I don't know what's going on...

[emermaid]

Okay, so we weren't going steady, but I (31) was seeing this girl (28) who I met via Okcupid for 6 weeks starting in August. Stuff was fine-- we'd see each other twice a week, spent some long weekends together (sex included), cook each other dinner. It was agreed that we weren't sleeping with anyone else and would tell each other if that became something we wanted. Towards the middle of that time, she brought up one late night after sex that she was a little nervous because she'd be moving to Berlin in a year and didn't want me to "fall in love with her" and didn't want to hurt me by leaving. I said that I was fine seeing her while she's here and letting go when it's time. I told her I just want something steady for now, and she responded that she isn't "steady" (??), then fell asleep...

 

There were a few mysterious things about her. I'm not sure they are "red flags" but now I wonder. For one, she just moved to NYC from Puerto Rico three months before we met, so has very few friends here. I finally met one of her friends the week before I left town on vacation three weeks ago. It was someone she had dated briefly then became friends with. She was also really bad about the phone. She said that some of her friends back home in PR were mad at her for not keeping in touch. I noticed that she didn't follow up after dates to check in or make other plans, so I'd always have to send texts first. A few times she picked up the phone and chatted with me, but it was rare. Often I'd have to try to contact her via multiple means and she still wouldn't get back to me for a day or two, later apologizing and saying her phone wasn't charged or she hadn't looked at it in a day. She lived in an apartment with her alcoholic friend from PR and was always stressed about fights with him. She wouldn't let me come see her place because it was too "bipolar" no matter how much I asked to see her space. So basically, at this point, I don't even know where she lives, exactly. She was looking for a job and apparently two months late on rent.

 

She told me that she is on medication for ADD and is bipolar, tho not medicated for it. Not that I want to discriminate, but these facts made me feel cautious. She doesn't eat much and is very skinny. She seemed to drink a bit around me and once showed up smelling like beer, but from what I saw she only had two or so beers when we hung out in private, perhaps more at parties. She never seemed drunk when I was and she swore that it was because she used to bar tend in PR and had a high tolerance.

 

All this aside, we were having a great time together on the weekends, she gave me tons of attention and affection and I had so much fun with her...but I was growing a little frustrated on how much effort it took to get in touch with her in between, and how often she had oddball excuses. She made it to all of our plans (even tho she said she isn't a "planner"), until the week before I was supposed to leave for a vacation to Berlin (ironically, I'd already planned to visit a friend where she'd be moving).

 

That night I was waiting for her at my house so we could meet and go to a friend's party, and she sent these vague texts about being late. I tried to call her three times because I didn't know how late, should I just leave and meet her at the party? etc. She didn't pick up. Eventually I sent a text saying to meet me at the party, and she said she would. I wrote an hour later asking when she would be there, and she answered "I have stuff here. Dunno if I will make". I called again because that didn't seem clear, and no answer.

 

The next day I texted her to make sure everything was okay. I told her I got worried something happened when she didn't show up. She said she was having roommate drama but things were okay. We talked on the phone later and she apologized for being a bad communicator and said she'd try to be better. She later went into this elaborate story about her drunk roommate being suicidal and her talking him out of it, then leaving her phone in her room and missing my calls. She asked to come over and watch movies the next night, so she did, and it was fun. But, she started joking that I should hook up with someone in Berlin and not tell her about it, which was confusing because she'd already told me she wasn't into being non monogomous.

 

That Sunday, we had plans to go to the beach for her birthday which was coming up the day after I was leaving town. On Friday, I received a text from her that her mom showed up in town for a birthday surprise and her weekend plans would change. Thinking about our conversation about communicating more clearly, I called instead of texting back. She didn't pick up. I texted, "oh cool! do you want to cancel the beach on sunday? I have a birthday gift for you and it would be cool to see you before I leave town". She wrote back "i'm in mother mode, will call you later". She didn't call. I tried her the next day, no answer, and sent another text. By sunday I was upset. I knew she was hanging with mom, but how hard would it be to make a quick call to cancel plans with me? I noticed she was on facebook saturday night, updating (which she rarely does ever, since she's incommunicado!), so apparently had some downtime. I wondered if she was flaking out on me and felt a bit hurt.

 

Sunday I suddenly got a few messages from her around noon. Her phone was dead, she said, please don't be mad, she hasn't seen her mom in a few months, did i want to go to a dinner party with her later? I couldn't answer for a few hours bc I was at the beach with friends, so then she sent more texts, "I tried to call you but no ring. Do you want to go to party? Yes or no". It seemed demanding for someone who hadn't gotten back to me for three days.

 

I met her at the party on a rooftop and she was acting pretty nervous and strange. I asked her if something was wrong and she went off about how she was mad about "all" of my messages, that she wasn't in a relationship, and I should have gotten the idea from her text that plans were canceled. I said I only left two messages (one VM and one text--okay a long text that might have come in as more than one) and that was when I didn't hear back from her when she said she'd call. She kept saying that she's not my girlfriend and doesn't have to check in. I said, that's fine, but we have to communicate a little better. She was drinking a lot of beer, and I didn't realize till the end of the party when she told me that she had 12 beers that night. Seems like a lot to me--but perhaps I am a lightweight. She went on about how I should be open to having adventures and hooking up with people in Berlin, that she'd be okay with it, and how we are just hanging out and having fun. It shouldn't be stressful. I said that's fine, but that I needed to meet her somewhere in the middle because communication wasn't clear and it was not fun. she said if it's not fun, then we can be friends, but that didn't seem to solve it for me. how could i be friends with someone who didn't show up? She still resisted. Ironically, I don't know why she said she'd change things a few days earlier and now was totally pushing back.

 

We hung out the rest of the night. She stayed over and we passed out drunk. We had sex in the morning, tho I woke up feeling awful and hung over and needed to leave for my flight. She made us breakfast in my kitchen while I finished packing and I gave her a bday gift. We parted and said we'd talk when I was back in two weeks.

 

I felt sad about the whole thing in Berlin. I had a great time with friends, but didn't hook up with anyone (wasn't my priority, either way). I got back a few days ago, waited three days to settle in and nurse the cold I caught on the plane, and then texted her that I was back, was nursing a cold I caught on the plane and have berlin stories for her. She wrote back immediately, "Let's do something. I'm working at my new job"

I wrote back a few hours later because I was home sleeping off my flu, "ok, let's. when are you free?"

 

Suffice to say, that was two days ago. I haven't heard anything in response to my text. It's the weekend, when she has off from work. I have a history with people abandoning me and it's bringing up a lot of painful feelings. Her and I had talked several times about how we would tell each other if we didn't want to date anymore or were dating someone else. She emphasized that she wants to be friends if we don't date. I feel, for myself, I need some clarity, but I don't think I can force communication out of her, without her lashing back. I'm feeling really anxious, wondering what I did wrong. I'm thinking about her way too much.

 

Normally, I'd be more direct and give her a call, but Im sick of having to call so much to get a hold of her, and especially after our last conversation, I don't want to seem like a "stalker". So I've been laying low. I miss her and want to see her, but I'm afraid I can't trust her. I'm feeling like the three weeks apart gave me some physical separation and even though i really miss her, it will be harder if I start things up again and they don't work out.

 

I also don't feel like she was treating me all that well before I left and I think if she really cared about me, she would call. While I was away, I started to wonder if there's something else going on--is she on drugs or does she have a drinking problem? Perhaps this is because my last serious girlfriend had a drinking relapse, or maybe I am seeing the signs. There are a lot of mysteries about her which I wonder whether I'll ever solve. Last night I went out with friends and ran into her friend I'd met the other week. I talked with him about other things and didn't bring her up to the friend, but I was wondering if I should.

 

She also has two of my favorite books she insisted on borrowing. I told her I usually don't lend them out and she promised she'd give them back... I'm wondering how long I should wait? Should I just send a text asking for my books and accept that it's over? Should I assume she's being the usual flaky and call her? I would say that maybe she didn't get the text, but that seems ridiculous at this point. Plus, if she wanted to get together, wouldn't she send another text even if I didn't write back? Or should I give it another week and see if she gets in touch? Or should I do nothing and just feel the pain of the separation and let it all go? I do think I deserve an explanation, but I'm wondering if I will get one.

 

Also, sorry this is so long! I can't seem to write anything short!

Edited September 25, 2010 by emermaid

[leftfield]

Wow that was long! How long were you seeing this girl, 6 weeks? I feel like I've just read a minute-by-minute account of your relationship right there

 

Sorry, joking aside, this girl clearly has some serious commitment issues that are not likely to be solved by you. If she has made it clear that you are not in a relationship then only one of you is going to feel the "pain of separation" as you put it, and it certainly isn't going to be her.

 

I think despite what you're saying to her (and what you've written above) you're allowing yourself to get too involved with someone that isn't interested in anything committed. If this thread is anything to go by you are obviously a very open communicator, she is not. You want something more organised and committed - a relationship if you will - she does not.

 

Although I think you're telling yourself that you're OK to go along with her commitment to non-commitment, your actions and some of your words suggest otherwise. You're clearly not compatible with this girl.

 

You seem like a nice guy that's just in the wrong place with the wrong person, so I think you should go with option C, do nothing and just let it all go. Buy the books again if you have to. You are only going to get hurt more in the long run if you let yourself get more attached to someone that is not remotely interested in attachment. Even if she contacts you I think you should do yourself a favour and move on, she doesn't seem right for you. She'll end up messing with your head and doing more damage.

 

This is just my opinion of course from reading your novel, but I'm sure you know yourself that this is not going to go well for you. Good luck with whatever happens!

[brainblox]

Take leftfield's advise, You won't make a housewife out of this one I'm telling you ! My ex acted the same way near the end and reading your Bio was like major flash backs.

 

These girls are fun to be around when there up but when there down it feels like there removing your heart with a spoon, let her be and count yourself lucky she let you go !

[emermaid]

thanks guys. still, it's really hard not to have closure-- a text asking to hang out and nothing?? i dont know how to deal with that. is this a typical narcissist? come on, give a girl a clue! it's so awkward, especially since i will surely run into her eventually.

Edited September 25, 2010 by emermaid

[brainblox]

Does she know she's treating you like crap ? Some people just can't deal with telling there partners it's over face to face so they ignore in the hope your disappear, sad but true. I hope it's not long before your over her !

[2sunny]

she made you her option... never her priority. that tells you everything you need to know.

[leftfield]

thanks guys. still, it's really hard not to have closure-- a text asking to hang out and nothing?? i dont know how to deal with that. is this a typical narcissist? come on, give a girl a clue! it's so awkward, especially since i will surely run into her eventually.

 

I assumed you were a guy, sorry about that, but my advice remains the same. Let this one go. As for closure, you don't need her to give you that, it's something you can find for yourself when you decide to close the door and walk on. Her actions speak much louder than anything she could ever say.

 

If you do run into her, hold your head high and walk on. She's not right for you and will only continue to mess with your head. Be good to yourself