Is it safe to come here and admit we're having a great time with MM?

September 29, 2010

Just wanted to add, KTD, because I've been thinking about this as I read other posts, that there are many cheating spouses who come on LS and say "it's not that anything is wrong with my marriage... I love my spouse..." etc. Right now there is one (by a MW) called something like "it's progressing, no lectures please" where the MW is saying that she had a good marriage and nothing was wrong and her OM has a good marriage and nothing was wrong, but they fell in love. Unfulfilled relationship with the spouse? No, and it still happened. And all the time OW come here and say their MM says there is nothing wrong with his marriage, he is happy. The one I've read recently that comes to mind is by unsure10, whose OM keeps telling her he is happily married and doesn't want an affair, and yet they are starting an affair.

So, I'm just explaining why I don't agree with your theory at all. To me it seems that people in fulfilling relationships--even by their own admission!--cheat. And then there are those who it seems to me are trying to point fault at their wives so they feel better about what they are doing. I mean, come on, NO relationship is perfect and everyone could find something about their partner or relationship that they find "unfullfilling"... makes it easier on them to not have to look at their own actions.

This is just what I've been thinking about my own situation because my exMM's wife does everything for him, her life revolves around his, yet he cheats on her with me. Sure, he can say and I can believe that there are things about her that are unfulfilling to him-- sex, intellectual companionship, understanding, etc. But he chose her to marry so how can he use these as reasons to cheat??? And she's changed, as he's changed... they've been married a long time and so yeah now things are not a bed of roses as he might have hoped but what happened to "for better or worse"? So I just start to think, okay he does this with me and blames it in part on her and their relationship (he has also taken accountability and said he knows he is doing the wrong thing and that's why he wants to get divorced)... so what could he do to me years down the line? It is a scary thought. Try as I might I'm not superwoman and could never fulfill him in every little way... especially if he has unreasonable demands or our circumstances change or he is using my not fulfilling him as a reason to be with someone else. Do you see what I mean? Just trying to explain my thought process here.

I get u totally...and actually agree with much of what u said. I read the no lectures post. It bothered me immensely because it just felt selfish. I guess all As are. I can't explain my rationale. I have seen them last though. My exH is still with his OW. Some men just want something else than what they signed up for. Of course it can happen again. Maybe I just don't want to believe it. My mm says he likes to be married. Its comfortable to him. Nobody wants to feel alone. He just doesn't want to be married to her. I believe if he left it will be when he's sure I'm the on he's ready to be married to after her. Something he can move on to so there's no gap.

September 29, 2010

If their relationship is fulfilling he has no reason to cheat! Period! Not all mm in an A are serial cheaters. Those who are fortunate to find love don't necessarily feel the need to spend the rest of their lives looking over their shoulders.

I did not ask if she thought he would cheat. I asked what her opinion was of women who come on to him knowing he is married. I never even attempted to say he was jumping on.

September 29, 2010

I get u totally...and actually agree with much of what u said. I read the no lectures post. It bothered me immensely because it just felt selfish. I guess all As are. I can't explain my rationale. I have seen them last though. My exH is still with his OW. Some men just want something else than what they signed up for. Of course it can happen again. Maybe I just don't want to believe it. My mm says he likes to be married. Its comfortable to him. Nobody wants to feel alone. He just doesn't want to be married to her. I believe if he left it will be when he's sure I'm the on he's ready to be married to after her. Something he can move on to so there's no gap.

Wow, our MMs sound very similar. Mine has told me his wife has changed so much since he married her and their marriage has disintegrated to the point where he wants out. He didn't really realize this at first and was just trying to be happy and pretending to be happy. He said I opened his eyes to what he was missing and he knows he can't have that with his wife anymore ever, so he doesn't see any point in staying with her. At the same time, he hates to be alone and would suffer through if I weren't there to be with him. But then he says he knows he would look for someone else to fill that void-- not that I'm replacable but just that he is unhappy and his current situation and he is fooling himself to think he can make it better; he knows the cycle will just continue if he stays. He doesn't want there to be a gap either.

Mine says he is moving out on Sunday. You'd think I'd be so happy and part of me is but all of this is so frustrating and confusing to me. I told him I think his issue is he needs to be alone for awhile and not jump from one woman to the other like he did the first time around (his current wife was his OW in his first marriage). He says he likes to be in a relationship and doesn't see the point of being alone. He says he can work on his issues and be with me, too. He also says that he can't just take a break because then he will need to learn how to live life without me and he can't just put our relationship up on a shelf and take it down later in the same spot. He says now is the time when we want to be together so we need to be together, what's the point in not being together to be together?

I really think men must have a hard time being alone. It makes me frustrated that he says he likes to be in a relationship and be in love... and then ends up cheating on that person he likes to be in a relationship and in love with! That makes no sense to me and how do I know he won't do it to me??? He says he is so sure I am the one for him and he has never had this level of physical, emotional and mental connection with anyone. I do agree that our connection is amazing and he has so many things I want in a relationship-- good communication, openness, we have fun together and want to be together but also respect each other's time to do other things, etc. So I hang on because of this feeling and because of all the good things about us but then I fear his inability to be alone and his needing me in order to get out of his marriage. My friend said that's just human nature... we don't like to leave one thing before we have another set up. Job, house, relationship, etc. Very true. But it all makes my head spin to the point where I think ***I*** just need to be alone and okay on my own. I hate that my emotions and thoughts revolve around him so much, you know?

Thanks for talking, it's great to find people who can relate and our guys really do seem similar.

September 29, 2010

I get u totally...and actually agree with much of what u said. I read the no lectures post. It bothered me immensely because it just felt selfish. I guess all As are. I can't explain my rationale. I have seen them last though. My exH is still with his OW. Some men just want something else than what they signed up for. Of course it can happen again. Maybe I just don't want to believe it. My mm says he likes to be married. Its comfortable to him. Nobody wants to feel alone. He just doesn't want to be married to her. I believe if he left it will be when he's sure I'm the on he's ready to be married to after her. Something he can move on to so there's no gap.

I also meant to say I totally relate to the bolded part too. MM used to tell me that he needed to be sure of my commitment before he could leave. I'd be like, MY commitment?? As we talked I realized he meant he would only leave that marriage if he was sure I would be waiting for him and wanting to be with him for good. He is a lot older than me and worries that I won't love him when he's old. He's afraid I'll resent his kids. He's afraid he has too much baggage. That type of thing. I said, you are using all these excuses to not be together that *I'm* not using, yet you're questioning MY level of commitment? It started to seem like I was in a game I couldn't win. I just wanted to be able to date him without him being married... yes I love him and want to be with him long-term but how can I show him that when he doesn't give me the chance because he's still married?!?! You know? It was a catch-22.

So then I went NC and I think he realized that I'm not just a woman waiting on a string with undying devotion, I have my own life to live and if he wants to be with me then he can get on board and get divorced, if not, I will move on. That's really how I feel. I have done everything I can to show him I want to be with him and we do talk about marriage. I am an all-or-nothing type person, I can't just kind of be with him, I want it to be for good.

He started going to IC and I think this helped him realize that his issues are more with his wife than they are with me. In that way I kind of feel like a pawn in a game at this point. He is using me in a way to run away from her but he needs to deal with his issues with her and what he is really going to do about them independently of me. He told me recently that he understands now that there are no guarantees of him and I ending up together. His therapist told him our odds are very very slim. But he still wants to take the risk, knowing that if we don't work out, he will be fine on his own and he would rather just date other people than stay married to his wife. It was such a huge relief to hear him say that because before I thought everything was resting on my shoulders; like, I had to be some superwoman to save him from his marriage and if I wavered at all, he would resent me or wish he had stayed with her. I think he needed to get to this point for us to work although I'm still not sure we will work. For a long time he was at the point where you mention you think your guy is--not going to leave unless he was totally sure he and I would get married and live happily ever after. Well how can anyone be sure of that??!! And I think he has finally realized that that is a silly proposition.

September 29, 2010

Easier said than done.. and yes MOST men cheat.. and 99.9% would if they knew they would never get caught..

Why on earth do we pretend to be monogomous creatures by nature when it apparently goes against human nature? It is horrible to think that it all rests on your ability to keep ur man happy and his sheer will alone to keep other women at bay.

September 29, 2010

Star. It is a great feeling to come here and connect with someone who understands not only what I'm going through but sorta what my MM is going through. I can only speak for him and his choices so much but it feels like your mm and mine have similar mindsets which we can make it easier to understand eachother's thought process in how to deal with the situation. I agree with what u said...I think if I left with nc my mm would eventually seek something else because he is frankly not happy with his situation or being alone. He still needs to fill that gap and void. Not that I feel replaceable but that I know he knows there are other women in the sea if I say I can't be with him under the circumstances. He knows he is done with his marriage, now he's acting out as a single person seeking Ms right...not necessarily ms right now.

He said something to me last night..and in our conversation it did kind of open my eyes. I don't recall what brought it up but he said well I'm always going to be married...not to her but marriage is what I am, what I do. I have no desire to date and play the field. I really truly believe now that when he knows he wants me long-term that will be it...she'll be gone and he'll be wanting to move me in. If it's not me', I believe he will break it off and focus on someone else. He's dating me', just in a very different and unorthodox way. I joke with him about who else he's been with and what not. He says nobody...that he's monogomous even in his affair. Said even sleeping with his wife would feel wrong when he's seeing me'. Wish i could totally believe him but he knows that's not a rule I ever placed on him so he has no reason to lie about it. Idk...it's totally crazy and I'm talking like some irrational person, but I really do think we will ultimately be together and he's not the conventional WS just out to get his rocks off.

September 29, 2010

So GEL now that you have been happily married for a while how do you feel about women who come onto your husband. I am sure your husband is attractive. He must have many women come onto him knowing he is married. No problems with that?

Why would it bother her? If you're aware and you trust your spouse what difference does it make if someone came onto them? If he was pursuing other women or stepping outside boundaries then it'd be another story. As in every step of the A the OW/OM and their actions are inconsequential. If a S won't cheat there isn't an A.

September 29, 2010

So GEL now that you have been happily married for a while how do you feel about women who come onto your husband. I am sure your husband is attractive. He must have many women come onto him knowing he is married. No problems with that?

This post wasn't addressed to me of course, but I really don't get it. Seems the only purpose of it, is to take a dig at GEL.

Also.........there is a huge difference in someone coming on to someone vs a person acting on it. As it's so often said here.......it's all about ACTIONS.

September 29, 2010

Star. It is a great feeling to come here and connect with someone who understands not only what I'm going through but sorta what my MM is going through. I can only speak for him and his choices so much but it feels like your mm and mine have similar mindsets which we can make it easier to understand eachother's thought process in how to deal with the situation. I agree with what u said...I think if I left with nc my mm would eventually seek something else because he is frankly not happy with his situation or being alone. He still needs to fill that gap and void. Not that I feel replaceable but that I know he knows there are other women in the sea if I say I can't be with him under the circumstances. He knows he is done with his marriage, now he's acting out as a single person seeking Ms right...not necessarily ms right now.

He said something to me last night..and in our conversation it did kind of open my eyes. I don't recall what brought it up but he said well I'm always going to be married...not to her but marriage is what I am, what I do. I have no desire to date and play the field. I really truly believe now that when he knows he wants me long-term that will be it...she'll be gone and he'll be wanting to move me in. If it's not me', I believe he will break it off and focus on someone else. He's dating me', just in a very different and unorthodox way. I joke with him about who else he's been with and what not. He says nobody...that he's monogomous even in his affair. Said even sleeping with his wife would feel wrong when he's seeing me'. Wish i could totally believe him but he knows that's not a rule I ever placed on him so he has no reason to lie about it. Idk...it's totally crazy and I'm talking like some irrational person, but I really do think we will ultimately be together and he's not the conventional WS just out to get his rocks off.

Yep, could be my MM except mine says he is ready to leave his marriage. And his wife and kids will keep the house... so he won't be moving me in ha ha (and I have my own house).

I guess what kills me is the waiting in-between time. For me it looks like it's happening fast but every day still feels like torture. I don't know how you do it being so far away from a resolution. Perhaps I'm still far away but I am doing things to make a resolution faster. If he doesn't move out on Sunday (which was the deadline he created and told his IC and his wife... not me), I am done. If he moves out and moves back home, I am done. All I can do to ease the rollercoaster, since I'm not ready to walk away while it looks like he is doing things to move in my direction, is to set up my own boundaries and timelines and stick to them because I do need to keep living my own life if he doesn't want to get on board.

As far as sleeping with the wife goes... mine used to tell me they had sex and about their sexual issues, etc., which is TMI for this board and may have been TMI for him to tell me but we have always been very open with each other. Then he said once he committed to me he could no longer be with her that way and he started sleeping on the couch and guest bedroom... when I was with him I believed him because he would be with me until late hours and then go home, and this was after she had found out about me, so I couldn't imagine him crawling back into bed with her after being out with me. He looked for every reason to avoid her and not be around her. Like me MM is very all-or-nothing and once he committed to wanting to really be with me he has had no commitment to her at all except for obviously still being married. This confuses me because I see it means he is moving towards me but then I wonder why he has to drag her through all that, why didn't he just tell her he was leaving and leave earlier.

September 29, 2010

This post wasn't addressed to me of course, but I really don't get it. Seems the only purpose of it, is to take a dig at GEL.

Also.........there is a huge difference in someone coming on to someone vs a person acting on it. As it's so often said here.......it's all about ACTIONS.

Yeah, I've noticed that all of greengoddess's posts are gigs at OWs and anyone she doesn't agree with. Guess she's got a lot of time on her hands to throw mud at other people. I just ignore those posts.

September 29, 2010

This post wasn't addressed to me of course, but I really don't get it. Seems the only purpose of it, is to take a dig at GEL.

Also.........there is a huge difference in someone coming on to someone vs a person acting on it. As it's so often said here.......it's all about ACTIONS.

How on earth was that taking a dig at GEL. She is now a married woman and has been for a while. She still identifies herself with the ow on this board though and I am curious in her real life what her opinion is of a woman who makes a pass at her husband when she knows he is married. As a married woman I don't think she would think highly of that. I never said her husband would react to the pass. I asked what she would think of a woman knowing her husband was married coming on to him. What exactly is the problem or the dig in this question??

September 29, 2010

Why would it bother her? If you're aware and you trust your spouse what difference does it make if someone came onto them? If he was pursuing other women or stepping outside boundaries then it'd be another story. As in every step of the A the OW/OM and their actions are inconsequential. If a S won't cheat there isn't an A.

So basically, if you trust your man you could car less if other women come on to him in our presense. That would not bother you and you would have no opinion of the woman coming on to your boyfriend when she know he is with you?

September 29, 2010

Yeah, I've noticed that all of greengoddess's posts are gigs at OWs and anyone she doesn't agree with. Guess she's got a lot of time on her hands to throw mud at other people. I just ignore those posts.

Would you care to back that comment up?

September 30, 2010

So GEL now that you have been happily married for a while how do you feel about women who come onto your husband. I am sure your husband is attractive. He must have many women come onto him knowing he is married. No problems with that?

I am a grown woman. My H is a grown man. I am not his prison warden, I am his W and partner.

And why would I worry about women coming onto him? I can do nothing about that. My H has the choice to stay faithful or not. I do not wish to force our M on him. He chose that, he wanted us.

Should he ever choose to succumb, well he'll be finding a new address.

But I do not worry. Men come onto me all the time. I brush them off. Do I think he worries about that? No. We love each other. There is comfort in knowing that the reason that we are together is because we CHOSE it, and we choose it every day. We don't have kids, debt, assets together. We are together because we choose to be together, not because we have to.

I trust my H. I love him. And I will not sabotage our R.

GEL

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