snap....crackle...fizzle

[jacksquared]

hi, just wanted to thank everyone here for all the sharing. I recently broke up with my xgf after 7 months. for the first three it was liike I walked on water- the feelings were mutual. interestingly enough she was the one who was pushing harder than I was. as the realtionship progressed I learned more info about my xgf- married and divorced 3x, prescription drug abuser, serial dater- at least until I showed up. things were a bit rocky around the holidays. she was having financial problems as a result of past relationships and was majorly stressed and anxious. she asked me to give her space so she could be alone to deal with these issues- up until that point she never wanted to be without me. I gave her space and really tried to be understanding and supportive. the realtionship seemed to improve- less time together more quality. she told me she loved me but starrted to call me less often. we discuseed the situation and she assured me that she did not want to subject me to her anger and anxiety and it was better to deal with this stuff on her own. once again I told her I was there for her- she thanked me on numerous occasions for being so understanding, caring, and supportive- this has nothing to do with us please don't take it personally. a few days after a weekend when I went to help out her with a sick pet, I noticed she had reposted her profiles on the website where we met. I confronted her and she denied it initially. we talked later that evening even she said she was'nt a very good partner and was confused as far as how to define "us". she needed space. I sent her a letter- nothing nasty. have tried to be supportive and convey my feelings, but its been a month and I have not heard a word. I stopped attempting to communicate with her 2 weeks ago. I was devastated by her way of dealing with the end of our relationship. no respect. no consideration. just silence. I have been thinking about her- although I am beginning to get very angry. I was so nice to her despite the obvious red flags and was genuinely caring. I know I will recover, but at the moment my faith in realtionships is pretty low. jj

[dario]

JJ, similar situation.

 

Upon meeting my ex we poured out our past experiences and realised how fortunate enough we were to find each other (sounded similar to you). About xmas, she started to withdraw and I poured on all the support I could. She wrote me telling me I was weak etc. and personally, my letter to her was no poison but it was harsh in some ways. I have tried to gel things over with her via flowers (just for vd) and she -from a person wanting marriage- in such a short space in time just opted out. The only difference between me and you, methinks, is that I'm struggling to put it behind me. My faith is relationships is rather detroyed, too. Because this time...I know this sounds a bit childish, I played it right in terms of trying to be a good partner...not to the point of exhaustion...but to the point where I was becoming comfortable in such skin.

[Arabess]

She had a chance to 'wean' herself off of the realtionship...while you were still thinking it would come back together. Is that fair???? HELL NO! Love isn't fair though. It's a CRUEL thing when you get all caught up in someone who has learned how to play it's game.

 

The deal is this.....even a novice can play the love game. There are no real winners or losers......it just makes love appear cheap.

 

I think the trick is to consider the scource and to find your own way. Be defined as to what you will or will not accept from a relationship and stick to your guns.

 

Love is a growing process....and with each one.....the trials and errors....get you to the perfect spot of at least knowing what you want.

[dario]

Arabess,

 

The problem with me personally is that I never get past that 'honeymoon' period. After the infatuation it just hits a dead end and despite my pouring out of constant support and understanding...it's over. I know that it's not a game...but it's happened too many times (I have lost count) and it's beginning to weigh me down. I am not going to change my ways...I guess what I'm geting at is....if it's going to be an ongoing ordeal/series of opportunities that meet with such ends until I find the 'right' one...then my hands are up in the air. Sorry to crash this thread, JJ.

[jacksquared]

thanks again, upon further research it seems that I am dealing with and individual with some serioius narcissisistic behavioural issues. I am not perfect myself, but at least my feelings come from a healthy place. the truth of the situation is partially that on some level I was getting to close to this person and their chances of hiding their issues- drug dependency, shame, failure at past interpersonal realtionships, miserable childhood- were dwindling. the longer the relationship went on the more "exposed" they were. Some would call it vulnerability- I say that its more about protecting what is not inside than what is. As long as their definition of love remains unchallenged the relationship works. Once they sense a shift in your attitude or behaviour away from there needs the situation becomes a threat and they quickly move on to manipulate another "lover" as a means of support or admiration. I realize that this may be armchair psychology, but the similarities to so many other situations that I have read both here and elsewhere cant' be overlooked. Although on some level I still find myself addicted to the attention I was initially receiving from my xgf, her presence in my life is also becoming a like a dirty film I can't wait to remove from my existence. At this stage in our lives narcissistic patterns like this are extremely hard to break- especially when they so deeply entrenched as personal defense mechanisms. no doubt my xgf has moved on to "greener pastures", but its only a matter of time before the weight of her emotional issues turn them into a desert as well. jj