If WS wanted to leave before D-day, he/she could have done so anyway, there was no need for waiting until BS finds out. On the other hand if BS is willing to stay M after finding out, then what's so different about the whole situation?
Silly_Girl Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I don't understand how BS finding out makes it easier for WS to leave? If WS wanted to leave before D-day, he/she could have done so anyway, there was no need for waiting until BS finds out. On the other hand if BS is willing to stay M after finding out, then what's so different about the whole situation? I think it's relevant when it's one of the conflict avoiders... they're petrified of owning up, can't bring themselves to do it. They conveniently forget it's the screwing around that causes the hurt, not the telling of it. When BS finds out, if she goes apesh.it the WS can run for cover, and either make out he's being 'noble' by leaving, or get thrown out and then say he's doing as she's asked. It's all a bit (very?!) disingenuous...
Ellin Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I think it's relevant when it's one of the conflict avoiders... they're petrified of owning up, can't bring themselves to do it. They conveniently forget it's the screwing around that causes the hurt, not the telling of it. When BS finds out, if she goes apesh.it the WS can run for cover, and either make out he's being 'noble' by leaving, or get thrown out and then say he's doing as she's asked. It's all a bit (very?!) disingenuous... I think the thing with conflict avoiders is that they are somewhat controlled by their SO (and perhaps other important people in their life), so if the spouse after D-day "decides" they should stay together, then nothing's changed... They still cannot leave easily. And I think this is quite a common scenario for some reason. We're doing a t/j though..
bentnotbroken Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I don't understand how BS finding out makes it easier for WS to leave? If WS wanted to leave before D-day, he/she could have done so anyway, there was no need for waiting until BS finds out. On the other hand if BS is willing to stay M after finding out, then what's so different about the whole situation? It doesn't surprise me that you don't get it. Differing perspectives I suppose.
crazycatlady Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I've heard it mentioned and assume it's when he makes a choice...but is it forced upon? What do u mean by D-Day? I use dday to mean the day that H told me what was going. I knew before he told me. And when he told me, he knew I knew already. If I'm refering to DDay in general, I mean when all three know what is going on....And with some, that can take multiple finding out for it to truly sink in.
Ellin Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 It doesn't surprise me that you don't get it. Differing perspectives I suppose. So would you mind elaborating on the rest of my post? I guess when BS wants to get rid of WS after d-day, that could be considered as an easy way out, but it's not always so, and if BS wants to stay M, what's different?
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 25, 2010 Author Posted September 25, 2010 I highly doubt bs accepts it and agrees. Point is bs says okay we can get past this, but u must stop. He says ummm okay, but doesn't. Now bs is suspicious but has to find proof all over again to confirm it's still continuing. The lies never end. Maybe get smarter or the R is harder to continue or contact becomes limited, but rarely does a mm say yes dear she means NOTHING to me' and I gladly will never speak to or see her again. It just doesn't end that way that easily just because she knows. Just like a marriage won't end til he's ready neither will an A...the only way for that is if either BS or OW make the choice for him.
seren Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 D Day for us was H coming home and telling me had, had an A and me asking what he wanted to do - stay or leave? Me asking myself what I wanted to do - stay or leave? For the BS, D Day means knowing the truth and making an informed choice based upon that truth. H ended with OW. It was of course far more traumatic than that, but that's the basic gist. For the OW it was the end of the A, for me and H the beginning of reconciliation, repairing and a whole lot of talking. Everyone dreads D Day, but for me, it was the best thing to have happened as there was no more gaslighting and it helped H see what he had risked losing. Just my situation, but all are different, of course.
Ellin Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I highly doubt bs accepts it and agrees. Point is bs says okay we can get past this, but u must stop. He says ummm okay, but doesn't. Now bs is suspicious but has to find proof all over again to confirm it's still continuing. The lies never end. Maybe get smarter or the R is harder to continue or contact becomes limited, but rarely does a mm say yes dear she means NOTHING to me' and I gladly will never speak to or see her again. It just doesn't end that way that easily just because she knows. Just like a marriage won't end til he's ready neither will an A...the only way for that is if either BS or OW make the choice for him. That's what I meant. Unless BS make the decision for MM and kicks him out for good, the dynamics of the whole situation don't necessary have to change that much after D-day... Maybe for a while but not in the long run.
jennie-jennie Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 D Day for us was H coming home and telling me had, had an A and me asking what he wanted to do - stay or leave? Me asking myself what I wanted to do - stay or leave? For the BS, D Day means knowing the truth and making an informed choice based upon that truth. H ended with OW. It was of course far more traumatic than that, but that's the basic gist. For the OW it was the end of the A, for me and H the beginning of reconciliation, repairing and a whole lot of talking. Everyone dreads D Day, but for me, it was the best thing to have happened as there was no more gaslighting and it helped H see what he had risked losing. Just my situation, but all are different, of course. Your husband made a conscious choice to tell you. He might have been done with the affair and now knew what he valued the most. This has happened to me many times during my time as the BS.
bentnotbroken Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 So would you mind elaborating on the rest of my post? I guess when BS wants to get rid of WS after d-day, that could be considered as an easy way out, but it's not always so, and if BS wants to stay M, what's different? I see married people who cheat as cowardly in there actions, I don't believe that you do. So here is where nothing I say will be the "right" answer for you. So we will leave it at the first response that I had to the OP.
seren Posted September 25, 2010 Posted September 25, 2010 I will have to disagree with the fact that the A doesn't just end and that NC, is unlikely, well in our case anyway. For some, D Day can be a relief that the A is out there in the open, the OW in H's case could not understand why H wouldn't speak to her, I know we spoke on a number of occasions and H refused to talk to her (I asked him to give her porper closure, he refused). Conflict avoidance if ever there was. Not all D Days result in the re starting of the A, I am sure some do, but don't understand why the AP would accept this, surely D Day is the time for the WS to leave.
seren Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 Your husband made a conscious choice to tell you. He might have been done with the affair and now knew what he valued the most. This has happened to me many times during my time as the BS. I don't know that he knew he valued us the most JJ, but I can remember the look on his face after he told me of the A and it was then that I think he realised just what he had done and risked losing. H's A was started at a time when our marriage was not so good and he had, had a hard time in Iraq, lots of loss, lots of self esteem issues. He will now say that he thought I didn't love him and he sure didn't love himself, OW did. D Day sort of put it all into perspective, no threats, no drama from me (well a little) and had he chose to leave, I would still have loved him and helped him move on.
jennie-jennie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I will have to disagree with the fact that the A doesn't just end and that NC, is unlikely, well in our case anyway. For some, D Day can be a relief that the A is out there in the open, the OW in H's case could not understand why H wouldn't speak to her, I know we spoke on a number of occasions and H refused to talk to her (I asked him to give her porper closure, he refused). Conflict avoidance if ever there was. Not all D Days result in the re starting of the A, I am sure some do, but don't understand why the AP would accept this, surely D Day is the time for the WS to leave. No. If the WS has not made his mind up before Dday, Dday most likely will not do it for him. He doesn't want the marriage to end, he doesn't want the affair to end. For a while now, he has to struggle to save the marriage, which might include throwing the OW under the bus to do so. Once things settle down, he most likely will be back in the affair. Some MM like yours and mine, seren, are done with the affair on Dday. They voluntarily tell of what has been and are now ready to move on without it. That is an entirely different scenario from the MM who is still torn.
jennie-jennie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I don't know that he knew he valued us the most JJ, but I can remember the look on his face after he told me of the A and it was then that I think he realised just what he had done and risked losing. H's A was started at a time when our marriage was not so good and he had, had a hard time in Iraq, lots of loss, lots of self esteem issues. He will now say that he thought I didn't love him and he sure didn't love himself, OW did. D Day sort of put it all into perspective, no threats, no drama from me (well a little) and had he chose to leave, I would still have loved him and helped him move on. It sounds like Dday helped your husband understand what he needed to understand. For many MM this is not the case.
seren Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 You know JJ, it is incomprehensible to me how anyone can hurt the one they love, and I am talking MP toward AP and stay married after D Day. I cannot imagine how hurt the AP must be if the WS stays and has promised the moon on a stick and will leave after a D Day. But I can see the not done with one or the other, it just seems so calculated. In an ideal world we would all just stay with those we love and when we are no longer in love, leave ..... if only it were so simple.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 That's what I meant. Unless BS make the decision for MM and kicks him out for good, the dynamics of the whole situation don't necessary have to change that much after D-day... Maybe for a while but not in the long run. I worry far more about D-Day than he does. I am the one always saying to remember to delete his texts or to not sit there texting me' while she is on the couch watching tv 10 feet away from him. His answer is always that he doesn't give a damn. He's said a million times she can walk whenever she feels like it, and if she wants to talk about his A then he's got hers to throw right back at her. I wonder if it would really play out that smoothly, but I truly believe that he wouldn't give a damn or stop just because she found out.
seren Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 KarmaTestDummy, Hope you don't mind my asking and sorry for the T/J, but if he is that unhappy, why doesn't he just leave?
jennie-jennie Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 You know JJ, it is incomprehensible to me how anyone can hurt the one they love, and I am talking MP toward AP and stay married after D Day. I cannot imagine how hurt the AP must be if the WS stays and has promised the moon on a stick and will leave after a D Day. But I can see the not done with one or the other, it just seems so calculated. In an ideal world we would all just stay with those we love and when we are no longer in love, leave ..... if only it were so simple. I think many MM do exactly this, try to not hurt the ones they love. I know my MM is like this. He wants the best for his children, which he sees as an intact home with both a mother and a father present. He wants his wife as happy as she can be, so he keeps the truth hidden from her and that way she stays happy. He wants me as happy as I can be, so he is the best possible partner he can be albeit staying married. I know a Dday would confuse the issues for my MM rather than help him. Then he would have to deal with all of his wife's emotions as well on top of his own confused ones.
Star_Bright Posted September 26, 2010 Posted September 26, 2010 I worry far more about D-Day than he does. I am the one always saying to remember to delete his texts or to not sit there texting me' while she is on the couch watching tv 10 feet away from him. His answer is always that he doesn't give a damn. He's said a million times she can walk whenever she feels like it, and if she wants to talk about his A then he's got hers to throw right back at her. I wonder if it would really play out that smoothly, but I truly believe that he wouldn't give a damn or stop just because she found out. Wow. This was a hard post for me to read. Sometimes I've wondered if we OWs aren't just pawns in the game they're playing against/with their wives. Like, it's really not about us at all. This post just confirmed for me that that can be the case. I feel like it's not really about me, it's primarily about him, and then about his marriage to his wife, so where does that leave me. On D-Day my exMM seemed to be happy to have been discovered, and has stayed that way ever since...yet he has also stayed married.
Author KarmasTestDummy Posted September 26, 2010 Author Posted September 26, 2010 KarmaTestDummy, Hope you don't mind my asking and sorry for the T/J, but if he is that unhappy, why doesn't he just leave? I'm leery to answer this again because I got some negativity last time but I am an open book and it's nobody's life to live and accept but my own. My mm is married to his old high school sweetheart. He was her first. They have 4 kids together under the age of 10. (mind u this is what I've been told so I don't say it as fact, just his reasoning) She is an alcoholic and smokes pot very heavily. She has never worked a day in her life. He will not let her walk out with the children but she won't leave without them when they argue. She uses them as her pawn. He won't leave the house he bought to watch her let it get foreclosed on. She has no place to go. Her father is dead and her mom just got remarried and lives in a small trailer a couple hours away. He said she has an inheritance coming from her father's passing. It's in a legal battle right now because the wife doesn't want the kids to get it...but he said he knows that as soon as she gets a lump sum of money in her hands the first thing she will want to do is leave and have all the fun she thinks she missed out on by getting married and having kids so young. I guess she has threatened this many times anyway since she found out she had Money coming to her. In a way he is biding his time waiting for that to happen. He says she will want to leave the kids with him because she won't be able to booze it up and sleep around as a single mom of 4. So bottom line, he's hoping she'll make the first move and then if she does try to take the kids he has tons of stuff on her to fight back with in court.
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