Is it safe to come here and admit we're having a great time with MM?

September 25, 2010

I don't see much of this happening. I sought out this site when I was going through some turmoil, got tons of support. Then I broke NC, changed the rules of the game with mm, and now we're just enjoying eachother's company..no strings attached. Am I the only one out there satisfied with status quo? I'd like to be able to come here and rave about the great trip we just took and that every moment we get together just feels surreal, but there is a feel on this board that I might get bashed for it or told I need IC and made to feel ashamed for actually not being torn and miserable over the A.

With that being said, I do have a question I need insight on. Mm and I jumped too quickly into the emotional aspect of the A when it began. He was the 1st to say I love u. Then our rule change was that we were going to stop all the pressures of making it a R, of the expectations that a R puts on him to finalize things immediately. So we ultimately chose the friends with benefits direction. There hasn't been anymore I love u's and we've just been enjoying great conversation and company. Then we got back from our trip last night and as I text goodnight he threw an I love u in. I tried to play it off, just said oh, sounds like someone's a little tipsy. Of course he came back with 'am not'...so I sent a smiley face and said goodnight. I'd be a lying fool if I said I don't still love him very much, but those spoken feelings complicate

Things and I don't want it to go back to complicated.

September 25, 2010

Just because you are not verbally expressing your feelings, they are still there therefore you are not in a FWB situation. Also no matter how much you pretend this is simple, an affair by its very nature is generally complicated (especially when love is involved) and there is no stepping back from that whilst you continue the relationship.

September 25, 2010

It's never wrong to post what you are really feeling. And if you are feeling happy and satisfied, what do you care if others see it differently?

I always had a lot of fun as an OW and I never cared what others thought. Looking back, I see that I was always capable of walking out without a scratch, no matter how many I love you's had been exchanged. And it was always me that walked out, when the MM left his W or seriously threatened to. Looking back, I also think I was selfish and uncaring, but I didn't feel any of those things at the time and didn't care if others saw it that way.

You don't strike me as a version of my former self though. You actually do seem to care and it is not clear that you can simply walk away and not give your MM another thought. Is it possible to just have fun and not care what anyone else thinks under those circumstances? Only you know.

Just do whatever you can to be honest with yourself. Perhaps posting here what you feel, or even just what you think you feel or want to feel, will help with that.

September 25, 2010

Just because you are not verbally expressing your feelings, they are still there therefore you are not in a FWB situation. Also no matter how much you pretend this is simple, an affair by its very nature is generally complicated (especially when love is involved) and there is no stepping back from that whilst you continue the relationship.

Expressing my feelings isn't so much as the problem as not wanting him to feel pressured that his marriage must be over right now to 'prove' he loves me'. I really am okay with what we have at this moment in time. Will that change? Maybe so. But the more I tell him I love u the more he feels like he is holding me' back and I'm lingering in limbo waiting for him to make an honest woman out of me'.

September 25, 2010

I'd be a lying fool if I said I don't still love him very much, but those spoken feelings complicate
Things and I don't want it to go back to complicated.

Then the below won't work. You can try, but you love him.

and now we're just enjoying eachother's company..no strings attached. Am I the only one out there satisfied with status quo?

For now maybe you are, until you realize you want more, get too attached, or if he decides to end things YOU will get hurt.

September 25, 2010

But admitadely you do love him. Intimacy does that (open up emotional). And posting that you're having a great time - came following the fact that he said he loved you .

September 25, 2010

I'm sorry KTD. It's like a said before. You're doing everything the same, except you've slapped a 'FRIENDS!!!' post-it on it.

I think it's important you acknowledge the status and significance of things. KNOW your environment, OWN your situation. If you still want to chug along, then do it. But don't play games with yourself. Don't pretend and minimise and skew things. Make your choices and if you want to do something you think is a risk, or might not be the most sensible thing in the world, do it - but do it and know it.

You're not FWB, because you LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. So don't fool yourself honey.

September 25, 2010

It's never wrong to post what you are really feeling. And if you are feeling happy and satisfied, what do you care if others see it differently?

I always had a lot of fun as an OW and I never cared what others thought. Looking back, I see that I was always capable of walking out without a scratch, no matter how many I love you's had been exchanged. And it was always me that walked out, when the MM left his W or seriously threatened to. Looking back, I also think I was selfish and uncaring, but I didn't feel any of those things at the time and didn't care if others saw it that way.

You don't strike me as a version of my former self though. You actually do seem to care and it is not clear that you can simply walk away and not give your MM another thought. Is it possible to just have fun and not care what anyone else thinks under those circumstances? Only you know.

Just do whatever you can to be honest with yourself. Perhaps posting here what you feel, or even just what you think you feel or want to feel, will help with that.

Thank yo for that. No I'm not emotionally unattached. I do very much care and would be happy to have him leave her and want to be with me'. I certainly wouldn't walk if I felt threatened that was what he was doing...I just do not want him to leave because of guilt or an ultimatum, or me' exposing him. I want him to choose to leave when it's right for him and he knows there's nothing left to stay for. I think history proves unless that is why he leaves the likelihood is he'll just go back anyway...so why do that to him, his wife, kids, or myself? In the meantime I'm happy with being something I'm his life that brings him joy...as it does me'.

September 25, 2010

Then expect NOTHING from him and put your needs first above his. Don't JUMP when he calls or is able to make time for you. Realize that you aren't first in his life.

Yes, it'll probably be fun for a while because you're Ok with being second fiddle, you're getting what you want out of it.. As soon as things change, or if he spends less time with you, or your feelings get deeper, THAT is when you'll realize the "friends" thing won't work.

Also, with the A still on going, be aware that there could always be a D-Day and chances are very high he'll end it and go back home.

The flip side of this? He is OK with how things are too. He now has two women meeting his needs, and isn't going to change that. So, as long as YOU accept this, being the OW, understanding your role in HIS life, like he has a role in YOUR life.. He isn't looking to leave his wife and kids. He just wants an affair, nothing more, nothing less.

September 25, 2010

But admitadely you do love him. Intimacy does that (open up emotional). And posting that you're having a great time - came following the fact that he said he loved you .

Well no, the I love u was after the great time was had. I had a great time on the trip with no fluff. It was just us having fun. Period. I have a satisfying life to come home to. The reality he comes home to is not so much, and I think coming back to it just reminded him of how differently I make him feel.

September 25, 2010

Just because you are not verbally expressing your feelings, they are still there therefore you are not in a FWB situation. Also no matter how much you pretend this is simple, an affair by its very nature is generally complicated (especially when love is involved) and there is no stepping back from that whilst you continue the relationship.

Ditto

It's never wrong to post what you are really feeling. And if you are feeling happy and satisfied, what do you care if others see it differently?

Ditto. What do you care what internet people think? Are you going to base your life on what people on a computer think? If you are okay with it, go with it and OWN it.

You actually do seem to care and it is not clear that you can simply walk away and not give your MM another thought.

Ditto again. Quit saying you are only in it for FWB. You are way past that.

Just do whatever you can to be honest with yourself. Perhaps posting here what you feel, or even just what you think you feel or want to feel, will help with that.

Above comments in bold

I'm sorry KTD. It's like a said before. You're doing everything the same, except you've slapped a 'FRIENDS!!!' post-it on it.

I think it's important you acknowledge the status and significance of things. KNOW your environment, OWN your situation. If you still want to chug along, then do it. But don't play games with yourself. Don't pretend and minimise and skew things. Make your choices and if you want to do something you think is a risk, or might not be the most sensible thing in the world, do it - but do it and know it.

You're not FWB, because you LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. So don't fool yourself honey.

EXACTLY. You plan to hang on tight in case he ever leaves. You want to show him how fun and exciting life with you could be so he can see that being with YOU is better than being married.

You want a life WITH him - however you can get it

So own it. By the same token, don't get all grumpy and when he puts you last or has things to do with his wife. You know he is married, you know he says he isn't leaving and you know he doesn't want the pressure from you to leave. So accept it and have fun. One day, it will end. So make the most of it.

September 25, 2010

I love him yes, but I think it is very possible to separate emotions and accept that I can not have more right now but be satisfied with that. If he's not mine to have it seems like fwb to me.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I'm sticking with what makes me' happy, what we call it be it an R or FWB, or whatever...we work.

September 25, 2010

I love him yes, but I think it is very possible to separate emotions and accept that I can not have more right now but be satisfied with that. If he's not mine to have it seems like fwb to me.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I'm sticking with what makes me' happy, what we call it be it an R or FWB, or whatever...we work.

How you label it is up to you. Whatever feels appropriate for you.

I love your attitude. Being the OW is a lot about your own attitude. You can make yourself miserable or you can make yourself happy. Why not be happy?

September 25, 2010

I don't see much of this happening. I sought out this site when I was going through some turmoil, got tons of support. Then I broke NC, changed the rules of the game with mm, and now we're just enjoying eachother's company..no strings attached. Am I the only one out there satisfied with status quo? I'd like to be able to come here and rave about the great trip we just took and that every moment we get together just feels surreal, but there is a feel on this board that I might get bashed for it or told I need IC and made to feel ashamed for actually not being torn and miserable over the A.

With that being said, I do have a question I need insight on. Mm and I jumped too quickly into the emotional aspect of the A when it began. He was the 1st to say I love u. Then our rule change was that we were going to stop all the pressures of making it a R, of the expectations that a R puts on him to finalize things immediately. So we ultimately chose the friends with benefits direction. There hasn't been anymore I love u's and we've just been enjoying great conversation and company. Then we got back from our trip last night and as I text goodnight he threw an I love u in. I tried to play it off, just said oh, sounds like someone's a little tipsy. Of course he came back with 'am not'...so I sent a smiley face and said goodnight. I'd be a lying fool if I said I don't still love him very much, but those spoken feelings complicate
Things and I don't want it to go back to complicated.

Of course it's ok you are having a blast with an MM. Let's face it, would you be an OW if you weren't having fun?

Oh hang on. That was a dumb question.

September 25, 2010

Ahh, finally got my avatar back.

Karma, I liked your OP. I think your perspective of your situation is a good one. The MM need the time they need to be ready to end their marriage (if ever). The question for us OW is if we are willing to live with it, willing to live with them not being ready to end their marriage, not knowing if they ever will, and have the best relationship we can given the circumstances.

That's why I post and read on LS. To get support in being in an extramarital relationship, because it does have its own challenges which regular relationships do not.

My MM has always been very verbal about professing his love for me. Me - not so much. He loves when I do though. I do feel very loved by him. It is wonderful to me to be certain of his love. To be able to state that certainty openly to him: "I know you love me." It makes me smile just thinking about it.

Thank you Jennie. I was hopin to hear from someone who was in my position. I love to hear the I love you...it's very gratifying. Of course I want him to feel that way. I don't think the fact he hasn't been able to make that leap out of a life he spent ten years building has to mean he's playing me' for a fool. He doesn't say he is never leaving. Quite the contrary, he just intends on doing it his way so he doesn't lose everything he has. I don't ask him to do these things or say it. He does because he wants to.

I guess what I want to know is if it's okay to let him know how much I care without making him feel pressured. U say u don't say I love u back as much. Is there a reason? Do u feel like u do it to keep ur heart a little less exposed for pain? That's kind of how I feel. If I say it...smother him with it, and things don't work out in my favor...(I know it will hurt) I don't want to give him the guilt or gratification or whatever may come of it from knowing he had that power over me. Its just my survivor instinct. Grin and bear it and cry when nobody's looking.

September 25, 2010

Thank you Jennie. I was hopin to hear from someone who was in my position. I love to hear the I love you...it's very gratifying. Of course I want him to feel that way. I don't think the fact he hasn't been able to make that leap out of a life he spent ten years building has to mean he's playing me' for a fool. He doesn't say he is never leaving. Quite the contrary, he just intends on doing it his way so he doesn't lose everything he has. I don't ask him to do these things or say it. He does because he wants to.

I guess what I want to know is if it's okay to let him know how much I care without making him feel pressured. U say u don't say I love u back as much. Is there a reason? Do u feel like u do it to keep ur heart a little less exposed for pain? That's kind of how I feel. If I say it...smother him with it, and things don't work out in my favor...(I know it will hurt) I don't want to give him the guilt or gratification or whatever may come of it from knowing he had that power over me. Its just my survivor instinct. Grin and bear it and cry when nobody's looking.

I know my MM is constantly moving towards me, constantly moving towards our relationship and away from his marriage. What I don't know is if that will ever be enough for him to leave. I do know that our relationship is so valuable to me, I accept it for what it is today and live it and enjoy it. Never has a man loved me so fully. The fact that he has other obligations in his life which he values does not change the extent of his love for me.

I have never been one to much profess my love verbally. I only say it when I really mean it. I am a very tactile person and express emotions more through touch. I think, perhaps, my MM needs to hear me express my love verbally more than I do. He feels guilty for putting me through being the OW, and when I tell him I love him it is like satisfying a need he has.

I have pressured my MM a lot to leave his marriage. We are both very straight forward with our emotions and talk a lot about our situation. By understanding where he is at and accepting the situation (which includes him accepting what I want), it makes being the OW easier to me. It makes our relationship more enjoyable.

He knows how I feel, he knows what I want, he also knows that I am sticking with him and letting him be him, even though it does not coincide with my wishes.

September 25, 2010

I find these things strange KTD. I am painfully honest about I feel, and always have been. That's why NC didn't work. There were no 'rules' or etiquette or keeping anything back.

I NEVER thought he may feel he had power over me if I was too forthcoming. I have told him I'm aware I allow myself to be extremely vulnerable and that's something I am comfortable with. If it means I may hurt more in the end, so be it.

The only rules like that were, for me, not to be disrespectful about his marriage or his wife and not to tell him what he should do/say regarding his marriage.

KTD, I don't for one minute think you shouldn't be happy. I want you to be happy with the TRUTH in the situation, not kidding yourself or giving things a slant to suit you. If you're happy with being in love with someone who can't be with you, and you are happier like that than moving on and pursuing other things, then that's terrific for the person that counts here - You!!!!

September 25, 2010

My opinion is that it is okay to let your MM know how much you care.

Your relationship should be one where you share your feelings, both good and bad. Share as much with him as you want and feel comfortable with. Do it because you love him and love to be with him and love to have this intimate, honest relationship with him.

By accepting him and where he is at, you are taking the pressure of him and letting him find out himself what he wants to do with his life.

He's not playing you for a fool. I don't see that. The more intimate you get with him the more you will understand where he is at, and not question his love for you. It might not always be enough for you, but as long as it is, enjoy.

September 26, 2010

I love him yes, but I think it is very possible to separate emotions and accept that I can not have more right now but be satisfied with that. If he's not mine to have it seems like fwb to me.

Thank you all for the support and comments. I'm sticking with what makes me' happy, what we call it be it an R or FWB, or whatever...we work.

I am glad that you have spoken out KarmasTestDummy...I think I am in a similar situation to you except I dont want my MM full time. I love him and we have such great times together.

I said to him last night "We will have been together for 4 years in two weeks time" and he said "time sure flies when you are having fun!"

Good luck to you and I hope that you get as many good and happy times out of your situation as you hope and wish for

September 26, 2010

I was always 100% upfront about my feelings toward mm, from the first time things became physical I made him aware that I had feelings for him and they had developed over a long period of time, I just didn't realise it at the time. I always told him I loved him when I felt I wanted to say it and didn't hold back at all. I was always honest about what I wanted too.

It might not have turned out the way I had hoped, but I don't regret being honest. I don't think keeping my feelings to myself would have made it hurt any less. I am glad I can say that at least one of us was able to say how they really felt.

I had days that were so happy and felt like the best time of my life. I don't regret those either, but I also knew I often found myself falling apart when we weren't together.

OP- of course you should post about your happiness, just be sure of the truth for you, I'm with SG on this.

September 26, 2010

I am glad that you have spoken out KarmasTestDummy...I think I am in a similar situation to you except I dont want my MM full time. I love him and we have such great times together.

I said to him last night "We will have been together for 4 years in two weeks time" and he said "time sure flies when you are having fun!"

Good luck to you and I hope that you get as many good and happy times out of your situation as you hope and wish for

Thank you. I'm thrilled to see more happy ladies coming out of the woodwork. 4 years is a long time. That's definitely an investment. I haven't made a conscious decision how long I'd be okay with things as is, but I believe that if things aren't moving in any direction within a year I'm probably wasting too much of my time on something that isn't going to be. Since I'm fresh from a marriage myself I don't need to find a ling term committed relationship right now, but it will again be on my radar before too long.

September 26, 2010

My opinion is that it is okay to let your MM know how much you care.

By accepting him and where he is at, you are taking the pressure of him and letting him find out himself what he wants to do with his life.

jennie-jennie: i have the very same thoughts and situation as you. Good to hear i'm not alone.

September 26, 2010

jennie-jennie: i have the very same thoughts and situation as you. Good to hear i'm not alone.

That is the true strength of the OW/OM forum.

September 27, 2010

Visit this forum from time to time and so glad to see this thread....

September 27, 2010

It's never wrong to post what you are really feeling.

I agree. and its also not wrong if those words offend and people respond with what they are really feeling as well. But alas, we know that doesn't fly. Only certain people can post what they are feeling.

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Is it safe to come here and admit we're having a great time with MM?

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